To be so upset about my lazy, overweight ten year old

[Limeandlemon]

Dd is 10, she’s overweight and obsessed with food. She comes in from school and goes straight to the fridge. She constantly asks for stuff, she sneaks stuff behind my back when I’m in the bath or upstairs.
On days out she constantly asks for food, what’s for lunch even when she’s just had her breakfast. I’m sick of it.
She ruins every day out or walk we ever go on. She moans she doesn’t want to walk, she moans she’s bored, she drags her feet and walks about with her face like thunder.
I’m really outdoorsy, I love being out hill walking, bird watching, going to seaside etc but she holds me back and complains about everything.
We took her away for a nights stay in an air b&b in the Cairngorms, an hour from where we live and she complained that nobody else does this stuff, why can’t we just be normal. Why can’t we celebrate Halloween by sitting in eating sweets and watching movies.
She’s so ungrateful.
She’s obsessed with watching YouTube videos and glued to her iPad. I can’t get her interested in anything else.
She goes horse riding once a week and that’s all I can afford, plus corona virus restrictions mean we can’t sign her up to anything else for now.
I work full time and it’s dark when I finish so can’t take her to the park after school now.
She’s an only child and gets bored easily, no play dates with current restrictions but have had a couple of park meetings when I can with her and her friends but can’t manage more than once a fortnight.
I’m at my wits end with her and I’m not enjoying being a parent just now. I almost feel like I have a weight tied to me holding me back from doing anything that I find enjoyable. I just want to have family days out without screaming arguments.
Anyone in the same boat?

Bloody hell op your poor dd. You seem to be annoyed with her for not being the 10 year old version of you.

I had 3 children who never wanted to go out and do anything like you've described...by the time they were old enough to stay home alone thats what they did.

My 10 year old DD is similar. In fact I posted about it on Preteens the other day. I'm hoping its just a phase they go through.

For me the Cairngorm would be amazing but I know my DD wouldn't like it either to be honest. She rather be at home with friends (bit different now though!) which I understand. Your DD clearly has different interests to you and at 10 she is capable of expressing that to you. Maybe do a day where she gets to choose the activity and then another day you?

I have no real helpful advice as I'm going through it to. Know that you are not alone in this!! We can make it through....wine is my comfort in the evening once shes in bed!!

You sound really judgemental and angry she isn't like you. It's awful you describe her as a weight tied to you. What do you think children are? Just a mini me who you get to hail around doing the things you enjoy?

10 year olds aren't stupid, she can probably feel the contempt you have for her.

What do you do that's of interest to her? Outdoor stuff is fine if all members of the family are into it but shes not. You sound like you dislike her and she sounds like she knows it.

@doctorhamster so what do you suggest then? Let her stay glued to her iPad all day lazing about, with no fresh air or exercise?
From where I’m standing I see plenty families spend time outdoors doing things with minimal fuss. I don’t want her to be a mini version of me but I don’t want screaming arguments every time we go out to places for a walk or to do an outdoor activity.
She would even kick off if we went to the zoo. All she wants to do is stay home on her iPad all day.
If you are going to criticise then at least have a solution.

I think you need to make space for both of your preferences about what to do. She chooses the activity one time, you choose the next. Model the behaviour you want to see in her, so show an interest in her activities and participate willingly in what she wants to do. Then you can explain that you expect the same in return.

Have you tried looking at this from your dds perspective?

She sounds like she's bored and trying to seek your attention, I highly doubt most 10 year old would choose hiking over relaxing at home. Again, I'm sure most 10 year old would feel upset if they weren't able to celebrate things such as Halloween- especially if there friends are... even though in your eyes you've tried to do something better for her.

You love being outside, but she doesn't- and thats okay! But pick your battles op! Maybe spend time cooking and talking about healthy eating. Maybe ask her what SHE would like to spend time doing with you?

My DD is 11 and sounds pretty similar to yours tbh- she’s not overweight but she’s always hungry, screen obsessed, lazy and moans on outings. I think it’s pretty normal! I negotiate with her. Sometimes she has to come, sometimes she gets to stay. Sometimes we do things me or her siblings wants to do, sometimes she gets to pick. We have a dog which helps get her it of the house. I remember moaning on family outings too. She’ll be ok.

It sounds like she has an addictive personality and is currently sugar and tech addict???

I would stop buying anything high in carbs and go carb cold turkey.

Can you get her into cooking as she is so good focused?

Just try and tackle one aspect for now?

What types of things is she looking at on the iPad? Cooking hacks? Craft stuff? Make up tutorials? Maybe what shes looking at is a clue to her interests. Does she like horse riding? Theres lots of videos on how to make healthy horse treats.

You had a thread a few weeks back about how your daughter was being bullied at school and how its caused anxiety and tics.

Poor kid now has her mum on her case too
Maybe

My parents dragged me on their outdoorsy hobby for years. I bloody hated it.

