To be so upset about my lazy, overweight ten year old

[Limeandlemon]

Dd is 10, she’s overweight and obsessed with food. She comes in from school and goes straight to the fridge. She constantly asks for stuff, she sneaks stuff behind my back when I’m in the bath or upstairs.
On days out she constantly asks for food, what’s for lunch even when she’s just had her breakfast. I’m sick of it.
She ruins every day out or walk we ever go on. She moans she doesn’t want to walk, she moans she’s bored, she drags her feet and walks about with her face like thunder.
I’m really outdoorsy, I love being out hill walking, bird watching, going to seaside etc but she holds me back and complains about everything.
We took her away for a nights stay in an air b&b in the Cairngorms, an hour from where we live and she complained that nobody else does this stuff, why can’t we just be normal. Why can’t we celebrate Halloween by sitting in eating sweets and watching movies.
She’s so ungrateful.
She’s obsessed with watching YouTube videos and glued to her iPad. I can’t get her interested in anything else.
She goes horse riding once a week and that’s all I can afford, plus corona virus restrictions mean we can’t sign her up to anything else for now.
I work full time and it’s dark when I finish so can’t take her to the park after school now.
She’s an only child and gets bored easily, no play dates with current restrictions but have had a couple of park meetings when I can with her and her friends but can’t manage more than once a fortnight.
I’m at my wits end with her and I’m not enjoying being a parent just now. I almost feel like I have a weight tied to me holding me back from doing anything that I find enjoyable. I just want to have family days out without screaming arguments.
Anyone in the same boat?

Do you like your daughter OP? I had a mother who didn't like me very much and as a result I didn't much like spending time with her either. It wasn't her fault just different personalities I guess. She tried to not let it show but it did. Anyway I spent all my time as a child in my bedroom reading as a way of not having to be around my parents who clearly didn't want me there. Had I a screen I am sure I would have been just as obsessed with it. You say the situation is making you depressed. That is probably true for your daughter as well.

I'd imagine she's pretty miserable too OP.

My dd is 10 and would probably zone out on the iPad all day if she was allowed to but she never has been so she doesn't.

One of her friends is like your dd and I honestly think it's because her parents get so fed up of the whining they give in to the iPad to get a break and it's a vicious circle.

If she likes TikTok for example could you learn some dances with her? Encourage her to do cooking TikToks? Or tours of local area tiktoks?

@OhCaptain

As a side note, where I’m from horse riding would be one of the more expensive activities.

You could probably get two decent, social activities like a dance class or martial art for the same money you’re spending on one lesson a week.

I did wonder about this as well - I've looked at horse riding and couldn'tafford it but dance groups and swimming were affordable.

My mother was like you. I had to be a clone of her and her preferences or I was worthless.

The way you speak about your DD is shocking and so sad.

Is she even overweight? I look back at photos of my childhood when I was being called fat over and over and I wasn't even overweight, just not stick thin. Eventually I ended up with disordered eating and a yo-yoing weight problem that has stayed with me into adulthood (self fulfilling prophecy!!).

You need to do a lot of mending of your relationship before your DD will feel like she can share her genuine passions with you. She will be trying so hard to please you so that you love her, every child desperately wants to be loved by their mother.

I'm 40 now and no contact with my mother. You need to sort this mess that you have got yourself and your DD into now before you do anymore damage.

Did you ask her if she wanted to go to the zoo? Or did you assume that because it was more child friendly than hill walking that she would like to do it?

If she likes YouTube and tiktok have you considered asking her to teach you some of the tiktok dances or letting her set up her own- private of course- YouTube channel? She might then find going out more interesting because she could film it and that interests her?

