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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not let DS stayover at MILs after this -dog concerns

272 replies

TheMILinatorReturns · 28/10/2020 17:29

Name changed Sorry Long rant...
Half term, MIL kindly agreed to look after 3YO DS...all going well, photos of fun activities etc and grateful of the help. Then I get a phone call to say she's confessing she has allowed a relative to bring her staffordshire bull terrier into the house with DS present which is something DH told her specifically not to do. I'm guessing she had to 'confess' because DS would have told me anyway...

I'm pretty livid because I don't trust dogs, especially the big ones around my small child and particularly ones I have never met myself. I know I will get flamed for this by diehard dog lovers but to me dogs are animals and can easily flip when under stress, small children and dogs together are (IMHO) an unpredictable mix and an unnecessary risk I wanted to avoid with our child. Also she has not respected my wishes by allowing this (she has past form for this).

Another point is this particular breed doesn't have a great reputation, they are powerful muscular dogs and there are a lot of children according to news channels who have been killed or left with life changing injuries in this country alone. I have actually had a bad experience with one myself when I had to do a home visit and was knocked to the ground and had it not been wearing a muzzle I am not sure what would have happened but that's another story.

Granted I am sure the majority of these dogs are lovely pets and great around kids but.... I was not comfortable with this and DH communicated it to MIL, I never thought she would go ahead anyway. She has apologised says it was an 'accident' she 'thought it was a delivery' and the dog just came running in. This says to me it was out of control for one, surely it should have been on a lead on the street outside...? She says she held DS on her lap whilst the relative sat across the room with the dog and it was 'only five minutes' and the relative had come with a present for DS (his birthday soon). I suppose it is good she has admitted it and apologised but to be honest I think she is trying to minimise it and I don't know why she didn't just say 'please will you take the dog away whilst my grandson is here'. She could even have blamed it on me and said my crazy DIL wont let me have dogs in the house whilst I have my grandson here, I wouldn't have cared. To me she has prioritised the relatives feelings over my sons safety. This is really difficult for me because on the one hand I feel everyone will think I am overreacting but on the other had something gone wrong and the dog got jealous (it often stays with MIL apparently) and bitten DS... it just doesn't bear thinking about. Trying to put this into perspective as nothing actually happened (and I will probably be accused of PFBS) but the fact is she knew our wishes, WHY then allow this to happen, I just don't get it? It was the only rule we lay down, didn't even say don't feed him up with sweets and chocolate (which she always does) because we realise this is a grandparent thing. Part of me wonders if she is trying to push my buttons on purpose as she has been difficult over other issues in the past (she can be quite overbearing and manipulative - I never thought spiteful though). She called me up on video call to 'confess' and I wonder if she wanted to witness my reaction. I really want DS to see his grandparents but I am going to sit worrying about this bloody dog being near him now if I send him back there to stayover and that I cannot trust MIL to do as we have asked. AIBU to tell MIL she can see DS but only at our house or at hers when we are there and no more staying over? DH will support this. However I don't want to be accused by SIL and other family members of keeping MIL away from DS...what to do?!

OP posts:
MootingMirror · 28/10/2020 17:33

You need to get over your irrational fear of dogs or your child will grow up scared of them. Every parent should be cautious of dogs and children together but saying your child is never allowed to be around dogs is ridiculous and benefits no one. You're hurting your child.
That said, MIL shouldn't have gone against your wishes and that needs to be explained to her very clearly and calmly - by DH, not you.

LolaSkoda · 28/10/2020 17:35

I wouldn’t allow my children to be in the house with a dog of that breed. No way.

Todaywewilldobetter · 28/10/2020 17:35

Enormous over reaction. Sorry. It was a visiting dog. She didnt chuck him in with crocodiles.

Hercwasonaroll · 28/10/2020 17:37

Huge over reaction from you. MIL has told you, it was a short period of time and the dog was under control.

Livpool · 28/10/2020 17:37

I think you are massively overreacting and I agree with you about dogs and children. There is no indication your DS was left alone with the dog nor that your MIL would allow that.

YABU

StayCloseSpooky · 28/10/2020 17:38

The issue isn't necessarily the dog, it's that you specifically said you didn't want a dog round your child. I don't think it's an over reaction at all.

LouiseTrees · 28/10/2020 17:38

I disagree with the past poster. There is no need for the dog to be in the house. They could’ve tied it up inside. To be honest in most places in these times the relative shouldn’t have been in either and could’ve just dropped the present off. However I think it has to be your DH that says no staying over not you and he has to say “ how are you going to handle anything like that in the future”.

Leaannb · 28/10/2020 17:38

Witch is ot? She has form for ignoring your wishes regarding your child or you never thought she would do this

vodkaredbullgirl · 28/10/2020 17:42

You will pass your fears on to your child, it was only 5 mins and your mil had hold of their grandchild.

funnylittlefloozie · 28/10/2020 17:42

So the dog was there with its owner, your DS sat on granny's lap all the time the dog was visiting?

