To be so upset about my lazy, overweight ten year old

[Limeandlemon]

Dd is 10, she’s overweight and obsessed with food. She comes in from school and goes straight to the fridge. She constantly asks for stuff, she sneaks stuff behind my back when I’m in the bath or upstairs.
On days out she constantly asks for food, what’s for lunch even when she’s just had her breakfast. I’m sick of it.
She ruins every day out or walk we ever go on. She moans she doesn’t want to walk, she moans she’s bored, she drags her feet and walks about with her face like thunder.
I’m really outdoorsy, I love being out hill walking, bird watching, going to seaside etc but she holds me back and complains about everything.
We took her away for a nights stay in an air b&b in the Cairngorms, an hour from where we live and she complained that nobody else does this stuff, why can’t we just be normal. Why can’t we celebrate Halloween by sitting in eating sweets and watching movies.
She’s so ungrateful.
She’s obsessed with watching YouTube videos and glued to her iPad. I can’t get her interested in anything else.
She goes horse riding once a week and that’s all I can afford, plus corona virus restrictions mean we can’t sign her up to anything else for now.
I work full time and it’s dark when I finish so can’t take her to the park after school now.
She’s an only child and gets bored easily, no play dates with current restrictions but have had a couple of park meetings when I can with her and her friends but can’t manage more than once a fortnight.
I’m at my wits end with her and I’m not enjoying being a parent just now. I almost feel like I have a weight tied to me holding me back from doing anything that I find enjoyable. I just want to have family days out without screaming arguments.
Anyone in the same boat?

Poor little sod. Please get her some therapy, urgently, because living with a mother with such an attitude, she is really going to need it. Sounds like she's screaming inside already.

For some people, food (especially carbs) is a calming, tranquilising device. Numbs the pain. Perhaps your daughter is doing all she can to numb her pain.

Advice - lots of healthy snacks ready in the fridge. She's going to look there, let her find something that's good for her. Carrot stick and celery sticks, some sliced apple or orange. Put your energy into supporting her, not despising her.

Find one nice, different, thing to say about her every day. Say it to her, say it to everyone else. You need retraining. You're in the habit of disliking her.

Stop imagining your way is the only way or the best way. Her way is valid. Being her is enough.

@Legooo

At no point is the op being cruel.

And have you never made a parenting mistake? Especially over lockdown.
My dc ate a lot more crap and spent more time on devices then I normally would have given, but we were in survival mode.

And my dc are still not back to their normal fitness or playing imagination.

This year has been shit.

And also my dc piss me off loads and there are time’s I don’t like them and guess what it’s ok!!!

We are allowed to want to improve our children and want the best for them and that is what the op is doing.

My son is sixteen but is similar in that he’s glued to a screen and doesn’t want to go out. I make him come out on my shorter afternoon dog walk every other day and he does Ringfit Adventure most evenings. I go out for a long morning walk but we never go on days out anymore....it was always so miserable that I gave up. It can be depressing to not be able to go out and also, you want your daughter to be slim and fit and have interests that don’t involve a screen. Kids seem to prefer walks with a purpose...they don’t like walking for the sake of walking. What about going to the seaside and walking along the beach and then going to the amusements or crazy golf and having a (small) ice cream?

Many people are saying ‘Think of your poor daughter’ etc but you just want your daughter to be healthy. There’s nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately, kids don’t think much about their health and our lifestyles now aren’t very health promoting so everything requires effort. When we were young, we were outside a lot more and didn’t have access to loads of snacks so our parents didn’t have to do much to keep us healthy.

Describing a ten year old as lazy is fucked up.

No it isn't.

[quote Ladywinesalot]@Limeandlemon

I think you may want to get this thread deleted for your own mental health.

Clearly many of these posters are on crack tonight...[/quote]
I can only guess you didn't have a parent who made it clear that they didn't like the person you were, or took responsibility for things they clearly should have been monitoring.

My DC find walks boring. We sometimes do trails (we downloaded some Halloween ones) or "treasure hunts" (also downloadable for less than £10) but there usually has to be some sort of treat/bribe attached to a walk.

