I probably am...about sitting on my own some evenings

[FortunesFave]

I like my own company a lot. So on some evenings, I choose to sit out in our sunroom (we're in Oz and it's a bit like a lean-to with windows) and just browse the internet.

I do this about 2-3 times per week.

Every time I do it, DH or the kids seem to take it in turns to come in and bother me about every 20 minutes.

one leaves and then the next one arrives. Kids are 16 and 12 so well old enough to understand people sometimes need solitude.

I DO spend one to one time with all of them...DH and I often sit in the garden together, have meals together, chat...the DD's also get time with me...I walk my younger part way to school every morning (her choice...yes, she's older than usual for that but we get a takeaway hot chocolate and I like the walk) We also spent quality time watching movies or just having a snack or shopping together...that goes for my older child.

WHY can't they fucking leave me alone on these nights then? I put up with it and then when I tell DH "I'd like to be on my own" he gets pissed off...without fail. He doesn't have a go but gets huffy.

The same with the kids. AIBU to want to spend some nights alone? YABU if I am and YANBU if I'm not.

It’s misleading to suggest that it’s ‘only’ 6-9 hours. OP wants ‘the whole evening’, three times a week.

Monday-Friday, for most people, the evening is the time they will see their family. So that’s a lot.

I don’t necessarily think it’s unreasonable in itself. But it is a lot.

@SewingBeeAddict

The OP has asked her DH politely to give her space and as others have said she isnt ducking out of chores. Sorry but I disagree completely with those saying she has to be available at all times in case the teenagers want to talk to her. Umm they have 2 parents A couple of hours of peace is not much to ask-which is why I was super strict about bedtimes when mine were little. The DH should respect her needs and ask the DC not to disturb her, he is there so why cant he deal with them? Of course he needs similar time out to do as he wishes and she is around then. Teaching your DC that women, particularly mothers are not allowed to have their own needs is not on.

Teaching your DCs that one parent can just opt out without discussion, without taking into account everyone else in the family, is exactly the type of scenario that allows men to opt out of family life. The fact OP is a woman doesn't change what she is teaching her DCs - which is that someone in the house can do what they like and everyone else has to bend round them. That's unhealthy regardless of who's doing it.

My parents were the least helicopter parents ever. I spent a lot of time on my own. There's absolutely no way they'd have disengaged for three evenings a week. OP didn't say it was an hour to herself as some are repainting it. She said she's opting out two to three evenings per week and even resents them coming to speak to her during that time. That is a shitty relationship model to give them.

I think as it’s basically every second night you want to sit on your own I can understand their issue. You write that you spend time with them like you’re undertaking some kind of chore.

So presumably her DH should get 3 evenings a week where OP and the kids shouldn't talk to him or expect any input from him? Would only be fair.
And then one whole night a week the children can speak to both their parents at once (but they won't want to, and will be just waiting to leave home and get away from the pair of them)

She said 2 to 3 EVENINGS a week and would like to be left alone for the entire evening

True, but it is still an assumption that it is three hours. She says she talks to her children before and after school for an hour or so individually after school if I have read her post correctly. Still have prep for dinner and eating dinner which they likely all eat together, she also watches the sunset with her husband sometimes, and eventually there is bedtime which we don’t know what that is for her.

She is also being INTERRUPTED every 20 minutes during her alone time so regardless if it was one, two, or three hours, they still can’t seemingly function for 20 minutes without bothering her. If these were young children, it would be different but we are talking about a 12 yo, 16 yo and an adult. They should be able to leave someone alone for more than 20 minutes. I highly doubt anything they interrupted her for could have been asked before or after she had her alone time.

I remember being 12 and 16 and I had no issue leaving my parents to themselves because I was also having time to myself. My mother would be in the bedroom, my dad in the basement, my sister and I in our own rooms. If I wanted something, I’d go get it. If I needed something for school, I’d let them know during dinner. I can’t imagine bothering either of my parents for something if it wasn’t necessary at either of those ages.

Sorry but I disagree completely with those saying she has to be available at all times in case the teenagers want to talk to her.

Nobody is saying she has to be available at all times!

But wanting to completely opt out of family life for three whole evenings a week is a lot, no matter how you look at it. Of course they have another parent but that doesn't stop it being a huge chunk of time.

A couple of hours of peace is not much to ask-which is why I was super strict about bedtimes when mine were little.

Three "whole evenings" is a lot more than just a couple of hours.

