AIBU to not let DS stayover at MILs after this -dog concerns

[TheMILinatorReturns]

Name changed Sorry Long rant...
Half term, MIL kindly agreed to look after 3YO DS...all going well, photos of fun activities etc and grateful of the help. Then I get a phone call to say she's confessing she has allowed a relative to bring her staffordshire bull terrier into the house with DS present which is something DH told her specifically not to do. I'm guessing she had to 'confess' because DS would have told me anyway...

I'm pretty livid because I don't trust dogs, especially the big ones around my small child and particularly ones I have never met myself. I know I will get flamed for this by diehard dog lovers but to me dogs are animals and can easily flip when under stress, small children and dogs together are (IMHO) an unpredictable mix and an unnecessary risk I wanted to avoid with our child. Also she has not respected my wishes by allowing this (she has past form for this).

Another point is this particular breed doesn't have a great reputation, they are powerful muscular dogs and there are a lot of children according to news channels who have been killed or left with life changing injuries in this country alone. I have actually had a bad experience with one myself when I had to do a home visit and was knocked to the ground and had it not been wearing a muzzle I am not sure what would have happened but that's another story.

Granted I am sure the majority of these dogs are lovely pets and great around kids but.... I was not comfortable with this and DH communicated it to MIL, I never thought she would go ahead anyway. She has apologised says it was an 'accident' she 'thought it was a delivery' and the dog just came running in. This says to me it was out of control for one, surely it should have been on a lead on the street outside...? She says she held DS on her lap whilst the relative sat across the room with the dog and it was 'only five minutes' and the relative had come with a present for DS (his birthday soon). I suppose it is good she has admitted it and apologised but to be honest I think she is trying to minimise it and I don't know why she didn't just say 'please will you take the dog away whilst my grandson is here'. She could even have blamed it on me and said my crazy DIL wont let me have dogs in the house whilst I have my grandson here, I wouldn't have cared. To me she has prioritised the relatives feelings over my sons safety. This is really difficult for me because on the one hand I feel everyone will think I am overreacting but on the other had something gone wrong and the dog got jealous (it often stays with MIL apparently) and bitten DS... it just doesn't bear thinking about. Trying to put this into perspective as nothing actually happened (and I will probably be accused of PFBS) but the fact is she knew our wishes, WHY then allow this to happen, I just don't get it? It was the only rule we lay down, didn't even say don't feed him up with sweets and chocolate (which she always does) because we realise this is a grandparent thing. Part of me wonders if she is trying to push my buttons on purpose as she has been difficult over other issues in the past (she can be quite overbearing and manipulative - I never thought spiteful though). She called me up on video call to 'confess' and I wonder if she wanted to witness my reaction. I really want DS to see his grandparents but I am going to sit worrying about this bloody dog being near him now if I send him back there to stayover and that I cannot trust MIL to do as we have asked. AIBU to tell MIL she can see DS but only at our house or at hers when we are there and no more staying over? DH will support this. However I don't want to be accused by SIL and other family members of keeping MIL away from DS...what to do?!

Why on earth did the dog need to be there anyway? Surely if the visit was only 5 minutes as mil insists the dog could have stayed home while the owner popped in? I strongly believe that there is a correlation between owners who will selfishly not be parted from the dog in any circumstance, even while visiting others in their own homes, and animals who are treated as spoiled babies rather than the pets that they are and allowed to do exactly as they please.

Some dogs have severe separation anxiety and cannot be left alone whilst their owners work on it. They can become very destructive, noisy, and can also self mutilate. Its not always a case of animals being 'spoiled'.

I understand this but unfortunately life goes on. How on earth do you work if you can’t manage to leave a pet at all? Sometimes you have to make arrangements such as doggy day care or similar and that should have been the case here, when op had made clear that the dog was not allowed around her dc.

