To be so upset about my lazy, overweight ten year old

[Limeandlemon]

Dd is 10, she’s overweight and obsessed with food. She comes in from school and goes straight to the fridge. She constantly asks for stuff, she sneaks stuff behind my back when I’m in the bath or upstairs.
On days out she constantly asks for food, what’s for lunch even when she’s just had her breakfast. I’m sick of it.
She ruins every day out or walk we ever go on. She moans she doesn’t want to walk, she moans she’s bored, she drags her feet and walks about with her face like thunder.
I’m really outdoorsy, I love being out hill walking, bird watching, going to seaside etc but she holds me back and complains about everything.
We took her away for a nights stay in an air b&b in the Cairngorms, an hour from where we live and she complained that nobody else does this stuff, why can’t we just be normal. Why can’t we celebrate Halloween by sitting in eating sweets and watching movies.
She’s so ungrateful.
She’s obsessed with watching YouTube videos and glued to her iPad. I can’t get her interested in anything else.
She goes horse riding once a week and that’s all I can afford, plus corona virus restrictions mean we can’t sign her up to anything else for now.
I work full time and it’s dark when I finish so can’t take her to the park after school now.
She’s an only child and gets bored easily, no play dates with current restrictions but have had a couple of park meetings when I can with her and her friends but can’t manage more than once a fortnight.
I’m at my wits end with her and I’m not enjoying being a parent just now. I almost feel like I have a weight tied to me holding me back from doing anything that I find enjoyable. I just want to have family days out without screaming arguments.
Anyone in the same boat?

Hi, I think it’s obvious that you love your daughter very much otherwise you wouldn’t be posting on here asking for advice. If I were you I would post this on the preteen area as aibu tends to be rather harsh!
I found I needed to limit my 12 yr old on a screen as he was heading towards being overweight during the previous lockdown. (Unfortunately his swimming & football are no longer on again. ) To start with he kept nagging me to go back on a screen again, but I found if I told him the time he was allowed back on he could cope easier. He rediscovered drawing & cooking, although unfortunately not reading. Good luck

I think the OP checked out several pages ago, but in case you’re still reading OP - I get you. I have the moaning and negativity and constant demand for snacks in one child and it’s such a drain on my energy.

I’ve found recently, that priming them before we go out has helped a bit. I’ve said it’s MY day out too, and it’s not fair that you (1 person out of the 4 of us) get to spoil it. We’ll bring x snacks with us and we’ll have lunch at this time. I’m quite (very) firm as it can just be all.the.time.

I also find the constant demand for food is linked to boredom - which is tricky in your situation. But limiting screentime is a must - she’s only 10.

My kids whine about outdoorsy stuff too, they aren’t overweight but I agree with @AiryFairy1 about constant snacking being linked to boredom, they think they want to be on the iPad for hours but realistically it’s not actually stimulating them. A hard situation for you both

@RandomMess

It sounds like she has an addictive personality and is currently sugar and tech addict???

I would stop buying anything high in carbs and go carb cold turkey.

Can you get her into cooking as she is so good focused?

Just try and tackle one aspect for now?

Can we avoid armchair personality disorder diagnosis, especially of children?

To be clear addictive personality is a set of behavioural traits . It is not a formal diagnosis

Addictive personality is not a formal diagnosis

Personality disorder requires a formal diagnosis

Hi OP, I know it's tough when your expectations are different from the reality. Here's the truth: most 10 year olds are bored easily, they love their ipads, connecting with the world that way, an air B&B night away will never be great fun for them, they eat all the time. She just is a normal 10 year old. Of course one day, when she is older, she will learn to love walking, sightseeing, nature etc. Now she is 10, and wants sweets, films, and all that fun loud stuff that annoys us adults. She's also getting a bit too old for the park (well, mine started to get bored of the park by 10 too). I'm sure she is a lovely, kind girl. Who, by the way, has been through a really tough time this year. She has had to put up with not seeing her friends for months on end, has no siblings to play with/annoy her, and has a mum who is disappointed in her (kids pick that stuff up). When did you last tell her you were proud of her? That she is beautiful? That you understand it's been a tough year and you're going to treat her for coping so well with it by having a movie night with sweets, anything she likes! You know, my oldest was an only child for 7 years and I hope you don't mind me saying , but when you have one, you 'notice' everything. When you have 3 kids, you don't. So act like you have 3 kids, let stuff slide, let her get away with a few things, cuddler her hard and tell her how great she is tonight x ps i'm not saying you don't already, OP, just making suggestions x

Clearly the OP has taken the easy option of parenting until suddenly she discovers the outcome is inconvenient for her.