@TheCrowshaveeyes
The OP has tried to discuss it and her DH is huffy and unpleasant.
He could respect her needs and happily potter about doing his own thing.
As for " disengaging for the whole evening"
Quite frankly its a load of bollocks - a couple of hours of peace, not disturbing others but also not being at their beck and call is not much to ask.
Its not shitty at all , its perfectly normal.
Time to decompress.
I sit and read or knit and nope I dont want to be disturbed, thanks very much.

I should add that I read this thinking that this is the post dinner, sitting down time.

Not from the minute the Op comes in to her going to bed.
Maybe OP could clarify?

True, but it is still an assumption that it is three hours.

You're right. It could be more, quite easily.

I didn't read that the OP was looking for 3 hours a night up to 3 hours a week.

3 hours would be a lot to expect.

But an hours peace a couple of hours a week seems hugely reasonable.

I do think they sound needy if they can't just be asked to give you an hour pls.

Does your dh get some time too?

I don’t think I’d appreciate Dh buggering off to another room 3 nights a week so he can’t be asked a question. But votes look like people agree with you.

Plus, it’s only 2-3 evenings a week so her DH and children have 4-5 evenings a week where she isn’t having her alone time.

You're right. It could be more, quite easily.

Or could be less. Maybe if they stopped interrupting her, it probably wouldn’t be long.

Teens need quantity time not quality time so I think yabu to them. It depends if they want to chat or they are being clingy. But I guess if you have made it clear it's your hobby time and you don't want to be disturbed then yanbu.

As for " disengaging for the whole evening" Quite frankly its a load of bollocks
Quite - but that's what the OP is asking for regardless of how you want to try to reframe it. You can create a strawman about it being something else but the OP is quite clear. There's no way I'd be happy with my DH opting out of family life two or three nights per week.

I think alone time is massively important, and if I want an hour or so to myself I do expect my family to respect it. But 3 ‘evenings’ a week where teenagers aren’t allowed to come and talk to their mum is a LOT of time.

Get a lock for the door.

"Women never have a half-hour in all their lives (excepting before or after anybody is up in the house) that they can call their own, without fear of offending or of hurting someone. Why do people sit up so late, or, more rarely, get up so early? Not because the day is not long enough, but because they have 'no time in the day to themselves."1852

Florence Nightingale

Alone time is definitely important, generally more so for women who have to snatch it in dribs and drabs. (There’s no indication that this is the case in this particular scenario, however).

But I think this set up probably does look a bit odd. OP is presumably just on her phone/iPad (“browsing the internet“ in her words - nothing that really requires any particular kind of focus or solitude), and wanting to do that for three evenings a week alone. Let’s forget her partner for a second. That’s not personally the kind of setup I’d want to be modelling to a 12 year old. Its too much useless screen time, for one thing. So if I did want to do that, I’d have to accept that’s the kind of activity that will inevitably become routinized - everyone on their devices alone for the whole evening.

Use a timer. Every time they interrupt you, tell them you’re going to restart it back at whatever amount of time you have told them.

Say you want 60 minutes and at 20 minutes, one of them interrupts you for a non-emergency, start it back at 60 minutes.

There probably will come a day very soon when the teenagers will be hooked on their devices all evening without wanting to talk to you. And I think if you are ok with that forthcoming setup, then you’re entitled to carry on.

I don’t necessarily think it’s unreasonable in itself. But it is a lot.

But it isn't a lot, not any more. In most families with kids that age you'd expect some alone time when the kids are out and busy. But most people are home with their dear families seven nights a week now. Or is Oz different?

Its too much useless screen time, for one thing.

It’s irrelevant what she is doing with her alone time. It is still her time and her choice how she spends it. If she said she was researching something on the Internet, would you call it useless?

If she was doing these things while spending time with her family, you’d say she was being unreasonable and selfish.

two - three nights a week sounds like a lot of "alone" time in a family. Are they really that annoying when they interrupt you? Of course everyone needs some alone time every now and then, but it won't be long before they finish school and you will soon get all the splendid isolation you want and will miss their annoying interruptions.

Well yes but that’s just the point. It’s key ‘family time’ (sorry, I know that’s a pukey phrase.)

I don’t think families should all be sat around playing board games, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong at all with people being in different rooms, sometimes it’s just what suits people. But I think to in effect insist this is a zone where you can’t be disturbed, in the evenings during the week, is a lot.