(bride) AIBU to be really hurt by this?

[onedayillbeamillionairemaybe]

Sisters wedding is narrowed down to 15 people.

I am MOH.

It was in December and has now be delayed a couple of months.

She has just announced a new date for end of Feb and I am away on that date on a non-refundable very expensive trip, I booked with a friend. I haven't been away in 4 years.

I don't know what to do.

I am 100% certain all family will expect me to be there. I wouldn't want to miss it but if I lost all that money I had saved up for a holiday I would be very resentful.

I also font think my friend (who I would have to let down) would be the most please and would feel betrayed

Absolutely No decision needed at this point in time.

The sister knows the issue but changed the subject... she may end up moving the date again. It may not be possible to still hold the wedding, numbers may be severely limited. Btw, did she ask ANYONE if the new date was suitable? Didn’t she ask your parents either!

The holiday probably will get cancelled unless there is one almighty change in how things are wrt Cv19, but you won’t get a penny back or have any options if you cancel now. So wait.

So do nowt. Don’t panic

Wait and see.

Can you afford to pay your friend back? Or can your sister?

That's the only way you should even consider canceling on her.

Your DS probably didn’t have much choice when planning the date of her wedding. I know I didn’t. You aren’t the most important person at the wedding and I doubt very much your sister wants to be worrying about whether you do or don’t have a holiday booked. The choice is yours really either go on holiday or go to your DS’s wedding, but don’t make your holiday your DS’s problem. She probably has enough on her plate at the moment and I know that from experience of having to postpone a wedding and uninvited friends/family.

Sister should have checked with u first. Surely you ask your nearest and dearest if you have to change dates.

It's all in how you frame it.
Tell her first what dates you CAN make.
Then, you could tell her if she can't get date for the wedding when you're available, you will selflessly, heroically, give up your role as MoH (much as it will grieve you to miss it) so that she can pick someone else & isn't deprived of having one, or of having the wedding when it suits her.
Best to avoid burning the bridge if you can, esp since your holiday may be cancelled d/t covid anyway.

I missed my BF's wedding and went on the holiday. The world didn't implode. Of course, we may still have lockdown restrictions in place then so holiday might not happen...

If my sister replied in the way yours did I would be inclined to NOT cancel the holiday.

YANBU. Call your DS (don't text) and say you are really sorry but you have a very very expensive nonrefundable trip booked and it is literally the only date in the world you absolutely cannot do and would she consider another date?

Honesty is the best policy and TBH, the way things are going she won't be getting married in February either: my friend is due to be married in March and has already been informed that it will need to be rearranged.

You probably won't be going on your trip either.

The bride will have just been panicking, not thought and rebooked in haste.
No chance your family could intervene ? I doubt ,sadly ,you’ll be going anywhere anyways at this rate.
My bestie and my cousin both rebooked weddings for when my baby is due and I’ll not be attending either with a newborn in amongst all this.No doubt noses will be out of joint..
I will say, DH bestie left for a years travelling , with the promise he’d return for his best mans duties, and missed the wedding by three weeks in the end. All still friends- but I won’t be prioritising his wedding ...

Have you had another conversation with your sister, yet?

Go on your holiday. It’s not fair on your friend otherwise, plus you’d lose the money. The way things are going though, both may not happen.

Go on holiday.

@onedayillbeamillionairemaybe

she knew I had a holiday planned but maybe not the specific dates.

I have now told her that I have a holiday planned for the date and she has said 'thats a problem' and then changed the subject

In that case I would take the holiday, if she really appreciated your predicament and could not do without you presence, even now she could investigate moving it to a different date that you could make. If that cannot be done then it's a tough choice for both of you,. IMO that would be the first step. She if loving the date is a possibility.

Go on the holiday.

I think it would be absolutely dreadful to pull out of a 4 year planned holiday with a friend because of this.

It's unfortunate but there is no way you should back out of a plan made 4 years ago.

The loss of the money.
Your friends loss too.

Spell it out to your sister that unfortunately there is no way you can drop your friend 3 months before you go on a holiday that has been in the planning for 4 years.

It's unfortunate but it is what is.

