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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask DP to look after DD (at school/after school club) while I provide live in care for DM over next few weeks?

308 replies

HarveysPJs · 31/10/2020 09:43

DP has a demanding job and is concerned that school run will take two hours out of his day. Also concerned about impact on DD if I’m away for a few weeks. DM needs 2 months of care following major surgery.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 31/10/2020 12:31

It’s whether asking DP to help with DD is too big an ask?
I actually think it's too much to ask if you're daughter.
Daddy will get you to school, get you home, their dinner in front of you and remind you to go to bed but apart from that he's working, I'm away and I'm taking the baby. And it isn't just for a few months now, it'll be after Christmas too

NoSquirrels · 31/10/2020 12:32

You and your siblings being your mother’s support bubble are already exposing her to transmission - you all have children in school, your sister works in a school etc. Realistically a neighbour doing the bins or a cleaner/home help popping in is less risky- your DM can distance from them, they can wear a mask etc.

Original poster

HarveysPJs · 31/10/2020 12:32

I am wondering if bringing DD here is the answer - and to homeschool...

OP posts:

saraclara · 31/10/2020 12:32

Really you only need someone to pop in for an hour or so a day and do anything that DM can't do in the domestic area. There will be agencies that will do that, even during lockdown, and she won't necessarily need to have close contact with them. If she's masked and they are (and N95 masks are now available as the NHS is properly stocked for the next few months, so one of those will actively protect her) she should be fine.

Mellonsprite · 31/10/2020 12:33

To answer your question It’s too big an ask for 2 months. I think a good compromise would be to share between you & siblings for first 3 weeks then re-assess. Yes this would involve them taking time off work, but you are looking at an 8 week disruption for you & DH currently!
Do not fall into the trap of becoming responsible for your DM’s care on your own, I’ve seen this in practice in our wider family and the resentment is awful.

saraclara · 31/10/2020 12:33

I'll add that my DH also had that operation. So I have a fair idea of what she will and won't be able to do.

Sirzy · 31/10/2020 12:34

I don’t think taking her out of school for two months to provide a low level of care is a wise idea.

LittleBearPad · 31/10/2020 12:34

You can deliver shopping, so can your sister and brother. You could arrange cook meals or similar to make life easier

Washing up in the sink doesn’t require bending and if there isn’t much cooking that’s easy enough too. Or get disposable plates.

Bins - a neighbour can do or one of you, sister or brother.

I don’t think moving out for 2 months is fair on your DD or DP. Also does your mother want a toddler to move into her house?

NoSquirrels · 31/10/2020 12:35

Your mum just needs a bit of practical support. You don’t need to panic about this and disrupt absolutely everything. You can put systems in place that are less full-on but will achieve the same thing.

TokenGinger · 31/10/2020 12:42

Two months is too big of an ask when your husband is working. You've made the decision as a family for him to take this job to enable you to be a SAHM, and you can't just opt out of being a SAHM without it having an impact on his work.

Either take DD with you and homeschool or think of another alternative.

From what you say, DM doesn't need constant support.

Couldn't you go on a Monday after school drop off, be back by Tuesday pick up. Again go Wednesday morning, back by Thursday pick up. Then let your DSis/DB work the Friday/weekend between them?

That means DH is only doing Monday PM/Tuesday AM/Wednesday PM/Thursday AM school run.

I'd do that travelling every day for my mother if she needed me to.

Original poster

HarveysPJs · 31/10/2020 12:42

I’m going to chat with DP now - thank you all - I think the answer is a mix of me caring and brother, with DM bring left for maybe a few days. I think I panicked when I read the news this morning.

OP posts:

hatgirl · 31/10/2020 12:44

@HarveysPJs

I am wondering if bringing DD here is the answer - and to homeschool...

You are being ridiculous and I'm actually quite concerned that you are seriously considering depriving your daughter of contact with her school friends and her father as an option when your mum doesn't even need or want the level of support you are trying to foist on her.

Time to be honest with yourself OP, how much of this is really about you and your needs?

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 31/10/2020 12:48

I'm sorry but Covid means everyone has a ton of leave to use up and most of the time it can't be rolled over to next year. Your DH is BU and you need to put your foot down.

In addition being a SAHF will give him some understanding of what you are going through.

Absolutely not fair of him to do this. He's got leave to use it up on this.

Sirzy · 31/10/2020 12:53

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl

I'm sorry but Covid means everyone has a ton of leave to use up and most of the time it can't be rolled over to next year. Your DH is BU and you need to put your foot down.

In addition being a SAHF will give him some understanding of what you are going through.

Absolutely not fair of him to do this. He's got leave to use it up on this.

Where has she said anything about her husband having lots of leave? And even if he did have that wouldn’t be two months worth and most places don’t let you just take it off in one block!