On the food side of things, if she is overweight then that needs addressing but do not put her on a diet! That will lead to disordered eating for years to come- she needs to learn about nutrition and portion control, not having crisps, sweets, ice cream etc in the house is a good starting point but don’t eliminate them completely as then she’ll want them more

It sounds like more communication is needed, she’s probably a bit lonely especially with the current situation, she may also be anxious about everything too and being home is somewhere safe for her to just be and not worry

She may be depressed, she will also most likely be entering puberty and will be constantly hungry. There are books on parenting pre teen girls..I recommend you get one as it's important to build a bond now at this most difficult time when you may not even like her and punishing her and her sending she cant do right by you will store up resentment and fracture your relationship for years to come. She is not you..you need to make an effort to understand what she enjoys doing without being dismissive of it.

Overweight: You and only you are in control of this. She's 10 and she can only eat what's in the house. Breakfast, lunch, snack after school, dinner, possibly pudding depending on what you had for dinner. Warm drink before bed. Water/milk only during the week, squash at the weekend. Ignore moaning, put headphones in, sweets are earnt with good behaviour. At the beginning this might have to be 'only' whinging for 30 mins instead of 60. And by sweets I mean a little packet of something, not a large chocolate bar. Look at her portions, post photos here, people will soon tell you if they are unrealistic (they usually are, people are crap at measuring a decent amount of food). Explain the difference between hungry (stomach actively rumbling) and bored/peckish/in an eating rut.

Days out: Sit down and explain why this is important. Something like 'well DD we HAVE to go out x amount of times a week, everyone gets a say in where and what we do so I want you to write 5 places down on this list where you would like to go or what you would like to do'. I'm going to write 5 down too and we will make a timetable. I won't winge on your days and you won't winge on mine. We are a family and that means give and take. It isn't healthy to sit at home on the ipad all the time so that isn't allowed on the list.

You say she loves tiktok. Watch it with her. Learn some of the dances (ignore how ridiculous you feel), what is she watching on youtube? sit down and watch some episodes with her, they are more than likely absolute wank but suck it up. Pretend to be interested.

She doesn't feel good about herself. And when people don't feel good about them selves, when something else is hurting them they turn to food or booze or drugs or sex or anything to distract from what is actually going on. She is still young enough to turn this around.

You really need to find a balance here. I love being outdoors and would happily do what you’re describing.
My dcs would certainly get fed up of being ushered outdoors all the time when they want to spend time in screens.
I still get them out walking but it’s usually for a couple of hours on a weekend (unless we’re away). That way they don’t resent it.
They often choose what they want to do, what they want to eat and what films we watch on weekends. They also know that sometimes I get to choose.
I bought my older dc a camera so that makes walking around different places a bit more interesting.
I talk to my dc a lot about balance in life and that exercise, learning, chores and healthy food should always be part of every day.
They still have their fair share of junk food and screen time but it’s usually part of their downtime.

I mean, fair enough she shouldn’t just be sitting in on her iPad all the time but it sounds like you keep making her do activities she doesn’t want to do, because she isn’t you.
The amount of bloody car boot sales I had to go to as a child - I probably moaned at some of them because I didn’t want to go to them (and still don’t as an adult 😂) I used to be so mad at my dad when he would point out signs for them to my mum!
That said it’s not acceptable for her to be super rude, but you should probably stop taking her on days out to stuff that you know isn’t going to be a treat for her and then getting mad when she isn’t grateful.

We have to drag our DS out every single day of the year. It sometimes works to say that their Grandpa loves walks as then at least they are doing something for him and not us! You might need to get creative and ask her, or what about planning shopping so you have to include a walk, etc

My dd is ten...she loves to shop and I'd imagine your dd is similar. Why don't you take her shopping, tell her she's got £10 to spend and you want her to choose something to buy that she can do at home...maybe an arts and crafts kit, jewellery making set and go home and do it together

@Limeandlemon you haven’t responded to several suggestions about removing the iPad most or all the time - why is it something you want her to have?

I’m afraid I was also moany on family walks, I think because I had siblings it maybe wasn’t AS annoying and everyone would just laugh at me (fair enough!). Only children do get soooo much scrutiny from their parents. Half the time she probably just needs ignoring when she’s moaning etc it’s a natural way to let off steam.

