To be so upset about my lazy, overweight ten year old

[Limeandlemon]

Dd is 10, she’s overweight and obsessed with food. She comes in from school and goes straight to the fridge. She constantly asks for stuff, she sneaks stuff behind my back when I’m in the bath or upstairs.
On days out she constantly asks for food, what’s for lunch even when she’s just had her breakfast. I’m sick of it.
She ruins every day out or walk we ever go on. She moans she doesn’t want to walk, she moans she’s bored, she drags her feet and walks about with her face like thunder.
I’m really outdoorsy, I love being out hill walking, bird watching, going to seaside etc but she holds me back and complains about everything.
We took her away for a nights stay in an air b&b in the Cairngorms, an hour from where we live and she complained that nobody else does this stuff, why can’t we just be normal. Why can’t we celebrate Halloween by sitting in eating sweets and watching movies.
She’s so ungrateful.
She’s obsessed with watching YouTube videos and glued to her iPad. I can’t get her interested in anything else.
She goes horse riding once a week and that’s all I can afford, plus corona virus restrictions mean we can’t sign her up to anything else for now.
I work full time and it’s dark when I finish so can’t take her to the park after school now.
She’s an only child and gets bored easily, no play dates with current restrictions but have had a couple of park meetings when I can with her and her friends but can’t manage more than once a fortnight.
I’m at my wits end with her and I’m not enjoying being a parent just now. I almost feel like I have a weight tied to me holding me back from doing anything that I find enjoyable. I just want to have family days out without screaming arguments.
Anyone in the same boat?

Our DC used to complain when we took them to NT places.

I remember complaining when my mum took me...

Maybe you could sit and watch The Social Dilemma on Netflix together?

At least she gets taken to stately homes, though.

It is frustrating when a tween is rude or ungrateful on a walk or outing. It sounds as though the two of you need to find some common ground with each other and build up the positive feeling again between you. She may be feeling annoyed)disconnected/disliked by you. I'd still go for walks etc (ignore the winging - it will pass the more frequently you do it) but spend some time with her doing what she wants to as well. I've watched YouTube videos and had goes on video games - because they are what my dc is interested in. I'll sit down to watch some Deep-fried Jelly or god knows who and then find dc explaining why they like it etc which I do find interesting. We also find stuff to watch together. Find things to compliment her on 'i really enjoyed that walk - thanks for coming' or ' you worked really hard on that picture' etc etc. Find activities to do together that you can both be interested in together (from pokemon go/to going shopping together/baking) Basically build your connection first as it sounds as though you're in a bit of a negative rut. I'd also have a look at Peaceful Parenting, it has great tips for building connection (aha parenting).

She's not interested in other things because she has free access to an iPad. Take it away and leave out some craft items, books, and colouring items, and she'll be forced to entertain herself.

What about Pokemon go? That way she can still have her screen time but exercise at the same time, or if you can find one, a Wii & Wii Fit.

It seems clear from your other thread that she is likely suffering from depression and anxiety.

When I'm depressed I don't want to do anything either. You need to tackle the cause of the problem, not the symptoms.

Bless her, you say how lovely and kind she is on the other thread - don't lose sight of those qualities in your frustration about the current state of play.

Get the current version of wii fit
Stop buying crap

What about posting the meals she does eat. Quite often there's not enough protein and too much carbs.

@Orangeblossom7777

Why do people not look at the reasons behind something. Comfort and binge eating is usually to mask feelings

Totally. And restricting her food and treats will only make it worse.

@queenofknives

At least she gets taken to stately homes, though.

Where has she said she hates her daughter?

To be fair I think the disdain op has for her child is evident in every sentence she wrote about her.

Even when loving parents are angry they tend to say/write at least something positive however small.

Overeating to the point of being overweight doesn’t tend to just happen. That poor kid is in an environment where her parents aren’t parenting her. Otherwise she wouldn’t be able to overeat and she wouldn’t even have an iPad or it’s use would be controlled.

OMG
I can’t believe the amount of vicious attacks on the OP!!

The poor woman has come on asking for advise as she doesn’t know how to handle the issues with her daughter.

At no point does it read that OP doesn’t like her DD!!

I can see it being very easy if I work send full time with my DH working away to give in and let my dad have the iPad.

Also I think when there is an inky child especially DD, the Mum and DD will clash and argue more as it gets intense.

OP you are the parent, take the iPad away.
Limit the eating
Get your DD outdoors for walks.

