To be so upset about my lazy, overweight ten year old

[Limeandlemon]

Dd is 10, she’s overweight and obsessed with food. She comes in from school and goes straight to the fridge. She constantly asks for stuff, she sneaks stuff behind my back when I’m in the bath or upstairs.
On days out she constantly asks for food, what’s for lunch even when she’s just had her breakfast. I’m sick of it.
She ruins every day out or walk we ever go on. She moans she doesn’t want to walk, she moans she’s bored, she drags her feet and walks about with her face like thunder.
I’m really outdoorsy, I love being out hill walking, bird watching, going to seaside etc but she holds me back and complains about everything.
We took her away for a nights stay in an air b&b in the Cairngorms, an hour from where we live and she complained that nobody else does this stuff, why can’t we just be normal. Why can’t we celebrate Halloween by sitting in eating sweets and watching movies.
She’s so ungrateful.
She’s obsessed with watching YouTube videos and glued to her iPad. I can’t get her interested in anything else.
She goes horse riding once a week and that’s all I can afford, plus corona virus restrictions mean we can’t sign her up to anything else for now.
I work full time and it’s dark when I finish so can’t take her to the park after school now.
She’s an only child and gets bored easily, no play dates with current restrictions but have had a couple of park meetings when I can with her and her friends but can’t manage more than once a fortnight.
I’m at my wits end with her and I’m not enjoying being a parent just now. I almost feel like I have a weight tied to me holding me back from doing anything that I find enjoyable. I just want to have family days out without screaming arguments.
Anyone in the same boat?

My goodness, poor kid. At her age I was dragged up and down hills and on occasions mountains in all weathers, although I hated it. Nowadays I love hill walking but I get to choose when I do it. That’s the difference. You sound a bit selfish, tbh.

I think you’re getting a hard time, but I totally get it. We have one DC who is a bit like this, but we have made it non negotiable and just ignored all the whinging. It’s taken years (about seven I think!) but now he actually enjoys it. One thing we did do which stopped him complaining a lot was to download the geocaching app and go hunting for geocaches - it gave him a sense of purpose. We now almost never bother with the app and our walks are great fun, but it did take quite a while to get here!

Has she got a Fitbit, or similar?

Could you give the walks a point (from her perspective)? Geocaching or the Treasure Trails walks? I was a reluctant walker as a small child, so Mum got me Eye Spy books- flowers/birds/bugs/trees etc. I think that gave me a lifelong love of nature and the outdoors.

Google healthy snacks to bake/make and get her interested in nutrition. Don’t buy crap!

You're talking about her being overweight as if it has nothing to do with you, OP. Who cooks? Who does the shopping? Who serves the portions? Did she do sport etc when she was younger? Did she ever have good habits with exercise?

As PP have said, it sounds like you dislike her, and she'll absolutely have noticed. You need to check your attitude before you permanently damage your relationship.

Try love bombing. You need to do something to build your bond. Family therapy could help. It isn't OK to be so negative towards your dc.

She sounds like an unhappy girl.

I think your DD has food issues. I have a bulemic dailighter and she has carefully explained to me the many guises eating disorders take. Your DD sounds like she's comfort eating. Why? Is she being bullied?
I hope you don't wear an attitude of constant disappointment around her.

You can make me feel shit for saying I feel like a weight is tied to me but this is making me fucking depressed. Unless I’m stuck in the house then all she does is complain. Nothing is good enough. Fifty quid into the zoo and she makes it a nightmare.

Did you ask her if she wanted to go, though? Children don't appreciate the cost of things so to her it's just another boring day out.

What are her interests? She likes horse-riding - but what else? She must like things that don't involve food and the iPad. We have an outdoors farm near here (Cumbria) where you can see the working farm horses and help to groom them and kit them out - I suspect something like that may appeal more than the zoo?

Figure out what she likes and build your weekends around it. It's not spoiling her - it's appreciating that she's only 10yo and won't want to go on long hikes in the cold. Yes, activity would be great but things are limited with COVID. So if she doesn't enjoy being outdoors, find stuff to do at home inside instead.

@Mistymonday of course she is getting comfort. You make a massive assumption from one post.
What are your suggestions then? We wouldn’t go anywhere if I let her have her own way all the time. It’s important to get her out moving and getting fresh air.
We took her to the zoo for HER, I would rather have went hill walking but we went to a more child friendly place and it still wasn’t good enough.

She’s not interested in crafts or reading, just YouTube and tiktok and games.
She loves playing with friends but I can’t bring a friend every time we need to go anywhere.
You make it sound like I’m a bully but I’m just at my wits end with it all.
Her dad is also at his wits end but he works away from home so doesn’t need to put up with it all the time.

Does she play Pokémon go? An excellent way to get her to walk a bit.

