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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

(bride) AIBU to be really hurt by this?

217 replies

onedayillbeamillionairemaybe · 31/10/2020 13:05

Sisters wedding is narrowed down to 15 people.

I am MOH.

It was in December and has now be delayed a couple of months.

She has just announced a new date for end of Feb and I am away on that date on a non-refundable very expensive trip, I booked with a friend. I haven't been away in 4 years.

I don't know what to do.

I am 100% certain all family will expect me to be there. I wouldn't want to miss it but if I lost all that money I had saved up for a holiday I would be very resentful.

I also font think my friend (who I would have to let down) would be the most please and would feel betrayed

OP posts:
Screamnastic · 31/10/2020 15:58

@Keratinsmooth

Are you sure that you can’t change your trip? I’ve changed our family holiday a week before with no admin fee, everyone seems more flexible at the moment
Me too. I have rebooked hotel rooms every time wedding dates are changed.

Obviously we have a different family dynamic. Not sure anyone would feel really hurt or betrayed over something a simple conversation can sort out.

Love51 · 31/10/2020 16:02

It was your sister's error, so not ok for you and holiday friend to fall out or be out of pocket. Either sister can change the date, or she can't, in which case you can't go. You don't grovel, it wasn't your error. If she changes it, obviously be incredibly gracious!

littlefireseverywhere · 31/10/2020 16:06

You booked the holiday, she changed the date. It's a no brainer! She'll get over it or change the date again.

Meepmeeep · 31/10/2020 16:10

Where is this holiday to? Every chance you might not be able to travel.

sorryforswearing · 31/10/2020 16:14

Can’t imagine why, when she knew you had a holiday booked she didn’t check what dates you weren’t available. Personally under the circumstances I’d chose the holiday but I wouldn’t be happy with my sister and I wouldn’t be taking any flack. Actually I think either or both could be cancelled but you have to assume they won’t be.

Helloitsme2020 · 31/10/2020 16:15

Wow, I was not expecting to see this response here.

The people lashing out saying stuff like "brides think the world should revolve around their wedding" etc, are very harsh in my opinion. Her sister has had to reschedule her wedding, and no doubt have to come to the realisation that the day she does have will be very different to the original plan. I don't imagine she was in the right head space to ask every important family member their schedule for the next year or so.

I do think as her sister and MOH, OP should have been there, helping her through rescheduling and therefore letting her know the date she couldn't do, before it was planned. This could just a massive communication error.

I personally wouldn't miss my sisters wedding for the world, not a chance. No holiday, expensive or not, would take that experience away from me. Those saying "a weddings only an hour anyway!", that's not the point. The point is being there for your sister on one of the most important, and happiest day of her life. Well, so I think anyway. But each to their own. If I was the friend in this situation i wouldn't for a second expect you to still be going on the holiday with me. I honestly think if I was on holiday, and I knew my sister was getting married back home I wouldn't be able to relax. So might be best for think about how you'd feel while away, if it'll ruin the trip there's no point is there. But if you're happy to let it go and enjoy yourself, then so be it.

this is from someone who found out her brother had booked his wedding for a time when i would be on holiday in Asia. The thought of missing the wedding made me feel so upset, the holiday instantly didn't matter. I didn't give a toss about it when it came to it. And before this I'd been desperately looking forward to the holiday, and same as you, it was an extravagant holiday that really would have been once in a lifetime. But I saved up once, so I can do it again.

It's a crappy situation, it really is and I'm sorry you're in this position! But this entire year has just been a run of crappy situations and difficult decisions for people, just got to do what's right for you and then live with it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2020 16:21

I would perhaps check if you can change the trip. Once confirmed you can’t, you can then tell your dsis. I would go with something along the lines of you are ever so sorry, unfortunately you have tried and failed to change the holiday. It is non transferable and non refundable. You have paid x amount and owe your dfirend y amount if you cancel and you would need to get into debt to refund her. You cannot contemplate missing her wedding. However, you don’t see how you can. Ie make it her problem.

