To have expected her to offer cake?

[tweedie543]

Met a friend for coffee this morning. As we were waiting to order, I got my purse out to pay for both coffees (we usually take it in turns to buy 'rounds') and friend said something along the lines of 'it's ok, I'll get it, I want a slice of cake.' Friend then orders coffee for both of us and cake for herself but didn't ask me if I wanted one. If the roles had been reversed, I'd have asked if she wanted a slice as well. In fact the roles have been reversed, and I've offered to buy her chips in a pub, or ice cream in a shop, if I've been getting something myself.

The reason I'm asking is that I often think friend is being a bit self-centred, but I'm wondering if we just have two different approaches to life.

YANBU: friend should have asked if you wanted cake as well
YABU: if you wanted cake, you should have spoken up, asked for it and offered to pay for it.

Does she have money problems and wanted to keep costs down? Otherwise it is a bit mean spirited of her.

I think tat you are not being unreasonable to be a little pissed off with her.

However, as a once off, I wouldn't say or do anything but, if it was part of a similar pattern, I would be gradually reducing my interaction with her because I hate stingy people and would cut out of my life if given a chance.

@Doobiedooo

Does she have money problems and wanted to keep costs down? Otherwise it is a bit mean spirited of her.

Isn’t it the opposite? It was the ops turn to pay, when she found out the friend wanted cake she let her friend buy her coffee when it wasn’t her turn, then wanted her to buy cake too. But didn’t speak up because she didn’t wish to pay for it.

LTB

flaviaritt it wasn't my turn to pay as in there is an exact calculation of you pay then I'll pay. More of an it all evens out in the end approach so we don't each pay individually unless we're having a proper lunch or dinner, and there is a broad understanding that it's not always one person paying. However, having seen the responses I can see things from the other side. Thanks all

@wheretonow123

I think tat you are not being unreasonable to be a little pissed off with her.

However, as a once off, I wouldn't say or do anything but, if it was part of a similar pattern, I would be gradually reducing my interaction with her because I hate stingy people and would cut out of my life if given a chance.

I just don’t get this. Are people missing it was the ops turn to pay? And she didn’t do it because the friend wanted cake? Then wanted her friend to buy her cake too? How is the friend the stingy one?

@ShortSilence

LTB

My god I can’t believe you even bothered to start a thread about such a non event 🤦🏻‍♀️

In your op you say you were paying as you take it in turns to pay.

flaviaritt it wasn't my turn to pay as in there is an exact calculation of you pay then I'll pay

You had decided it was your turn to pay, as you got your purse out first. So it was your turn to pay. And you fluffed it. If anything she should be posting an AIBU about you.

Does she have money problems and wanted to keep costs down? Otherwise it is a bit mean spirited of her.

But it was OP's turn to pay and friend didn't want to make OP pay for her (friend's) cake! How can she be being mean spirited?!

OP you should have said that you'd like cake too, and either suggest you each get your own or you get cake again next time maybe?

I can see what OP means I had to re read what you had wrote. If it was your turn you should have bought the coffees and the cakes! Posters are right.

I agree with another poster just pay for your own next time.

@duffeldaisy

Why didn't you just say - "let's just get our own for this round, I fancy cake too?" I've done that lots of times and it's always fine!

This.

I think she was trying to be polite and not letting you pay for her cake. You were already paying and hadn’t offered cake.
Initially you should have made the offer of cake. She was probably standing there wondering what to do and in the end offered to pay so she could have some.

@justanotherneighinparadise

My god I can’t believe you even bothered to start a thread about such a non event 🤦🏻‍♀️

I can't believe - or maybe I can actually - that you'd' bother to post on a thread that you think is a non-event. Do you have very poor impulse control generally?

@LittleTiger007

I think she was trying to be polite and not letting you pay for her cake. You were already paying and hadn’t offered cake. Initially you should have made the offer of cake. She was probably standing there wondering what to do and in the end offered to pay so she could have some.

Exactly! OP didn’t want to buy the cakes... the friend footed the bill and now OP is moaning about a cake!

The normal response in this scenario is “it’s my turn, I’ll pay I fancy cake too”

Not

“ it’s my turn but you crack on and can you offer to buy me cake as well?”

If you had your purse out to pay I think you should have offered to pay anyway. You wouldn't pay for your friends cake but wanted her to pay for yours. YABU.

Yanbu. If I'm having something I always offer to whoever I'm with too.

Not doing so is rude.

I can't believe - or maybe I can actually - that you'd' bother to post on a thread that you think is a non-event. Do you have very poor impulse control generally?

It’s always worth highlighting when people are acting crazy about a friend buying them coffee! I know many Mumsnet posters seem to struggle with friendships and seen to fall out with their pals for all manner of indiscretions. But my mate buying me a coffee would always be met with a thank you! And not a tantrum about where the slice of cake is.

Bottom line op is you didn’t want to pay for her cake even though it was your turn, nor did you wish to pay for your own, hence why you didn’t speak up and say you wished some, you wanted her to offer to buy you cake too.

I would have just said "shall we pay for our own this time as I fancy cake too?".

(we usually take it in turns to buy 'rounds')

@Youandmeareluckytobeus

I would have just said "shall we pay for our own this time as I fancy cake too?".

That’s far too sensible a comment!!! The right protocol is to push her face into the cake and run to the toilets crying. Then you have the benefit of denying your friend cake whilst also eliciting sympathy for the years.

*tears