Could you try to find some common ground?

Over the next couple of years she's only going to enjoy this kind of activity less. Once they get the age where they have more choice over how they spend their time, you need to listen to what they say they want to do (at least some of the time) if you want to spend time with them.

I think you need to focus on your own negative attitude towards your dd more than looking at what sounds like quite normal 10yo behaviour.

Most 10yos would prefer to celebrate halloween with sweets and films than a walking holiday. Most of her friends will be doing that and she will be comparing.

It is of course fine to limit snacks to healthier options and to say your dc have to do activities you have chosen sometimes, but it is ok for them not to be wildly keen.

I felt really sad for your dd reading what you wrote about her.

Maybe you could talk with her and find out something specific she's interested in and help her develop her own interest? It could be something she's seen on YouTube, maybe be more open-minded.

Is she having too much screen time do you think?

Try giving her bigger portions of healthy meals and don't buy things you don't want her to eat or at least don't show her them and lock them away

Not everyone likes hill walking. Or being in the countryside. It’s not a measure of moral superiority to enjoy these things (I’m speaking as someone who does enjoy them very much now, but really didn’t as a child).

The obsession with food is definitely an issue you need to work on; obviously. As is trying to broaden her interests a bit (by choosing things she likes).

But your post sounds as though you really don’t like her much at all. If she senses this level of - well it almost sounds like contempt - it’s not surprising she is acting the way she is. Try to find something to break this cycle. And don’t expect her to be like you.

Maybe think about things from your daughters pov

@RandomMess children need carbs that's poor advice.

Also v dodgy with the addictive personality crap

You can't expect her to have the same interests as you.

However, you are not being unreasonable to want to encourage a) a more active lifestyle and b) a healthier relationship with food, given she is overweight.

Have you asked her if there are any sporty activities she would like to do? Be prepared that they might not/probably won't be things you want to do. She might want to do a you tube dance class or fitness work out. Maybe she would like to do something more active if she could do it with a friend (obv not possible with lockdown but one to consider for the future).

My mum was like you and I hated it. All my friends got to go on nice holidays abroad or to the seaside and we always had to go to a cottage in the middle of nowhere and walk for hours looking at green stuff.

Presumably she isn't that fat if she can go horse riding, maybe sometimes you could let her chose activities. Not during lockdown but after plenty of groups will be running again, she just needs chance to find something she can get into; football, netball, rugby, martial arts, fencing, athletics, gymnastics, swimming, roller skating, ice skating, trampolining. You can do some of these for very little cost

I remember my dad being similarly pissed off that I didn't enjoy what he did. It didn't make for a good relationship, believe me.

Did you ask her what she wanted to do for Halloween? Or did you just decide on the Cairngorms and expect her to suck it up? Because let's be fair, the weather these past few days has been appalling - I'm not sure I'd go out in it voluntarily as an adult, let alone as a 10yo.

My parents loved nice, wholesome holidays to the Lake District or the wilds of Scotland - nice healthy meals and long walks no matter the weather. I hated it and was so pleased when I was first allowed to stay home alone!

You can't expect a 10yo to enjoy what you do. I'm in my thirties now and work a job that requires huge amounts of walking no matter what the weather - but I still love cosying up at home in front of the TV doing very little!

When you say she's overweight, what's her diet like? The easiest way to control it, is to just not buy the junk food. Only have healthy snacks available. The dark also shouldn't be a reason to stay indoors all evening - get a head torch on and go out anyway. Maybe not to the park, but you could do things like walk to the shops to pick a DVD out, or borrow a neighbours' dog and offer to walk it occasionally. Or what about Joe Wickes or something on YouTube? Or a mini indoor trampoline? The key at that age is to make it fun, I think.

I feel for you OP. My DC are smaller but my nephew is like this, overweight, complains about leaving the house, eating all the time and glued to a device. Its ALL he wants to do.

I don't know what the answer is, I was only thinking recently, when I was that age I did get dragged around to all sorts of places I didn't want to go, I wasnt always filled with excitement but I certainly didn't moan complain or make a fuss. I definitely didn't ruin it for my parents

I would say to her she needs to be more active, I'm sure the latest guideline for kids was 1 hr a day, what would she like to do to be more active as she obviously doesn't like walking in the countryside. Then see what she comes up with. If she is struggling some options might include learning dance routines on YouTube, Joe wicks style exercises to follow on YouTube, Geocaching, bike rides, walking in the town/city, skipping, obstacle courses (make one in your house or garden) etc

I know it's hard times right now so maybe pick your battles but you are the parent. If she kicks off when you go out then ban the screen. Make her go out. She needs exercise and fresh air. Get rid of the junk and don't buy any more. If she can't be trusted keep the food high up. Or punish her for being sneaky. If she's hungry give her fruit or crackers or what not

You sound horrible! You don't like her very much do you?! I pretty sure she'll be picking up on it too. Poor kid. Birdwatching ffs!