To be so upset about my lazy, overweight ten year old

[Limeandlemon]

Dd is 10, she’s overweight and obsessed with food. She comes in from school and goes straight to the fridge. She constantly asks for stuff, she sneaks stuff behind my back when I’m in the bath or upstairs.
On days out she constantly asks for food, what’s for lunch even when she’s just had her breakfast. I’m sick of it.
She ruins every day out or walk we ever go on. She moans she doesn’t want to walk, she moans she’s bored, she drags her feet and walks about with her face like thunder.
I’m really outdoorsy, I love being out hill walking, bird watching, going to seaside etc but she holds me back and complains about everything.
We took her away for a nights stay in an air b&b in the Cairngorms, an hour from where we live and she complained that nobody else does this stuff, why can’t we just be normal. Why can’t we celebrate Halloween by sitting in eating sweets and watching movies.
She’s so ungrateful.
She’s obsessed with watching YouTube videos and glued to her iPad. I can’t get her interested in anything else.
She goes horse riding once a week and that’s all I can afford, plus corona virus restrictions mean we can’t sign her up to anything else for now.
I work full time and it’s dark when I finish so can’t take her to the park after school now.
She’s an only child and gets bored easily, no play dates with current restrictions but have had a couple of park meetings when I can with her and her friends but can’t manage more than once a fortnight.
I’m at my wits end with her and I’m not enjoying being a parent just now. I almost feel like I have a weight tied to me holding me back from doing anything that I find enjoyable. I just want to have family days out without screaming arguments.
Anyone in the same boat?

I do agree that there is a middle ground but going for a walk isn't "sporty". Of course it doesn't have to be up a mountain, but a good walk, or a bike ride every day should really be part of every child's day

If she’s interested in Stand Up Paddleboarding might she be interested in Sea Scouts? She’s about the right age for it and it would be a way for her to try lots of water based sports relatively cheaply.

Going against the grain I’d suggest giving her more control around food. Maybe have her take charge of two meals per week with restrictions- must be within budget and include two portions of veg for example. Help her pick from recipe books and cook together on her evenings - don’t take over, let her direct, but be around to chop veg together or whatever. She might talk more if you’re both occupied with a task.

Could you sit with her on the couch or wherever and watch what she's watching?
😒ooh yes, she will love that.

You sound like you don't like your daughter very much. My 11 year old raids the fridge all the time as does the 6 year old. I try to get around this by cooking / baking with them, even if it's once a week. Perhaps you need to factor in some fun OP.

Can you find something outdoorsy she does like ? My daughter is obsessed with riding and while I am fortunate to be able to afford a loan pony for her that doesn't fill the hours at home ! She loves jumping so my DH has made some jumps for her out of wood and plastic piping. She runs round the garden for hours with these - basically hurdling. We also made a hobbyhorse which she adores. Maybe she would enjoy coming out with a hobbyhorse with you ? Hobbyhorsing is MASSIVE in Finland - and it has stated DD off on sewing as she makes rugs, bridles, fly veils etc for her horse. She would never want to come out "for a walk" but she will be out like a dose of salts for a "hack with the HH". We also recently started playing tennis together

She also has a tendency to want food all the time so I make a concerted effort to make sure it's healthier snacks and I have very small chocolates and tiny sweets instead of something bigger. Eg there are lots of nets of choc around - Brussels sprouts, Halloween pumpkins etc.

A bit about hobbyhorsing edition.cnn.com/videos/sports/2017/06/27/hobbyhorsing-finland-newest-craze-horse-equestrian-orig.cnn

If she likes YouTube then there are loads of videos on there - my daughter avidly follows a Finnish girl who has tutorials, goes out with her horse and all sorts

I forgot to say op, my daughter is 10 as well.

In relation to the iPad, I had to go a whole Easter holiday without it to break her obsession. She was like yours, didn't want to do anything else etc etc. I had to take dramatic action and while it was extremely hard work for me finding other things for her to do, it worked. I'm sorry but you need a bit of tough love - if you want to break the iPad fixation you'll need to be prepared to put in a lot of work. You can do it but only if you are willing to really engage with her

i think it's disgusting that you've referred to your daughter as "overweight and lazy" and a weight around your neck, holding you back etc etc.

