To be so upset about my lazy, overweight ten year old

[Limeandlemon]

Dd is 10, she’s overweight and obsessed with food. She comes in from school and goes straight to the fridge. She constantly asks for stuff, she sneaks stuff behind my back when I’m in the bath or upstairs.
On days out she constantly asks for food, what’s for lunch even when she’s just had her breakfast. I’m sick of it.
She ruins every day out or walk we ever go on. She moans she doesn’t want to walk, she moans she’s bored, she drags her feet and walks about with her face like thunder.
I’m really outdoorsy, I love being out hill walking, bird watching, going to seaside etc but she holds me back and complains about everything.
We took her away for a nights stay in an air b&b in the Cairngorms, an hour from where we live and she complained that nobody else does this stuff, why can’t we just be normal. Why can’t we celebrate Halloween by sitting in eating sweets and watching movies.
She’s so ungrateful.
She’s obsessed with watching YouTube videos and glued to her iPad. I can’t get her interested in anything else.
She goes horse riding once a week and that’s all I can afford, plus corona virus restrictions mean we can’t sign her up to anything else for now.
I work full time and it’s dark when I finish so can’t take her to the park after school now.
She’s an only child and gets bored easily, no play dates with current restrictions but have had a couple of park meetings when I can with her and her friends but can’t manage more than once a fortnight.
I’m at my wits end with her and I’m not enjoying being a parent just now. I almost feel like I have a weight tied to me holding me back from doing anything that I find enjoyable. I just want to have family days out without screaming arguments.
Anyone in the same boat?

No I wouldn't suggest letting her stay on her iPad all the time. SpeccyLime gave some good advice upthread. Limit the iPad time, you choose an activity one week, she chooses the next etc.

I think this would annoy me too (mine are you get but niece is similar and she is driving my sister in law mad as well, ruining family days out and only interested in her phone). I think she’s still so young and you should a) stop buying ‘treat’ foods - assuming that’s what she’s obsessing about? - ie chocolate, biscuits, sweets etc and b) restrict time on iPad and especially monitor what she’s watching on YouTube.
It sounds like she needs to develop an interest away from YouTube and iPad. Apart from being outdoorsy what else could you do together? Could you make ipadding at weekends something she gets only if she goes out for a walk/cycle or whatever? How about using YouTube for good eg we just used it to learn to knit. Could you learn something with your dd? Or do a workout together perhaps?

It’s difficult if you have a child with food issues, one of mine would sneak anything at that age - hot chocolate powder or dry oats, for example. But I still liked her personality. It sounds like you don’t like her much at the minute and are rubbing each other up the wrong way. What about trying to have fun together with nothing physical or device-led, play board games, start a sewing project together. One of my teen daughters absolutely loves Dungeons And Dragons and I’ve spent many evening being a barbarian dwarf with her haha. The other loves craft things and we’ll often curl up together colouring in or designing Project Runway dresses. Neither are my type of activity but they are great for the daughters I have. Covid restrictions are limiting access to physical activities so yes that age onwards loan about walks etc especially this time of year - I’m afraid you just have to grit your teeth and it does get better. I have lovely daughters back again now, though one at sixteen is heavier than I would like for her. She’s fit now though and chooses to mountain cycle, wild-swimming etc all physical things she tried to avoid as a pre-pubescent.

Random mess you can't go "carb cold turkey" on a still growing child .

You can cut out sugar though and focus on lower glycaemic index/slower release carbs - like whole grains etc, avoid unrefined white carbs.

You need to find someone she enjoys...ok, maybe shes not outdoorsy or sporty, but what about arts and crafts, reading, puzzles, board games, cookery. Lots of people eat out of boredom.

We couldn’t celebrate Halloween as in trick or treating that’s why we went away. She still did Halloween crafts, had sweets but have to limit them as she’s overweight. We still had a pumpkin.
We took her to the zoo when we were away and she just asked for food and dragged her feet.
I don’t know what to do because nothing is good enough for her and I don’t want to pander too much as she’s behaving like a spoilt brat.
You can make me feel shit for saying I feel like a weight is tied to me but this is making me fucking depressed. Unless I’m stuck in the house then all she does is complain. Nothing is good enough. Fifty quid into the zoo and she makes it a nightmare.

I used to be exactly like this. I don't have much advice, I don't know what would have helped me but you've got a ton of helpful responses Just thought I'd give you some consolation though, that I'm now a normal weight and while I'm still very introverted, I'm no longer reliant on iPad's/phones, whereas when I was 10 I was exactly like your dd, on my iPad 24/7! When I went to secondary school it all changed as friends and freedom was more interesting than youtube

Is she being bullied, OP? (Haven't read your other thread.)

How far into puberty is she? It can be brutal for some DC.

Do you both have support from anyone or anywhere?

I’d bin the iPad quite honestly. Maybe she’ll switch it for something just as sedentary eg reading, telly, complaining but they’re not AS addictive. The iPad will be giving her a whole other world that her head will be stuck in.

Is she seeking comfort from food because isn’t getting it any where else?

Could she have inattentive adhd? Addictive personality, perceived ‘laziness’? How are her executive function abilities?

Poor kid, I feel for her tbh. Is her father more understanding? Hope so.

@formerbabe I’ve tried all that and she just moans it’s boring and toddles off to her iPad again. Tried to get her cooking dinner with me and she just zones out. Not interested.

Go's just let her get on with it. You're going to enjoy the teen years

I'd build in time off the iPad each day. A short walk, a wander round the park, anything really. Planning hikes in the outdoors sound awful if it's not your bag and it's clearly not hers

Although I can understand your frustration about her not enjoying 'fun' activities like the zoo etc. and whinging when there, I really hope your DD doesn't pick up on your attitude towards her. The way you describe her on this thread- and I know it's a rant- is just so angry at her.