Yes, you are being a bit unreasonable, i think. You cant really dictate who your MIL allows into her own house. The dog was supervised, as was DS. Its as safe as it could reasonably be.

Girlyracer · 28/10/2020 17:44

Just be very clear to her. If it happens again he won't be going to her house again. I think she'll then be more careful about who she allows to run into her house.

rosie1959 · 28/10/2020 17:51

Sorry a little OTT in this situation
You child was not alone with the dog both his grandmother and it’s owner were present
And despite all the news most staffies don’t want to eat children

MootingMirror · 28/10/2020 17:53

I'm curious whether DH agrees with your ridiculous stance on dogs. If not, you haven't got a leg to stand on tbh.

Jollypostman1991 · 28/10/2020 17:54

You’re being unreasonable and over the top. Your child will likely grow up to fear dogs because of your irrational fear. This will do them no favours, as their lack of exposure will render them ignorant to basic dog language and behaviour. That in itself puts them at risk of a negative experience.

The mention of breed is completely irrelevant and almost laughable at the predictability. Presuming this was a dog with a stable temperament, it could have been the case that MIL facilitated a positive interaction between your son and a dog. Something you could be grateful for, as your phobia renders you incapable of being calm and objective about risk with regard to dogs.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 28/10/2020 17:59

Yabu to assume a particular breed could attach your ds and to dictate to mil who visits her home.
Yanbu to accept mil going against the agreed arrangement of no ddogs around ds.
Free childcare unfortunately comes with strings...

WitchesSpelleas · 28/10/2020 17:59

Putting aside your concerns about the breed, have you reason to think this particular dog is dangerous?

Spied · 28/10/2020 18:01

One point in her favour could be seen in the fact she told you about the dog- however Imo she's manipulated the situation so that now if you stop DS going there without you she can turn it to make you look unreasonable as she can tell everyone she explained things to you etc.
I'd be really unhappy and I'd not allow her to have DS at her house unsupervised especially as she has form.

SpeccyLime · 28/10/2020 18:01

Tbh it sounds like she handled it quite well - she was taken by surprise, but she kept the dog away from your son and ensured nothing bad happened, then told you right away. It’s hard to fault her approach. Even telling on FaceTime was arguably the right thing to do because it showed she was taking it seriously and not just sending a casual text etc.

As you accept, nothing bad happened and that seems to be down to her handling the situation sensibly and then keeping you appraised of the situation. That’s exactly how I would want a grandparent to behave with my child. I don’t think you have anything to worry about.

MootingMirror · 28/10/2020 18:04

Just re-read and noticed that MIL didn't plan this or know it was going to happen. You are being completely unreasonable! What on earth did you think would happen! Bonkers!

FamBae · 28/10/2020 18:04

Give her a break, it was a surprise visit and your Mil aware of your concerns kept your DS on her lap. My dear Staffie used to stand guard over my DGS but as much as I trusted him I never left him alone with DGS so I do understand your concerns. I voted YABU only because my postman was bitten by a Chihuahua last week.

BendyWendy18 · 28/10/2020 18:07

Huge overreaction OP. If something is unforeseen, how could she have allowed it to happen. She was honest with you and apologised, let it go.

Onthetrain75 · 28/10/2020 18:08

I am a complete dog lover. Always had dogs from before my children came along. However, you are right that all dogs and children are a risk. Ultimately this is your child and if you have any doubts at all then you just need to say that you don’t want your child around dogs while you are not there.
This is absolutely nothing to do with the breed.

Todaywewilldobetter · 28/10/2020 18:08

@Spied

One point in her favour could be seen in the fact she told you about the dog- however Imo she's manipulated the situation so that now if you stop DS going there without you she can turn it to make you look unreasonable as she can tell everyone she explained things to you etc. I'd be really unhappy and I'd not allow her to have DS at her house unsupervised especially as she has form.
If people really think their families are this agenda driven and manipulative why do they bother? It's like Jeremy Kyle's green room sometimes.
Snaketime · 28/10/2020 18:09

In regards to dogs I think you ABU, in regards to your MIL not respecting your wishes YANBU, if and when you discuss this with her keep it short, the fact that you had one rule and that was no dogs around DS and she disrespected that which has left you feeling hurt.

AyeAyeShipAhoy · 28/10/2020 18:16

According to the Kennel Club, the dog most likely to bite is the Labrador, so I would not fixate particularly on the Staff. I think your fear of dogs is such an issue that I would suggest getting help with it.

Having said that, your MiL is not adhering to your wishes, so I would get your DH to have a word about that. If she disagrees with your rules, then that's one thing; to go against you is another.