To have expected her to offer cake?

[tweedie543]

Met a friend for coffee this morning. As we were waiting to order, I got my purse out to pay for both coffees (we usually take it in turns to buy 'rounds') and friend said something along the lines of 'it's ok, I'll get it, I want a slice of cake.' Friend then orders coffee for both of us and cake for herself but didn't ask me if I wanted one. If the roles had been reversed, I'd have asked if she wanted a slice as well. In fact the roles have been reversed, and I've offered to buy her chips in a pub, or ice cream in a shop, if I've been getting something myself.

The reason I'm asking is that I often think friend is being a bit self-centred, but I'm wondering if we just have two different approaches to life.

YANBU: friend should have asked if you wanted cake as well
YABU: if you wanted cake, you should have spoken up, asked for it and offered to pay for it.

The whole thing's exhausting. This is why I prefer it when people pay for themselves unless it's clearly a case of one friend taking out another.

In this instance, maybe she should've offered you cake, but if you wanted some, you could've spoken up, asked for a slice, and said you'd pay for your own. Maybe that would've made her realise that she should've/could've offered.

It's quite possible that you have different approaches and your friend is less spontaneously generous. Only you can decide if it's a problem and what to do about it. You certainly don't have to continue to offer to pay for things for her, though.

I would have said, oh cake, 🍰 that's a good idea, think I will get some too, but let me pay for both of us, my treat.

YABU. It’s obvious that she offered to pay on your turn so she could get cake. You should have spoken up and got it on your tab anyway.

@Butchyrestingface

Why didn't you say you fancied a bit too as soon as your friend mentioned?

Because then she wouldn't have gotten to channel her burning martyr on Mumsnet and where's the fun in that?

🤭

She was probably hoping you'd say "good idea, I'll get us both cake"

I actually loathe “fancy a bit of cake”.

I also loathe “I’ll treat”.

Just buy the cake.

Well done OP a covid free rant

YANBU unless she thinks you're on a diet or something and she doesn't want to tempt you into breaking a plan you've personally said youu're trying to follow.

I’m still not sure if you even wanted cake though, or was it just the principle? You didn’t want to buy cake initially so is this all a moot point?

THe problem is that when someone has a tendency to be selfish and self centred, things like this take on bigger significance. Its like the "putting the bowl next to the dishwasher" thing in a marriage. Its not about the bowl but about the selfishness of the other person.

Its not about the bowl but about the selfishness of the other person.

The other person was not at all selfish. She was trying to avoid the OP having to pay for more than usual, and in doing so was willing to pay more. How is that selfish?

@PyongyangKipperbang

THe problem is that when someone has a tendency to be selfish and self centred, things like this take on bigger significance. Its like the "putting the bowl next to the dishwasher" thing in a marriage. Its not about the bowl but about the selfishness of the other person.

I honestly don't think the friend was being selfish though, infact it sounds like the opposite, it was the OPs "round" but her friend offered to take the round because she wanted something more than coffee and didn't expect her friend to pay for it

I am just jealous because we are not allowed to meet friends since March in Wales. So I would not have minded.

Did you actually get a cake for yourself?

Did you really just sit there at a cafe and not get a cake even though you wanted some just because she didnt offer it?

Qiry LOL!

Could someone direct me to the list of acceptable subjects we are allowed to start a thread about?
I seemed to have missed it.

If I was the friend I would have offered you cake too. I couldn't have grabbed some for myself and none for you, I'd be embarrassed to do that. It doesn't matter who's turn it is, she offered to pay. If money was tight maybe she could've offered to share a slice?

After reading this thread..
I want cake .

I dont think she realised you wanted cake op. I think she was trying to be nice.

I am not necessarily saying that she was selfish in this situation, although i would always offer, but that because she has a tendency to be selfish, the OP may have viewed it differently than if she was normally generous and thoughtful.

Both answers. I would have expected her to ask, but as she didn't, you should have said.

Well if you wanted cake, why didn't you have cake? It sounds like you were at the stage of paying for coffee, so I can see why she assumed you didn't want cake. If you changed your mind because you realised she was paying or whatever then you should have just said..

She probably didn't realise, or perhaps didn't want to tempt you. Give her the benefit of the doubt.

It was your turn to buy the coffees, your friend wanted cake but you had made no indication that you also wanted it so she offered to pick up the tab out of turn so you weren't on the hook for her cake when you weren't getting one too.

If you wanted cake, as it was your turn to pay, you should have offered to get your friend's cake along with your own. Alternatively you both pay for your own coffee and cake this time.

If you didnt want cake, then you either graciously accept your friends offer to add your coffee to her coffee and cake order; buy your friends cake on top of your coffee order or order separately.

You dont get to complain because someone didnt offer something they didnt know you wanted.

Gezzz just look at it this way sometimes our brains just don’t work a fast as we would like.