Is it ‘clear’? I don’t think that’s clear at all from her posts. Or the many others on here who have said they’re in similar situations. Do you mean you’ve decided it’s clearly all down to the OP’s parenting?

I think OP has gone but would have been good to know what her DD’s diet is like and what snacks are in the fridge, as I’m sure a pp would have asked.

Op some of the treatment you have had on here is shocking.

Your daughter is very likely getting over simulated by watching you tube and is then turning to god not because she is hungry but because the action of chewing is a soothing feedback that brings her back down after the ipad has sent her through the roof. Do some research into sensory diets and what sort of feed back different activities cause and hire we automatically counter act then to keep out balance. Think about a crying be born baby, we all automatically know that rocking the baby will soothe it.... it's not something taught, it's innate. If you don't already have a trampoline in your garden I would really suggest getting one.

But the best, most important thing you can do for your daughters well-being is ditch the iPad. Ask any occupational therapist that is specialised in sensory and they will tell his damaging they are to kids. In young kids they can lead to delayed speech, poor balance , delayed walking, poor coordination..... all because the kids aren't exploring their world and engaging with people and their environment. We have produced a generation of potatoes that don't know how to play or interact with other people. And that is before you even address how addictive the damn things are. Their is a god programme on Netflix at the moment, called the social dilemma and it's very enlightening.

Good luck. I hood you find a way to deal with this

I agree with the posters that say this is fairly typical behaviour for a ten year old. However, it doesn't mean it shouldn't be curbed as necessary - lots of kids would happily live off pop tarts and never eat a solitary vegetable but it doesn't mean it's good for them!

Fat children often become fat adults and it is much harder to shift the weight once you're an adult. Look at all the threads on here!

@HotPatootiebootie

Op some of the treatment you have had on here is shocking.

Your daughter is very likely getting over simulated by watching you tube and is then turning to god not because she is hungry but because the action of chewing is a soothing feedback that brings her back down after the ipad has sent her through the roof. Do some research into sensory diets and what sort of feed back different activities cause and hire we automatically counter act then to keep out balance. Think about a crying be born baby, we all automatically know that rocking the baby will soothe it.... it's not something taught, it's innate. If you don't already have a trampoline in your garden I would really suggest getting one.

But the best, most important thing you can do for your daughters well-being is ditch the iPad. Ask any occupational therapist that is specialised in sensory and they will tell his damaging they are to kids. In young kids they can lead to delayed speech, poor balance , delayed walking, poor coordination..... all because the kids aren't exploring their world and engaging with people and their environment. We have produced a generation of potatoes that don't know how to play or interact with other people. And that is before you even address how addictive the damn things are. Their is a god programme on Netflix at the moment, called the social dilemma and it's very enlightening.

Good luck. I hood you find a way to deal with this

Turning to god 😃

YABVU. She sounds to me like most modern 10 year olds.

If she’s hungry all the time give her bigger meals. I was always snacking at that age- it’s normal - I’m a healthy size 10 with no food issues.

She deserves to be her own person with her own interests; not having your interests foisted on her. Eg - my DH and I don’t like football, but we’ve agreed if DS shows a liking for it when he grows up we’ll take him to a football club and watch matches with him- support her in what she likes - watch some YouTube videos with her, then talk about what you’ve watched and what you liked about it.

Similarly, we’re not in to Hallowe’en (churchgoers) but we won’t want DS being left out, so when he’s older we’ll carve a pumpkin, bob for apples and get some sweets in.

Try talking to her, seeing life from her perspective, and just spending more time with her: if she gets a vibe off you now that you’re always annoyed with her your relationship will falter and you’ll cripple her self esteem.

