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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

(bride) AIBU to be really hurt by this?

217 replies

onedayillbeamillionairemaybe · 31/10/2020 13:05

Sisters wedding is narrowed down to 15 people.

I am MOH.

It was in December and has now be delayed a couple of months.

She has just announced a new date for end of Feb and I am away on that date on a non-refundable very expensive trip, I booked with a friend. I haven't been away in 4 years.

I don't know what to do.

I am 100% certain all family will expect me to be there. I wouldn't want to miss it but if I lost all that money I had saved up for a holiday I would be very resentful.

I also font think my friend (who I would have to let down) would be the most please and would feel betrayed

OP posts:
stovetopespresso · 31/10/2020 15:23

@Aquamarine1029

I’m shocked by the responses on here, for a parenting website people really don’t seem to value family relationships.

The op's sister should have thought about family relationships, shouldn't she?

the sister's not on here, op is.
WiddlinDiddlin · 31/10/2020 15:24

Surely if you move a date without asking if everyone vital can make it, you accept that folk might not be available.

Or does she think her wedding is the ONLY event anyone is attending, ever?

OP tell her it is booked paid for and non-refundable and if she wants you there she will need to arrange that with you for dates you can do, and not just assume.

As for the smug 'should have got insurance' person... I'll give you a bloody prize if you can find holiday insurance that covers 'my sisters wedding clashes with this, gimme my money back so I can avoid pissing her off'....

GabsAlot · 31/10/2020 15:25

who the hell doesnt check first my sister asked me both times if date was ok and i wasnt even moh on the second one

you have to say again well its a problem as i cant get a refund you really should have asked me

Original poster
onedayillbeamillionairemaybe · 31/10/2020 15:28

@BessMarvin would I be obligated to pay back my friend? I hadn't even thought of that.

I have saved 4 years for this holiday and there is no way I could afford to do that without borrowing.

Thank you @YoniAndGuy

OP posts:
Mittens030869 · 31/10/2020 15:31

I would stick with the holiday, as it’s non-refundable and you obviously won’t want to let your friend down. Your DSis can change the date again if she really wants you to be her MOH.

I had to change the date of my wedding back in 2003, because my DSis (who was my MOH as well) because she had a pre-booked holiday.

I think there’s a good chance neither will go ahead, though, with Covid rates on the rise.

SundayReilly · 31/10/2020 15:31

Go on your hols.
She should have checked.
Its hardly the royal wedding
Everyone is making compromises
You need a holiday.

Nordman · 31/10/2020 15:35

If you were my sister I would tell you to go on the holiday, I'd be upset not to have you at my wedding of course, but I would understand the situation.

DeciduousPerennial · 31/10/2020 15:35

[quote onedayillbeamillionairemaybe]@BessMarvin would I be obligated to pay back my friend? I hadn't even thought of that.

I have saved 4 years for this holiday and there is no way I could afford to do that without borrowing.

Thank you @YoniAndGuy[/quote]
Or your sister covers the costs of the cancelled holiday for both of you......

CheetasOnFajitas · 31/10/2020 15:35

@onedayillbeamillionairemaybe

thank you for all your input, now I am even more confused!
Have you ring her yet to make sure she knows holiday is booked and paid for?
naptimeismyhappytime · 31/10/2020 15:36

@pinkyredrose

If your trip was so expensive why didn't you take out insurance? A lesson learned i guess.
Ah yes the insurance policy that covers cancellation due to date clash with sisters wedding! Everyone should take this insurance cover for every trip planned!
Screamnastic · 31/10/2020 15:38

Depends. I might partly or fully reimburse the friend. Depends on why a nonrefundable holiday was booked. It is likely to be cancelled anyway.

If is was not prepared to change a holiday I would have told my sibling the dates I was unavailable.

My dbro has rebooked his wedding three times and it looks like he will need to change the date again. For the last change he was told the date the registrar would be free and had little choice beyond within a few weeks. They selected the latest date not to clash with another family wedding. I don't think either will go ahead as planned.

I imagine there will be a maximum limit. I'm my case my dbro is having an issue just picking 15 people. I will do as he pleases. If he invites me and not the rest of my family, I'm there. If he would rather have one of his best friends instead, we will celebrate when we are able. I didn't do the big traditional wedding but can imagine how hard it is to have your wedding plans slashed and dashed because of COVID.

BessMarvin · 31/10/2020 15:38

[quote onedayillbeamillionairemaybe]@BessMarvin would I be obligated to pay back my friend? I hadn't even thought of that.

