To suggest to DH that we draw up a declaration of trust?

[Gimmeashake]

Hello all. Bit of background: my Ddad died earlier this year and left my brother and I a significant sum each. We couldn't believe it - never had anything like this sum in our lives. Anyway, I want to use some of it to pay off the help to buy loan my DH and I took out when we bought our house. I'll also put some of the remainder on to the mortgage to try and pay it off earlier. My friend suggested I request a DoT to protect this money should DH and I ever separate. I have said as much to my DH and I think he's very offended. I have made it clear that it's only because it's my dad's money and wouldn't seem right if he - for example - left, had another family (he's ten years younger than me so impossible for me but not him!) and to have 50k of my dad's money. We have one D.C. together too so I'm thinking of her future as well. He said he should therefore do the same to protect any money he makes from his entrepreneurial side ventures. I actually think it's not quite the same - I earn more than him and don't have any issue with sharing my earnings (I pay for all holidays and luxuries, house stuff and so on). I don't think he'd admit he was offended but I can tell I can understand this might be hurtful but I just thought it sensible. My dbro has zero intention of doing the same with his partner. Aibu? I can take it!

I’m in a similar situation, although my dad died 3 months before I got married last year, and my DC is due in the next two weeks. My DF was diagnosed with cancer only a couple of months after I met my now-DH.

I inherited a chunk of money. Some went towards DH and I buying our first house. We pay the mortgage equally, he put in what he could afford, I put in about 50% more than that. I see that money as is setting up our home together. The extra I put in means that our joint mortgage is more affordable overall. It’s nice to be comfortable.

The rest of the money... I am putting half towards my pension. My DH has a much more generous pension than I do. The rest, I am unsure what to do with. My DH doesn’t see it as “his” money, it is mine. I need to draw up a will for when DC is born. If I had no intentions for children, then most of this money I would want to go back to my DSis.... until maybe a few more years into marriage and I’d change the will for it to split with DH. It’s a funny one.... the money inherited is so intensely family related that it feels like if I were to be hit by a bus tomorrow and no children, then DSis should get my share back again. It’s too soon since DF died for it to seem right that the intensely “family” money would all go to DH when we’ve been married a year, and my sister has been my sister for 32.

I guess what I’m saying is that it’s incredibly personal. Try and find a balance between family pot and increasing your financial security (and that of your DC) for the long road ahead.

Why are you putting your "friend"s opinion ahead of your husbands?

Marriage/partnership relies on mutual trust, kindness and generosity. It takes YEARS to build that mutual confidence and support.

You're giving him the message that you won't share your windfall because you don't trust him. You don't have confidence in his lifetime commitment, or your own. You think in the future he might move on and if he does he'll cheat you, do you down.

IF that's how you see your marriage, take your inheritance and run.

Otherwise, its time to show him YOU are totally committed to a lifetime together.

I can see both sides OP.

My friend inherited a significant amount Shortly after getting married. She had some sort of legal agreement put in place that the inheritance was to remain hers in a divorce. Thank goodness she did, as her husband turned out to be in thousands of debt and generally a rubbish husband, so by doing this she protected herself.

DH is likely to inherit a lot from his parents, (as will DS): I’m likely to inherit a very small amount from my mum (and the bill for the funeral for my dad ). I’ve been married 15 years, and if DH wanted a deed of trust, I would be so hurt.

[quote TrustTheGeneGenie]@FizzyGreenWater

Every circumstance is different I don't think there is a standard % which is fair for everyone. You obviously have a very dim view of how capable women are though. Ugh.[/quote]
I agree with FizzyGreenWater and was going to say something similar myself.

It's not that women are incapable, it's that women are very often the main care giver to any children and frequently find themselves in a more precarious situation post divorce. Fair isn't necessarily a 50/50 split of assets.

YANBU

I have so many stories I could tell you where people have failed to do what you propose and either they or their DC have been ripped off as a result.

Just do it.

When I was younger and stupid I would have put into into the family pot. Now that I am older and wiser I would say yes get it declared.

Fair isn't necessarily a 50/50 split of assets

I never said it was.

