To ask DP to look after DD (at school/after school club) while I provide live in care for DM over next few weeks?

[HarveysPJs]

DP has a demanding job and is concerned that school run will take two hours out of his day. Also concerned about impact on DD if I’m away for a few weeks. DM needs 2 months of care following major surgery.

I think not seeing your dd for 2 months is a bit much

All those talking about taking your daughter - it’s Christmas term and she’s 9. It’s their favourite time of year at school - not a term to be sitting in a house with an older sore grandparent.

@nersnerr anyone who isn't a full time child carer has. I have, my staff have - there's nowhere to fucking go. Did you miss that part? I'm allowing my staff to roll their holidays over.

Alone in a house in pain and possibly going to die if someone doesn't get to her in time. Unable to walk or move and get anything for herself and she's selfish. Fucking hell.

But that’s the point, surely - she won’t, under any circumstances, be alone. OP will sort out a carer for her, who is trained to help people in her mother’s circumstances. She will be looked after. But she doesn’t want to do that. She wants OP to do it....which means OP can’t look after her own children.

Your DM wants you to look after her, fine. Realistically the only way is if you bring her to yours. I know you say there is no space, but most people at a pinch can make some space. Her medications can be transported in the car, how odd that they should be an obstacle. You’ll need to drive her for her follow-up appointments. Much easier than leaving your family for 2 months.

Yes the two weeks really sick makes sense. Two weeks of almost full time care (8 days leave for him) and then popping over a few times a week after. Dad can do some extra childcare it won't kill him. Daughter won't miss out apart ftom for those two weeks.

Obviously mums not going to be immobile for 2 months. But for the first week or two she will be helpless I would have thought. Not fair to just leave her to Tesco ready meals.

As for your dh im sorry but no career is this big. I've worked for 30+ years full time in a huge variety of companies and I know exactly how big careers work. No company will say you can't use your leave, you can't be more flexible and if you work shorter hours but still within your contracted hours your job will be at risk.

He just doesn't want to do the scut work. As men don't generally (it's just the same in the workplace). It will be a good opportunity for him to spend time with his daughter and understand how much work goes into running a home.

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl

Selfish? Jesus fucking Christ. Alone in a house in pain and possibly going to die if someone doesn't get to her in time. Unable to walk or move and get anything for herself and she's selfish. Fucking hell.

But your dd thinks her little schoolgirl life might be disrupted and your dh wants to work till late at night and not get away on time or use up any leave or do any childcare.

Give me strength. I hope none of you get old and need your children. Because when they just won't step up you will deserve it because they have seen you treat your own parents that way. Revolting.

OP it's two hours drive. Your husband unless he gets given no leave hasn't been on holidays - none of us have. He can use that to go part time or take days here and there. He can work the hours he needs to not the hours he thinks he wants to. He can be a fucking man. And a father. Not a precious 'it's not my job' wanker. And your daughter can learn that your mother deserves respect and care and you don't just abandon her to ready meals in a microwave (zero fucking nutrition - hardly going to help with her recovery).

You will do more driving. It's life. Ffs.

Are you projecting here? The dh is a 'wanker' and the derogatory comments about the DD 'little schoolgirl life' are rather harsh- it doesn't sound like the dm needs the 24hr care for 8 weeks op is offering x2 occasions- whose idea is it she needs it, yours or hers?

@Tamingofthehamster

All those talking about taking your daughter - it’s Christmas term and she’s 9. It’s their favourite time of year at school - not a term to be sitting in a house with an older sore grandparent.

Precisely.

And MarriedtoDaveGrohl the OPs mum is an adult, capable of making her own decisions and choices she wants for her care after her operation. I highly doubt it is her idea that her daughter and grandchildren uproot their entire lives for 2 months to help her take the bins out.

I'm a hospital discharge social worker, I know what help is available in these situations and it doesn't ever involve taking a 9 year old out of school so their mum can look after a grandparent.

I suspect this is more to do with OPs own anxieties about her mum and perhaps an element of loneliness with a husband who is working until 9 every night.

Seriously - get a carer for at least one visit a day for your mum...
she maynot like it but it is unfair of her to load that ono you and your dh..

how about 3 days a week your dd does breakfast club (if you can get a space) and after school club - you drop and go to your mum and come back to get dd from after school club
2 days she has carers
siblings help at teh weekends a day each??

