To suggest to DH that we draw up a declaration of trust?

[Gimmeashake]

Hello all. Bit of background: my Ddad died earlier this year and left my brother and I a significant sum each. We couldn't believe it - never had anything like this sum in our lives. Anyway, I want to use some of it to pay off the help to buy loan my DH and I took out when we bought our house. I'll also put some of the remainder on to the mortgage to try and pay it off earlier. My friend suggested I request a DoT to protect this money should DH and I ever separate. I have said as much to my DH and I think he's very offended. I have made it clear that it's only because it's my dad's money and wouldn't seem right if he - for example - left, had another family (he's ten years younger than me so impossible for me but not him!) and to have 50k of my dad's money. We have one D.C. together too so I'm thinking of her future as well. He said he should therefore do the same to protect any money he makes from his entrepreneurial side ventures. I actually think it's not quite the same - I earn more than him and don't have any issue with sharing my earnings (I pay for all holidays and luxuries, house stuff and so on). I don't think he'd admit he was offended but I can tell I can understand this might be hurtful but I just thought it sensible. My dbro has zero intention of doing the same with his partner. Aibu? I can take it!

I earn more than him and don't have any issue with sharing my earnings (I pay for all holidays and luxuries, house stuff and so on)

I agree with the principle that this should be family money, but then I read the above and began to appreciate why you perhaps don't sound very secure in the relationship. It's true your friend may be "jealous", but I also wonder if she's seeing some of the same red flags you've indicated

You didn't mention his age - though he's a lot younger than you - but do his "entrepreneurial side ventures" actually amount to much or is this a situation where you, your higher salary and your wish to pay down the mortgage are being leeched off?

To be clear I'm asking not assuming, but all the same I'd be careful here

Personally I think it’s always a good idea to have some money set aside for your children if you can afford it. We’ve made provisions for our children (we’re in the US) that wouldn’t be affected if we split/one of us dies. It’s not massive, but will give them a good start in life.

It’s a risk as we can’t touch that money ourselves, but we absolutely know they’ll get it, not a future spouse!

I think you should do whatever you feel is best and protects yourself, however I also think it's understandable if he feels very hurt by this and that's allowed too!
I also wouldn't be surprised if he does do what he said and starts to protect some money for himself just in case.

The whole point of marriage is commitment for life- through bad and good.

No wonder your husband is upset and questioning the whole basis of his life

You are married.

This is not an early relationship.

No wonder he is incredibly upset

I can’t see why anybody has said that they would assume DP wants to leave etc. If it was suggested. I wouldn’t buy a property with my partner without one - and she’s the one with the big chunk of cash not me. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to protect your fathers money for what he intended it to be. You can draw up the DoT to represent this in whatever way works for you and your partner. Nobody wants/can imagine bad things happening but sometimes life throws you a curve ball that can be softened if you’re prepared in simple ways. It’s not about not trusting your partner!

It also doesn’t apply to his side ventures unless you jointly own them. Maybe he mentioned this as he feels his contribution to your home/life is less so in general. Sometimes I feel like this because my partner but down a huge chunk on our house and I had a around £20k scraped together. But then I earn more so pay for the luxuries etc. So it’s more balanced for us. Maybe he feels like he’s not bringing enough to the table and gets defensive about that?

I'd put it into a savings account and carry on paying the mortgage and loan as long as it's affordable. The money will be there should you need it, if you don't, you'll have a nice pot

I guess you need to think about how you would feel if the boot was on the other foot, and act accordingly. If your DH came into a sum, would you feel it fair if he put something similar in place? I actually personally don't think it is unreasonable to put some towards joint things as it sounds like you are planning, and then keeping some aside and protecting it. If you are going without stuff and struggling financially as a family then that's different, or if something came up that you all needed and you were to take out loans instead of spend from that money or whatever that could become a bit of an issue. In a split it's overwhelmingly the woman who is the 'main' parent, and often makes the work sacrifices and mops up the increase in spending, and although I wouldn't imagine many of us plan to split up, it doesn't harm to have a safety net if you have the means. I do. And DH can save money as he sees fit too (he often doesn't, he spends what he has left after we have paid the bills etc equally- weirdly we earn about the same), so it is fair.

With interest rates so low at the moment there is not much advantage to paying off that debt. I would maybe invest in a buy to let to create some passive income.

I would always try and protect my finances, as you never know what life has in store.

I don’t subscribe to the shared money aspect of marriage though. I’ve always had separate finances and wouldn’t have an issue with a partner looking to protect money their parents have left them.

But then if I split with someone I would never want their family inheritance because I would never see that money as mine.

It's a difficult situation.

My Dad died and as my parent's were tennants in common his 50% of their house was left to my sister and l - so 25% each.

Unexpectedly DH left me. He now had a claim on my parents home within the divorce settlement as l actually owned it and it wasn't inheritance.

He turned nasty and said if l didn't give him what he wanted ( i.e selling the family home and leaving me and our DC homeless so he could have £££)... he'd go after my mum's house instead.

Fortunately his parents were disgusted by him and gave him a verbal clip round the ear and he left my Mum's house out of the equation.

I think that you should protect it and equally when the time comes that he get's inheritance, that he protects his.

Actual earnings l feel are a different matter

If you suddenly discovered you had a massive financial liability, would you see that as “your” liability or would you expect your partner to step up and help you shoulder the burden?

If you’d expect them to share the load with you in tough times, I think you should share the benefit in good times. If one of us inherits then it is a windfall received when we are working as a team, and just as we would have shared the load we share the gain - it becomes our family money.