I don’t know how anyone is reading that her husband is being selfish. For a start it doesn’t seem any discussions have actually taken place!

sadwithkiddies · 31/10/2020 13:01

OP I had this surgery....believe me your mother will be weak and will not want your 2 children around.
Order meals to be delivered she can put in the micro...companies can deliver weekly, if too fussy an eater stock the fridge weekly with m&s ready meals & high cal puddings.
Ask a neighbour to put the bins out for the next few months and explain why.
Ask neighbour to phone weekly to check on mum.
Ask neighbour to leave milk on doorstep every 3 days.
Organise a tesco deliver for fruit cereal milk etc.
You & siblings organise a rota for visiting.
Put phone numbers for nurses, neighbours, hospital etc on fridge for your mum in a panic.

This is doable without disrupting your dd life!
You should only need to stay for the first week or two.
You can visit on compassionate grounds throughout covid.

Hope that helps!

IJustWantSomeBees · 31/10/2020 13:02

@ThePlantsitter

I think unless DP is fully on board with sole childcare for 2 months yes it is too big an ask. But I DO think that as part of your family he should be part of the team working on a viable solution for you all.

As an aside, it's all very well for your DM to want to do everything alone but she may have to bend on that. Having you do everything is beither practical nor fair.

This. What you're proposing doesn't sound fair or practical for your DH and DD, but he should be a part of a compromise that allows you to dedicate time to your DM

NataliaOsipova · 31/10/2020 13:20

Two weeks and I’d expect him to pull together for you. Two months is ridiculous.

I’m afraid this is my thinking too. In the nicest possible way, you have to look at this rationally. Your DM could have someone to meet her needs (ie a carer), but she doesn’t want to. But your DH doesn’t want to lose his job. And your DD certainly doesn’t want to be without you for 2 months. So why do your mother’s wants trump those of everyone else, including your children (who - it cab be argued - actually need you for this time). She doesn’t mean to be, I’m sure, but your DM is being pretty selfish with this. Perhaps explaining this - kindly - to her might help, especially if you could go and see her at the weekends?

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 31/10/2020 13:33

I can understand why you panicked.

I'm sorry to hear about your mum's stoma

How old is your Mum?

I think if it was me I'd take DD there with me. I'd talk to the school, to see if there's any remote learning stuff they have available, but if not there's plenty you can do. Reading & story writing etc plus a couple of projects - she'll be fine.

ScrapThatThen · 31/10/2020 13:33

Good luck OP, hope you come up with a good plan. Remember that you can't do it all and everyone will have to pitch in. Hats off to you, you sound very caring.

Orcus · 31/10/2020 13:39

DM would not have a carer and is quite determined to do all herself.

This would not impress me, to be honest. There needs to be some kind of compromise option worked out here, and your mother's refusal to countenance carers at all shouldn't be facilitated at the potential expense of your daughter's welfare, her education or your partner's job.

MarriedtoDaveGrohl · 31/10/2020 13:40

Selfish? Jesus fucking Christ. Alone in a house in pain and possibly going to die if someone doesn't get to her in time. Unable to walk or move and get anything for herself and she's selfish. Fucking hell.

But your dd thinks her little schoolgirl life might be disrupted and your dh wants to work till late at night and not get away on time or use up any leave or do any childcare.

Give me strength. I hope none of you get old and need your children. Because when they just won't step up you will deserve it because they have seen you treat your own parents that way. Revolting.

OP it's two hours drive. Your husband unless he gets given no leave hasn't been on holidays - none of us have. He can use that to go part time or take days here and there. He can work the hours he needs to not the hours he thinks he wants to. He can be a fucking man. And a father. Not a precious 'it's not my job' wanker. And your daughter can learn that your mother deserves respect and care and you don't just abandon her to ready meals in a microwave (zero fucking nutrition - hardly going to help with her recovery).

You will do more driving. It's life. Ffs.

Frouby · 31/10/2020 13:42

Op my dh had a stoma (emergency operation after perforated bowel) about 10 years ago. He was very very ill in hospital for 2 weeks, tho was really poorly by the time they knew and operated. However with a couple of weeks he was fine and walking around, eating well and recovered quite quickly from the operation despite having had a massive infection. He was back at work on light duties by week 5.

If the op is straightforward with no complications she won't actually need that much help. If there are complications then she may be in hospital for quite some time.

I understand you want to help her, but she will have to get either carers to come in, or maybe a home help or cleaner. You can't abandon your responsibilities at home for that amount of time, it's too long.

Orcus · 31/10/2020 13:42

Is there absolutely no possibility of fitting her in at yours OP? DD sleeping on a mattress in your room or something for the duration.

NerrSnerr · 31/10/2020 14:11

I'm sorry but Covid means everyone has a ton of leave to use up and most of the time it can't be rolled over to next year

Do you honestly believe this? Not everyone was furloughed. I bloody wish I had a ton of leave to use up.

Orcus · 31/10/2020 14:12

Yeah that is complete and total bollocks.

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