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AIBU?

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Original poster

To suggest to DH that we draw up a declaration of trust?

213 replies

Gimmeashake · 28/10/2020 11:58

Hello all. Bit of background: my Ddad died earlier this year and left my brother and I a significant sum each. We couldn't believe it - never had anything like this sum in our lives. Anyway, I want to use some of it to pay off the help to buy loan my DH and I took out when we bought our house. I'll also put some of the remainder on to the mortgage to try and pay it off earlier. My friend suggested I request a DoT to protect this money should DH and I ever separate. I have said as much to my DH and I think he's very offended. I have made it clear that it's only because it's my dad's money and wouldn't seem right if he - for example - left, had another family (he's ten years younger than me so impossible for me but not him!) and to have 50k of my dad's money. We have one D.C. together too so I'm thinking of her future as well. He said he should therefore do the same to protect any money he makes from his entrepreneurial side ventures. I actually think it's not quite the same - I earn more than him and don't have any issue with sharing my earnings (I pay for all holidays and luxuries, house stuff and so on). I don't think he'd admit he was offended but I can tell SmileI can understand this might be hurtful but I just thought it sensible. My dbro has zero intention of doing the same with his partner. Aibu? I can take it!

OP posts:
slidingdrawers · 28/10/2020 12:34

I think it's sensible to safeguard your DC if you intend for part of the inheritance to ultimately pass onto them. I'm afraid I have seen DC disinherited from 'family' money which went against their explicit wishes (never formalised by trust or will). She trusted her DH to do the right thing after she passed away, he didn't.

Love51 · 28/10/2020 12:34

I think people are losing sight of the fact that you want to make his house less his. If DH wanted to ringfence his inheritance I'd get over it, but our house is ours, there is no way I'd accept it being more his than mine (or vice versa).
The apparently British obsession with home ownership is strong in both of us though. Both sets of parents got out of difficulty by selling the family home.
So my pov is you can keep your inheritance if you must but then you can't put it in the house.

MakingShapes · 28/10/2020 12:36

In my opinion, YABU and I'd be very offended if DH did this. If you're planning for your divorce during your marriage then I don't want to be married to you. I feel very sorry for DH - and I hope he comes into a lot of money and keeps it all away from you. Would you be ok with that? For the record, the friend is trying to cause trouble and your declaration of trust doesn't make any difference when you get divorced - in fact, it may well make a judge like you less.

HappyDinosaur · 28/10/2020 12:37

I suppose you need to look at it both ways,.how would you feel if he did this to you? I'd be upset personally as I see us as a team and we share everything. It depends on your individual circumstances, do you believe you will grow old together or not?

timeisnotaline · 28/10/2020 12:38

It’s family money. Sarahandquacks thinking isn’t correct for most people - inheritances are left to children or relatives fully expecting the spouses to share. No one, least of all their now dead parents would consider my parents anything but a forever couple but dads mums will was to her children and mums dads to his children, Knowing and expecting it all to be shared, just as my parents passed some to me, and would have been quite disappointed in me if I, married with children, regarded it as mine not ours. Most wills would only specifically name a married in if the spouse had died.
I would consider my marriage forever damaged if dh did this to me, and would never do it to him.

Candyfloss99 · 28/10/2020 12:39

If you don't presume you'll be together forever why on earth did you marry him?

doctorhamster · 28/10/2020 12:42

I'm sure I've read on here previously that inheritance isn't treated in the same way as other assets if you divorce. I have no idea whether that's true or not, but it's worth getting some proper legal advice in case what you're proposing isn't actually necessary.

mamangelo · 28/10/2020 12:42

I don’t understand this at all OP as you are married... ‘all that I have I share with you’?!?! You inherited this money whilst married so half of it is his. Pretty sure legally anyhow this is true Halloween Confused

MotherOfCrocodiles · 28/10/2020 12:42

OP is definitely not being selfish, she is using the money to benefit the family. Her DH will pay less mortgage interest because of her putting the inheritance against the mortgage.

What would be selfish (but some would say reasonable) would be to keep the money out of your house and spend it only on you. For example better car, nose job. What if OP used it to pay off credit cards from before her marriage, or a student loan? People would probably think that was fine but it's actually more selfish than putting it on the house which benefits DH too. The DoT only makes any difference if you split.

FromageRay · 28/10/2020 12:42

Why on earth did you get married to a man you weren't prepared to share things with equally?

We had a DoT drawn up when we bought our first house but we had only been together 2 years, weren't married and had no children. I would question DH's intentions if he suggested one now.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/10/2020 12:44

@araiwa

If you are female- you'd be sensible, prudent, safeguarding your and your child's future.