@PhilSwagielka frankly your comment is disgusting. How dare you.
I love my daughter and actually I want her to be the best version of HERSELF but I’m feeling so low and fed up because she doesn’t want to do anything and anything outdoors is a massive slog because of all the moaning and I’m fed up. We as parents all go through hard and low points. I would never come on a thread and say something so disgusting to someone.
I don’t want her to be a clone of me, she isn’t me. I want her to find something she loves and embrace it but she’s spiralling down an unhealthy road and her attitude stinks to boot. It’s nothing to do with me wanting her to be my clone.
I shouldn’t be justifying myself to you but your comment is frankly vile.

You don’t like her much do you?

@jennie0412, I doubt very much the op hates her daughter. However, it will be very clear to that little girl her mother resents her, wishes she was someone else. That has a huge, damaging effect and some of it may already be irreparable. The op is reading like someone who wants to 'fix' their daughter into an idealistic version, rather than accept that person will probably never exis. They have to find a way of accepting the daughter they have, and parent her better.

Stop buying unhealthy food

Also set her a strict screen time per day. Fairly sure there's an app for it.

And after that you are allowed to let her be bored.

I'd draw up a list of fun things and write them on the fridge. If she chooses not to do any of them that's up to her. Some children need to learn how to stop being bored

The poor woman has come on asking for advise as she doesn’t know how to handle the issues with her daughter.

Her daughter is ten years old. Ten.

She isn’t in control of what she eats, she doesn’t do the weekly shop.

She shouldn’t be in control of her iPad use at all.

The op is moaning about a situation she had brought about entirely by poor parenting. And being pretty cruel about her dd to boot.

@Limeandlemon

I think you may want to get this thread deleted for your own mental health.

Clearly many of these posters are on crack tonight...

My mother was always annoyed with me for not being what she wanted me to be - basically someone who reflected well on her. She was ashamed of my weight also- even now before she comes to visit I cut out all the tags in my clothes as she loks to see what size I am. I am 46 with a long history of eating disorders

I moved continents partly to get away from her.

anyway I have DSs aged 9 and 11. They are obsessed with roblox and devices. Preetyt normal at this age I think especially with lockdown meaning it is the only way they can interact with friends.

I was like your daughter, though for me it was books (no iPads back then). I'd sit and read all day long and my parents had to come up with 'creative' solutions to get me out of the house. I just wasn't interested.

In addition, during one period of time around 10y of age I had food issues as well, this was when I was going through something very difficult and wasn't communicating about it. I became obsessed with sweets and would eat them while reading in my room. It sounds to me like your little girl is very unhappy about something. If I were you, I'd focus on that. Try to help her open up. Forcing her into activities she doesn't enjoy won't help.

Once you discover what is the real trouble, you'll have a fighting chance to both - secure a healthier life-style for your DD and to preserve your relationship with her. I don't think that your current approach will bring anything but heartache and disappointment to both of you.

You seem to make some excuses about why you can’t do things - when you get back from work it’s dark so you can’t go out. Streetlights?? Failing that, head torches?? Or maybe take the opportunity to look at constellations if there’s limited lighting where you are.
What are her interests and how can you engage with them?
In terms of the food, be a parent! Say no, don’t stock junk food in the house etc

I think you are getting a really hard time OP. An overweight ten yr old obsessed by food is not a good thing for her. Her teenage years will not be enjoyable if this continues . (I say this as an overweight teen back then) .. but pick your battles. Control the things you can.

No more junk food in the house. No biscuits, sweets, cakes or general crap. If she is hungry after school look up healthy things she can make with your help.

She's typically into tech. You can't shut that door it's here to stay. So work with it. Get her into healthy cooking. Get her to the point where she can cook a supper. And praise it. Give her a sense of achievement. Food obsession comes from low self esteem and boredom. Try different activities, until you hit on something she enjoys and then encourage it...

Then send me an invite to join you in the Cairngorms. I would LOVE IT ! (but she won't - however pandering to all your child's wants is a hiding to nowhere. Sometimes they just have to suck it up. My dad used to take us walking in the lakes.. 'hated it' ... but you know what, I didn't hate it that much because I took mine year after year... who also 'hated it' and now take my GC... they don't hate it, they just hate the thought of missing out on something they think would be more fun.

She's not interested in other things because she has free access to an iPad

Yes, I think this doesn't help. My DC moaned and whined in a shop last week for the first time "I want to go home, Im bored"

I realised straight away that it was because I said she can go on the tablet after shopping.

I won't be making that mistake again, she is usually so good.

Can you spend a weekend where you just focus on her and what she wants to do? If that's watching shit in an iPad, do it. I feel like she's crying out for love and security (hence the eating).