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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to not let DS stayover at MILs after this -dog concerns

272 replies

TheMILinatorReturns · 28/10/2020 17:29

Name changed Sorry Long rant...
Half term, MIL kindly agreed to look after 3YO DS...all going well, photos of fun activities etc and grateful of the help. Then I get a phone call to say she's confessing she has allowed a relative to bring her staffordshire bull terrier into the house with DS present which is something DH told her specifically not to do. I'm guessing she had to 'confess' because DS would have told me anyway...

I'm pretty livid because I don't trust dogs, especially the big ones around my small child and particularly ones I have never met myself. I know I will get flamed for this by diehard dog lovers but to me dogs are animals and can easily flip when under stress, small children and dogs together are (IMHO) an unpredictable mix and an unnecessary risk I wanted to avoid with our child. Also she has not respected my wishes by allowing this (she has past form for this).

Another point is this particular breed doesn't have a great reputation, they are powerful muscular dogs and there are a lot of children according to news channels who have been killed or left with life changing injuries in this country alone. I have actually had a bad experience with one myself when I had to do a home visit and was knocked to the ground and had it not been wearing a muzzle I am not sure what would have happened but that's another story.

Granted I am sure the majority of these dogs are lovely pets and great around kids but.... I was not comfortable with this and DH communicated it to MIL, I never thought she would go ahead anyway. She has apologised says it was an 'accident' she 'thought it was a delivery' and the dog just came running in. This says to me it was out of control for one, surely it should have been on a lead on the street outside...? She says she held DS on her lap whilst the relative sat across the room with the dog and it was 'only five minutes' and the relative had come with a present for DS (his birthday soon). I suppose it is good she has admitted it and apologised but to be honest I think she is trying to minimise it and I don't know why she didn't just say 'please will you take the dog away whilst my grandson is here'. She could even have blamed it on me and said my crazy DIL wont let me have dogs in the house whilst I have my grandson here, I wouldn't have cared. To me she has prioritised the relatives feelings over my sons safety. This is really difficult for me because on the one hand I feel everyone will think I am overreacting but on the other had something gone wrong and the dog got jealous (it often stays with MIL apparently) and bitten DS... it just doesn't bear thinking about. Trying to put this into perspective as nothing actually happened (and I will probably be accused of PFBS) but the fact is she knew our wishes, WHY then allow this to happen, I just don't get it? It was the only rule we lay down, didn't even say don't feed him up with sweets and chocolate (which she always does) because we realise this is a grandparent thing. Part of me wonders if she is trying to push my buttons on purpose as she has been difficult over other issues in the past (she can be quite overbearing and manipulative - I never thought spiteful though). She called me up on video call to 'confess' and I wonder if she wanted to witness my reaction. I really want DS to see his grandparents but I am going to sit worrying about this bloody dog being near him now if I send him back there to stayover and that I cannot trust MIL to do as we have asked. AIBU to tell MIL she can see DS but only at our house or at hers when we are there and no more staying over? DH will support this. However I don't want to be accused by SIL and other family members of keeping MIL away from DS...what to do?!

OP posts:
Purpledaisychain · 28/10/2020 23:06

The majority of staffies is are big softies. Unfortunately, due to humans breeding them for aggressive traits, a small percentage have got the breed a bad name.

That doesn't mean that you shouldn't be cautious and supervise young children and dogs when they are together. And I'm saying that as a dog lover who has owned dogs all her life.

Having said that, children do benefit greatly from being around animals. Actively keeping a child away from all dogs could in all likelihood make him scared of them.

Shizzlestix · 28/10/2020 23:23

So don’t let mil look after your dc again. She’s broken your trust if, as you say, you’ve specifically asked her never to allow a dog in while she has your dc. Your prerogative, of course, but would the relative have allowed the dog to run in if it were likely to be poorly behaved with your dc?

Reading the thread, I feel that you’re being UR. One incident with the same breed means nothing. Your experience is not necessarily what will happen in future. I’m sick of seeing comments about how dodgy staffies are. Deed, not breed. I keep saying it, but the worst dog I’ve ever met was the family favourite, a Labrador, vicious arsehole of a dog.

