Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have expected her to offer cake?

193 replies

tweedie543 · 02/11/2020 11:06

Met a friend for coffee this morning. As we were waiting to order, I got my purse out to pay for both coffees (we usually take it in turns to buy 'rounds') and friend said something along the lines of 'it's ok, I'll get it, I want a slice of cake.' Friend then orders coffee for both of us and cake for herself but didn't ask me if I wanted one. If the roles had been reversed, I'd have asked if she wanted a slice as well. In fact the roles have been reversed, and I've offered to buy her chips in a pub, or ice cream in a shop, if I've been getting something myself.

The reason I'm asking is that I often think friend is being a bit self-centred, but I'm wondering if we just have two different approaches to life.

YANBU: friend should have asked if you wanted cake as well
YABU: if you wanted cake, you should have spoken up, asked for it and offered to pay for it.

OP posts:
UsernameSpoosername · 02/11/2020 11:08

You should of said ‘no it’s alright, I’ll get it... I want cake too.’

SnuggyBuggy · 02/11/2020 11:08

You could have spoken up and said you'd like cake too.

AryaStarkWolf · 02/11/2020 11:09

Why didn't you just say "oh I want some too"?

LonelyFromCorona · 02/11/2020 11:09

High drama here.

Why didn't you say you fancied a bit too as soon as your friend mentioned?

Qiry · 02/11/2020 11:11

I feel sad for you because the truth is that you have to fight for cake these days. You have to say firmly, "actually, I would like some cake, too. Please give me cake." Of course, having to be so assertive and determined detracts from the cake experience, but that's the way the world is. I put YANBU though because I wish things were different. I'm so sorry, OP.

LittleMissLockdown · 02/11/2020 11:11

When she said was getting some cake why on earth didn't you then say nah it's ok I'll get them as I fancy some cake too? If you said nothing then naturally she will assume you don't want a slice.

MaggieFS · 02/11/2020 11:13

I think it's fine. She didn't want to force you into buying her cake (imagine that CF thread!). You could have said 'oh cake's a nice idea I'll get my own' and saw what happened.

Yes, if you've previously bought her stuff she could have offered but perhaps didn't think you wanted any. Or if the norm is that you only buy coffees for each other, that's what she was doing.

duffeldaisy · 02/11/2020 11:13

Why didn't you just say - "let's just get our own for this round, I fancy cake too?" I've done that lots of times and it's always fine!

D4rwin · 02/11/2020 11:13

Oh great idea, I'll get it. It's quite easy.

Nottherealslimshady · 02/11/2020 11:14

You really should have said , "ooh good idea, I think I'll have a slice of carrot cake."

flaviaritt · 02/11/2020 11:17

It was your turn. Why didn’t you say, “Don’t worry, I’ll order the cake”?

Why are you calling your friend self-centred for paying for your coffee when it was your go? Confused

grapewine · 02/11/2020 11:18

I would have asked you, fwiw. But you could have just said.

dudsville · 02/11/2020 11:20
  1. I'll get these
  2. no it's ok, I'll get it, I want cake
  3. mmm, good idea, I'll have some too. Shall we split it? 2a) sure! 2b) no let me, you've treated me too much over the years
Oliversmumsarmy · 02/11/2020 11:21

If you wanted cake why didn’t you either say something or get it yourself.

We sit without something you wanted.

Friend isn’t self centred and isn’t a mind reader either

YouKidsIsCrazy · 02/11/2020 11:21

Ouch, you really messed that one up....and then to call her unreasonable and self centred!
It was your turn to pay for coffees, she said thats ok as I want cake (meaning that she didn't expect you to pay for her cake when your're only on the hook for coffees)...your line was "I'll get us both cake, its my shout".

Even, we'll get our own then would have been ok, if less so. But you let her pay for your coffee and you didn't order cake even though you wanted it, and then you complained about her manners.....Wow. Were you way off!!

HOkieCOkie · 02/11/2020 11:22

I think your missing your friends intention. She knew she wanted cake so didn’t want to make you pay for it. But yes I would of said oh what cake do you want?

HugeAckmansWife · 02/11/2020 11:22

Bloody hell - clearly the friend thought the cake was quite expensive hence getting her own, and also therefore explaining why she didn't offer - is it possible she has less disposable income than you? Coffee and cake for two in most cafes / costa etc wouldn't come to less than a tenner these days. Could you really not work out how to say, ooh yes, good plan, lets just get our own then. OR, if you "see life differently" said you wanted cake too and bought all of it. YABU

CSIblonde · 02/11/2020 11:23

You don't ask,you don't get. Time to be more assertive. People aren't psychic & they don't have your exact same thought processes , norms or values.

flaviaritt · 02/11/2020 11:26

You don't ask,you don't get. Time to be more assertive

Have you missed something here? It was the OP’s turn to pay.

Bluntness100 · 02/11/2020 11:28

Blimey really? You didn’t order cake, and were preparing to pay. You should have said, oh don’t worry I would like cake too, great idea.

To assume not only should she know you wish cake but that she should offer it to you, when you’re standing there with a mouth on you is quite surprising,,

2020IsADick · 02/11/2020 11:28

Biscuit - will this do instead?

Bluntness100 · 02/11/2020 11:29

And I’d agree, it was your turn to pay, why did you let her, because she wanted cake, but then want her to buy you cake too? When you weren’t willing to buy her any?

BertieBloopsMum · 02/11/2020 11:29

Did you want cake?

Noitjustwontdo · 02/11/2020 11:30

In future use your mouth and ask for cake if you want some.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 02/11/2020 11:30

Oh these 'rounds' things are so loaded and prone to upset. I'd start a new thing of paying for your own, both of you, that way nobody needs to keep 'score' and everybody can have what they want.

If it were my friend, after this cake-gate, I would say something like, "That was really embarrassing, I didn't want to put you in the position of buying cake for me, it was my turn to buy the coffee and the goal-posts shifted for the cake. I wanted cake as well. Let's just buy our own from now on, can we? Great!".