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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DP to look after DD (at school/after school club) while I provide live in care for DM over next few weeks?

308 replies

HarveysPJs · 31/10/2020 09:43

DP has a demanding job and is concerned that school run will take two hours out of his day. Also concerned about impact on DD if I’m away for a few weeks. DM needs 2 months of care following major surgery.

OP posts:
ivfbeenbusy · 31/10/2020 10:49

your ‘D’ P sounds like an arse

Why? The DD is 9 - assume no financial reason why the OP can't work and contribute to the household financially and ease the burden and pressure on her DH.

Now she wants to disappear for 2 months to look after her mother and people think his employer will just allow him 2 months off in the middle of a pandemic when everyone has half an eye on the redundancy announcements and dole queue?!

OPs only stress is her mothers situation - her DH on the other hand has the stress of taking on everything else whilst she's away as well as a "challenging and demanding" job (OPs words) that's already causing her DH a large mount of stress (also OPs words)

saraclara · 31/10/2020 10:49

@missbipolar

Your "d" h is charming. He doesn't get to opt out of parenting.
The couple's lifestyle is built on a certain system. OP's DH took/has this job because of the decision they made that makes it practicable. It relies on OP being a SAHM.

Now it may or may not be that his work can accommodate him taking the time off, but I do know people for whom taking 2 hours out of their already ridiculously long day, would risk losing their job.

We don't know what his employer is like, so at this point I'm prepared to empathise with his concern. If he's the sole earner, losing his job because OP isn't around, would be disastrous.

Mellonsprite · 31/10/2020 10:50

Alexa I took it to be his usual working hours?

It’s one thing just being there in the house from 6-9pm whilst working, but another actually being ‘present’ and able to attend to her needs as well as just being in the same house.

rainbowstardrops · 31/10/2020 10:51

I personally think it's too much to ask for two months. Two weeks maybe but not two months!
I'd be looking into ways to move your mum in with you somehow. DD could sleep in your room if you don't have a spare room etc.
That would be better for everyone in my opinion.

AlexaShutUp · 31/10/2020 10:54

@AlexaShutUp the OP hasn't said he does any overtime. It could easily be his normal working hours, working until 9.

Ok, so if that's the case, they would obviously need to arrange evening childcare, but that wasn't the impression that I had from the OP - my reading was that he has a stressful and demanding role and works late into the evening in order to stay on top of it.

If he does work an evening shift, that would at least make the morning school run easier, but childcare would be needed for the evenings when he is working.

hatgirl · 31/10/2020 11:02

Your mum needs an assessment from adult social care. She will most likely be able for reablement services on discharge from hospital.

What you are suggesting is unrealistic even if you lived close by.

Why does the care of your mum take priority over the care of your daughter?

There's a halfway house here, you provide some of the care when you are able to and proper paid care can do the rest.

You can't just abandon your life for 2 months when there are other options and no hospital discharge co-ordination in the land would expect you to.

Cocomarine · 31/10/2020 11:05

Two months?!!!
That’s ridiculous.
He doesn’t work long hours allowing you to be a SAHM to your 9yo so that you can go away for two whole months! That’s a decision that you’ve reached as a family either to support his hours, or because you both want a SAHP to an older child, or whatever other reason - but that reason I bet was never so you could leave your child for 2 months.

Nonsense to there not being room for your mother at yours. Child on good temporary bed in your room, or your lounge - mum can have their room. Or mum in lounge. There’ll be a way, and even if that way is a pain in the arse, it’s less of a pain in the arse than leaving your husband and child for 2 months.

I hate to drag global pandemics into every thread, but - you have a 9yo. How confident are you of getting through 2 months with no isolation required for them?

Two weeks and I’d expect him to pull together for you. Two months is ridiculous.

runninguphills · 31/10/2020 11:05

I think YABU. I understand that your house is too small to have DM stay. However, leaving your dd and dh for 2 months sounds much more extreme than that squeezing dm into your house.

You've had a system where dh works crazy hours so that you can stay at home. I think if he had to give up his job to look after a relative, leaving you at home with no money for 2 months would just be as bad as what you'll be doing to him.

Move dd into your room for 2 months and have dm stay at yours. Unless there's a reason apart from the limited room that you cannot have her stay.

I think YABU

user1493494961 · 31/10/2020 11:06

I think two months is too long to leave your DD. I would tell your Mum you can go for the first two weeks to get her over the operation, in any event, she should have a care package in place, what if you were unable to go at all?

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 31/10/2020 11:06

This sounds odd, are you in the UK? I dont quite believe a hospital here would discharge someone still needing 2 months of live in care. If you worked out of the home and were not available to do this, the hospital could not possibly discharge her?

Hellomoonstar · 31/10/2020 11:06

I would dm in, give her your dd room. Let your dd either bunk with you or sleep in the living room.