Of course we could split, and that money would end up being shared, but that is part off the reason that marriage is such a big step, and a decision that needs to be taken carefully. It has consequences, but we accepted those consequences when we both said “I do”.

I just googled "inheritance in marriage" and this is the FIRST thing that came up:

Protect your inheritance received during the marriage

1. still document and keep proof that you received an inheritance;
2. open a separate account, in your sole name, for the inheritance;
3. keep proof that you deposited the inheritance into the account;
4. do not use the inheritance to buy jointly owned assets with your spouse;

I know that you are not trying to "protect" your inheritance from him but it is immediately clear that using an inheritance that one wants to separate from joint finances shoud not be mixed into jointly own assets.

My cynical little brain also read "he earns less and has entreprenurial side projects" and thought "who funds that then?". I don't think it's necessarily a case of taking offense (I am firmly of the belief that everyone should retain some level of financial independence) but the fact that mixing money you clearly wich to keep slightly separate into a joint asset is changing the terms of the deal he signed with the mortgage, while he is not in a position to match you either.

What FourDecades said. You never know when things might go tits up and turn nasty.

Your mistake was made a long time ago. You married him. It's really unreasonable to start changing the clauses after the contract is signed, and expecting him to be ok with it.

@Bluegrass

If you suddenly discovered you had a massive financial liability, would you see that as “your” liability or would you expect your partner to step up and help you shoulder the burden?

If you’d expect them to share the load with you in tough times, I think you should share the benefit in good times. If one of us inherits then it is a windfall received when we are working as a team, and just as we would have shared the load we share the gain - it becomes our family money.

Of course we could split, and that money would end up being shared, but that is part off the reason that marriage is such a big step, and a decision that needs to be taken carefully. It has consequences, but we accepted those consequences when we both said “I do”.

this basically

its one of the reasosn i think marriage should be made harder because it is a contract with consequences if you break it

When I met DH I had a house and he did not but once we were married I put him on the deeds of the house and the mortgage. Over the 20 years we've been together we've both ahd money at different times from grand parents and parents which enabled us to iprove the house and ultimately pay off the mortgage. He's also supported me financially for 3 years when I was struggling to get a venture off the ground and was bringing in next to nothing

for richer for poorer and all that

Gimmeashake I actually think you are being very wise.

My anecdoctal story is that when I was still happily married, my parents gave us £75K to buy our dream house. Just under 18 months of this purchase, my husband had left me and two young kids (3 and 5 at that time) as he had met someone else.

I was adamant I wanted the £75K back. Luckily he felt guilty enough to agree to that. We also in the end agreed to split our marital home on its sale 65:35 in my favour. Because of that, I was able to buy my own 3-bedroom house for me and my kids. There was NO way I would have been able to do so without him agreeing to the above and he didn't have to agree to that either.

I look back now and think how naive I was... I didn't even think of protecting the money at that point. My earning power has definitely been damaged by taking quite a lot of time off work when the kids were little but luckily I have managed to pull it all back... While my ex-H is earning stupid money now and living in a stunning house with his wife and family. Fair play to him, I just feel really lucky I have a roof over my head. So I would protect your inheritance. You just don't know what the future holds. BUT if anyone had told me before my ex-H left that I should have protected that money my parents gave me legally, I would have perhaps ignored it then.

Ouch, maybe he assumes that his marriage will last forever, whereas you do seem to be thinking it wont.
I couldn't do that to my DH. We have both inherited. Me first and then him, a lot more than me. I dont think it occurred to either of us that it was 'my' money or 'his' money. It was always our family money.

It's all shared money in my eyes.

However when DH and I got together we had equal amounts of cash/equity in homes so it's all fair. To date neither of us has inherited any larger sums of money - but if/when we do it will be just put in the pot for a holiday home in the sun

If my DH tried to ringfence 100K I’d be looking at that very askance indeed. We’re a family. I’ve shared a small inheritance with him. I wouldn’t expect ‘mine’ and ‘yours’ in a marriage.

Someone legal may be along later, but I would guess that the money and house, and pension and all chattels you have are counted as assets and, in the event of a divorce, all the assets will go in to a pot and be divided as the law sees fit, most likely 50/50 or close to it. As a previous poster said, you agreed to share your assets with your husband in your marriage vows.

The only way to keep anything out of that would be to pass it on to someone else, such as your child. You can do this by varying the will (up to 2 years from the date of death is the limit) so that it doesn't add to any potential Inheritance Tax liability in the event of your or your husbands early death (heaven forbid). You could put it in a trust that does not let him have access to it until a certain age. You can also, possibly, put it in to a 'Discretionary Gift Trust' that puts your child as the trustee but you have the income generated by it for life, then it reverts to your child on your death. I am not sure how that would be treated in terms of the division of assets in a divorce, but a Financial Advisor could help you on that one.

araiwa
If you are female- you'd be sensible, prudent, safeguarding your and your child's future.
If you're male. It's not your money,it's family money, you're a selfish arse, depriving your family and financially abusive

100% this.
If I was your DH and you acted like this, I would separating my cash and keeping it away from you. This will be the start of trust being eroded, from your financial affairs and your relationship.
Those saying its sensible or promoting the action, are not thinking of you or relationship, but their own prejudices

I think you should think how you would feel if he kept large amounts of money from you.

I can see that answers to this will be heavily based on the e patience’s that you have had, and those around you which is totally fair enough. Personally it would never occur to me to protect an inheritance in this was and I have to say I would be really hurt if my other half did this.

Experience-need to proof read!

I'd have no problem protecting it for the reasons you state, and he's being childish- he should agree with you!