(bride) AIBU to be really hurt by this?

[onedayillbeamillionairemaybe]

Sisters wedding is narrowed down to 15 people.

I am MOH.

It was in December and has now be delayed a couple of months.

She has just announced a new date for end of Feb and I am away on that date on a non-refundable very expensive trip, I booked with a friend. I haven't been away in 4 years.

I don't know what to do.

I am 100% certain all family will expect me to be there. I wouldn't want to miss it but if I lost all that money I had saved up for a holiday I would be very resentful.

I also font think my friend (who I would have to let down) would be the most please and would feel betrayed

I’ve changed our family holiday a week before with no admin fee, everyone seems more flexible at the moment

Very few flight companies are overly flexible ime.

There’s no way I’d cancel a very expensive holiday to be a maid of honour. Weddings are one of things that is very important to the bride and groom but generally for the guests they’re a money pit of a day.
It may well be that your holiday doesn’t go ahead given the whole covid situation, but if I were in your situation, my sister would have to suck it up and manage without me for the wedding.

But is she in a different financial situation? Because you have spent years of your life saving for this, you will lose all that money and you will need to repay your friend.

Someone else's wedding shouldnt cost you a few thousand pounds.

Have you actually sent your sister a message explaining the costs involved, what you will lose and what your friend will lose?

if it was reversed she would cancel her holiday without a doubt

Would she be willing to refund you AND your friend for any costs incurred from cancelling or moving your holiday?

The friend definitely can't be expected to have to lose out financially due to your sister's inconsideration. She also shouldn't be expected to just go alone in order for her financial loss to be reduced.

But you probably won't be able to go on holiday, and she will be able to have a small wedding. Why not just wait and see if it's actually an issue?

At what point in the holiday is the wedding? Any chance of moving it or coming home early for the wedding?

It may no go ahead so don't burn bridges, but YANBU to be fed up.

*not

I think I'd have been a bit more definite about this. Just said something about being so disappointed, but not able to go because holiday with friend is already booked and paid for. She should have checked, she knows you've got a holiday sometime around that time.

I would normally say that family comes first, but if you have something booked that you have saved for a long time, then your sister should not book her wedding for the same time. The onus is on her to change the date to one when you are free , in this case.

You need to talk to your sister and say that you are very sorry, you would love to be there, but you will be on this long awaited holiday (hopefully, covid permitting).

She has created the problem , not you, and she is the one who can solve it.

As you only pay the balance of holidays 6-8 weeks ahead I assume it is only deposits you are losing at present? Is that not the case? Has the holiday company said you can't amend the dates?

Have a well-deserved holiday OP. Your sister should have checked the date with you all. Tell her you'll be at her next wedding.

Not a chance of a holiday in Feb I would say.

Holiday.

When I booked my wedding I made sure the people I wanted/needed to be there could make the date.

I'd make it very clear to her though that you cannot cancel at this late stage.

It is a problem. It's her problem.

Have I missed what your parents/other family say?

@noideaatallreally

Not a chance of a holiday in Feb I would say.

But she has to assume that it WILL go ahead because she will lose 4 years of savings otherwise

At the moment, the holiday still stands.

Her sister could not rearrange the date

Sorry, could rearrange the date

If it was my sister I'd move heaven and earth to go to her wedding- but we're close enough that she absolutely would've consulted with me and key family members before booking a wedding, particularly when it's not really that long from now.

Team holiday here too especially after the response. None of my family or DHs family set dates without making sure key family members were available. Apart from my Dad, who arranged his wedding for the same weekend as my due date and then didn’t care when we said there was a good chance we wouldn’t make it!

Personally I wouldn’t bring it up again, you’ve told your sister it’s up to her now if she wants to do anything about it.

Don’t make this your friend’s problem by suggesting rescheduling/flying home early and leaving her there. That’s unfair and will spoil her holiday.

Either cancel and reimburse your friend fully, or make it clear to your sister that you won’t be attending the wedding unless the holiday company cancels.

You need to tell your sister again and ask her to find a new date. Did she know you were going away in Feb, the winter? She should have checked. If only 12 other guests then it’s nit a huge thing to move unless you can move your holiday date??

You definitely shouldn’t cancel your holiday that you’ve been saving for 4 years. Also not fair on your friend.

Tell the rest of the family ASAP that you can’t make that date.

if the Family refund you the 4K then you can attend the Wedding but there's no way I'd be chucking 4K away 😱

I would stick with the holiday plan - if your sister won't change the wedding date then she doesn't have you there. She should have checked with family first.

I'm of the opinion that what ever was booked first should be the thing honored.

These are the manners I was brought up with too. I'm quite surprised by any suggestion that it's okay to mess people about like this, in what amounts to treating with contempt a friendship that's close enough to voluntarily travel and spend significant time with that person, and to penalise them financially into the bargain. Especially when all the sister had to do was ask, rather than coming along later in the day and automatically assuming her wants take priority. This isn't the way I'd ever treat a friend. It's the most basic of courtesy that first commitment takes precedence, and nothing short of the terminal illness of a loved one could convince me to do otherwise.

I'm sure those who are thinking this is a-okay would be the first to be outraged if a friend of theirs pulled such a stunt on them. As indeed they'd have every right to be.

i dont think either will go ahead. however the decision you make now will last forever unfortunately. someone will be let down (your sister or your friend). in this situation i feel you should tell your sister no. it was her choice to change her date to this one, not yours. you already have plans. you saved for years and, i presume, so did your friend. if i cancelled on a friend and essentially left them alone for a holiday i would expect to reimburse them for their holiday.

Your sister’s wedding shouldn’t cost you 4 years of saving and a friendship.