OP, i know i'm not the only one posting this but you really need to get a grip.

your idea of "family days" out seems to pretty much be YOUR idea of a good day out.

there's no give or take in your OP at all. it's all what YOU think she should enjoy, or do.

i'm not even in particular disagreement with some of the practical stuff (getting outdoors is healthy, doing things we don't always want to do is a good leson)... but ffs, there needs to be a balance.

i often find motherood suffocating, and my ability to do things that take 10mins now seem to take a fucking age to do, and the logistics of having a grumpy/needs a nap/hungry child who interrupts you constantly.. well i DO sympathise.

but there's no softness to your approach at all, you need to tone it down and build up your idea of family time as a truly FAMILY focused thing.. not what the family " should " do according to only your desires.

i really am quite upset and unsettled that you are being so harsh with your child, she's only 10! 10! ffs!

I think its a grown up thing! my parents dragged me to the peak district every Sunday as a kid, I hated it! my friends were all out on the street playing with each other i had to stop playing to go walk up a hill, the same one we go up every week and when i come home they were inside for the night .
I wish they could have alternated weeks or something, i do feel like your not seeing this from her perspective. could you not have gone away and attended a halloweeny event? thats what we did.

I think going for a walk just for the sake of it would be pretty boring for lots of kids and adults to be honest. Bike rides are a different thing I think. My dd prefers to walk with a purpose for we'll go on a walk but we're walking to the supermarket and I will get her a magazine so it's more of an incentive. Long walks through countryside always seem to be an activity for retired people.

YouTube is an absolute bugger, they almost get addicted to it and you can't police the content easily. Unfortunately, she's 10 so you can't just switch to CBBC on iPlayer. I'd try and reduce the iPad time, how many hours is it a day?

I'd also get healthier snacks in. Is she eating so much as she is bored? Or for comfort? A previous poster mentioned a bullying thread.

Would she like online exercise videos? Something fun? You could try different things, like dance, yoga etc. Then say that she can't have the iPad unless she does something else first. And that there won't be any biscuits until after dinner, unless she helps you cook? It sounds like she needs some new interests. What is she doing on the iPad? What does she like?

I'd second trying love bombing her, the difficult behaviour might be a way to get attention. It's difficult to give positive attention if she's always whinging, but it might stop the cycle of grumpiness.

Have you tried to get her into Pokémon Go or Wizards United so that the had a purpose for walking outside rather than because it is green and you think that she should look at the view?

Long walks through countryside always seem to be an activity for retired people

Not here. Loads of kids walking in the countryside. Maybe that's why the local primary has almost no overweight kids.

Have someone like this on my family. All he does is sit and play PlayStation and sneak food from the kitchen. Won't go out to play with friends, refuses their offers. Just locked in room. Putting on weight, fat. If I were his mum, I'd take away the PlayStation.

think its a grown up thing! my parents dragged me to the peak district every Sunday as a kid, I hated it! my friends were all out on the street playing with each other i had to stop playing to go walk up a hill, the same one we go up every week and when i come home they were inside for the night angryangry.

Well, were you fat? If not, not as issue. I played console a lot as a kid but I wasn't overweight. Clearly this child require more exercise and less fucking food. She's not playing out in the street with her mates is she.

Those of you who are still coming on to stick the boot in, the OP’s said she’s not coming back to the thread.

FWIW, it sounds bloody hard dealing with a child who only wants to eat and play with their iPad when that’s clearly not good for them.

I appreciate it is hard work with an only child during Covid. I had to steel myself for half term and we worked our way through Bake off. We watched it then planned and cooked. Small steps but maybe think about the quality of screen time. I have banned crappy YouTube as it was having a marked effect on DDs mood.
Walking at night when you could go somewhere to see stars etc, compromised? Subtle changes, and we are now reminding DD, the world doesn't revolve around her, sometimes you just have to suck it up but if you don't try, you can't know.
How about some science stuff, to watvh and then repeat? John Chase is great for kids.

FWIW, it sounds bloody hard dealing with a child who only wants to eat and play with their iPad when that’s clearly not good for them.

This didn't happen overnight. The OP provides both the food and the tech (the child is TEN). Clearly the OP has taken the easy option of parenting until suddenly she discovers the outcome is inconvenient for her. Bit late at that point to expect the child to suddenly be up for a daily ramble with someone who clearly has a lot of disdain for them.

Thing is, not many traditional activities give the same level of stimulation vs effort as playing with tech, especially video games. My 11yo godson would play Fortnite all day if he could, but luckily also enjoys playing football etc too. I wonder if this might be easier with boys as burgeoning testosterone maybe makes them more inclined to do something energetic as an outlet for the energy.

I tend to just say no to my children, it works, they don’t impode!

*implode

No reason you can't go out in the dark.

My dd prefers dark walks as they are more exciting.

Light up ball for the park is always a hit