AIBU to not let DS stayover at MILs after this -dog concerns

[TheMILinatorReturns]

Name changed Sorry Long rant...
Half term, MIL kindly agreed to look after 3YO DS...all going well, photos of fun activities etc and grateful of the help. Then I get a phone call to say she's confessing she has allowed a relative to bring her staffordshire bull terrier into the house with DS present which is something DH told her specifically not to do. I'm guessing she had to 'confess' because DS would have told me anyway...

I'm pretty livid because I don't trust dogs, especially the big ones around my small child and particularly ones I have never met myself. I know I will get flamed for this by diehard dog lovers but to me dogs are animals and can easily flip when under stress, small children and dogs together are (IMHO) an unpredictable mix and an unnecessary risk I wanted to avoid with our child. Also she has not respected my wishes by allowing this (she has past form for this).

Another point is this particular breed doesn't have a great reputation, they are powerful muscular dogs and there are a lot of children according to news channels who have been killed or left with life changing injuries in this country alone. I have actually had a bad experience with one myself when I had to do a home visit and was knocked to the ground and had it not been wearing a muzzle I am not sure what would have happened but that's another story.

Granted I am sure the majority of these dogs are lovely pets and great around kids but.... I was not comfortable with this and DH communicated it to MIL, I never thought she would go ahead anyway. She has apologised says it was an 'accident' she 'thought it was a delivery' and the dog just came running in. This says to me it was out of control for one, surely it should have been on a lead on the street outside...? She says she held DS on her lap whilst the relative sat across the room with the dog and it was 'only five minutes' and the relative had come with a present for DS (his birthday soon). I suppose it is good she has admitted it and apologised but to be honest I think she is trying to minimise it and I don't know why she didn't just say 'please will you take the dog away whilst my grandson is here'. She could even have blamed it on me and said my crazy DIL wont let me have dogs in the house whilst I have my grandson here, I wouldn't have cared. To me she has prioritised the relatives feelings over my sons safety. This is really difficult for me because on the one hand I feel everyone will think I am overreacting but on the other had something gone wrong and the dog got jealous (it often stays with MIL apparently) and bitten DS... it just doesn't bear thinking about. Trying to put this into perspective as nothing actually happened (and I will probably be accused of PFBS) but the fact is she knew our wishes, WHY then allow this to happen, I just don't get it? It was the only rule we lay down, didn't even say don't feed him up with sweets and chocolate (which she always does) because we realise this is a grandparent thing. Part of me wonders if she is trying to push my buttons on purpose as she has been difficult over other issues in the past (she can be quite overbearing and manipulative - I never thought spiteful though). She called me up on video call to 'confess' and I wonder if she wanted to witness my reaction. I really want DS to see his grandparents but I am going to sit worrying about this bloody dog being near him now if I send him back there to stayover and that I cannot trust MIL to do as we have asked. AIBU to tell MIL she can see DS but only at our house or at hers when we are there and no more staying over? DH will support this. However I don't want to be accused by SIL and other family members of keeping MIL away from DS...what to do?!

I am a dog lover but do agree with you in that kids and dogs shouldn't be left unsupervised and I think you are right in what you say about how the dog may have been stressed/unpredictable in a new noisy situation if not supervised.

However that wasn't what happened and you are getting way too ahead of yourself blowing it out of proportion. I thought your MIL handled it well and the main thing is she was honest with you.

BUT I completely disagree with your bias on staffs. Yes it is true that their bite is stronger but they actually have better temperaments than other breeds. If you research online staffs used to be known as 'nanny dogs' as they would be left with the children. Smaller dog breeds are far more snappy. The media just love to roast a staffy unfortunately

I have a dog. I grew up with them. Because I know how they can behave I would not allow a child of mine (of that age) to be with dogs I don’t know. I’d want to meet the dog & owner first.

I always told my children when small not to pet a strange dog, however small & sweet looking.

The vast majority of staffies are lovely; some aren’t. How are you to know? Yanbu.

@Suzi888

I’m a “die hard dog lover” but I wouldn’t be happy. You communicated your wishes and she ignored them pretty much. She has coughed up and apologised but what about next time? It doesn’t matter what breed the dog is or what scenario we are talking about. Your MIL ignored your wishes, that’s the problem.

I agree with jollypostman, dogs can pick up on fear and it’s important not to pass that on to your child. It doesn’t mean you have to like dogs or be around them if you don’t want to, but it’s just useful to know what to do if a dog turns on you or approaches you.

Yes sorry that was awful terminology. I think I meant devout . Sounds sensible, many animals seem to pick up on fear. I'd probably run and that's probably going to be the worst thing could do.

