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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

(bride) AIBU to be really hurt by this?

217 replies

onedayillbeamillionairemaybe · 31/10/2020 13:05

Sisters wedding is narrowed down to 15 people.

I am MOH.

It was in December and has now be delayed a couple of months.

She has just announced a new date for end of Feb and I am away on that date on a non-refundable very expensive trip, I booked with a friend. I haven't been away in 4 years.

I don't know what to do.

I am 100% certain all family will expect me to be there. I wouldn't want to miss it but if I lost all that money I had saved up for a holiday I would be very resentful.

I also font think my friend (who I would have to let down) would be the most please and would feel betrayed

OP posts:
Piwlyfbicsly · 31/10/2020 14:41

Your on plans* sorry, so many mistakes

MzHz · 31/10/2020 14:42

Don’t panic, don’t do anything at all

Your sister knows that you’re booked and it’s paid for so unless you’re unable to go and it gets refunded, you’re going because otherwise both you and your friend will lose a lot of money

She could shift the date again.

In any event I’d suggest that you step down as MOH so that either someone else can do it, or it won’t be too critical if you’re not there.

Nope, she’s not going to like it, but she knew that you had some plans then abs didn’t bother to ask or check before committing to a rescheduled date.

Bluebell9 · 31/10/2020 14:43

I planned a small short notice wedding, but I made sure all the people I wanted their were free before deciding on a date.
Is the wedding date booked or could it be moved?

MzHz · 31/10/2020 14:44

I’d also say to her that her getting married is the thing of key importance, and this year has shown more than anything to do what you need to do when you have the chance.

Nanny0gg · 31/10/2020 14:44

@pinkyredrose

If your trip was so expensive why didn't you take out insurance? A lesson learned i guess.
How would that help the friend?
coffeelover3 · 31/10/2020 14:46

if there are only 15 people going to the wedding would she not have checked if everyone was available? if it were me I'd tell her again and explain that it was booked ages ago and cant be changed so youre very sorry but.... I think she's being unreasonable

Genevieva · 31/10/2020 14:51

Go on the trip. You have a prior commitment with a friend.

Screamnastic · 31/10/2020 14:52

I would go to my sister's wedding over a holiday. 1000%.

I don't think you'll be able to go on holiday. When did you book it and why is it nonrefundable?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 31/10/2020 14:54

Go on holiday.

I'm planning my wedding and have asked all important friends/family members for dates they can/can't do.

She should have asked, especially considering it's only 15.

IWantT0BreakFree · 31/10/2020 14:54

I'd go on the trip. You and your friend stand to lose a lot of money otherwise, and like you say it could affect your friendship (which is obviously a close one if you're taking a trip together).

It's not solely your responsibility to make sure you're at your sister's wedding. She bears some responsibility too and she should have checked you were available, especially given you are MOH and she knows you had a trip booked. If it were that important to her that you were at her wedding she would be asking you about dates, looking for alternatives, doing SOMETHING. But she's not. She said "that's a problem" and then changed the subject.

Tell her you can't make that date, sorry but it's too much money for both you and your friend to lose and you can't let your friend down. If she says "but you'll let me down though?" (bit wanky, but a likely retort) then just say "no, I am not letting you down. You changed the date, I haven't changed anything". Tell her that if it's important to her that you're there she can look at alternative wedding dates but if not then you'll understand.

Don't be made to feel guilty. She changed things, not you.

Original poster
onedayillbeamillionairemaybe · 31/10/2020 14:56

thank you for all your input, now I am even more confused!

OP posts:
BessMarvin · 31/10/2020 14:59

@Screamnastic

I would go to my sister's wedding over a holiday. 1000%.

I don't think you'll be able to go on holiday. When did you book it and why is it nonrefundable?

Would you also be reimbursing the friend?
forrestgreen · 31/10/2020 15:00

Choose the holiday
But hold on reserve the fact that's it's probably going to be cancelled. So you'll be fine.
How would you feel about stepping down from moh duties either way, then it's not so catastrophic if you're not there.

But tbh your sister should be rearranging

BessMarvin · 31/10/2020 15:00

Cannot believe she didn't check the date with only 15 people and you being moh

jessstan1 · 31/10/2020 15:03

@Veterinari

You need to tell her clearly that you have a non-refundable holiday booked not just 'planned'
Yes!

It's possible that your sister will have to cancel her wedding again; I don't want to sound pessimistic but who knows? That could also happen to your holiday.

Everything is so uncertain at the moment.

You're in a no win situation and I sympathise. I'd go with your holiday at the moment.

ApolloandDaphne · 31/10/2020 15:03

The way things are going I doubt you will be going on your February holiday so I expect you will manage the wedding.

Murmurur · 31/10/2020 15:04

It's unfortunate but these are strange times. She probably hasn't had much choice over dates herself. The problem is covid madness, not your holiday. Make sure covid gets the blame and neither of you take offence at each other's very reasonable choices in these difficult times. It's completely reasonable for you to go on your holiday, and it's completely reasonable for her to have to take a date that unfortunately not everyone can make.

hulahooper2 · 31/10/2020 15:06

And do you really think your holiday will go ahead ?

KiposWonderbeasts · 31/10/2020 15:09

[quote Whatsonmymindgrapes]@KiposWonderbeasts

The bride wasn’t aware of the dates the op has said.[/quote]
The bride was aware OP had a holiday booked sometime around then and didn’t bother to check.

She’s the one changing dates, it’s up to her to ensure the wedding party are available for new dates.

YoniAndGuy · 31/10/2020 15:10

You shouldn't be confused!

The really obvious thing is that she just shifts the date again! Why is that an issue - she's just done it once, it's just happened, people won't have booked and planned around that date yet. It's the easiest thing in the world for her to quickly say 'Oops, no can do, sorry folks, make that two weeks later' (basically first date after that that venues etc can do).

You tell her you CANNOT do that date. You're not just losing a load of money and a holiday, you'd be letting down a friend... all so that sis doesn't have to adjust an already-adjusted date one more time?

Just no. If your sis is even slightly reasonable she will see that. If she isn't - then frankly I would not put her before myself and my friend in this situation.

Changethetoner · 31/10/2020 15:11

It's unfortunate, but as she's re-arranged the date, your sister will need to accept that it might not suit everyone. I'd go on the holiday.

SoupDragon · 31/10/2020 15:16

I have now told her that I have a holiday planned for the date and she has said 'thats a problem' and then changed the subject

Did you specifically say it was booked, paid for and non refundable because "planned" doesn't mean that at all.

There's nothing wrong with her response - she's not gone off on a rant or anything or even did whose problem it is, just that it is a problem. Which it is,

ErniesGhostlyGoldtops · 31/10/2020 15:16

I would say nothing further for now. If her wedding is cancelled again things change. Your trip might not be possible.

If it's AOK and both are on I would go on holiday and when I got home say, "What? I told you I had a holiday booked!" I'm probably projecting though as I wouldn't go to anything my sister was at apart from her funeral. In fact not even.

finished31 · 31/10/2020 15:17

What would she do OP if the shoe was on the other foot?

My gut is go on your holiday.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2020 15:21

I wouldn't be confused, I'd be supremely pissed off. Outrageous enough that she didn't consult with her sister about changing the date, but with you being MOH makes it even more egregious. Your sister is beyond inconsiderate.

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