To have expected her to offer cake?

[tweedie543]

Met a friend for coffee this morning. As we were waiting to order, I got my purse out to pay for both coffees (we usually take it in turns to buy 'rounds') and friend said something along the lines of 'it's ok, I'll get it, I want a slice of cake.' Friend then orders coffee for both of us and cake for herself but didn't ask me if I wanted one. If the roles had been reversed, I'd have asked if she wanted a slice as well. In fact the roles have been reversed, and I've offered to buy her chips in a pub, or ice cream in a shop, if I've been getting something myself.

The reason I'm asking is that I often think friend is being a bit self-centred, but I'm wondering if we just have two different approaches to life.

YANBU: friend should have asked if you wanted cake as well
YABU: if you wanted cake, you should have spoken up, asked for it and offered to pay for it.

If I had wanted cake I wouldn't have expected my friend to offer. I would have said "I fancy some as well. Let's get our own coffee and cake today".

Being passive doesn't get you far these days.

Good God . I can't believe this has even been posted. Are there not slightly bigger issues going on in the world

I am gobsmacked that this is nearly 50/50!
I cannot fathom how you wouldn’t just say, “cake - yes! - great idea”.

@tweedie543

flaviaritt it wasn't my turn to pay as in there is an exact calculation of you pay then I'll pay. More of an it all evens out in the end approach so we don't each pay individually unless we're having a proper lunch or dinner, and there is a broad understanding that it's not always one person paying. However, having seen the responses I can see things from the other side. Thanks all

If your system is so exact then why do you expect her to buy you cake. Your deal is that you buy each other coffee in turn. If you want cake buy your own

@Juniland

Good God . I can't believe this has even been posted. Are there not slightly bigger issues going on in the world

No there is not!!! Nothing else going on at all aside from OP and her lack of cake. Boris is right now doggedly slicing up a slab of madeira hoping to avoid more crisis talks.

She said she "it's ok, I will pay as I also want cake" in response to you having purse out to pay for coffee and her not wanting to take advantage by also ordering cake.

If you wanted cake you should have said "I am also getting cake so thats fine i will still pay" it is unreasonable to think friend should pay for coffees and cake for both of you instead of you. Either she is feeling a bit skint, or that she has paid her share recently.

@Cocomarine

I am gobsmacked that this is nearly 50/50! I cannot fathom how you wouldn’t just say, “cake - yes! - great idea”.

I’m surprised too. I can only think folks missed it was the ops turn to pay. Even though she’s trying to pretend now like it wasn’t,,,😂

You are being very unreasonable not to tell us what type of cake it was

You should have just said, "can you grab me a slice too?"

Ummm, presumably if you wanted cake, you'd have already ordered cake?? I mean, I might have just as a reflex asked if you wanted cake but I also might not have done - and I would have been assuming the answer was no.

I thought you were going to complain she was cheeky because she added cake to the order when you were ordering. She didn't, she paid for cake and coffees. It would however have been slightly cheeky for you to accept her offer to buy you a cake (had she made one) given you hadn't wanted one when you were paying!

I bet it was a dirty great slab of chocolate fudge cake.

Lol, if I wanted cake I would of said ‘thanks, I think I’ll get cake too’ then proceeded to pull my purse out to show I had full intention of paying for it.

I can't believe - or maybe I can actually - that you'd' bother to post on a thread that you think is a non-event. Do you have very poor impulse control generally?

Perfect response.

This thread:

Yes LTB

But as you hadn't selected or made it known you wanted cake while you were paying and only once she was paying?

I never understand posts like these, you were in a perfect opportunity to either let it pass because you didn’t want the damn cake... or say ‘i think I’ll have cake too’ ...
But instead you’ve sat and stewed on why a friend was ‘rude’ to not offer you the cake you were stood in front of and could have selected yourself!

I feel like YABVU to call your friend self centred for taking on the payment of both of your coffees (although it was your turn) just so you didn't have to pay for her cake or both make separate payments for coffees and cake.

Either speak up about wanting cake and work out who will pay for what or accept the free coffee without complaint.

What kind of cake are we talking about here? And did she make you watch while she hungrily demolished her slice straight from hand to mouth or did she slowly taunt you with a spoon. You can’t leave out crucial details if you want a full psychological analysis.

What a silly thing to get stressed about. Just open your mouth and ask for the cake.

To be honest she was a bit weird though. If someone wants a treat usually friends will try or push the other person into joining them. And then only proceed themselves if 100% the other doesn’t want to join in. It’s just a basic social more - if for no other reason than to avoid the slight awkwardness of having another have to observe you shoving food in your gob while they sit there all passive and sensible.

I agree with you OP. If I was that friend of yours I would have said, “ It’s alright, I’ll pay for these ‘cos I also want cake. Do you want any?” Isn’t that just good manners? There is no way on Earth that I would have bought myself a slice of cake without offering to buy my friend one. If I only had money for 2 coffees and one cake I would have either not bought that slice of cake or offered my friend to share one.

@Qiry

I feel sad for you because the truth is that you have to fight for cake these days. You have to say firmly, "actually, I would like some cake, too. Please give me cake." Of course, having to be so assertive and determined detracts from the cake experience, but that's the way the world is. I put YANBU though because I wish things were different. I'm so sorry, OP.

So true

@Cam77

To be honest she was a bit weird though. If someone wants a treat usually friends will try or push the other person into joining them. And then only proceed themselves if 100% the other doesn’t want to join in. It’s just a basic social more - if for no other reason than to avoid the slight awkwardness of having another have to observe you shoving food in your gob while they sit there all passive and sensible.

But you don’t think it was weird for the op to want cake, but to say nothing in case she had to pay for it? And then to moan her friend didn’t step up and offer even though it wasn’t her turn to pay for it? She just sat there watching her eat it, pissed off she didn’t buy her some too?

The good thing is that she wasn't a CF expecting you to pay for her cake. So not wholly selfish at all.

Cake and coffee x 2 can be v expensive so I think had you wanted cake you could have replied with any of the suggestions posted so far.

This is one of them things I couldn’t be bothered getting worked up about.