Limit Ipad time/ set times?

Is she looking at a growth spurt - I worried about DD2 around 10 already tall and always hungry - she started getting worried herself about how pody around teh middle she was getting then she grew a foot over the next few months and is really tall and skinny.

More protein - more filling and other filling diet tweaks - whole grains low glycemic index foods might help less junk food in house at all.

More general walking - we don't have a car so walking further to town and shops builds in some exercise.

At 10 I was probably your daughter. I had an outdoorsy family and I hated the day trips. I was lucky in that in those days I could be left at the stables to ‘work for rides’ for a day at a time which helped once I reached 11 or 12. But I was awful and food obsessed ( I still am...) and to be honest once my parents gave up dragging me with them I gained a lot of weight and lost a lot of fitness. School sport turned me off completely too.

My saving grace was joining scouts. Being challenged to do activities by my peers and young leaders was far more motivating than walking or cycling with my parents.

I appreciate that it’s impossible right at this moment with covid, but could your DD join an active guide or scout group ( some units are far more physically active than others. The focus is on social things, having fun and learning skills rather than just keeping fit and its generally the most economical way of doing a whole range of sports.

OP I feel for you.

The above posters for attacking you for ‘judging and being annoyed me at your own DD are arseholes.

You are right to take your child out for healthy out door exercise and the constant moaning by your DD is not acceptable. Being civil and good company is good manners and a life skill.

The obsessive eating is the real issue.

Get rid of all snacks bar fruit and controversially, get rid of the iPad. It does sooo much damage.

Any chance your DD has adhd and need the xo start stimulation of eating food?

Again ignore the posters screaming child abuse you dare want your child to be good company on a walk

Did you ask her if she wanted to go to the zoo op? What would she say if you asked her where she would like to go?

Also, if she likes animals? Can you sign up to ‘borrow my doggie’ or something and she can take a dog for a walk. I know my DCs are 100% more active when we take my SILs dogs out...

@Limeandlemon I know this isn't the point of the thread but please get her off of tiktok. I'm on tiktok but I am older and although the content I see is generally catered towards things I like (in my case, bts), I still see things I don't want to see. People writing about how depressed they are, that they're suicidal, talking about eating disorders, people bullying other people for their weight/looks/disabilities and sexual content too.

Have you tried any fitness games www.techradar.com/uk/news/best-fitness-games-2020 - we resorted to that with our DC in March lockdown.

As a side note, where I’m from horse riding would be one of the more expensive activities.

You could probably get two decent, social activities like a dance class or martial art for the same money you’re spending on one lesson a week.

Why is she not having friends over? Children under 12 are allowed to mix in Scotland.

You sound just like my mother OP. She bullied me in a similar way as you're bullying your daughter, and it has had a profound effect on my life. We have been estranged for many years now and I have no intention of ever being in contact with her again. Why not stop blaming your daughter for everything bad in your life and give her a chance? You could turn this all around if you wanted to.

She is ten years old. You need to get a grip here. Who gave her the iPad? You. So now it’s time to set some boundaries around it.

Having said that, it’s a really difficult time just now, there’s limited choices in what’s available. For now I’d forget about the weight (aside from making sure she’s eating properly and gets her five a day) and focus on fun things you can do together. Loads of places here are doing drive through films, could you take her to one of those? Or a board game night?

@Limeandlemon, I feel so sad for your daughter. If she's a 'spoilt brat' then she is of your making. Things are only going to get worse when she becomes a teen, then there's going to be two resentful, angry people in your house.

I'm not sure there's much to save here in terms of a longterm mum/daughter relationship. She simply does not enjoy the things you do and you don't mention showing any interest in what she likes. However, you can do something about the food issue. You simply must keep treats to a minimum, anything that goes is gone until the next shop. She'll be old enough to be left/move out in a few years, so you can go back to your happy (pretty much) childfree life, and she can enjoy not being a 'burden' to you and find people in her life who love her for who she is.

@vanillandhoney we were on holiday. There was nothing to do but go out for the day. She would rather stay in and play her iPad which of course we can’t do on holiday.
I thought the zoo would have been a good compromise.
She doesn’t want to do anything!
And no there aren’t working horses near us just a riding stables which I can only afford one lesson a week and children can’t help out with current restrictions.
She doesn’t like crafts, puzzles, reading or cooking.
She likes eating, her iPad, roadblox and playing with friends.
She’s not interested in animals, anything outdoorsy unless it’s something like paddle boarding which I can’t afford.
She gets bored of things very quickly

@lyralalala

Why is she not having friends over? Children under 12 are allowed to mix in Scotland.

Not indoors.

Why do people not look at the reasons behind something. Comfort and binge eating is usually to mask feelings