To suggest to DH that we draw up a declaration of trust?

[Gimmeashake]

Hello all. Bit of background: my Ddad died earlier this year and left my brother and I a significant sum each. We couldn't believe it - never had anything like this sum in our lives. Anyway, I want to use some of it to pay off the help to buy loan my DH and I took out when we bought our house. I'll also put some of the remainder on to the mortgage to try and pay it off earlier. My friend suggested I request a DoT to protect this money should DH and I ever separate. I have said as much to my DH and I think he's very offended. I have made it clear that it's only because it's my dad's money and wouldn't seem right if he - for example - left, had another family (he's ten years younger than me so impossible for me but not him!) and to have 50k of my dad's money. We have one D.C. together too so I'm thinking of her future as well. He said he should therefore do the same to protect any money he makes from his entrepreneurial side ventures. I actually think it's not quite the same - I earn more than him and don't have any issue with sharing my earnings (I pay for all holidays and luxuries, house stuff and so on). I don't think he'd admit he was offended but I can tell I can understand this might be hurtful but I just thought it sensible. My dbro has zero intention of doing the same with his partner. Aibu? I can take it!

How are others taking this comment in the op to mean that he doesn’t currently share? He said he should therefore do the same to protect any money he makes from his entrepreneurial side ventures.
He is explicitly suggesting he stop sharing (or not share when he starts making money) if the op protects the inheritance.
It is also stretching to infer he has capital at risk including the family home and this inheritance would be put at risk by including it. If that’s so, everything should be in a trust so you don’t risk the family home.
Basically it’s one conversation in a loving equal marriage and another in a marriage where the op provides generously and her husband doesn’t, and we do not have enough information (but it would be an annoying drip feed if actually he moans about every penny spent and spends £1000s on his hobbies and side Lines)

YANBU.

I trusted my ex husband 100% we were 'a family' and it was 'family money'. Now it's all his money (not envy, pure bitterness) every last penny of my inheritances and earnings since 22.

Keep finances separate with new partner, it feels fair and no one's offended.

Maybe pay half off your joint mortgage no strings attached. Then put half into trust for your child.

I was in a similar situation but different circumstances. Married with mortgage, my father sold his house, extended mine and added a Grandad flat. We didn't get a DoT to protect his investment into the property and it added about 80k to the value of the property.

A year later the exH left and would not take my Dads investment into account when the house was valued. Eventually after a gruelling battle I had to pay an additional 40k as well as his fair share of the value of the property. I'd speak to a solicitor and take their advice. Wish I had!

A deed of trust made post marriage, can be ignored by a court.

I don’t think that it’s fair for you to pay down a joint mortgage, essentially shifting more ownership to you.

I wouldn’t sign it! If you want a pot of gold invest it separately.

[quote TrustTheGeneGenie]@FizzyGreenWater

Every circumstance is different I don't think there is a standard % which is fair for everyone. You obviously have a very dim view of how capable women are though. Ugh.[/quote]
Totally agree with you.
My brother left his family home with nothing, had to move back in with our parents and daughter while his wife kept the house. She cheated on him when my niece was 6 months old, but came out of it hunky dorey.

A “deed of trust” is not a magic document that enables you to avoid sharing “your” money when a long marriage with children ends.

I think this situation demonstrates how money, even when it is in plentiful supply, often has the potential to damage relationships.

OP took the decision to marry someone, entering into a serious commitment to say that from then on they should be considered as a legally recognised family, that they were now each other’s first next of kin etc. They cemented that by having a child together.

A little later on the OP receives a wholly unearned and unexpected windfall and those consequences of marriage she accepted, the sharing of assets, suddenly feels a bit too generous to her.

Faced with the prospect of possibly not keeping 100% of that windfall all to herself if they split, she’s stopped thinking about “us” and “ours” and started thinking about “me” and “mine”.

if they split, she’d still be in a better position having received the windfall than she would have been if she never got it, but it’s now nagging at her that that wouldnt be enough, that it should all be just hers in spite of what being married to someone means.

She’s now looking for ways to undo some of those legal implications of being married. Just receiving the money has started to create cracks in the marriage that wasn’t there before.

It makes you realise why marriage can be so complicated for people who are incredibly wealthy, as the dominant thought in their mind will almost always be ensuring that the wealth stays with them rather than focusing on the marriage itself.

That whole world of pre-nups, trusts, of passing on your legacy to make sure your blood descendants stay as wealthy as possible all starts to seem quite grim. I think people should probably remember this when they dream about that big lottery win, or insist that more money would make them happy. It brings problems too.

Courts don’t like people hiding or squirrelling away assets - they can and do cut through such arrangements.

Why do you think wealthy people usually marry other wealthy people?!

