To suggest to DH that we draw up a declaration of trust?

[Gimmeashake]

Hello all. Bit of background: my Ddad died earlier this year and left my brother and I a significant sum each. We couldn't believe it - never had anything like this sum in our lives. Anyway, I want to use some of it to pay off the help to buy loan my DH and I took out when we bought our house. I'll also put some of the remainder on to the mortgage to try and pay it off earlier. My friend suggested I request a DoT to protect this money should DH and I ever separate. I have said as much to my DH and I think he's very offended. I have made it clear that it's only because it's my dad's money and wouldn't seem right if he - for example - left, had another family (he's ten years younger than me so impossible for me but not him!) and to have 50k of my dad's money. We have one D.C. together too so I'm thinking of her future as well. He said he should therefore do the same to protect any money he makes from his entrepreneurial side ventures. I actually think it's not quite the same - I earn more than him and don't have any issue with sharing my earnings (I pay for all holidays and luxuries, house stuff and so on). I don't think he'd admit he was offended but I can tell I can understand this might be hurtful but I just thought it sensible. My dbro has zero intention of doing the same with his partner. Aibu? I can take it!

Something else to consider....

Will this money make a difference to how you live, either now or in the future? Because if it is protected from your dh, then he has to act as if it wasn’t there.

What I mean is, possibly in the future you could afford to retire earlier or have more holidays because of the security of this inheritance, or reduce your working hours because of the income from a rental property. He can’t make that assumption. He will have to work more and longer than you to have the same retirement, even if you are still together. Otherwise if you leave him he will be struggling.

By all means put it into trust for your child, but if you keep it separate from him he will not be able to share the same lifestyle as you. To me this would be a massive problem in a marriage.

Inheritance nearly ripped my marriage apart. I did post about it at the time. DH inherited around £75k and his way of telling me was that I wouldn’t get a penny of it if I left, and then over two years proceeded to whittle away at it so there was none left and we have nothing to show for it. We could have been mortgage free. I never wanted it for me, but I did want to know it was safeguarded for DD. If he’d just been open to a conversation about that, we’d be in a very different situation right now so I think you need to frame this as future proofing for your kids in the very unlikely situation that your marriage ends.

Also heartening to hear many of you say you truly feel you are a partnership and can completely trust your partner.

Ah, now.

We are definitely a partnership and as long as we are together, what's mine is his and what's his is mine. When we met we were both penniless and chaotic and for various reasons had moved in together within six weeks of our first date, and the only way that could work was to be one pot from the very beginning. I doubt that's 'normal' and I doubt that's something many people would be comfortable with. But it worked for us, it always has.

But completely trust? I can't completely trust anyone. I am as sure as I can be that DH won't leave me/ have an affair/ misuse what money we have, etc. But I'm aware there are no guarantees in life. I don't think he will and have no desire to behave as if he will, but complete trust is not a thing for me.

@Gimmeashake

I'm also sorry to hear how many people have been so betrayed when they believed they could trust their spouse. Also heartening to hear many of you say you truly feel you are a partnership and can completely trust your partner.

See, this is the thing. I 100% trust my husband. I would not trust the man I was divorcing, if we did split.

Luckily, in our case, we were young and broke getting married so everything would be pretty clear-cut if we were ever to divorce. Everything we have has been accumulated during the marriage, including inheritances and related gifts on both sides. Neither of us has had our earning potential slashed due to childcare responsibilities so we’re on very level footing.

I utterly adore my husband and am pretty confident that the feeling is mutual. That said, if he cheated on me and we split up, I can guarantee you that I would go out of my way to not make it easy for him.

The person you marry and the person you divorce are not the same person.

It’s naive of anyone to think otherwise.

I 'completely trust' my DH but I am also aware that things change and people do stupid things etc. I can only count on myself not!

But I'm relation to money. I'm married and part of that was joining our assets together so I simply would not cut him out of my inheritance. If we were to divorce a year after getting it and he took half, it would sick but I wouldn't wish I'd protected the money because we were married when I got it.

I maybe dont feel so strongly about this because firstly my marriage means more to me than the money and more importantly, I can easily be financially independent if the shit hit the fan. I never wanted to entre a marriage and be financially dependent on my partner. So any inheritance I get is automatically ours as a couple.

Definitely keep it separate I was almost stiffed when I got divorced and almost lost the lot. You can't trust your DH or anyone.
Someone close to me got married and her husband spent all of her million pound inheritance before pissing off with a younger woman.

It would be family money in our household.

If you dont completely trust the other person and don’t want to risk having to share your assets don’t get married in the first place.

Why don’t you ask your husband if you can give the money straight to your kids. It’s a nice positive way to ensure your Dads money stays in the family.

FWIW All the money that I’d go5 from inheritances has been family money.

@MsTSwift I think it's more about being practical than trust.

I had a elderly relative whose wife died and he remarried while still grieving really (probably should have waited). His second wife wasn't a particularly nice person and when my relative died, his two sons from the first marriage didn't inherit anything. I don't know all the legal details, but she got everything and I presume ensured that her own children (from another relationship) would eventually benefit.

You can't predict the future so if you have strong feelings about how money should be used, you need to plan carefully.

@MsTSwift

If you dont completely trust the other person and don’t want to risk having to share your assets don’t get married in the first place.

This is ridiculous. I've married twice and fully intended to be with both men until I died. Clearly that wasn't the case in my first marriage as otherwise I'd be a bigamist.

I don't completely trust anyone. Well, maybe my mum. She's been my dive buddy and I genuinely think she'd give me her tank if mine failed!

Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

I still think I'd put the money in the shared pot and hopefully if I divorced I'd feel that the life I'd shared and the money I put in was worth it even if the marriage wasn't forever. That's hard to do if there is an affair!

The problem is the law in this country does not really allow you to unilaterally decide your assets are not on the table in a divorce. It’s on a case by case basis but you can’t take action to squirrel away your assets in a long marriage. If you really don’t want to share don’t marry.

You can set up accounts like a Junior ISA for your children, though. I mentioned earlier in the thread that DH and I have done that for our children. They'll have that money regardless of what DH and I do in the future.