I think you need to look into why she is sneaking food- that is a massive red flag for disordered eating. Is it anxiety? Is it rebellion because you restrict certain foods too much or she feels you do? I don't recommend you respond to this secret eating by shaming her or by restricting other food groups in the meals you cook for her. The insta account kids.eat.in.color has some good advice in posts about children 'sneaking' food- usually junk- behind parents' backs.

Someone else has mentioned you posted previously about bullying your DD suffered at school causing anxiety and tics and this could be playing a part in her eating habits- comfort eating, low self esteem, self shame- horrible, horrible cycle. I know cos I was there from 11 upwards.

My parents loved fishing. I sunburn easily and get sea sick in minutes of being on a boat. That never stopped them from dragging me fishing because that was how they enjoyed spending their time,

Don’t be like my parents

Find something your child enjoys. Maybe she would like to go to the shore and watch tide pools. Maybe she would enjoy geocaching, maybe she would like to play mini golf, or go rock climbing, or do yoga. Maybe she would like to sit outside sketching and enjoying a picnic. Dragging someone up a hill just because you enjoy that activity is not ok.

Your poor DD. You can’t expect her to be grateful for being dragged on activities and trips she doesn’t enjoy. You seem absolutely selfish only doing things that YOU enjoy. There is nothing wrong with someone wanting to stay at home instead of going out into the countryside or to a depressing zoo. You can’t afford more horse riding, but you apparently can afford to go on holiday for Halloween and spend £50 going to a zoo.
Maybe ask your DD what she’d enjoy? Stop assuming she will like what you like and forcing her to go along.

Take the iPad away? Don't buy junk? I get that it's tedious at times and hard to do when you feel depressed but you need to find a way to connect x

If she’s overweight that’s down to you. You’ve just described your daughter as a weight tied to you holding you back from what you enjoy. Poor kid has probably realised you don’t like her.

From where I’m standing I see plenty families spend time outdoors doing things with minimal fuss

At the risk of stating the bleedin' obvious, you're highly unlikely to see the ones who prefer having relaxing days at home.

Did you think having a 10 year old was supposed to free you up to do your own activities?

How about focussing on your child instead of complaining about her? She'll know how you feel, you know. She's just in the way, isn't she. There's nothing like being disapproved of by the most important person in your life as a motivator to open the fridge.

Also, I think you're getting a hard time on here. Yes, your post comes across as blunt, but I know how my mum felt after years of me having a full blown tantrum if i couldn't eat the food I wanted to! It wears you down and after years of a little person screaming when they don't get exactly what they want, I don't think you're unreasonable for feeling pissed off.

Children come with their own personalities of course, but this is also shaped by you.
If she is overweight, this is because you have let her eat too much of the wrong foods. At 10 you are now going to have a massive battle on your hands getting her to change her eating and tech habits.
It’s not too late and it can be done, but you need to be consistent and very firm. If she has had a good filling breakfast (not crap like croissants or sugary cereal) I mean porridge, eggs, protein etc then snacks until lunch are healthy ones. Fruit, raw veg, nuts or more protein (hard boiled eggs, fish, cooked chicken)
She will moan, she will cry, sulk, scream even. Any what? You are the parent. You buy the food. No mean no and no matter what she does, these are the rules.
Her stomach will shrink as she looses weight and she won’t feel so hungry all the time. All the while she is overweight she has a greater and greater appetite, it’s a vicious circle. Lose weight, adjust and change the types of food she is eating and do it now. A life time of health problems await her if you don’t act as her parent.
As for the tech, my 3 (similar ages to your DD) have approx 1 hour a day on tech. It’s around 4 or 5 pm usually after a day out whilst I’m having a cup of tea or cooking. That’s it. That’s the rule. Devices need to be shut away until then. Why can’t you do that? Then she will learn that it’s no good asking for them earlier, it’s going to be no, later. If she keeps asking, then I’m afraid she looses them for that day.
You need to massively toughen up.
So many kids I see don’t want to go out and why??? Because they want to be at home with their tech! It’s tragic.
Once she knows there is no tech, she may be more interested in coming out with you.
Find snacks that are healthy she enjoys and take them out with you.
Entice her with a small naughty treat at the end of a long walk if needs be

This is the daughter who is being bullied?

Unfortunately being an only child in the middle of restrictions is going to be extra shit for her.

You don’t seem to be making any allowances for that. And if she’s depressed from being bullied in school, and feeling like she’s not good enough at home, she’s not going to want to be skipping up hills or around the zoo is she?

I feel like this might be me in a couple of years with both my kids (8&6).

I think it's a modern phenomenon caused by addiction to sugar and screens. When I was a kid I also hated being dragged out in the fresh air by my parents, but I did it, because a) there wasn't much else to do at home (no laptops, tablets etc) and b) what my parents said was what we did, no arguments!

We also did plenty of kid friendly things too, but exercise and fresh air regularly was non negotiable in my family. I wasn't ever overweight or depressed when I lived at home because the bare minimum of care from parents is that they provide a healthy lifestyle - whether the kids like it or not.

Now as an adult I have adopted many of those healthy habits myself - once I emerged from my moody lazy teenager phase!

Hang in there OP, it's for her benefit in the long run

How about you focus on tryIng to make her happy instead of focusing on how bloody miserable she makes you? It’s all about you, what you want to do, how you think she should be. What about her? If she’s constantly eating it’s probably about seeking comfort and security. Anyway if she’s only 10 what she eats is down to you. You need to refocus.

I seriously don't know why people give children iPads. My niece is 11 and does not have one, neither do any of her friends. They do not have any devices of their own. It's not obligatory for children to be given their own devices. They are addictive.