When do you feel closest to her, OP? Sounds like you’ve lost track of liking and respecting each other at the moment. She seems to get sent to horse riding, the zoo, up a hill because these things are good for her or aimed at kids. It’s a bloody difficult age, 10, because she’ll be hitting puberty and feeling strange and probably her body feels weird but at the same time she’s still v young and a cuddle from you or some relaxing time together watching a film etc probably means the world.

She would rather stay in and play her iPad which of course we can’t do on holiday.

Genuine question, but why not? Holidays are about doing what you enjoy and having some down-time, surely?

If the weather in Scotland is anything like it was here in Cumbria yesterday, I'm not surprised she didn't want to go out! It was utterly miserable.

It’s not her fault, OP. iPads / iPhones and even junk food are DESIGNED to be addictive. She’s 10. She’s far too young for a screen. I know that’s not a popular opinion; but she shouldn’t have one. And she shouldn’t have access to junk food either.

It sounds tough and I am sympathetic. The world we live in means it’s hard to restrict those things. But her child-brain has absolutely no self-control over addictive things whatsoever. The screen gives her easy endorphins, so does the junk food.

Now she’s in the habit of screens, I don’t know how you can take them away. I’d say the fact that she easily gets bored is down to the screens too, they give children shorter attention spans.

@PhilSwagielka

Jennie, OP’s post massively triggered me. People like her who hate their daughters for not being perfect little clones are the worst.

Where has she said she hates her daughter? She's FED UP, she doesn't hate her. You can be pissed off and still love someone. Op needs support and advice, not to be told she hates her daughter.

Get rid of tiktok and the ipad! Honestly they do so much damage.

And this is why my children aren't getting there own iPad

You really need to find a balance here. I love being outdoors and would happily do what you’re describing.My dcs would certainly get fed up of being ushered outdoors all the time when they want to spend time in screens.*I still get them out walking but it’s usually for a couple of hours on a weekend (unless we’re away). That way they don’t resent it

^This.

Even away for us it's often do something in morning chill few hours then do something else with occasional all day thing in there as well.

I have a 12yo with much the same view of the world. I don't take any notice. At all.

We do compromise. He plays Minecraft after homework but I insist he has a swimming lesson and an hour's martial arts at the weekend. If he refuses, I remove all his tech and the TV remote. When we were in lockdown and the schools were closed, we cycled or walked for an hour every day. He could choose to play kickabout if he preferred.

On food, I don't buy many biscuits or crisps. I don't buy sweets or fizzy drinks at all. DS can always help himself to cheese, tomatoes, bread rolls. There's pate and taramasalata. I don't limit his food but sweets are for birthdays, Xmas and Easter.

Don't give in. Don't blink first

DS is 10 and the same. Always hungry, hates sport or activities and would spend the day glued to a screen if he could. However, his iPad has a passcode and I only unlock it if he's done some kind of sport or been outside to play for a bit. Games have a limit for 2 hours, then it's educational stuff only. He doesn't have it connected to the internet, if he watches YouTube it's on the tv in the living room.

She’s a tricky age and these are difficult times which is likely adding a layer of additional stress on you as a family.

My advice is lower your expectations of your perfect day out or holiday and try accept that right now DD has very different ideas as to how she would like to spend her time.

She sounds miserable - could she be depressed? Looking back at age 10-16 I was depressed and was being bullied at school. My home was my retreat and where I felt safe. I didn’t want to go out. My parents had no idea what was going on for me, never asked if anything was wrong and i just got through those years by bunking off school whenever possible and retreating into my own world.

Have you had a heart to heart with her? If not it’s worth telling her you love her and are concerned she might be struggling with things and see if she will open up. It sounds so trite but they do grow up so fast and before you know it you will be having the holidays and days out you like when she’s flown the nest. Sometimes our kids can be pretty unlovable but that’s when they need our love and support the most. It’s hard OP and I sympathise.