Did the dog attack, snap, growl at the child? Look at the child? Did the dog go near the child OP? Or are you throwing a wobbly just because you heard there was a dog? Plenty of MNetters have the rage when they see a dog (or in this case hear of a dog being in the same house as PFB) which is confirmed by the number of bonkers anti dog posts on MN

www.rcseng.ac.uk/news-and-events/media-centre/press-releases/be-dog-safe/

Royal college of surgeons paper above about dog bites. Approx 8,000 hospitalisation (so he's enough to be admitted to hospital) per annum over the last three years

Royal college of surgeons paper above about dog bites. Approx 8,000 hospitalisation (so he's enough to be admitted to hospital) per annum over the last three years
Awful of course, but wise to remember that there’s an estimated 9.9 million dogs in the UK.

8,000 bites, most of those will be ‘minor’ bites but requiring stitches, from 9.9 million dogs is still pretty rare..

Its less than 1% of the UK’s estimated dog population.

People should be sensible of course, but the hysteria, the demands of keeping dogs leashed in public, no bull breeds etc is just not warranted.
The vast majority of dogs live their entire life never harming anybody.

I disagree with the 'only stitches' @MrsJunglelow because they wouldn't be an admission, that would just be handled at the GP surgery or in A&E. so 8,000 cases which mean a person has to go, at the very least, into a ward setting for treatment in hospital is far more than simple stitches

I also agree that the vast majority of dogs don't cause problems, it's by far the owners who don't know how to handle or read their dogs, or who just over-humanise their dogs. I've had dogs, can't just now as my DH and I work full time, but some of my dogs in the past have been quite grumpy snippy sometimes as we favoured Yorkshire Terriers which can be bitey as well as family having Scottie dogs, Boxers, west highland terriers, Staffy, Schnauzer and the most placid of all these 10 dogs I'm thinking of was the boxer. A family friend had a small Yorkshire terrier who was a family dog that attacked and killed a Doberman - completely out of the blue.
Sometimes some dogs can be unpredictable, be that due to pain, patience, hormones, temperament or just bad luck. So, if a parents wants that child taken out of that unpredictable situation by not having dogs there, unless they're there to supervise perhaps, that's ok! If the GP didn't want to do this, fine, say no please find someone else as I can't guarantee that, but don't renege on an agreement, particularly when you've been trusted with their most precious thing in the world

She has apologised says it was an 'accident' she 'thought it was a delivery' and the dog just came running in. This says to me it was out of control for one, surely it should have been on a lead on the street outside...? She says she held DS on her lap whilst the relative sat across the room with the dog and it was 'only five minutes' and the relative had come with a present for DS (his birthday soon)
So she did the best she could in an unexpected and awkward situation

I suppose it is good she has admitted it and apologised but to be honest I think she is trying to minimise it and I don't know why she didn't just say 'please will you take the dog away whilst my grandson is here'. She could even have blamed it on me and said my crazy DIL wont let me have dogs in the house whilst I have my grandson here,

It's easy to say that with the benefit of time to think. Your MIL was taken by surprise and didn't have that benefit. We all make regrettable decisions under pressure sometimes. She chose instead to make sure that your DC was safely on her lap and so in no danger. And the relative left with the dog five minutes later.

You are being very unempathetic and over reacting. MIL was honest with you and did her best given how unexpected this all was. She hasn't minimised anything. Give her a break and put it behind you.

You are talking absolute rot! Staffies adore children and the best pets !! They so not just 'turn', stop believing rubbish printed in papers and use your intelligence to do some research!!!

@nicky7654 - you're being just as ridiculous - if you read the thread she's said it's not about the staff, besides not all Staffies are good with children, yes lots are and they're great dogs, but any dog can attack, and staffies, with very muscular jaws, are very difficult to get them to let go if they bite and hold - but again, it's not about the breed it's about the lack of respect foe the parents discussed and agreed boundaries with the GP dealing with the toddler

it’s not fair on your child who needs to understand how to trust animals
Surely children should learn that they shouldn't trust animals, particularly those they don't know..