@DartmoorDoughnut

Got ya. I'm just always interested in learning new things about dogs! And all animals really. I think they have lots of feelings too.

I would not leave a child alone with a dog, but as long as they were not left alone I think yabu.

@Gladysthesphinx

I have a dog. I grew up with them. Because I know how they can behave I would not allow a child of mine (of that age) to be with dogs I don’t know. I’d want to meet the dog & owner first.

I always told my children when small not to pet a strange dog, however small & sweet looking.

The vast majority of staffies are lovely; some aren’t. How are you to know? Yanbu.

Yep this was my fear. You cannot tell what temperament a dog has from a distance. and I haven't met this one, I know it doesn't live with children so not sure what exposure it has or how it would react.

'We said WE DO NOT WANT THE DOG IN THE HOUSE NEAR OUR SON AT ALL.'

Ok the more I read OP the more I think you are massively being unreasonable.

There are going to be times in your child's life where random dogs run up to him. On walks, in parks etc. You cannot stop every random dog in the world approaching your child.

I wouldn’t allow my children to be in the house with a dog of that breed. No way

It’s a staffie. Which generally have a reputation for being “nanny dogs”, one of the best to have around families.

Yes they are strong. But easily managed, as on this occasion.

Not having a dog in the same house as a child? Are you going to question every party and playdate invite and refuse if there is a dog?

Huge over reaction.

www.hillspet.com/dog-care/dog-breeds/staffordshire-bull-terrier#:~:text=Personality%3A,the%20look%20out%20for%20fun.
Staffies are also called 'nanny dogs' due to their gentle nature with children.

@gingerbreadfox

'We said WE DO NOT WANT THE DOG IN THE HOUSE NEAR OUR SON AT ALL.'

Ok the more I read OP the more I think you are massively being unreasonable.

There are going to be times in your child's life where random dogs run up to him. On walks, in parks etc. You cannot stop every random dog in the world approaching your child.

Yes I accept what you are saying in a PARK. But this wasn't in a park it was in a confined indoor place when I had asked beforehand for him not to meet this dog with me not around.

Also surely if you are a good dog owner you keep your dog on a lead and don't let it approach children you/it doesn't know? And you train your dog to be respectful and not jump up and not bother people whether on or off a lead? And if you have a dog of any type/size which has ever turned on anyone or even another animal you muzzle it when outside. I do see people doing this but many who don't.

And if you have a dog of any type/size which has ever turned on anyone or even another animal you muzzle it when outside. I do see people doing this but many who don't

“Many who don’t” what? Muzzle their dogs? Are you assuming all dogs have a history of attacking people?

You do realise the vast majority of dogs have never “turned on” anyone or anything? All those dogs you see not muzzled aren’t because they don’t need to be.

And tbh, all the dogs I know that are muzzled are either dogs that will eat anything they find, so for their own safety, or because they are ex greyhounds that will chase small furries.

YABU for your comment about staffies especially. They’re lovely dogs when raised correctly.

YANBU for being pissed off that your wishes were ignored.

@fairydustandpixies

https://www.hillspet.com/dog-care/dog-breeds/staffordshire-bull-terrier#:~:text=Personality%3A,the%20look%20out%20for%20fun. Staffies are also called 'nanny dogs' due to their gentle nature with children.

Clicked on your link

"History:
Like all the bull breeds, the Staffordshire bull terrier can trace its heritage back to the ancient Molossian war dogs of the Greeks. The Mollossians in turn gave rise to the great Mastiffs of Europe, and then to the family of dogs bred to bait bulls and other animals"

I had to look up what bull baiting was and according to WIKI:

"During bull-baiting, the dog would attempt to flatten itself to the ground, creeping as close to the bull as possible, then darting out and attempting to bite the bull in the nose or head area. The bull would often be tethered by a collar and rope, which were staked into the ground"

So they were bred to bite a defenceless animal larger than themselves in the head. Doesn't exactly inspire confidence or help your case does it? When looking for a definition of a nanny I don't think it is 'person useful in bloodsports'

So they were bred to bite a defenceless animal larger than themselves in the head. Doesn't exactly inspire confidence or help your case does it? When looking for a definition of a nanny I don't think it is 'person useful in bloodsports
🤦🏻‍♀️
You do realise that dogs are predatory animals right...?
That they hunt in packs and bring down animals larger than themselves..?
Most dogs exhibit predatory interest to some degree.
Chasing a ball is predatory behaviour!
Why do think dogs like to chase so much?

@bluebluezoo

And if you have a dog of any type/size which has ever turned on anyone or even another animal you muzzle it when outside. I do see people doing this but many who don't

“Many who don’t” what? Muzzle their dogs? Are you assuming all dogs have a history of attacking people?

