Page 4 | To ask DP to look after DD (at school/after school club) while I provide live in care for DM over next few weeks?

HarveysPJs · 2020-10-31T09:43:19+00:00

DP has a demanding job and is concerned that school run will take two hours out of his day. Also concerned about impact on DD if I’m away for a few weeks. DM needs 2 months of care following major surgery.

Tinkywinkydinkydoo · 31/10/2020 11:20

Are you in England? What happens if they close the schools during a lockdown? 2 months is way too long to leave a 9yr old that’s primarily with her mother during a lockdown and pandemic. Your dh could take a week or two off work but not two months, surely he’d be risking his job and as the only earner it’s too risky? I sympathise with you op, are you sure you can’t make any room in your house? Sofa or bunk beds in dd’s room? Has Dh got family local he could stay with to free up some space?

ApolloandDaphne · 31/10/2020 11:21

Here is the other thread OP started with much more information.

hatgirl · 31/10/2020 11:22

So again, based on the extra information, why on earth haven't you and your siblings looked into proper social care for your mum.

There is every chance this won't just be for a few weeks, particularly if she isn't accessing proper reablement support because you are trying to manage between yourselves.

Do all involved a favour and the next time she goes into hospital ask for a social care referral before she is discharged.

Jroseforever · 31/10/2020 11:23

Be apart from my child for 2 months

No. Never.

I would either bring my child with me and arrange work to be sent with school
Or I would move my mother in with me. No space? I’d make it work

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/10/2020 11:30

Well based on that info YABVU.

thetoughhaveleft · 31/10/2020 11:39

Come on OP- what's the real story here? Surely you can see that this is a crazy idea and that there are lots of other options open to you to help care for your mum (and it should be your mum, not your daughter, for whom you access this external care). Are there issues in your marriage that have you feeling like two months away from your normal life is a good idea? I agree with the PP who said that two hours away does not have to mean not seeing your child at all!

Original poster

HarveysPJs · 31/10/2020 11:47

Wow - just come back. Thank you for all your responses. I’m going to talk to DP later. DP can work from home in the evenings, maybe needs to go into office twice a week. I think I panicked when I heard about potential national lockdown - and how to keep DM safe. I have DSis and DB - but they both work - so I’m trying to come up with best option.

OP posts:

Original poster

HarveysPJs · 31/10/2020 11:51

She has a stoma - and will need a reversal after xmas. Can’t lift, has had a large part of bowel removed. Particularly vulnerable to Covid.

OP posts:

Original poster

HarveysPJs · 31/10/2020 11:53

I can travel during lockdown to care for DM, I thought this might not be allowed.

OP posts:

MrsClatterbuck · 31/10/2020 11:53

On one occasion when my mum has been discharged from hospital she was given the option of intermediate care or what's sometimes called a step down bed where she went into a home for two weeks to help her get back on her feet. This service was free and when she went home carers were arranged for 4 times a day. You need to speak to adult social services I think her Gp can make the referral or make sure you speak to the hospital social worker before discharge. Your siblings may work but you also do as well looking after your children so the 3 of you are going to have to come up with a workable solution. Maybe they can take some leave. Be careful about taking on the lions share of care as you could be left to do everything in future because "you don't work" Have seen this too many times.

MrsClatterbuck · 31/10/2020 11:56

Also no reason your siblings can't take over at the weekends. Friday evenings to Sunday afternoon.

Sirzy · 31/10/2020 11:56

Two months is way too long, I would also worry that if she is going to be need of such a long period of recovery that she needs much more professional/specialist care package in place rather than it all being put into one person.

hatgirl · 31/10/2020 12:00

@HarveysPJs

She has a stoma - and will need a reversal after xmas. Can’t lift, has had a large part of bowel removed. Particularly vulnerable to Covid.

Which is really unfortunate for her, but doesn't generally require a 24 hour a day carer?

Has she got all the right equipment etc in place for example a trolley shelf to help move things between rooms, chair raisers etc to help her get in and out of chairs?

There's absolutely no reason for you and your siblings to provide support when you can but moving out of the family home when there are other options is an over reaction.

If it's because she won't pay for care (not saying it is but this is really common) then why should you and your DP take on the additional financial burden instead via increased childcare costs etc.

cologne4711 · 31/10/2020 12:08

Care packages depend on where you live - in some areas you get a decent package when you leave hospital, in others there is nothing and you will have to sort it out yourself.

OP how could you possibly think that travel for care reasons would not be permitted? It was very obviously one of the exceptions during the first lockdown.

But your first duty is to your children. Your DH needs to work to keep a roof over your head. Presumably your siblings do as well but they perhaps they could take off a week each. If you each did a week, that would be 3 weeks, by which time your mum can probably cope or you could arrange a care package/cleaner etc. Then you could do the same when she has the reversal operation.

Your dd could cope without you for a week and your DH could cope for a week too. Two months is far too long.