Fact is I could pick up/restrain a little dog, not a bigger one like an alsation or a rottweiler, mastiff or a staffie

As the owner of a rottweiller (a breed originally used to herd cattle and pull meat wagons but also used for bear baiting) you're wrong. My dangerous dog has been attacked twice by small dogs. Both times my dog cried and ran in circles. Neither time was I able to pick up the dogs or restrain them. Could not get a hold of them, had to get my dog away from them.

Dogs aren't aggressive because of their breed, they're aggressive because of how they're raised. This dog isn't an aggressive dog, you said yourself you've never known it be aggressive. You're scared of its breed.
You cannot teach your child to fear dogs, and it's actually very important that your child learns how to behave around dogs. I reccomend you both talk to a dog trainer who will help you learn how to read dogs body language, they tell you everything, you've just got to use your eyes. And they'll teach you how to respect rather than fear dogs. Your kids at more risk not knowing how to behave towards dogs.

A dog is most likely to attack because you've done something wrong, they dont get a thrill out of it. Some, like the pair that attacked my dog are taught to do it, you teach a dog to sit, to pee outside, to be aggressive. The other dog that attacked did so because he was possessive of his owner who still chose to come over and fuss my dog, so his dog attacked mine. None of the dogs were born that way, the humans involved failed them.
If she'd left them alone together then you'd be right, a young child and dog cant be trusted together, neither can suitably tell the other when they're uncomfortable. But the dogs owner was present, and you haven't given any reason to think that the owner is not a capable dog owner.

I'd be furious and straight over to collect him. I just wouldn't trust anyone else, aside from DH, to supervise my child closely enough with an unknown dog. It only takes a minute of not paying attention for something terrible to happen.

@Propercrimboselecta

Thank you. It would be good if animal behaviour was taught at school. So much animals try to communicate with us!

Personally I think your blanket feelings on dogs are totally incorrect and the rules set are a bit silly BUT they were the set and agreed on rules and to break them is totally unfair.

It is very disrespectful that your wishes were ignored, however I can understand why they feel these rules are crazy.

@vodkaredbullgirl

You will pass your fears on to your child, it was only 5 mins and your mil had hold of their grandchild.

This isn't the point. The point is both parents expressed that they didn't want the dog around the child and their wishes were ignored.

I don't have a fear of dogs myself but I can understand why people don't want them around their children. Especially for safety reasons.

@TheFairyGarden

Did the dog attack, snap, growl at the child? Look at the child? Did the dog go near the child OP? Or are you throwing a wobbly just because you heard there was a dog? Plenty of MNetters have the rage when they see a dog (or in this case hear of a dog being in the same house as PFB) which is confirmed by the number of bonkers anti dog posts on MN

I'm back! The point was I asked for my child not to be put in a situation with an unknown dog whilst he was in the care of someone else. That person decided they knew better and to go against my request. So there should have been no risk of any dog snapping growling or otherwise at my son. I don't think I'm bonkers not to want an unknown animal near my son when he is at an age where he isn't great with animals, even on farm visits I have to really be cautious as he can be so loud can startle animals which would the cause them to nip him. What's wrong with trying to avoid an accident waiting to happen

@MrsSleepyHB

Personally I think your blanket feelings on dogs are totally incorrect and the rules set are a bit silly BUT they were the set and agreed on rules and to break them is totally unfair.

It is very disrespectful that your wishes were ignored, however I can understand why they feel these rules are crazy.

