To ask DP to look after DD (at school/after school club) while I provide live in care for DM over next few weeks?

[HarveysPJs]

DP has a demanding job and is concerned that school run will take two hours out of his day. Also concerned about impact on DD if I’m away for a few weeks. DM needs 2 months of care following major surgery.

Yes, but I can gauge her happiness here. If she is suffering, I will rethink it all.

Perhaps it’s the way you’re expressing it all - it can be hard onscreen, after all - but it does sound all a bit panicked and possibly unnecessary, especially when less drastic solutions could be found. But ultimately if everyone in your life thinks it’s the best then don’t worry about MN opinions.

@HarveysPJs

If my daughter catches the virus at school (who don’t have good social distancing measures in place), and I pass it on to my mum as her main carer - my mum will probably die - a very unpleasant death. The infection rate is soaring. I would rather pay a fine, and keep her off school for the next few weeks.

I find it very odd that your children are put bottom of the priority list here when you have two siblings and care can be bought in.

As for the covid risk, yes your mum could get it. But she might not. And yes she might die. But she probably won't. My MIL has been bedridden and housebound for nearly two years. Carers go in four times a day. They are obviously really careful as she'd not had covid (or anything else).

Are you going to do all this again after Christmas when she has the next operation?

I hope not, to be frank. Your DD needs to come first next time. It's your siblings' turn to step up.

Well, there you go then. If she doesn’t need constant care then you don’t need to take such extreme action.

As an aside, if you are concerned about your daughter passing Covid to your mum then are you isolating your daughter for two weeks before you take her to your mum?

She’s been on half term and well, and not interacting with anyone other than family. @Nicknacky no - it’s not constant, but it’s helping with lifting, being around when stoma is changed, showering, support with injections when needed and just - love - really to aid her recovery rather than her being scared and alone. In normal circumstances I would absolutely share this care with siblings, neighbours etc - but the news yesterday (lockdown/infection rate) is pretty dramatic. I am putting DM’s needs first as it’s her physical health/risk of Covid. My DS is 18mnths and very happy, DD is currently very happy to come here, but I will review this if it’s impacting her mental health.

I'm really curious now what your DPs job is?

Computer based, key worker, team leader (for a team that are crumbling), national defence. It is really hard for him, and he works 8am til 9pm most days.

Like I said, of course she is going to be happy. You have told her she isn’t going to school!

Yesterday’s lockdown hasn’t changed anything in relation to care giving to a vulnerable person.

Thanks OP.

Glad you have managed to sort the situation out. Hope your mum's recovery is smooth.

OP I think caring for your mum and taking your DD sounds. It will be an educational experience- caring from an elderly relative- she will hopefully hear stories too and ir could leave a lasting positive impression. Obviously you can monitor if she gets lonely/bored but by then you will have a better understanding of your DM's needs and will be able to plan accordingly. Good luck and well done for being a caring daughter.

@Iggypoppie what a kind post! You brought a tear to my eye - thank you xxxx and thank you @RantyAnty. And this thread has really helped me see the pro/cons - so thank you all and keep safe everyone x

We all go to work but a man that cannot possibly look after his own daughter is no man atall. Wouldn't even be a question for me as a mother, of course i look after my child and balance work there is no other option. Poor child.

@HarveysPJs
I think that taking your DC with you sounds like a good option . At 9 your DD should be grown up enough to sit quietly and get on with school work while you tend to your mum and DS. She can probably also spend time chatting with your mum or playing with her brother . Sounds much better for her than staying at home with her dad who is stressed about work and not able to giver her the time she needs . Also there will probably be a few children who are being kept off School at the moment whether due to illness, isolating or simply worried parents .

Sounds like your mum just needs someone on hand not 24/7 care and I think it's nice that you want to do this for your mum .

It’s a difficult situation for sure. I don’t think people realise quite how bad the hospital situation is going to be over the next two months. It’s not as simple as saying ‘oh, carers go to see xyz and she’s fine so far’. Some will be fine, but some will get very ill. Some vulnerable people simply won’t be admitted to hospital.

@redolent you’re exactly right. Mum was so lucky to get her op when she did - her cancer surgeon was pulled into intensive care during lockdown, likely the same will happen again. A week after she came out of hospital all the patients in her ward were moved to another part of the hospital, warnings that the NHS will be full. It’s pretty scary, and I simply can’t rely on there to be carers, or that her needs will be adequately met during the next few weeks. Her surgeon really was pushing for her care needs to be met by family - because she knows how stretched NHS are.

Her surgeon really was pushing for her care needs to be met by family - because she knows how stretched NHS are.

I’m very cynical about this sort of thing. I’ve had some but (luckily) only limited experience of this first hand, but I’ve seen at second hand how they’ve treated a friend of mine with her mother....and all I can say is that you should be careful. In the nicest possible way, the NHS/adult social services don’t care about you, OP. They don’t care about your husband’s job. They don’t care about your DD or her education. Their brief is to sort out your mother’s needs at the least possible cost to the system. They’re nice - and they’ll be nice to you. But it’s far, far easier for them if you bear the burden. And once you have, that’s the default...they’ll never, ever suggest you’re doing too much/need some respite. Please be careful.

No I don't think this would be feasible in view of your DHs long hours. Could your mum move in with you. Or pay for a carer.

Taking your DD with you is best solution. I didn't think of that.

Just coming back to say - I emailed the school for absence request and I’ve had no response, no phone call. I feel like I’ve done my bit, and my daughter has had a brilliant day. They’ve done a topic on Victorians at school - yet she had no idea who Isambard Kingdom Brunel is - we covered that. She hated football before today because she never gets chosen in PE - it’s always the boys who go to football club. It’s now her favourite game.

To be fair OP, as a teacher you should know that a same day response on a complex situation isn't to be expected.

Your post sounds a little smug like 'see I'm doing a better job'. I'm sure no topic on the Victorians will cover everything. Most schools I know look at an element of an era, not everything. Equally football on her own isn't exactly comparable to team sport.

Anyway, you've made your decision and hopefully it works out for you and DC.

This whole thread sounds like you just made your mind up already and that ultimately it was more about the virus risk than your mum needing that level of care.

A nine-year-old is old enough to understand and your husband needs to step up. Although surely she could walk or get public transport to school, unless you live in the depths of the country.

I think you are doing the right thing, I don't know why other posters are minimising your mum's operation, I have had it and would have hated to come home to an empty house, besides all the practical help that I needed.

I also think you're doing the right thing. Your mum needs you the most at the moment and despite the hyperbole, your kids will be fine.

I think you should step away from the thread. You've made your decision, and the posters who disagree with your choice are going to get more and more ridiculous as time goes on.