Nanny0gg · 31/10/2020 12:14

@HarveysPJs

DM has had major surgery - her hospital/medication etc is all here and we have no space at our house.

No chance of a convalescent hospital? There are still some out there. My MiL had to go to one as there was no-one to care for her at home

FinallyHere · 31/10/2020 12:16

In similar circumstances, we had great help from lovely ladies supplied by

https://www.country-cousins.co.uk

Then you can relax knowing that the day yo day work is all in hand and could possibly visit with you DD at the weekend.

Lovely long trips always useful to chat about anything and everything to you DD

Original poster

HarveysPJs · 31/10/2020 12:17

DM has been working out how to do things, but there are certain things e.g putting out bins, dishwasher, managing shopping etc - and I’m not sure how much risk there is of rupture/infection - and she still has a couple of weeks of blood thinning injections to do. I can be relieved at weekends, but that still doesn’t help DP. DSis works in a school so cannot be here during week, I thinking need to alternate with DB who is hyper stressed over work/Covid/his children. DM would not have a carer and is quite determined to do all herself. But she’s alone, and I just want to do the right thing. It’s whether asking DP to help with DD is too big an ask?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 31/10/2020 12:21

@HarveysPJs

DM has been working out how to do things, but there are certain things e.g putting out bins, dishwasher, managing shopping etc - and I’m not sure how much risk there is of rupture/infection - and she still has a couple of weeks of blood thinning injections to do. I can be relieved at weekends, but that still doesn’t help DP. DSis works in a school so cannot be here during week, I thinking need to alternate with DB who is hyper stressed over work/Covid/his children. DM would not have a carer and is quite determined to do all herself. But she’s alone, and I just want to do the right thing. It’s whether asking DP to help with DD is too big an ask?

So does she actually want someone moving in with her for two months then?

Surely a neighbour could put her bins out once a week?

NerrSnerr · 31/10/2020 12:24

It doesn't sound like she needs 24 hour care. Fair enough to offer some support but I think you and your siblings need to realistically decide what you can offer without disrupting your children's whole life (2 months without seeing them?!?) and it she requires any further support that can be arranged by sorting a carer.

I know you say she doesn't want a carer and that's her choice. She's a grown up and once she knows what you and your siblings can do she can make that decision as it is hers to make (it's also her decision as to whether she accepts the support you and your siblings offer)

NoSquirrels · 31/10/2020 12:27

It’s whether asking DP to help with DD is too big an ask?

For 1 week - not at all.
For 2 weeks - difficult if he is not in favour.
More than that, unreasonable.

Without knowing more about how your DH’s work patterns are, whether the school is close by etc, it’s hard to say.

I would expect my DH to negotiate with his employer reduced hours or some parental leave for up to 2 weeks, but not more. But my DH can WFH almost full-time and already shares some school run & childcare duties as I work too, so we are set up for this.

There’s also a difference between whether he’s working till 9 at night because his job is insecure or whether those are his core hours (if he’s working internationally, for instance l, so starting later) or whether his employer has just got used to shafting him and he’s a workaholic who’s never had to step up before etc.

Only you know.

But in principle - your DM should pay for a bit of home help, you should go for 1 week or perhaps 2-3 days per week, around your DH’s in-office schedule if possible, and your DB needs to help too.

Original poster

HarveysPJs · 31/10/2020 12:27

It’s the Covid rates, the possibility of lockdown next week which are scaring me. I want her to get well, and I don’t want to expose her to anything - so asking a neighbour not possible. She is supposed to be self isolating - apart from care from us (her support bubble).

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 31/10/2020 12:27

So you'll not see the 9 to for 2 months and in that time she'll barely see DH because he's working til past her bedtime. Presumably if he's having to take time out for school run, dinner and bed too he'll be working much later / weekends too so she won't even get much input from him then either. It's too long for emergency parental leave and you're doing it all again in the New Year.

If you have to care for DM then I think you either need to look into some kind of short term Nanny (maybe til March??) or take your daughter with you, cite extenuating circumstances to school and see what they say. Dad can visit weekends.

How far away do your siblings live?
What's the plan over Xmas?

NoSquirrels · 31/10/2020 12:28

And by home help she doesn’t necessarily need a cater, just a cleaner who can do some practical stuff like dishwasher and bins and be a person looking in on her.

ThePlantsitter · 31/10/2020 12:30

I think unless DP is fully on board with sole childcare for 2 months yes it is too big an ask. But I DO think that as part of your family he should be part of the team working on a viable solution for you all.

As an aside, it's all very well for your DM to want to do everything alone but she may have to bend on that. Having you do everything is beither practical nor fair.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 31/10/2020 12:30

Is there a house best to you she could rent for the duration? I think it's too much for your DP to do for that length of time. Poor it another way - if he had to take 2 months unpaid leave to go and look after his mother could you cope working such long hours, looking after your DD and keeping the house in order?