To suggest to DH that we draw up a declaration of trust?

[Gimmeashake]

Hello all. Bit of background: my Ddad died earlier this year and left my brother and I a significant sum each. We couldn't believe it - never had anything like this sum in our lives. Anyway, I want to use some of it to pay off the help to buy loan my DH and I took out when we bought our house. I'll also put some of the remainder on to the mortgage to try and pay it off earlier. My friend suggested I request a DoT to protect this money should DH and I ever separate. I have said as much to my DH and I think he's very offended. I have made it clear that it's only because it's my dad's money and wouldn't seem right if he - for example - left, had another family (he's ten years younger than me so impossible for me but not him!) and to have 50k of my dad's money. We have one D.C. together too so I'm thinking of her future as well. He said he should therefore do the same to protect any money he makes from his entrepreneurial side ventures. I actually think it's not quite the same - I earn more than him and don't have any issue with sharing my earnings (I pay for all holidays and luxuries, house stuff and so on). I don't think he'd admit he was offended but I can tell I can understand this might be hurtful but I just thought it sensible. My dbro has zero intention of doing the same with his partner. Aibu? I can take it!

I would take a separate sum and put it aside for your child - say half or 25% of the total you were left. The rest could go into paying off the loan and paying down the mortgage. That way some of your dad’s money will always be there for your child and if you do split you will still be entitled to half of the rest.

I can see your partner’s POV. I signed a legal document to say I waived any interest in my now exes house after his parents paid off around 70% of the value and it did leave a bitter taste in my mouth. But I understand why you would want to ring fence the money.

A DOT wouldn’t mean anything because you’re already married which means he is entitled to half anyway?

Some daft advice on this thread. You’re married the ship of you wanting to squirrel money away for yourself has sailed. If you divorce it’s all on the table.

When my friend married she had a house and he didn’t . She had a DOT to reflect her larger contribution to the house they bought together. What’s the difference? Your DH will benefit from a reduced mortgage and lower payments .

MsTSwift is correct. You might get a bit more say over what you do with it - for example if you want to spend it on school fees instead of on paying off your mortgage early - but you can't pretest it from divorce proceedings. The deed of trust business is a nonsense that could harm your marriage. What you can do, however, is have wills that leave an amount directly to your daughter and the rest to each other so you know that, in the event of your widowed DH re-marrying, your daughter's inheritance is protected. I wouldn't go above the IHT free allowance though.

@DarkDarkNight - it left a bitter taste that you didn’t walk off with money his parents had put into a house?

Jeez. Grabby.

sorry typo - you can't protect it from divorce proceedings

My cynical little brain also read "he earns less and has entreprenurial side projects" and thought "who funds that then?"

Mine too ...

Thank you everyone for all the replies which I am reading through. I am leaning towards not having a DoT because as many of you rightly pointed out, I'd be v hurt if the shoe was on the other foot. I don't want to hurt him but was concerned I was being naive.

Just do it Op and protect your inheritance. Get legal advice and get it set up to protect you and your DC. Your DH already benefits from your higher salary providing holidays etc and if your marriage does last then you can dissolve the trust at a later stage if you wanted to use the money for the family.

Ask yourself, if the roles were reversed, would you object to your DH doing the same thing? That should help you in making your final decision.

I’m a complete cynic too and am all for people protecting their assets legally when it comes to marriage and divorce.

However, you are neither marrying nor divorcing this man.

In his shoes, I would be seriously questioning where this was going.

I’d also question if a deed of trust would provide you with any protection in this situation as you’ve inherited this money while married.
Would be interesting to hear from a relevant solicitor on this thread.

Why come on Mumsnet and ask?

You know the rules here.

What is the woman’s is hers entirely and it’s selfish of the man to expect any different.
What is the man’s is family money and he’s a selfish asshole if he doesn’t share it entirely with his spouse.

[quote LolaSkoda]@DarkDarkNight - it left a bitter taste that you didn’t walk off with money his parents had put into a house?