Holiday. It’s her fault she didn’t check the dates and she’s trying to make it your problem by changing the subject when you mentioned it. I’d reiterate that you’re away over those dates and you can’t cancel/get a refund/let friend down. I’d never expect my sister to lose four years of saving because I forgot to ask if she was free – that would be my balls up to fix.

My sister gets married 1st week in December. I found out last week from somebody else and I'm not invited 🤷🏻‍♀️

Are you in the UK? Are all weddings now not allowed?

Will you be able to go on your holiday? We had rebooked a holiday, that we were due to start 23 March this year, for middle of February 2021. Don't think it will go ahead as the country we are due to visit is closed. Hang on as, if the company cancels your holiday, you will get a refund. If you cancel you loose any deposit already paid.

Oh wow OP, what a tough position yo have been put in!
When you say non-refundable, can your holiday be moved? This would involve coordinating with your friend and probably inconveniencing her so not great.
Can your DSis move her wedding date? How fixes is this? Such an oversight not to check with the wedding party before choosing a new date!
If it comes to it, I sold stick with my commitment to my friend and choose the holiday as that was booked n those dates first. Tough one. Good luck OP!

@onedayillbeamillionairemaybe This is a tricky one.

On the one hand, it seems harsh to let your friend down, but on the other hand, this is very close family. I am sure that your sister hasn't done this on purpose, but then again, she seems very dismissive of your issue.

I know a few people who have not gone to a siblings wedding, and chosen a holiday or a mate's party, or something, and the relationship with the sibling never recovered.

In addition, several people I know still have a bee in their bonnet about the fact their brother or sister didn't attend their wedding, which was 25 to 30 years ago. It can leave a permanent rift in a family relationship.

So the ball is in your court really. If you care about/love your sister, and you have a decent relationship, you should choose her and her wedding over your friend. If you are indifferent towards her, and don't give a shit about your relationship with her, then pick your friend instead.

Friends come and go, family is forever. Whether we like it or not. And as I said, if you ditch your sister, expect it to never be dropped by your family, that you let your sister down. I am not saying you will be letting her down, but it will be seen by your family, that you let your sister down.

It's your call.

That said, it's looking more and more likely that your really expensive non-refundable holiday that you've been saving for, for 4 years, may not go ahead anyway, with the way things are going in the world right now.

Holiday holiday holiday

If you are MOH she should have checked dates with you and rest of bridal party before announcing it as definite. She's been inconsiderate. I should say you can go ahead and go on holiday but unfortunately I think there's quite a high change we'll be in lockdown number three in Feb for a couple of weeks around the half term.

What I said LAST February was this:

• they're going to have to close schools in March and do a proper lockdown for months
• people should be wearing facemasks in shops asap but no-one will bother until they're made to, probably summer
• lockdown will end over summer
• virus will appear not too bad over summer
• schools will reopen in Sept
• cases will start to rise again, everyone will dither through October then have a full lockdown in Nov
• schools will finish for xmas early this year to help with the lockdown
• lockdown will end shortly before Christmas, prob 23 Dec, so we can have some kind of small family celebrations and feel grateful to King Boris
• schools will return in early Jan, cases will soar in Feb,
• another short (2wk?) lockdown in Feb or early March, probably to coincide with the Feb half term.
• virus cases will diminish in Spring and be negligible over summer
• a questionable vaccine will be rolled out in mid 2021, most people won't take it
• third wave in autumn 2021 but not as bad as 2020.

Seems on track so far. Hope I'm wrong. I'm no expert, this was based on reading a bunch of papers about previous pandemics / guesswork.

Take your holiday.

Hope this doesn’t come across as insensitive, it’s just another perspective.
I missed my DB’s wedding. I had just moved overseas and couldn’t even afford to fly home at that point. Anyway, the guilt ate at me for years until they got divorced. At that point I realised it was their day and whether I was there or not made no difference really. My DB couldn’t even remember my absence but he remembers me being there for him when he got divorced.

If I was the bride I'd tell you to go on your holiday and enjoy it. I'd never expect you to lose a pile of money and drop and friend in the poo because of my wedding.