Hmm, I can see both sides. Why don’t you pay off the loan immediately as that’s an “extra” debt and then put the rest aside for savings/emergencies/start a savings plan for your child, etc. if you want to put abit towards the mortgage at some point, fair enough, but do you need to substantially pay it down right now? I’m assuming you have a low interest rate.

Putting money aside for your child, your own savings, etc. still benefits you all as a family, it’s a nice cushion to have.

Protect your inheritance, don't put it towards your mortgage, as pp said, that would be messy.

YANBU

This is not just about divorce. If you die and DH inherits your estate your Dad’s money could end up with a complete stranger if he remarries and leaves his estate to her. This is my area of practice and I have seen it all!

Take legal advice here. An option for you would be to vary the estate leaving your share in a trust for you and your children - you can then get a loan from the trust to pay off your loan etc.

In many countries it is standard to exclude the proceeds of inheritance from the matrimonial assets.

When my FIL dies, DH and his siblings will possibly inherit several million pounds between them.

If DH is using some of that to clear our mortgage and any outstanding loans (although we don't have any loans) then honestly I'd agree to the DOT because I'd still ultimately be benefitting.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

You quite obviously do. Women with kids have no choice but to stay put? Load of old shite. Not all of us give up our careers. Also saying men can house themselves easier how is that when they no longer have a family home, sometimes don't get any money out of it and then need to rent or buy a house of an equal size nearby so they can still see their children?

Bullshit

@FizzyGreenWater

What's bullshit?

No, I'd make it family money. But, I'd keep a chunk in a trust for the child and buy some stuff for meee

I'm all for the "family money" when you're both contributing either financially or SAHP/part time etc and it's to use for bills/necessities/fun money etc.

However... inheritance is completely different in my opinion. But I can see that if you're on different pages it can be really difficult to navigate. DH and I are in agreement that it should be separate. It's usually money from a loved one who's likely worked for it and a gift from them to one individual in a will. I don't think being married should change that.

You only have to read the relationship boards to see how easy it is for one spouse to go and have an affair and leave the other in the shit. How is it fair for them to get half of that?

If I get an inheritance I'll put it in the family pot.

I think that you should protect the money, for your DD's sake. If he were to have a second family, or even move in with someone else who has children, it's your DD that will lose out and I've seen it time and time again.

I'd just use it for the help to buy and then put some in a ISA for your DD and treat the family. So some of it is shared. You could then adjust your will to reflect the loan repayment. There was a case recently were one step sister got nothing, even though her Mother had put in £400k because her Mother died minutes before her step father.

I have a DoT with DP. When we brought our house I hadn’t owned somewhere before and he put up a substantial deposit out of the equity / profits from his last house. We’re talking over 150K. We’ve now got our dream forever house but in the event we separate he would get back his original investment.

Unless you are putting it into trust for your child(ren) then it would still be an asset that would be taken into account should you divorce.

I would not go down the DoT route.
If you are going to invest in the house it's likely to be split 50/50 in the event of a divorce, along with any money invested. On the plus side, the extra equity does offer greater security/lower interest rates etc. So it's worth doing as it makes your life easier now.

However, using a trust is useful as a form of future-proofing for your DD. If anything ever happens to you or DH, the trust has ring-fenced, allocated cash waiting for her. An accountant or solicitor who specialises in that type of work will be able to help.

If the same thing had happened to him would you think it fair?

Posted too soon. Seems fair, he made that money long before we were together. We’re not married and have separate finances. We both work full time and contribute the same percentage of our earnings into a family pot for the house / DS / family life and have what’s left as disposable. He earns more than me so percentage makes it seem fairer than 50/50 otherwise I wouldn’t have much left over.

Sounds to be that your relationship with DH doesn't have a lot of trust

@Dopeyduck

I have a DoT with DP. When we brought our house I hadn’t owned somewhere before and he put up a substantial deposit out of the equity / profits from his last house. We’re talking over 150K. We’ve now got our dream forever house but in the event we separate he would get back his original investment.

When we bought our house (which we did as joint tenants) I put in £250k and my husband nothing.

I don’t have a DoT with my husband because we are a team and we share our money.