If you can’t get things back on track I’d strongly advise contacting Relate for advice, and looking in to family therapy.

Should say in addition, limiting screen time is important and limiting it should improve her behaviour.

Everyone still ignoring the fact that the daughter is being bullied at school and at home. 🤷‍♀️

@Feministicon

'Turning to god 😃'

😂😂😂 i laughed at this too.. I'm so immature

Me too 😊

Poor girl is probably lonely, I wiuldn9be surprised if you haven't though over the fact she could be eating away her anxieties over covid as a lot of children and teens have had to seek therapy this year, plus like you said you don't finish work till after dark, she's an only child so will turn to YouTube and video games as entertainment and are you sure you k ow what she's watching? My daughter was depressed and pretty much doing the same as what your daughter is doing so I had to investigate and turns out her favourite YouTuber committed suicide so she was struggling to deal with that to the point she locked her self in and basically had a sort of blank personality and just ate and watched your tube all the time . She's 11 so was referred to cahms and so for she's being doing great and seems a lot happier, it's definitely sounds like a mental health thing rather than laziness and greed.

You sound really really negative about her.
Can you not big up her positive qualities?

You say she ruins every day out. What a truly terrible thing to say.

Why isn't a family outing a good thing?

Sounds like she has screen addiction - get her some help for that.

Lock down has had terrible effects on lots of people's health. My sport billy sons can't do as much sport as they used to. I don't know why she has not picked up on your love of the outdoors?

Also why not just have healthy food at home. Get rid of wrapped food in plastic or packets or processed food. We don't have biscuits etc so my kids reach for fruit or veg.

I don’t have time to read the full thread but I think it’s a bit unfair to call her lazy.

How about getting a wii or exercise mat or even a cross trainer/treadmill/bike for indoors? And rewarding her when she uses it. Get a Fitbit for both of you and set goals, compare your progress etc.

It’s your responsibility to educate her about the risks of being overweight, cook healthy meals, reduce portion sizes. If she helps herself to snacks and junk food either stop buying it or lock it in a cupboard. Restrict her pocket money so she can’t buy sweets and chocolate all the time!

Helpful suggestions:

Join your worlds

Pokemon Go (to get her out and about) catch the critters out and about (each have an account not just her)
Walking gets the game going extra resources to play with !
Being other places adds to the game.

Wii : get the dance games or boxing or tennis and join in with spirit for indoor activity - join in!

Nutrition : consider if low iron or Vit D are making the problem worse consider supplement- research and agree together

Relationship : cook together and clean together make it fun - music on or whatever - this stuff has to be done enjoy it and teach/learn skills for independence (gets off the sofa too)

Sugar: research together recommended for her and the reasons then stick to it - pudding after lunch or tea only can help

Fluids : ensure has appropriate volume of drinks (never ever with sugar). Research together and why is recommended and then do it.

Close the kitchen after tea : the rule is don’t ask for food after tea - help your self from the fruit bowl if really hungry or wait for breakfast

Solitary tv/screens : research how much agree a limit and set the clock by it eg 3.30-5pm daily but that’s it!

Provide non screen challenges : daily sudoku puzzle or dot to dot or times table practice or spelling etc.Not to be done on the sofa!

I think the bullying is a massive issue here that has terrible effects on a child's self esteem, behaviour is communication what is she communicating?

My 11 yr old has a phone and loves gaming and will sometimes twist his face. He talks to his friends online, i suppose thats his socialisation especially in these times. When he gets a video call on a day out we make a joke out of it! "oh has Fred joined us for a walk has he?!" he usually agrees to ring back later. especially after his younger siblings have screeched down the camera showing what leaves theyve found and thoroughly embarrassed him 😂🙈,
maybe take a more lighthearted approach?

My just turned 11yr old dd would love to do. I thing more than stare at her iPad and eat chocolate. I think it’s pretty standard. I let her get away with it to some extent, after school, but kick off if that’s all she wants to do at weekends.
I also have a 12yr old ds who isn’t quite as bad, he has hw, friends and enjoys drawing. I’m hoping that once dd moves into secondary school she will have a more varied outlook!