Well touche because personally I feel your desire to have a large unpredictable animal with big teeth that can use them any time it chooses around small children is bonkers but there we are. But I don't go round trying to stop you having a dog so why should I put up with other people trying to force dogs on me and my son when we/he is a safe space? Maybe when he is older we might even get a dog who knows but right now I just think don't want them together in a confined space he is too little and will pull tails etc and rile up a dog and then he'll get bitten (at least)

Interesting reading on AIBU...another post about dogs and in particular a SBT. ..and it goes on about ripping someone a new one because they asked them to control it. Not sure how to link. Is this a coincidence or by daring to mention the breed in my post have I started off some kind of angry chain reaction? I never realised before I posted how contentious an issue dog breeds were. To me a dog is a dog BUT naturally I am more nervous of a bigger dog as something which could over power me or cause more damage if it wanted to and some are bred for biting. Incidentally now have DS back and guess what he tells me he was allowed to stroke the dog etc etc. So either he is lying or the MIL. Either way I'm never going to trust her again, I think she clearly doesn't have enough drama in her life so tries to create it elsewhere. Probably next thing is there will be tittle tattle allover the rest of the family and they'll all hate me. You know what I don't care anymore. I have principles and I stick by them, I'm not going to be walked over by her again. If people think I'm crazy for not wanting someone else's dog I don't know near my son when I'm not around then so be it, I know what feels the right thing for me to do and that is to keep him safe. No dog near him in that situation, no chance of him being bitten it's as simple as that. Why should I risk something I'm not comfortable so as to not hurt other people's feelings? Screw that. If MIL can't be bothered to honour and respect my wishes no matter if they are different from hers then she can get lost, I don't want anything to do with her anymore. She could have had the balls to tell me to my face she thought they were unfair rules but no she went behind my back instead. Who needs friends/family like that!

Screw that. If MIL can't be bothered to honour and respect my wishes no matter if they are different from hers then she can get lost

Crikey! I bet MIL will be most relieved that she doesn’t have to put up with your “wishes” any longer

From personal experience, you can never be too careful. A family member was attacked by a family dog when he was little and before this, the dog was absolutely no threat (or so we thought). It just goes to show even the nicest, calmest dogs can turn and the dog was always around the child... I can completely understand why you didn't want the unknown dog around your child. She is wrong for going against what you'd said x

I wouldn't trust her either. It's different if someone turns up with a pug or St bernard or some other gentle breed.

It's always the same breeds that bite and do a lot of damage. It's not irrational to not want a dangerous breed anywhere near your toddler. Everytime a child's face is ripped off, the owner always claims "but it never bit anyone before..." and everybody pretends that the tragedy couldn't be foreseen.

I wouldn't want it to be my kid and I wouldn't trust anyone who allowed my child in that position.

You're not crazy OP, I would be exactly the same. My dc was bitten by a collie out of the blue, we were on a family walk and she had stopped a little way ahead of us and was waiting for us to catch her up. She was looking back at us and a collie appeared from a path behind her and ran up and sank its teeth in her leg, she hadn't startled it, she was stationary, facing away from it and it was out of view way behind her. I was terrified and too far away to kick the vicious little shit off her. No owner to be seen for at least 2 mins, apparently dog was gentle as a teddy bear and had always been totally trustworthy off a lead and great with kids, she had sutures and a week of antibiotics. I reported him to police and dog warden. I hope the evil animal was pts.

I would still let my child sleep over but I would make it clear that if she can’t respect your wishes as a parent then he will no longer be able to stay over.
Nothing annoys me more than family who think they can overrule you as a parent! They’ve had their time to parent their own way, this is now your time to parent your way and they need to respect this!

YABVU, overreacting, and totally out of order if you're supportive of your DH "telling" his mother that she mustn't have a dog in her own home. How rude!

It should go without saying that an irrational attitude towards dogs does none of you any favours.

Ultimately, if you want to lay down the law regarding childcare, pay for it. Only then can you dictate or choose what and who comes into the person's home.

DryMartini
It isn’t ‘childcare’, the MIL asks to have the child.

Yes, the MIL is fully entitled to choose to have a did run into her house, she just needs to tell her son and the OP that it’s her house and she will let a dog run through the door. Her choice.

Then the OP can make her choice, too.

What the MIL had no business doing is agreeing to a condition that she then breaks, and then lying about it.