You do realise the vast majority of dogs have never “turned on” anyone or anything? All those dogs you see not muzzled aren’t because they don’t need to be.

And tbh, all the dogs I know that are muzzled are either dogs that will eat anything they find, so for their own safety, or because they are ex greyhounds that will chase small furries.

ER no I am not saying muzzle all dogs I am saying if your dog is known to bites/ attack people or other animals then put a muzzle on it when near other people. Wow this got out of hand I have no idea I don't own one but seems to be common sense surely?

**chase cats that meant to say. I’ll tell you why.
Because they are predators and like other predators they are excited by small, fast moving creatures and want to chase them and a significant proportion, of all different breeds, will go the whole hog and catch and kill the cat.

I think YABU. Your MIL kept your child on her lap, and who says the dog was let anywhere near her. I was scared of dogs as a child, but love them now. I had to train my child not to panic or scream when dogs came near her, as I knew this could scare a dog, and it wouldn’t be their fault if they lashed out in fear. So I purposely introduced her safely to dogs, and she’s seven now and knows how to act around them. My friends have two Stafford who adore her, and they are the cuddliest, friendliest, mild mannered dogs I have ever met. My daughter is never unsupervised with them, and I know she will react calmly and appropriately to other dogs. Don’t let you child grow up with a fear of them. And don’t judge Staffes so badly either. Beautiful dogs.

YABU.

She hasn't intentionally invited the entire dog park round to her house and sat your son in the middle of the floor with a bone tied around his neck as a bowtie and dressed him in a onesie that says 'bon apetite'

She notified you as soon as she could, she kept your son on her lap safely away from the dog. She knows the dog, as you said she's looked after it before, so is more capable than you of judging it's temperament, tolerance and warning signs.

If the owner of the dog knows about your bizarre rules then they were unreasonable to pop in with the dog if they knew your son was there, but your MIL did nothing wrong.

It sounds like you do know the dog as you said you specifically didn't want this dog? Is this dog a frequent visitor? Does she always have dogs around?

What does your DH think? Does he just want a quiet life?

I do think for your own life enjoyment, you need to look at your thoughts on dogs. This fear is so strong it is /will definitely impacting your sons comfort around dogs. After this lockdown there will be dogs everywhere!

I have 3 dogs. DD (9 months) loves dogs.

I think your MIL did the right thing by telling you straight away, it does sound like it was out of her control, however I would not want my DD around any dog I didn't know.

ER no I am not saying muzzle all dogs I am saying if your dog is known to bites/ attack people or other animals then put a muzzle on it when near other people
I didn’t see any posts from you stating the relatives dog had attacked anyone?
Did I miss it?!
The vast majority of owners with aggressive dogs DO muzzle them.
The police can have their dogs PTS if they know it poses a risk and don’t muzzle and leash it.

And animal aggression is entirely different.
Dogs are predators, no different to cats.
Cats kill mice and no one worries they will go on to kill a child.
Same with dogs.

Honestly.
I was very much with you at first, staffy prejudice aside, but I’m afraid your last few posts are hysterical and silly.

@MrsJunglelow

**chase cats that meant to say. I’ll tell you why. Because they are predators and like other predators they are excited by small, fast moving creatures and want to chase them and a significant proportion, of all different breeds, will go the whole hog and catch and kill the cat.

Eurgh my cat was quite possible killed by a Bordeaux. He was incredibly stupid though and used to walk along the fence near the garden it lived in almost egging it on. That said I don't think he deserved to be ripped apart for his crime of walking along a fence. And yes I realise cats kill birds too (but at least I used to have a collar with a bell to try and give fair warning). I will never know if that is what actually happened but owner was very sheepish around me. Aren't children also small fast moving creatures to a big dog?

@MrsJunglelow

**chase cats that meant to say. I’ll tell you why. Because they are predators and like other predators they are excited by small, fast moving creatures and want to chase them and a significant proportion, of all different breeds, will go the whole hog and catch and kill the cat.

Any responsible dog owner should do everything possible to prevent their dog from killing a cat. That’s a really awful way to lose a pet. I am a cat and a dog owner, and I love them both equally

Sunnydaysstillhere, it's not about not trusting the mil. What could she possibly have done if the dog had attacked the dc? Op doesnt want strange powerful dogs around her dc, if mil cannot abide by this op finds childcare elsewhere. YANBU op. All dogs are reportedly 'soft as a teddy' 'more likely to lick you to death' but some still attack and you never know which will.

YANBU in my opinion. I wouldn't want my child in that situation and would be very angry.

My in-laws have a bad tempered, snappy terrier, which they refuse to put upstairs if we visit, and as a result neither of our children have ever set foot in their house in five years.