Jeez. Grabby.[/quote]
No, not at all. Left a bitter taste because I didn’t have any intention of waltzing off into the sunset with any of the money his parents put in and it would have been nice not to be thought of in that way . That was why I didn’t want to be on the mortgage in the first place (to be fair to my ex he wanted me to be on the mortgage with him).

I had to sign from a purely legal standpoint as I was going to be living in the house. It made me feel like nothing to have to sit in front of the solo and sign that paper though, I can understand why the OPs husband wouldn’t want to do it.

I don’t see anything wrong with your approach.

I inherited some money and have kept it separate to family money.
I put some aside for DC but the rest is mine.
This is despite the fact I’m a sahp (so don’t contribute towards mortgage etc).
The reason being... it was left to me by someone I know would have been crushed to know I’d just paid off a chunk of the mortgage with it.
I want to do something else with it.
My DH is fine with that. Not everything has to be thrown into the pot.
If you aren’t struggling to pay the mortgage as it stands, I’d maybe take some time to think about it.

I will just say, if you were buying yourself expensive clothes or splashing out on posh meals or having girls holidays, I would find that slightly different.

Solicitor not solo.

When my parents died I paid off our mortgage with some of the money, it never occurred to me to do anything else with it. I think if I’d suggested this the bloke would have struggled to ever forgive me and I’d feel exactly the same.

Thank you also for your kind words @Italiangreyhound - you are right that I am still grieving and this is affecting me. I think the trust fund idea is a very good one.

If you divorce he can make a claim to part of everything you own whether it is used to pay of the mortgage or not. That's what being married means. In law. It's the whole point.

If my partner suggested this I would be wondering why he bothered marrying me if he didn't want to share.

This is exactly why bloodline trusts are set up so that spouses can not their hands on “family” money. My DHs family have a trust set up with his mums estate, as his spouse I’m not entitled to any of it which is fair. His mum wanted to provide for her husband and children, I am neither so I don’t see why I should be entitled to any of it. His Dad is the main beneficiary, again his spouse has no right to it, then my DH & his siblings will get it when FIL passes, then grandchildren etc... As far as I’m aware no other spouses have issue with it either.

I personally don’t think it’s unreasonable to set it aside in a trust, nor do I think your friend is stirring. I think he’s being unreasonable if he takes issue with it though. You’ve already payed a loan off and put some-on the mortgage which he is benefiting from. I think he’s being childish to say fine you can have access to his money if you do it.

I personally wouldn't do it.. we purchased our family home with a substantial deposit gifted to me from a family member, I didn't protect my money. my husband didn't have a penny to contribute.. but he's done a lot of work on the house which has added value.. so he's made his contribution in that way.
I'd like to think even if we split, somehow our money will end up benefitting our children.. I wouldn't want to take it all and leave him with nothing just because I put most in.. if we split and he takes half he'll buy a home that our children will stay at.

You’re married though so surely everything is 50/50?

I don't know what the answer is but I'll tel you my experience.

A friend of mine was married and had some kids. At the time they owned a house which they bought together with their deposit - which they saved for. After the children were born the husband inherited a house with his older sister. As neither wanted to live in it they sold it and split the cash. It was a large sum!! The husband happily put the cash in the family pot and the married couple bought a much bigger house which due to the huge deposit only required a tiny mortgage - like maybe £115k or something for example when it's a 6 bed house. At this time they were very happy.

Few years later the wife has an affair and leaves the husband. In the divorce the wife got half the house - huge deposit included!!!!

When DH’s dad died, we inherited about £40k. We reduced the mortgage. DH didn’t ever try to keep it from me.

i think if you use any of the money on marital/joint stuff like mortgage/joint loans etc then it automatically becomes a shared marital asset.

Speak to a solicitor before moving/spending the money.
Something else you might want to look into is getting it noted somewhere if you choose to pay off more of the mortgage/loans....cos in the case of divorce you will probably end up feeling shafted if you've paid off more of everything and he still gets to 'take' it.

Maybe worth reading this... www.nelsonslaw.co.uk/trusts-divorce/

I had a 100k inheritance and it never come across my mind to protect it from my husband. We have two kids now and it's family money in my eyes. We used it to buy a bigger house and put a conservatory onto our house.