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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask DP to look after DD (at school/after school club) while I provide live in care for DM over next few weeks?

308 replies

HarveysPJs · 31/10/2020 09:43

DP has a demanding job and is concerned that school run will take two hours out of his day. Also concerned about impact on DD if I’m away for a few weeks. DM needs 2 months of care following major surgery.

OP posts:
Boulshired · 31/10/2020 10:12

It would depend on your financials and your DPs employer. I have been both a SAHP and the sole working parent. They both had there own stress especially when I was responsible for the only money coming into the house. This would not be a time I would want to rock the boat with employers.

Stompythedinosaur · 31/10/2020 10:13

Make room for your dm at your house - can your dd move into your room, or you and your dp sleep in the living room?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 31/10/2020 10:14

I’d either arrange carers for your mum or take your DD with you.

I get that if he were single he would have to do it all but he’s not single. A week or two yes but not for two months.

ApolloandDaphne · 31/10/2020 10:14

I reckon two months is much too long to do this. When is this happening? I would look at getting carers in to your DM after perhaps the first week or two once she is settled at home.

NailsNeedDoing · 31/10/2020 10:15

Honestly, I don’t think it’s fair to expect him to do that, if he’s supporting you to be a SAHM you can’t just opt out of that for two months and expect him to cope, and it’s too long to be away from your dd anyway.

There must be other options for your mum, what would happen if you weren’t available to go?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/10/2020 10:17

How is meant to be at home with Dd every evening if he works til 9pm?

Thisismylife1 · 31/10/2020 10:18

I’m sorry but YABU. you need to get carer’s or an alternative for your mum.

He needs to be working! What if he loses his job/your daughter needs to isolate due to case at your school. When you agree to be SAHM the deal is you do that except life or death!

Redwinestillfine · 31/10/2020 10:23

If his employers are decent they should let him take leave to look after her. It could be a good bonding experience and he will appreciate you all the more at the end of it. If his employer is stuck in the dark ages then I think I would take your dad with you. Missing a few weeks of school won't be the end of the world, she can online learn and learn life skills in the process.

Redwinestillfine · 31/10/2020 10:23

DD

Scarlettpixie · 31/10/2020 10:26

I don’t think you should leave your DD for 2 months.

ivfbeenbusy · 31/10/2020 10:29

He has a demanding job and has to work till 9pm every evening?.....yes YABU. What have your put in place to help him out for 2 months given that you are a STAHM and would normally have daily household things to do? Do you expect him to stay on top of that well? If your DM didn't have anyone to care for her what other options would there be?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 31/10/2020 10:31

If his employers are decent they should let him take leave to look after her

2 months?

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 31/10/2020 10:34

This must be so stressful for you and your ‘D’ P sounds like an arse. If it is absolutely impossible to have your DM at your house which would be the best option could you not hire a live out au pair or home help for after school? There must be plenty of people who would be glad of this work for two months. I feel that your DP should deal with getting your daughter into school and, in the case of emergency he could send her in by a reliable and trusted taxi service.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/10/2020 10:34

Even if his employers would agree to let him take emergency leave or whatever it’s called, depending on his industry it’s not a good time to be off for weeks on end given the instability around jobs. DH could take a bit of annual leave and his work might let him change his hours but unless it was really critical neither of us wants him looking dispensable right now and he’s in a relatively secure role and industry.

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/10/2020 10:36

your ‘D’ P sounds like an arse

What? Hmm

He’s the sole wage earner. Every industry is shedding jobs. He hasn’t said he won’t look after DD, he’s said he’s concerned about missing hours of work a day for two months. He is not an arse based on what little OP has said. Don’t be so ridiculous.

ThePlantsitter · 31/10/2020 10:36

You wouldn't see your DD for 2 months for the sake of two hours' drive? Even at weekends?

Honestly I don't see the point in an AIBU on this subject. Your husband should of course pull his weight but his opinion is totally valid as it affects his and your daughter's lives too. Meanwhile nobody is pretending 2 months as a live in career is a holiday either (if you were thinking that, it isn't). Given the kids' schooling is all over the place at the moment anyway I would be seeing about taking her with you for half the time or something.

TingTastic · 31/10/2020 10:37

Two months is way too long and would seriously put a lot of people’s jobs at risk if they asked their employer for this in the current environment

You will need to talk to the hospital about an alternative care plan for your mother. Maybe a temporary placement in a care home?

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 31/10/2020 10:38

I should add that posters who think that employers will give parental leave for this are being very naive ! (And yes I know that it is supposedly the law.)

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 31/10/2020 10:43

@AnneLovesGilbert Yes I do think he is an arse as he is making the OP’s life even more stressful. If he can’t help out it should be him who should be organising the childcare if he is unwilling/ unable to do it himself.

Mellonsprite · 31/10/2020 10:43

Honestly I don’t think that sounds practical, 2 months is a long time and he sounds like he has a full on job requiring a lot of his attention until late at night.
Who will be cooking for DD, making sure she’s showered and washed, homework done etc if he has to work until 9pm at night? It’s not easy trying to wfh and continue with normal household tasks.
I think you need to rethink how your mums care will work and maybe find a way to move her into yours, can she take DD’s room for 2 months?

Smallsteps88 · 31/10/2020 10:43

You need to arrange childcare OP. Someone to come in the morning and sort DD out, take her to school etc and then collect her in the afternoon and stay with her until 6pm or bedtime or whatever suits your husband with his work schedule.

NerrSnerr · 31/10/2020 10:43

I think 2 months is too long. What operation is your mum having? Does she have any other support? Is it that she won't be able to live independently for 2 months or that she would with services in place but you want to support?

I'm not sure how your husband is supposed to cut his working day in half for 2 whole months without repercussions- I think you need a different plan.

AlexaShutUp · 31/10/2020 10:44

The child is in school and after school club, so the dh would not need to take 2 months off work. He would need to reduce overtime during that period though. An employer should accept this - men should not be expected to be able to opt out of all domestic responsibilities all of the time!

How long is his commute, OP? Would he be able to do the school run and still work his contracted hours?

I'm surprised at how many people think it's unreasonable to expect the DH to step up in this situation. As the main breadwinner in our household, with a very demanding job, I have never resented being on my own with dd for periods when my dh has returned to his home country, sometimes for up to 3 months at a time, partly for work and partly to deal with family issues. Single parents do this all the time, so it is surely do-able for a couple of months as a one-off. Is it because the DH is a man that people think this is unreasonable?

My biggest concern would be how the dd would cope with mum's absence, as she is obviously the primary carer. However, as I said above, I coped with similar as a child and we all survived. Then there is the question of how easily the dh could manage childcare around his job.

I totally understand you wanting to do this for your mum, OP. I hope you can find a way of making it work for you and your family.

missbipolar · 31/10/2020 10:44

Your "d" h is charming. He doesn't get to opt out of parenting.

NerrSnerr · 31/10/2020 10:46

@AlexaShutUp the OP hasn't said he does any overtime. It could easily be his normal working hours, working until 9.