If your house has stairs, then I would give dm the living room for the two months. I would put the sofa into storage and get a single ottoman bed there.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/10/2020 11:06

[quote Mushypeasandchipstogo]@AnneLovesGilbert Yes I do think he is an arse as he is making the OP’s life even more stressful. If he can’t help out it should be him who should be organising the childcare if he is unwilling/ unable to do it himself.[/quote]
Oh give over.

When posters come on here to talk about their dh/dp going away for a few days and the hassle it will cause, the response is always that the person going away should sort out what situation they are forcing by leaving.

Sometimes posters on this board just automatically go for the anti-man angle.

Hellomoonstar · 31/10/2020 11:07

*move dm in

Darkestseasonofall · 31/10/2020 11:07

I couldn't absmet myself for 2 months from my family home without it being hugely detrimental to the dc.
I'm not a SAHM but have a part time job. DP has a "big job" which is facilitated by me doing the lions share of home / kids.
His employers certainly wouldn't support him doing minimal hours for 2 months, 2 weeks maybe if I was desperately ill or suchlike, but for a pre planned incident absolutely no way.
I don't think your being fair to anyone here. You can either find a way to move your Mam in, or split the caring responsibilities with family or paid help.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 31/10/2020 11:07

Agree you need to bring your DM to you.my grandmother had an operation when I was around 12, and we brought her to live at our house for 5 weeks when she needed support.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/10/2020 11:07

@missbipolar

Your "d" h is charming. He doesn't get to opt out of parenting.
I think you will find that it's the OP opting out for two months.
missbipolar · 31/10/2020 11:10

The dh has opted out of 9 years of parenting by never being around. He can suck it up for 2 months. He'd have to if the op left him or got a job that wasn't school hours

LannieDuck · 31/10/2020 11:10

Consider if there are any alternative care arrangements for your mum - surely the hospital should be putting something in place for her? Maybe you can go to hers for a few days each week to ensure she's ok and re-stock the house?

If there really isn't any alternative to you being at your Mum's for 2 months, DP will have to speak to his work and make some temporary arrangements. Maybe he can work PT hours temporarily, or use a few days of his A/L spread over each week to cover after-school hours, or he may have to take parental leave. The family finances may take a hit, but it should be possible to find a solution that suits his employer.

Waveysnail · 31/10/2020 11:11

OP your being so kind. Any chance afterschool care could be arranged for dd to take load off. Is there any reason that dp and dd couldn't drive down and stay every weekend?

Cocomarine · 31/10/2020 11:13

You put a little more detail in your unanswered post on Relationships.

So there’s also an 18 month old. The fuck would I want you taking my toddler away from me for 2 months at that age!

And you have a brother and sister, currently helping, but who both work. Are they both M-F? Is your husband? I’d be pissed off if my partner did all the care - I’d want the siblings to step up and preferably on my working days, so my partner was home for our child on those.

You also haven’t mentioned on this thread that a further operation after Xmas will lead to the same lengthy care needs. So are you asking your husband and daughter to manage without you then, too? You need a much better solution.

NerrSnerr · 31/10/2020 11:13

The dh has opted out of 9 years of parenting by never being around.

Or you can look at it the other way. He's worked hard so the OP hasn't needed a job for 9 years!!

AlexaShutUp · 31/10/2020 11:14

The dh has opted out of 9 years of parenting by never being around. He can suck it up for 2 months.

I think that's really unfair. He hasn't opted out at all, he has been working to support his family. I presume that it was a joint decision for the OP to be a sahm and for him to be the breadwinner.

That said, I do think it is reasonable to expect him to find a way of supporting the OP to provide the care that her mother needs, if it is logistically possible for him to do so.

ScrapThatThen · 31/10/2020 11:17

It's not at all unreasonable to expect this of your dp. However it's far from an ideal plan for your dd. It might not be fair, but if you are like the majority of families with a sahp, then you are the linchpin and she won't have a secure base without you. Depending on her personality, this family event coupled with another lockdown could cause significant anxiety. Maybe family meeting to talk about how to deal with it and think about less black and white options.

Cocomarine · 31/10/2020 11:17

@missbipolar

The dh has opted out of 9 years of parenting by never being around. He can suck it up for 2 months. He'd have to if the op left him or got a job that wasn't school hours
Nonsense. Nothing here says that he isn’t a present father outside of his long working hours.

It they’d divorced or OP was working then no, her husband still wouldn’t have being two months long parenting stretches with no support.

AlexaShutUp · 31/10/2020 11:19

OK, quite a lot of extra information from cocomarine, which is not insignificant. I can understand your dh not wanting you to take the toddler away with you for such a long period. I do think he has a right to have a say in this.

I also think it's reasonable to expect your siblings to share the load.

And if there will be another similar period after Christmas where you would want to do the same again, I think that would be too much tbh.