@Booboobibles

My son is sixteen but is similar in that he’s glued to a screen and doesn’t want to go out. I make him come out on my shorter afternoon dog walk every other day and he does Ringfit Adventure most evenings. I go out for a long morning walk but we never go on days out anymore....it was always so miserable that I gave up. It can be depressing to not be able to go out and also, you want your daughter to be slim and fit and have interests that don’t involve a screen. Kids seem to prefer walks with a purpose...they don’t like walking for the sake of walking. What about going to the seaside and walking along the beach and then going to the amusements or crazy golf and having a (small) ice cream?

Many people are saying ‘Think of your poor daughter’ etc but you just want your daughter to be healthy. There’s nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately, kids don’t think much about their health and our lifestyles now aren’t very health promoting so everything requires effort. When we were young, we were outside a lot more and didn’t have access to loads of snacks so our parents didn’t have to do much to keep us healthy.

Being healthy is not just about physical health though; it sounds like this poor girl's mental health is pretty bad and no amount of bird watching is going to solve that.

Who brought her the iPad?

Who controls her access to it?

Who controls what snacks are brought into the house and whether they're healthy?

Who's been watching her diet and exercise for the last X years that she's got fat?

I don't doubt you love your daughter OP but it's also clear you don't like her very much at the moment. O think it's worth looking back and wondering when did it all change? Has she always had a poor diet with a tendency to gorge or is it just lockdown? How long has she been allowed so much access to the iPad?

Lockdown is hard and lots of is have resorted to parenting we wouldn't otherwise have chose but of it's just since then, it should be easier to turn around than of it's always been like this.

I'd start by limiting iPad access and looking at what quality of food she has access to. Is there any exercise classes / dance etc on YoiTube you could do together?

Take to iPad away, tell her it’s broken. Limit screen time to only evenings on the weekends. You will have a few bad days then a different child. Screens are addictive and some children are especially vulnerable.

Sorry to hear this. My advice to minimize use of IPad, phone tilktok etc or if you can not control her and there is no trust between two of you do not let her to use it at all. At least she would need to do somethingelse yo amuse herself. Next to this-So many of us work and go out for a walk after the dinner. Yes it us dark. So what

I might be projecting my own issues here. But I was quite similar as a child, I loved food - especially junk food. My mum was emotionally abusive and never let me forget about how fat I was.
This resulted in me going from obese to anorexic. I'm 21 now and I still have anorexia and it's made my life hell.
I hope you don't show your daughter how harshly you view her because it's the ideal way to cause eating disorders/ disordered eating.
Try not to buy as much junk food so it's not in the house, make healthy meals and have fruit etc readily available for snacks.
It can be difficult but imo the best way to encourage dietary and lifestyle change is to take small, manageable steps rather than shaming her.

I think most parents who have been through the tween and teen stages will have gone through periods or even just moments when they've loved their kids dearly, but haven't liked their behaviour. Criticising the OP isn't remotely helpful when she is looking for solutions. Ipads are horrendously addictive to the point that they can have a dire effect on children's behaviour, as they're so desperate to continue playing. I think the only answer, is to have a proper chat with her about your concerns, and about her worries. Negotiate an agreement about limits on screen time, her choice of healthy snacks (focus totally on health rather than weight). Talk about activities she'd like to do, while reminding her that you have a right to a happy, healthy life too and so she has to compromise and not moan when it's your turn to get your choice of activity. Good luck.

You do love your daughter. You care about her health and about spending time with her. It sounds like you are seeking advice how best to do that. There are some helpful advice here already about how to tackle that. There are also some unnecessarily harsh comments. The fact that you want to change things is a positive sign. Managing this age group and teens is very tricky and iPads/tech are designed to be addictive.

You need to answer the ioad questions.It can easily be controlled at age 10.Limit it to weekends only thats what I do with mine.

What the fuck is a cooking hack? Just get some decent fresh stuff , ie really fresh. ditch 80% of the addictive white , sugar stuff.

Do you have a pet? could you borrow one? Go out with it.

I think you just need to take control OP, then you will feel better which will have positive knock-on effects.

IPads have a built in screen time limiter. Go and set it for 2-3 hrs a day now. That is one problem sorted.

Then clear the house out of anything unhealthy. If there are other people in the house who want sugary stuff, buy a lockable tuck box. Feed your DD 3 healthy, carefully portioned meals a day and nothing else from now on.