Runkle · 28/10/2020 23:27

You can't pre-meet every dog your child is ever going to encounter. Never mind, you seem busy enough googling the horror stories...

shas19 · 28/10/2020 23:35

Any breed of dog could bite. Get a grip

JamieLeeCurtains · 28/10/2020 23:43

which is something DH told her specifically not to do

That's the issue though, really.

He needs to deal with this tbh.

Heartofglass12345 · 28/10/2020 23:49

We had a staff when I was a kid and they are well known to be good with children. He could knock someone over but he wouldn't have bitten them he was daft.
You didn't know this dog, however, and I wouldn't have wanted my child near it either, but it sounds like your MIL handled it well. Maybe get your partner to ask her to ask them to put it in a different room next time.
Staffs are no nastier or likely to 'turn' than any other dog and as long as people are sensible and don't let their kids torment them they are usually ok.

olympicsrock · 28/10/2020 23:51

You are being unreasonable here but are clearly terrified and traumatised by what happened to you with a dog. Your fear is out of proportion and in this case MIL was careful and did not put your child at risk.
However this is clearly such a major issue for you which was made clear in advance that your wishes needed to be respected.
I think you will need to have some counselling/ CBT or you will pass on this terror to your child. I agree that you will not be able to trust MIL again as you did make her aware of your very strong views

NiceTwin · 29/10/2020 00:00

You have got the breed all wrong, they are known as nanny dogs because they are so good natured.
That said, any dog breed can be nasty.

What you don't need to be doing is pushing your fear onto your ds, you are doing him no favours.

Give your mil a break, it doesn't sound like your ds was ever in any danger.

oodlenoodles · 29/10/2020 03:13

Not an overreaction. I would be exactly the same especially if your gut is telling you to beware! I don't care if I get flamed for it, I totally adore dogs but my baby/child is not getting near any without my supervision, especially large or powerful breeds.

SilverBangle · 29/10/2020 03:29

I am not dictating to MIL who she has in her home, I just dont want a large unfamiliar dog near my son in a confined space in the few days she is looking after him. Is that really unreasonable to ask

You are dictating who your MIL can have in her home. If you don’t like what she does in her own home then it’s time to stop the free babysitting service and stump up for a child minder or nursery.

I have my grandchildren for my dd and her partner to work. I wouldnt appreciate them telling me who I can and can’t have in my own home.

custardbear · 29/10/2020 03:40

Personally I don't think YBU. Whilst many dogs are ok, it's not obvious which aren't ok, and lets face it, after the event it's too late. You or your DH weren't there so you couldn't have had that control to be able to have your child safely looked after. Your MIL put her visitor and dog before your request to keep your son away from dogs.

Personally, I'd be getting my DH to have very firm words with her, no dog, and if she can't do this small thing then your son won't be visiting alone again.

As for your child growing up not liking dogs, you can manage this in more controlled circumstances - not when your MIL decides it's ok, but when you and your DH are in a positive place with the dog and in control, big difference. Perhaps if you yourself had this respect placed upon you, your scary doc incident wouldn't have scarred you!

custardbear · 29/10/2020 03:45

@PlanDeRaccordement - sorry but you're wrong here - the child is a child, that child deserves to be looked after. You wouldn't lend a car to a friend or relative and expect that they do wherever they want in it, you treat it with the respect that you'd expect them to treat it with, this goes infinitely more with a small human - it's called respect

Blueberries0112 · 29/10/2020 03:51

Btw, I am a huge dog lover. But when it come to my children, I rather if I was there before I let my child near other people’s dogs. I like to see their temperament and make sure nothing goes wrong . Babies and little children love to pull dogs’ tails , get in their face and other things. You don’t know how they will react and there is nothing you can do about it because you are not there.

Coyoacan · 29/10/2020 03:56

You are dictating who your MIL can have in her home. If you don’t like what she does in her own home then it’s time to stop the free babysitting service and stump up for a child minder or nursery

This

Not only are grandmothers supposed to be there to help with the grandchildren but we are also supposed to put up with these humilliating rules.

