To ask DP to look after DD (at school/after school club) while I provide live in care for DM over next few weeks?

[HarveysPJs]

DP has a demanding job and is concerned that school run will take two hours out of his day. Also concerned about impact on DD if I’m away for a few weeks. DM needs 2 months of care following major surgery.

DM is 2 hours drive away, so I will not see DD or DP over this time.

If dp is dd's father not unreasonable at all. If not a bigger discussion needed

What is he suggesting as an alternative?

Can DM not move in with you?

He's her father, and as such, he has a responsibility to look after her.
It's up to him to make it work with his employer, NOT up to you to find an alternative.
It's only for a finite period of time, so he simply needs to talk to his employer and sort it out.

DP is DD’s father. He works til 9pm most evenings, is stressed at work - I am SAHM and usually do all childcare/housework/organising.

What’s the alternative for your DM?

Yes, I think that your DD’s father should be able to manage for a temporary period - with extra before school or after school care if necessary- for a while.

Two months would be too long, though.

Why does he think the school run will take 2 hours a day? How far away do you live and when does he usually start work?

How old is DD, is she your DP's daughter? Would DP job be at risk?
Can you book breakfast / after school club for all or some of the days instead?
Will your daughter cope with not seeing you for 2 months?
Can your Dm move to yours instead?

DM has had major surgery - her hospital/medication etc is all here and we have no space at our house.

It doesn't really sound practical for you to provide live in care for your mother for several weeks, unfortunately.

He can take parental leave from his demanding job if need be... Fathers have to step up and talk to their employers about caring responsibilities. It’s not OK - even with a SAHP - to pretend none of it is up to him, ever.

How long is a few weeks? And how old is your dd?

If your mum needs the support, then your dh will just have to suck things up. Many years ago, my dad had to care for me and my dsis when my grandmother was dying and my mum went away - I'm sure it was hard but he coped because he had to. However, it will be hard for your dd if she is very young.

It isn't ideal, but if there is nobody else to care for your mum, what's the alternative? What does your DH think should happen?

Who else can help your DM when you need to go home? Because 2 months is unrealistic.

Was it planned surgery or unexpected? If planned, what was the after-care plan?

DD is 9, I am concerned about the impact on her

Oh sorry, I missed the bit about 2 months.

Take DD with you and get support from school?

Has he known you’re planning to be away for 2 months? What discussions have you had about it?

What would your mum do if you couldn’t go?

It’s impossible for anyone else to say, as we don’t know the specifics of your dh’s work. Realistically it sounds as if he could be working 6 hours a day less than usual if he has to be home for Afterschool care. Can you pay a live in nurse and visit for 3 days a week to make it easier on your dh’s and dp. Or squeeze her in to your house?

Ok, so dd is 9. Same age as I was when my mum spent 6 weeks away from us with her dying mum. Same set up, DM was a sahm and DF had a really demanding job. I won't pretend it was easy being without my mum for that time (especially as she missed my birthday), but it was ok - 9 is old enough to understand and there was no lasting damage done.

If he works until 9pm who will be looking after your DD?

Can carers help your DM? 2 months living with your DM doesn’t seem realistic, 2 weeks maybe but not 2 months

Assuming that you're in the UK, I would be most reluctant to leave my child during a pandemic. Her dad will be having to work all the time, even when she's home, (and I'll give him a pass on that, as I would a mother in the same position, given how insecure people's jobs are at the moment). This is an anxious time for everyone, and a 9 year old without her mum, would find this really tough.

If your mother didn't have offspring, what would the hospital be doing about her post-surgery care? There would have to be an alternative, surely?

He should be able to do some of this for sure. He should want to support you as you support him

Not sure I would sign up to 2 months away without seeing my family at all though. Do you have other siblings or relatives who can step up? Is this all getting put on you as the daughter and SAHM?

She will surely get a care package from the hospital so you don't have to be there 24-7 for 2 months.

Is there a compromise option of looking after your mum for, say, 4 weeks?

I guess I would kind of think 2 weeks definitely would do, 4 weeks maybe, more than that really too big an ask when you have your own family.

What does your mum think? Mine would not let me leave my family for her for so long. She'd feel guilty. I suspect she'd rather go for respite in a care home than make one of her kids do full time care for 2 months.