SecretSpAD · 31/10/2020 16:21

I’m shocked by the responses on here, for a parenting website people really don’t seem to value family relationships

It's because it's a wedding so the bride is obviously always unreasonable, even if she had little choice in the date change and is probably stressed as hell, upset and disappointed. But hey, she's a bride so must be wrong.

flaviaritt · 31/10/2020 16:44

I personally wouldn't miss my sisters wedding for the world, not a chance. No holiday, expensive or not, would take that experience away from me.

Which is as it ought to be!

burnoutbabe · 31/10/2020 16:47

So other posters are happy to just throw thousands away (and annoy your friend/have to pay her share too) on missing the holiday?
I'd not have money to just waste like that.

flaviaritt · 31/10/2020 16:51

I wouldn’t be happy at all. But if my sister had changed the date as an oversight rather than being inconsiderate (just ignoring it) I would probably miss the holiday to see my sister get married.

flaviaritt · 31/10/2020 16:52

And ultimately you wouldn’t be wasting more money. You just wouldn’t be getting what you had already paid for.

JeezLouisePlease · 31/10/2020 16:55

@onedayillbeamillionairemaybe you’ve made a huge financial commitment to your friend re the holiday. Saved for years too as she may well have done also. To cancel on her would be awful, and in my opinion, immoral of you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/10/2020 16:55

@flaviaritt
And what about reimbursing the friend, who will also lose her holiday. Or should she just suck it up and go alone?

pussycatinboots · 31/10/2020 16:58

OP, go on holiday.
Tell your DSis that you'll be her MOH at her next wedding.
😉

Rafflesway · 31/10/2020 17:02

@Jaxhog

YANBU.

If it was that important to your DS that you were there, she should have checked. Take your holiday.

This with massive great clanging bells on! 🔔🔔🔔

Sorry but your post regarding your sister's response when you told her would have cemented the decision for me.

Will you have WiFi where you can watch a live stream perhaps?

Rafflesway · 31/10/2020 17:03

@pussycatinboots

OP, go on holiday. Tell your DSis that you'll be her MOH at her next wedding. 😉
😂😂😂
DryRoastPeanut · 31/10/2020 17:03

I agree with op. You had your trip booked and paid for, tell your sister you will not be attending. It’s a shame but worse to lose your non refundable holiday. Have a wonderful break.

fluffiphlox · 31/10/2020 17:07

I dont think you’ll have to make a choice as I dont think you’ll be going anywhere.

ShadyBansheeThing · 31/10/2020 17:08

Not read whole thread, but I'm for the holiday OP. She should have checked with you. If you're important enough that you have to be at the wedding, then you're important enough to consult about dates surely. Yes it's very unfortunate, but could have been avoided and I don't see why you should lose money and upset a friend.

But then I'm not a "blood is thicker than water" type of person, and have a dysfunctional family which is probably what made me that way! I know it's different for some people.

Also, either the wedding or the holiday or both, could end up not happening or having to move for reasons beyond your control, in the current climate.

flaviaritt · 31/10/2020 17:11

And what about reimbursing the friend, who will also lose her holiday. Or should she just suck it up and go alone?

Maybe that needs to be discussed, yes.

monkeymonkey2010 · 31/10/2020 17:14

I have saved 4 years for this holiday and there is no way I could afford to do that without borrowing

and yet your sister doesn't give a shit about any of this or your feelings she has said 'thats a problem' and then changed the subject

Your sister is able to change her, now much smaller, wedding by a week or so at least to make an accommodation for you, her sister and MOH.........but her attitude is completely self absorbed and selfish.

I'd ask her if she can change her wedding date given your already booked and paid for holiday is non-changeable, you will lose a lot of money AND it would create bad energy in your friendship.

If she can't/won't......i'd pick the holiday.
Her 'special' event isn't any more important than yours.

Aragog · 31/10/2020 17:16

If your trip was so expensive why didn't you take out insurance?

How would insurance help in this situation?
Insurance doesn't cover you for cancelling because you choose not to go! A sister's wedding would not be under any of the claimable categories.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 31/10/2020 17:17

Of course you need to pay back your friend unless she can find someone to go with her who would be willing to pay to change the name on the reservations, but that can be as expensive as the flights themselves.

If you cancel, be prepared to pay your friend back for what she will lose.

Original poster
onedayillbeamillionairemaybe · 31/10/2020 17:17

if it was reversed she would cancel her holiday without a doubt

OP posts:
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