I have saved 4 years for this holiday and there is no way I could afford to do that without borrowing.

Thank you @YoniAndGuy[/quote]
I guess it would depend on the situation. If you could swap with someone else she would go with that would be ok. But is she really going to be happy just losing the money if that's not possible and you go to the wedding instead?

bananasplice · 31/10/2020 15:40

See to me 'planned' means thinking about it, you need to make sure that they realise that it is actually booked.
Also if she can move the wedding date make sure it is at least two weeks after, just in case you have to quarantine!

Jaxhog · 31/10/2020 15:40

YANBU.

If it was that important to your DS that you were there, she should have checked. Take your holiday.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 31/10/2020 15:42

OP this is a communication issue, both you and your DS have messed up.

You knew she was going to reschedule: you should have been absolutely clear immediately that everything was flexible apart from these very specific dates. You should have been clear with her that this booking was non-refundable, that it is all confirmed, and that another person relies on this too.

She should have checked dates with you before booking—but I have sympathy for her as there was no doubt a lot of panic and a lot of people rescheduling, she would have been pleased to get anything.

You need to speak to her ASAP and be really straightforward— the “holiday planned” line you said before is NOT the situation. The situation is that it is BOOKED, PAID, NONREFUNDABLE and if you cancelled you would also have to pay back a friend. Which you do not have the money to do. Don’t delay, she may well be about to put further money into a venue, etc and if you tell her the true situation in a week it may make it irreversible, and it may still be solveabke now. If she makes a big effort I’m sure she could manage to get the venue deposit refunded, as so many others are looking to book.

Keratinsmooth · 31/10/2020 15:42

Are you sure that you can’t change your trip? I’ve changed our family holiday a week before with no admin fee, everyone seems more flexible at the moment

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 31/10/2020 15:45

And YABU for talking about this in such a bloody circular way!! She clearly doesn’t know the actual situation, tell her before she puts more money into it. 90% she wants you there and doesn’t even understand the situation, 90% she can do something about it now, even if it comes with a little cost (if I were her and it meant losing a £500 deposit to have a sister there, I would do it immediately—however I would absolutely murder her if she let me book thousands of pounds worth of other stuff, before then revealing the situation)

ReneeRol · 31/10/2020 15:46

I'd stick with the holiday. Your sister didn't bother finding out if you were free on the date despite knowing you had a holiday planned for around that time and she doesn't seem the slightest bit concerned for how she's putting you out.

If she wants you there, she can change the date. If she doesn't, she can get someone else to replace you.

This isn't worth losing out on a holiday you've saved four years for and it's not worth losing a friend over.

Jimdandy · 31/10/2020 15:47

If I was your friend I would be really pissed off if you let me down. You made the arrangement with me first. Your sister should have checked.

LittleSF · 31/10/2020 15:53

What a nightmare situation! One thing you really need to check out is if you are down as one of her official witnesses at the wedding or not - our bridesmaid and best man were also our witnesses and signed the register (obviously depends on where you’re located) and they couldn’t have been switched out at the last minute. So if that’s the case you’ll need to sort it out one way or another sooner rather than later.

I really feel for you - I’m sure you’re going to be put under such pressure from your family. But unless they can refund you AND your friend to go another date then they really shouldn’t.

EdersonsSmileyTattoo · 31/10/2020 15:55

Go on your holiday. Your DSis was very silly not to check that all the guests she wanted at her wedding were available on that date.

One of my siblings booked their second wedding a few years back for while DH, DS & I would have been on an already paid for, very expensive and much needed holiday, they had a monument tantrum, slagged us off to anyone who would listen etc. But we stuck to our guns and went on holiday.

ImMoana · 31/10/2020 15:55

Another vote for the Holiday.
Tell your sister the holiday can’t be changed and ask her to move her new date.

If she does, great, if she doesn’t, that’s her choice not to have you there.

ApplePlumPie · 31/10/2020 15:57

Anyone can be witnesses -it doesn’t need to be set people.

Wetweekend99 · 31/10/2020 15:57

Go on holiday. My husbands sister didn't come to ours as she was studying!

I'm of the opinion that what ever was booked first should be the thing honored.

Nostrings457 · 31/10/2020 15:58

She really should have checked availability of her nearest and searest rather than presume everyone can attend. On the other hand, I really feel for anyone having to change wedding plans - all thst build up to one of the biggest days of your life and it cant go ahead as planned.

I dont think there is a right or wrong in this situation. The wedding and/or holiday could be cancelled. Maybe play it by ear as much as possible but Id opt for the holiday given this could have been avoided if she checked dates with you first.