The only solution is not to marry. You can’t cherry pick the parts of marriage you like and those you don’t.

I inherited from my mother, paid off mortgage, invested in another property. All that is now considered family money. So when I left him I now find myself living in a nasty little shack whilst he is sitting on the family home and rental property refusing to settle because he is so heartbroken. He "married well". I am worse off than I was before we met.
Absolutely put it in a trust for your child.

Don’t kick yourself because frankly there’s not much you could have done post marriage to avoid this.

If you are married it's family money and richly half your husbands I think personally

When you become a partnership everything should be 50/50

I think it's a disgrace to suggest otherwise and if I was your husband I'd be pretty upset by that

My exh suffered a massive mental break down that left him with just enough legal capacity to make decisions but his bizzare choices were devastating to myself and the 4 dc.

If I was in your position I would protect the money against potential brain injury etc that causes irrational behaviour but still having capacity.

Another one hrre who put 50k from my parents into our family home. I did not get that back when we split. I regret it so much. Protect your money. Invest it in something else.

YABU, you are married and all money should be family money. You already earn more than him, now you want to keep this from him too?

Only way to protect it and become unreasonable is by putting it in a trust fund for your daughter. Or easier yet, just share.

I totally agree with this "Personally I would use the money to purchase a buy-to-let propertie(s) inside a trust in your name which passes to your DD when you die. The capital is then protected but you can use 'some' of the profits from the rental income to benefit your whole family immediately."

Even if you do that it’s still on the table in a divorce

Sorry you've lost your dad. I've been in the same situation as you but it hasn't crossed my mind that I should protect the money from my husband. We are a family and it's family money now not mine personally. If you aren't having marital problems and it's looking likely you are going to split up anyway, I can see why your husband is so hurt. I would be too in his position.

As others have said, a deed of trust may be as useless as a chocolate teapot in a divorce. I have a portfolio with a large number of trusts and I can assure you there are a lot of payments going out to beneficiaries ex-spouses.

If you decide to go down this route you need to take legal advice, ideally from someone in a strong private client and trust and estates firm.

I understand how you feel OP, when I bought my house with my ex we saved a deposit and then my Dad stepped in at the last minute to give us the deposit, it was £9k not £50k, but when we split up I felt so guilty for my Dad because when he was saving that money he didn't even know my boyfriend, he was saving for his daughter not some random bloke. Luckily me ex agreed to give me the money back that my Dad had put in, but if my Dad had died that would amplify that feeling.

FWIW if my partner inherited and wanted to ring fence the money I would understand and be fine with that, if he were paying off a chunk of our mortgage I would still benefit from reduced interest payments paying it off quicker, my child would still have more coming to them because of it, relieving the pressure on me to put so much aside for uni etc.

My friends would probably be horrified at that idea but almost all of them are married to the blokes they met in their early 20's they have never been let down and had to make a new plan alone, they have no idea what it's like to start again with less than you could have had, they've not felt the shock of someone that promised them forever changing their minds about that, and the reality dawning on them that they were naive to just take someones word for it. Once that's happened to you it's not difficult to picture that happening.

You need legal advice. As others have pointed out, a deed of trust may show that the money has been treated separately, but it won't help if the court feels your needs can't be met from the matrimonial pot in the event of a divorce.

Just to clarify some points: he works hard and has a paid job (was furloughed, now back part time). He always pays his share of bills and I have no problem paying for our extras - I'm happy to. His side ventures are like a start up and he hopes to retire early from his endeavours! Definitely no hobbies that take him away. He is at home most of the time (esp since Covid) but takes Saturday off for family stuff. He is a good, kind person. I think this thread has helped me recognise that I have trust issues. I watched my dad get very hurt by my mum then his second wife and have to 'start over' after my mum really took him for everything. Perhaps this stuff is haunting me. Genuine thanks to you all, very useful replies and I will consult a solicitor to think about a trust for my DD. That seems like a fair compromise.

I'm also sorry to hear how many people have been so betrayed when they believed they could trust their spouse. Also heartening to hear many of you say you truly feel you are a partnership and can completely trust your partner.

@araiwa

If you are female- you'd be sensible, prudent, safeguarding your and your child's future.

If you're male. It's not your money,it's family money, you're a selfish arse,depriving your family and financially abusive

One assumes your tongue is firmly in your cheek! It's certainly the MN mantra 'What's yours is ours and what's mine's my own'.

@Athrawes
I inherited from my mother, paid off mortgage, invested in another property. All that is now considered family money. So when I left him I now find myself living in a nasty little shack whilst he is sitting on the family home and rental property refusing to settle because he is so heartbroken. He "married well". I am worse off than I was before we met.

Apologies but this sounds like an absolute reverse.