I probably am...about sitting on my own some evenings

[FortunesFave]

I like my own company a lot. So on some evenings, I choose to sit out in our sunroom (we're in Oz and it's a bit like a lean-to with windows) and just browse the internet.

I do this about 2-3 times per week.

Every time I do it, DH or the kids seem to take it in turns to come in and bother me about every 20 minutes.

one leaves and then the next one arrives. Kids are 16 and 12 so well old enough to understand people sometimes need solitude.

I DO spend one to one time with all of them...DH and I often sit in the garden together, have meals together, chat...the DD's also get time with me...I walk my younger part way to school every morning (her choice...yes, she's older than usual for that but we get a takeaway hot chocolate and I like the walk) We also spent quality time watching movies or just having a snack or shopping together...that goes for my older child.

WHY can't they fucking leave me alone on these nights then? I put up with it and then when I tell DH "I'd like to be on my own" he gets pissed off...without fail. He doesn't have a go but gets huffy.

The same with the kids. AIBU to want to spend some nights alone? YABU if I am and YANBU if I'm not.

I think 12, 16 & adult DH are all old enough to appeecuatevthst sometimes you need some downtime.
But how much is some?
Half an hour, an hour, all evening?
It's a shame that the needs of all the people in the household don't coincide, and as such you all need to compromise to ensure.

It depends what your set up is usually.

We share stuff when not at work so the idea of Dh sitting in a room with no interruption in the evenings would be beyond irritation.

But do you do it all otherwise and he is off somewhere else?

@phoenixrosehere

Its too much useless screen time, for one thing.

It’s irrelevant what she is doing with her alone time. It is still her time and her choice how she spends it. If she said she was researching something on the Internet, would you call it useless?

If she was doing these things while spending time with her family, you’d say she was being unreasonable and selfish.

For me personally, giving my opinion on this thread, it is relevant what’s she doing yes. But I think I’ve seen firsthand the effects of internet addiction on my own family and it’s not pleasant when it leads to everyone collectively disengaged. Everyone on their phones / devices just ‘browsing’ becomes very grim very quickly.

If she was playing Call of Duty I’d feel the same. If she was researching or reading a book, or doing some other kind of hobby, then yes I’d personally feel differently.

@TheCrowsHaveEyes

As for " disengaging for the whole evening" Quite frankly its a load of bollocks Quite - but that's what the OP is asking for regardless of how you want to try to reframe it. You can create a strawman about it being something else but the OP is quite clear. There's no way I'd be happy with my DH opting out of family life two or three nights per week.

Ive asked the OP the clarify

“I’m 12 years old. Mum spends 2/3 evenings a week on her phone and gets annoyed when we go into the room. AIBU to feel neglected.”

Put on some moany-sighs relaxation music, tell them you're meditating and the trance must not be broken. If they keep interrupting, insist they meditate in silence with you. OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

If a man said that he goes off to his study 3 nights a week to play on his computer despite his wife and kids clearly wanting to spend time as a family he'd be handed his arse.

Story of my life every single day and night.

As for " disengaging for the whole evening" Quite frankly its a load of bollock

You're right, its disengaging for THREE whole evenings.

My 40 year old son rings me every day and it drives me nuts. I am tired of explaining that I don't want to talk to anyone in the phone that frequently. If I ignore him he gets the hump.

I’m not wanting to sound an arse here but the less secure I felt in my parents’ love, the more I craved it.

I’m not wanting to sound an arse here but the less secure I felt in my parents’ love, the more I craved it.

Well that's part of the problem, it's a vicious circle. The more they come in the longer she hides away and the more resentful she feels; the longer she hides away and the more resentful she feels the more insecure they feel and the more they come in. Clear time limits and boundaries on her own "quiet time" supported by her DH would help.

Though there's a bit of me that says sod it, just bury the lot of them under the patio and enjoy the peace. (Ahem.)

Men don’t seem to have a problem doing their own thing and not include us. And then when they feel needy and lonely they seek us out to be demanding and whiney....kids too ! Wish l had a sunroom 🌞...with a big lock.

I don't know if you're being unreasonable exactly, but I find this quite strange.

I struggle with being around people for a long time and, although I come across as pretty sociable in that I go out and do things a lot (pre 2020!), I find it hard to have people 'in my space' at home. For that reason, I live on my own and couldn't ever handle a live in relationship.

But for someone who has decided to marry and have a family - idk, I think it's quite odd to spend that amount of time in the house but unavailable to them and them not even be welcome in the space? I get going off for a lie down or a hour of down time in your room when you need it. But not long, frequent, scheduled times of solitude in a communal room.

I think YABU. I do understand your need for a bit of alone time but a few hours a couple of times a week where your children aren’t even allowed to talk to you seems extremely excessive. I’d be upset if I was one of your children and when I wanted to come and talk to you I was asked to leave.

If this was my DH and I saw him dismiss one of our children because he wanted some alone time which he got several times a week, I would be furious.

YANBU. A few hours a week on your own shouldn't be an unreasonable request. I'm an introvert and absolutely need some time alone. In my case, I do yoga every day for about 30 minutes. And yet it is precisely during that time that everyone else suddenly "needs" to see me. It was driving me mad, so I made a "Do not disturb" sign decorated with pictures of people in yoga poses. When I hang the sign on the door, I really expect the rest of the family to respect it. I've only encountered a bit of grumbling so far.

In your case, your children are certainly old enough to understand that you need to decompress a few times a week. Of course, your husband should understand this as well.

I do think we (and include myself in this) often end up showing our kids a pattern that dad is BUSY or RELAXING AFTER A HARD DAY and CANNOT BE INTERRUPTED. But mum is infinitely interruptable. Good on you for not doing that

I get going off for a lie down or a hour of down time in your room when you need it.

I don’t understand this. If nap is alone time is going to bed at night then. Why does someone wanting to have time to themselves have to be doing something that is a need or necessity?

I also don’t understand how if OP is having this alone time, why can’t everyone else in the house use the same time to do things on their own?

I totally understand OP, I stay up late to get my own space too. Sometimes I fall asleep on the sofa. DH sulks and moans that he wants/needs hugs but I just explain to him I need me time.
Its not personal. I spend my days working/walking dogs/school run and listening to the kids yapping nineteen to the dozen.
I need to decompress. kids generally do give some peace, DH accepts it.

In short yanbu.

2-3 times a week can mean different things, how do you do it for each time? If it was all evening for several hours I'd say YABU.

I think a lot of people could be feeling like this and things are only going to get worse during the second lockdown although I notice you said you came from Oz? I take it you have asked them nicely to give you a little bit of me time? If not, perhaps you should put a note on the door. I don’t know why some people think that because you are sitting on your own they then think oh I will go in and bother/ask mum? Tbh if you can afford a few days away it might help? They would probably be shocked if you said you were leaving them for a bit, particularly your husband, but he is a grown man....

I was going to suggest the 2bazookas approach, it worked for me. I told my family that I would be meditating for an hour every evening and that they were welcome to join me. In fact, I really pushed for them to join me. They didn’t.

The comments from those that are clearly introvert and those who are extrovert are very interesting. What is it they say Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus?

@Teddybear27

The comments from those that are clearly introvert and those who are extrovert are very interesting. What is it they say Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus?

I personally think diving the population into such stark camps is unhelpful, but I am definitely at the introverted end of the scale. I still don’t think it is reasonable to cut yourself off from your children in the way OP describes.

*dividing