The dog was supervised as was the child. If you are so scared of anything ever happening to your child, OP, don't ever transport him in a vehicle.

custardbear · 29/10/2020 04:03

@Coyoacan - it's not humiliating rules, it's parents trying to keep their child away from a dog, perhaps the GP is a bit flaky you never know, hence the request. Whilst the GP isn't quite the same as a CM or nursery, them respecting some boundaries regarding safety issues that have proven to have had both fatal and life changing outcomes for children, and not just one offs, it's not unreasonable that the GP is respectful of their parental requests.

Coyoacan · 29/10/2020 04:20

Honestly @custardbear, at no point has the OP said that this dog is known to be dangerous and we know from her description that the toddler and dog were not allowed near each other.

Please don't make that dogs are always attacking toddlers. I wasn't born yesterday.

TabithaMeow · 29/10/2020 04:38

I think you are overreacting, quite a lot, sorry. Your son was on your MIL's lap, the dog could not have hurt him, and your MIL explained immediately what had happened. MIL was very responsible in the situation and while you might be terrified of dogs, in this situation, the dog was no risk to your son. I think you would cause so much pain and conflict were you to press this matter further - punishing someone for acting safely and responsibly in an unforseen event where no harm was done, is very unreasonable, I am afraid.

custardbear · 29/10/2020 04:56

@Coyoacan I didn't suggest dogs are always attacking toddlers, but it happens quite regularly, you can't deny that.
There is a risk, the parents wishes for risk reduction or avoidance boundaries shouldn't be ignored by the GP. Too many 'what if's' and it's not the GP child, where they have to make a judgment call, the parents have already made that judgment call, the GP needs to respect that, not ignore, and put others before the trust of their DS and DIL. The GP crossed a boundary and that's potentially a mistake that may cost her dearly in the trust stakes

custardbear · 29/10/2020 04:59

@TabithaMeow - is it not more reasonable that the GP asked the visitor to put the dog on the lead/on the garden/car? Or does that dog/visitors behaviours come before the parents and child's concerns?

SilverBangle · 29/10/2020 05:09

@custardbear

When OP handed her child into her MIL’s care surely she was confident her child would be well cared for. There is nothing in the OP to say the child wasn’t afforded quality care.

If OP now doesn’t trust the grandparent to not have visitors whilst she is performing her child care “duties”, despite there being no negative incident, she is free to pay for childcare or look after her child herself. Her MIL shouldn’t have to put up with unreasonable demands and criticism. Just because OP doesn’t know the dogs temperament that doesn’t mean her MIL didn’t.

Either OP is confident that the child is being properly cared for and supervised or she isn’t. If she isn’t she shouldn’t have left a young child with someone she deemed not up to the job in the first place!

Floatyboat · 29/10/2020 05:17

Yanbu. Those are horrible dogs, I don't understand why anyone would want one.

supersonicginandtonic · 29/10/2020 05:18

OP I suggest you get yourself some help with your anxiety over dogs. You will pass on this fear to your son which isn't fair and it will affect him in his life.
You should also stop googling because if you google any breed you can find stories where it's bitten or attacked.
Also if you don't want your MIL doing things you don't agree with, pay for your own bloody childcare.

custardbear · 29/10/2020 05:19

@SilverBangle - sorry, I didn't realise parents had to wait til there was an incident before they could make a safety request 🙄

LaBellina · 29/10/2020 05:20

I think YANBU.

I also wouldn't like these type of dogs around my DC and you made it clear from the beginning that having the dog around your DS was not on. She could have said no to babysitting your DC if she knew the dog was coming over. I doubt the visit wasnt planned since the relative knew your DS was there because they brought him a gift. It was her job to communicate that the dog couldn't come because she had agreed to keep it away from your child. If she can not respect your boundaries, I would not let her have alone time with your DS at her home anymore.

SilverBangle · 29/10/2020 05:35

@SilverBangle - sorry, I didn't realise parents had to wait til there was an incident before they could make a safety request

There was no incident. Either OP trusts her MIL to provide the child with quality care, supervision and prioritise his safety or she doesn’t. If she doesn’t she is free to look after her own child. I’m sure with her child being 3 years old she considers herself the more capable carer. Despite the fact her MIL has raised at least one child to adulthood.

There you go the ball is in OP’s court.