If you're male. It's not your money,it's family money, you're a selfish arse,depriving your family and financially abusive

Spot on. That’s exactly how money is seen by many.

I’m with him, all money joint or all separate and 50/50 on bills. You don’t want him to keep his own money but want to do that yourself. That’s the bit there’s likely an issue with. He may decide the lack of trust is not worth the relationship.

I wouldn’t want my DHs family inheritance should he get one nor would I ever make claim on it in future but appreciate not everyone thinks that way so they would want to protect it.

I’m am all for pre nups etc but I would expect to keep all my own earnings and just pay my share of bills if that were the case.

BathtubGin · 28/10/2020 12:45

Too late, you were married when you inherited and so it is joint money.

DeciduousPerennial · 28/10/2020 12:45

If you want to keep that money as solely yours then you need to do so by not contributing to a joint asset. Paying down part of the mortgage muddies the waters and makes it joint money. Find something else to do with it.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/10/2020 12:48

@TrustTheGeneGenie

But *@FizzyGreenWater* men are also a lot less likely to keep the family home and usually walk away with less than their fair share.
Their 'fair share'? Do you mean 50%? Because if there are children, and those children need to be housed, then 50% is very much not what one single person should expect to take as their fair share of the family home. Especially not, as pointed out above, when they are the ones who then have the flexibility both to house themselves cheaply while at the same time powering ahead with their earning power and quickly build assets back up, while the one left housing the children often has literally zero option other than staying exactly where they are.
Happyspud · 28/10/2020 12:48

It's your family's money. I couldn't imagine being in a relationship where protecting inheritance for just me was a consideration. Marriages break up and he would be entitled, as your husband, to half of everything. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Frazzled13 · 28/10/2020 12:49

I personally wouldn’t do this, I’d view it as family money. But that’s really neither here nor there, as I don’t think there’s a specifically wrong or right way to deal with it.

I think you have to really honestly say whether you’d be happy with him doing the same if he got a large inheritance.

Bollss · 28/10/2020 12:50

@FizzyGreenWater

Every circumstance is different I don't think there is a standard % which is fair for everyone. You obviously have a very dim view of how capable women are though. Ugh.

MaudHatter · 28/10/2020 12:52

Keep 6-12 months money aside as your rainy day fund . Pay the rest into your mortgage . I wouldn’t be married to someone I didn’t think I’d be with forever . You don’t need a holiday or a new car !

SabrinaSalem · 28/10/2020 12:53

Sounds sensible to me, and if it was the other way round I'd be fine with my DP doing the same thing. I'd get the benefit of the money while we're together in the form of lower mortgage repayments, bigger, nicer house etc - which I hope will be forever. However, if we did split up I don't see why I'm entitled to such a significant sum of money that was left to him specifically not us as a couple.

We already have a DoT on our house because we contributed different sums to the deposit.

Italiangreyhound · 28/10/2020 12:54

I am very sorry for your loss.

re - the money, it's very tricky. I can see it both ways.

" I certainly don't assume we will be together forever though, i don't want to be naive." Do you think you will not stay together?

Whatever you do, I hope it is all fine. Don't let this bit of good news at the inheritance completely obscure the fact you may still be grieving the loss of your dad. XXX

If you protect you inheritance, and he protects his enterprise, do you then protect your higher income? it's all very complicated but you are right to at least consider this.

FizzyGreenWater · 28/10/2020 12:55

[quote TrustTheGeneGenie]@FizzyGreenWater

Every circumstance is different I don't think there is a standard % which is fair for everyone. You obviously have a very dim view of how capable women are though. Ugh.[/quote]
No. I don't.

HyacynthBucket · 28/10/2020 12:56

Go to a solicitor and ask their advice on leaving the money for your child in trust to safeguard your DC's future. You could tell your DH that this would be to protect your child rather than hint that he should not get it if your split or he remarries.

Bollss · 28/10/2020 12:57

You quite obviously do. Women with kids have no choice but to stay put? Load of old shite. Not all of us give up our careers. Also saying men can house themselves easier how is that when they no longer have a family home, sometimes don't get any money out of it and then need to rent or buy a house of an equal size nearby so they can still see their children?

Pyewhacket · 28/10/2020 13:00

@araiwa

If you are female- you'd be sensible, prudent, safeguarding your and your child's future.

If you're male. It's not your money,it's family money, you're a selfish arse,depriving your family and financially abusive

MN in a nutshell. Made me laugh.
Thehop · 28/10/2020 13:00

Don’t pay it into a shared home. Too messy.

Buy a flat to rent out (perhaps with a small mortgage?) or put in trust for your dc

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