I wish we had insisted to my mum and teh hospital thi sbefore she left as I got completely knackered and everyone got grumpy and resentful

@hatgirl where did I say anything about taking the child out of school for two months? Nothing to do with me.

Also the assumption that the DM is elderly.... the OP has young children and granny could easily still be working age and only in her 50s/60s.

I asked DP if he could cover DD for 2/3 days a week. He was implying that this would probably be ok, but will put pressure on other people at his work who are already at breaking point.

Selfish? Jesus fucking Christ. Alone in a house in pain and possibly going to die if someone doesn't get to her in time. Unable to walk or move and get anything for herself and she's selfish. Fucking hell.

WTF? None of that appears to be the case. Possibly going to die? Where do you get that from?

She's had a temporary stoma and some bowel removed. We don't know quite why, but OP has given no impression that anything is possibly terminal. And the hospital wouldn't have discharged her if she was likely to die during the recovery period,

Several of us have experience of this op, and unpleasant as it might be for a little while, you're way over-dramatising it.

DM is 75 and very anxious.

I would talk to my daughter’s school, explain the situation, take her out for a period of time (maybe not 2 whole months) and homeschool her while caring for my mum. Schools understand that these aren’t normal times.

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl also have to agree about your perception of being able to take leave /an hour off in morning and afternoon for 2 months! Assuming he’s on ££ the expectation is you drop your life for work. And if you won’t there are plenty of others who will! I’m presuming the OP can’t get a job to replace the income if he loses his job...!

Disagree not agree...

MarriedToDaveGrohl errr here....

But your dd thinks her little schoolgirl life might be disrupted

Which was said right after the discussion others were having about the OPs plan to pull her daughter out of school and home school her at her grandmas house 2 hours away. Not exactly a huge leap?

Assuming he’s on ££ the expectation is you drop your life for work.

Yep, it very much can be. My friend has this sort of job. We planned a trip together, and it nearly had to be cancelled with 12 hours to the flight, because some huge contract was at risk and the owners of the company were freaking out because my friend was the only one (they claimed) who could fix it. He was on his laptop until we boarded the flight and instantly when we disembarked. And for most of the first part of our trip. It was insane. But it could have been worse.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

This sounds odd, are you in the UK? I dont quite believe a hospital here would discharge someone still needing 2 months of live in care. If you worked out of the home and were not available to do this, the hospital could not possibly discharge her?

Don’t you? Clearly you have no experience of having an elderly relative in hospital. They’ve always had a propensity towards it - elderly people here have been known to be put in taxis in the early hours of the morning - but now, when demand for hospital beds is rising every day? I completely believe it.

You seem to have two options @HarveysPJs, either take your daughter with you or organise appropriate childcare for two months. In your shoes not looking after my mum isn’t an option I’d entertain.

Sorry OP, but two months is a huge ask. He's working long hours so that you don't need to, and so that you can stay home and look after your chid. Now you're saying he has to do all that work and 100% of the childcare until Christmas because of your mum. That's just not realistic imo.

Can you spend half the week there and come home, perhaps? So your DH only has to cover 2-3 evenings and you do the rest?

[quote Thisismylife1]@MarriedtoDaveGrohl also have to agree about your perception of being able to take leave /an hour off in morning and afternoon for 2 months! Assuming he’s on ££ the expectation is you drop your life for work. And if you won’t there are plenty of others who will! I’m presuming the OP can’t get a job to replace the income if he loses his job...![/quote]
Oh dear lord. You do realise that in big jobs literally no one gets paid by the hour don't you? And that in many jobs many men work extra hours to avoid family duties and to advance themselves?

And that it's damn nearly impossible to fire someone in these jobs without a protracted disciplinary process and working your normal hours for a month or two instead of extra hours does not count as grounds? Especially not for reasons like this!

@hatgirl I wasn't part of that discussion about taking her out, so don't involve me in it. I didn't even see that part and certainly don't agree with it. Why would you give up all day child care in this situation when you have a husband?

DP is saying that 2 or 3 days is too big an ask. Was thinking I could ask DB to do a couple of days (unreliable) me a couple of days, and leave DM for a few days. Maybe if I say I’ll do Friday and a weekend. Friday is bin/shopping day. DS is 18months - and I would have considered going back to work, but decided I would homeschool due to Covid, and now to help with DM. My SAHM is only seen as temporary.

DP is saying that 2 or 3 days is too big an ask

Looks as if @MarriedtoDaveGrohl has completely got his number.