She is going to kick off, but it will subside when she realises you are not going to cave and she will develop a better mindset about doing other things. Just tune the complaining out.

OP, I've just read your other thread. It looks like your dd has been having a hard time.

You clearly love your dd and care about her deeply. To that end, I would suggest you being tougher about screen usage (at 10, she shouldn't get to choose how often she's on her ipad) and more realistic about exercise/getting out.

Yes, she will moan, cry, declare that she hates you etc, but if there are alternative things for her to do eg reading, craft, music she will start to do them.

What does she do on her ipad? Tiktok and the like are incredibly addictive. Could you block these sites for a while?
Going for a walk around a local park might be more realistic for your dd than mountain walking, I'm afraid. It will also entail less time to moan, so less annoying for you.

Also, if you can, do invite a friend on a day out. My children do so, so much better on walks if they have friends. Just one of them on a long walk would undoubtedly be a completely moanathon.

Regarding food, if it's a comfort thing for your dd while she's feeling low, lots of fruit and veg sticks and no junk in the house might be the way to go. Then she can eat often but you won't worry about it harming her.

I meant Ipad

@Ladywinesalot don’t worry, I’m ignoring the pathetic nasty people making massive assumptions about how I feel about my daughter. I know I love her dearly and I don’t need to prove that to anyone.
I won’t be asking for advice on a parenting forum again. Nasty, unsupportive, judgmental posts and not what I was looking for here.
I just wanted some support after a difficult weekend, as a parent.
For those of you that have been helpful and supportive and kind thankyou.
I’m going to limit screen time to two hours per day.
I will never say to her she’s on a diet or discuss her weight but I’m going to be stricter with treats and we have healthy meals every night anyway. School is a bit of a problem as her friends buy sweets and chocolate on their way to school and share but I will do all I can to correct this.
I’m not giving up on days out as it’s so important for fresh air and exercise, and getting into nature and learning about the natural world but I will let her choose an activity before or after it she wants to do to try and balance it up more.
I won’t be posting or reading any further comments.

I can sympathise. My 9 year old son is similar. Wants to eat all the time, hates going out for walks (I love going for walks). I don’t really have any advice as going through it ourselves. We try and be firmer but it ends in screaming!

OK.

First, deep breath. Tell yourself that this frustration will pass. Being ten is a bit crap. You aren’t a little kid any more, you’re outgrowing kiddy trips to the zoo but too young to do teen things. Dealing with lockdown AND bullying on top is enough to make anyone grumpy, stressed and unwilling to leave their online comfort zone.

Eight years back I too had an overweight, unhappy, unwilling ten year old daughter. Thirty years ago, I had an unwilling, whingeing, sports-dodging ten year old sister, to my parents’ despair.

Both are now a bit outdoor-exercise obsessed. They needed to come to it in their own time.

Final thought: in DD’s case she had to be happier before she could lose weight, not the other way round.

[quote Ladywinesalot]@Legooo

At no point is the op being cruel.

And have you never made a parenting mistake? Especially over lockdown.
My dc ate a lot more crap and spent more time on devices then I normally would have given, but we were in survival mode.

And my dc are still not back to their normal fitness or playing imagination.

This year has been shit.

And also my dc piss me off loads and there are time’s I don’t like them and guess what it’s ok!!!

We are allowed to want to improve our children and want the best for them and that is what the op is doing.[/quote]
Hasn’t every parent made mistakes? Which hopefully they learn from.

If you are asking if I have ever abandoned being a responsible parent, left a child to overeat to the point of being overweight, whilst allowing them to have control over the use of highly addictive devices and developmentally damaging social media...then had the balls to bitch about said young child being overweight and wanting to spend all day in a device, whilst using terms such as ‘lazy’ to describe them. Simultaneously insisting I have no control over said things and getting angry when people point out the truth...

Then no. No I have never done that.

Does she really like the horse riding OP?
Only it's very expensive and unless she's really into horses would the money be better spent doing something else? You could probably do a couple of cheaper clubs for the same price.
Has she tried different active activities (if you're worried about her weight) like gymnastics/trampolining? Maybe she needs to try different things until she hits on something she loves.
What does she watch on YouTube that interests her?