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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset my DP tells me I'm attractive and not beautiful

204 replies

attractivenotbeautiful · 26/10/2020 05:17

DP and I have been together for 4 years. After our very first date, he text me to say he had a great time and told me that I'm very attractive. He is lovely, compliments me regularly and jokes that he is punching above his weight because I am more attractive than him. However, he has never told me I am beautiful. :( AIBU to be upset about this? Beautiful seems more personal and affectionate, "attractive" I think is quite vague. Yes, I am aware this is quite a shallow post. I just want my boyfriend to tell me he thinks I am beautiful instead of "attractive".

OP posts:
Elsa8 · 26/10/2020 13:28

I totally get it OP, DH has never called me pretty or beautiful, even on our wedding day. He’s a great husband though and I know he loves me, so I focus on that and have never said anything because it feels daft. I do fish for compliments more than I should though Blush

unlikelytobe · 26/10/2020 13:47

Ha! What about the term jolie laide?

BasiliskStare · 26/10/2020 13:47

@CaraDuneRedux - I am still chuckling re the dog compliment - we have a dog who was once voted 4th most handsome dog in show at a little local dog show. & he got a rosette. I'd be happy if I were as good looking as him.

Pebbledashery · 26/10/2020 13:49

Someone has already said it.. But if this is your biggest problem.. Then you're hugely lucky.

StripeyDeckchair · 26/10/2020 13:51

Different people express love & affection in different ways. What is his love language? For many men its about actions not words - my husband cleared the garage at the weekend so we can park both cars in it. He's practical & thinks of things like this that make life just that little bit easier.

unmarkedbythat · 26/10/2020 13:54

What's put this idea of the word 'beautiful' meaning so much into your head, op?

ArtieFufkinPolymerRecords · 26/10/2020 14:00

@Crystal87

Whether she's beautiful or not, her partner should think so. And whether that's only in his eyes only it's not nice to say otherwise. He's her partner he should be filling her with confidence, not putting her down. OP I'd be concerned if you had asked him if you were beautiful and he said no, but I think in this case it's probably not a word he uses.
Why should he think so? Do you think we can only love someone if we think they are beautiful? Lots of people adore their partner without thinking they are the most gorgeous looking person in the world.

Is everybody also supposed to think their partner is hilariously funny, brilliantly clever and amazing at everything they do? I think most people will end up disappointed if a partner has to tick every box.

FatimaMunchy · 26/10/2020 14:03

A friend of mine's fiance said to her 'I like you in that dress . It suits you. Plain and simple.' Think yourself lucky OPGrin

Pyewhacket · 26/10/2020 14:06

How old are you ?.

GeorgeMichaelsEspadrille · 26/10/2020 14:07

This thread makes me think of the Good Life where Tom says to Margo, "And you are a very attractive woman."

Made me swoon when I was about 9.

Original poster
attractivenotbeautiful · 26/10/2020 14:16

@Pyewhacket

How old are you ?.
28
OP posts:
Original poster
attractivenotbeautiful · 26/10/2020 14:34

Well, I might be vain, dense, a horrible person, needy and whatever else I've been called on this thread. But at least I know that I would never post some of the things that people on here have. Do you realise when you are typing, that it is a real life person reading the responses? I'm not sure how you can make such assumptions on me based on one paragraph. You don't even know me.

I'm quite an affectionate, loving and open person and I think my partner is a little more reserved and shy and I suppose it does cause confusion sometimes. That's all. Thanks to those who did offer helpful responses.

OP posts:
LaBellina · 26/10/2020 14:40

OP why don't you tell him how you feel?
Perhaps it has never occurred to him to call you beautiful.

For what it's worth: I have once dumped a man because he literally told me that I was attractive and cute but not really beautiful (yes he said that last part too). It hurt even more that the day before he had praised some of his collegues who were appearently drop dead gorgeous (and not just cute, like me). I wouldn't dump a man who had not maliciously attempted to put me down but that it just had not occurred to, to call me beautiful.

Original poster
attractivenotbeautiful · 26/10/2020 14:43

@LaBellina

OP why don't you tell him how you feel? Perhaps it has never occurred to him to call you beautiful.

For what it's worth: I have once dumped a man because he literally told me that I was attractive and cute but not really beautiful (yes he said that last part too). It hurt even more that the day before he had praised some of his collegues who were appearently drop dead gorgeous (and not just cute, like me). I wouldn't dump a man who had not maliciously attempted to put me down but that it just had not occurred to, to call me beautiful.

Thanks @LaBellina. So sorry that happened to you! How nasty Flowers
OP posts:
CaraDuneRedux · 26/10/2020 14:44

@attractivenotbeautiful I agree you've had some horrible responses.

But buried in there are some more measured ones. I think the question you should be asking yourself perhaps is why this particular word matters so much to you?

For instance (not saying this is the case for you), it would have mattered deeply to my mum that my dad told her she was beautiful - because she grew up with a couple of emotionally abusive parents who treated her sister as the "golden child" and her as the "scapegoat" and told her her sister was beautiful and she was not. So for her being told she was beautiful became tangled up in her mind with being properly loved - her parents having withheld both from her.

Now me, a generation on, am not bothered because I grew up knowing my parents' love for me was unconditional and nothing to do with how I looked. Which means that I can look in the mirror objectively and think "well, I scrub up okay, but I'm never going to launch a thousand ships". Some of my boyfriends have told me I'm beautiful - because (like red setter man) for them beauty is synonymous with "I really care very very deeply for you." I find this immensely touching. Other boyfriends have not.

So I guess for me you're asking the wrong question. The question is not "why is my husband calling me attractive rather than beautiful?" but "what is it about the word 'beautiful' that matters so much to me, and why?"

LaBellina · 26/10/2020 14:47

Ignore the bad responses @attractivenotbeautiful. Some people just love to put down others in order to make themselves feel better (online as you see here and in real life with my example).

I think for many women it's important that their DP calls them beautiful and there's nothing wrong with that. I also like to hear it from my DH.

KarmaStar · 26/10/2020 14:59

Yabu.

DadOfTheMoment · 26/10/2020 15:04

Attractive is much more layered and multifaceted than Beauty. YABU imo

Iamthewombat · 26/10/2020 15:06

Do you think you're beautiful? Maybe you're not.

Is that you, Regina George?

SandyY2K · 26/10/2020 15:14

@Crystal87

Whether she's beautiful or not, her partner should think so.

Why should he? Not everyone is beautiful...that doesn't mean they're unlovable. It also doesn't mean he isn't attracted to her.

I'm sure this isn't the case for the OP..but I see many people who were not blessed with good looks and calling them beautiful, would probably seem like you're laughing at them.

And whether that's only in his eyes only it's not nice to say otherwise.
He's her partner he should be filling her with confidence, not putting her down.

Saying she's attractive is a complement. I must have missed the bit where he puts her down.

SandyY2K · 26/10/2020 15:16

*compliment

BasiliskStare · 26/10/2020 15:26

@CaraDuneRedux what a lovely post

My husband would never trouble a male model agency - but to me he is very attractive. & self confident so I am not sure being called handsome etc would bother him that much . I still think when you know someone well - you probably know what they mean as a compliment - however expressed.

pictish · 26/10/2020 15:27

@Crystal87

Whether she's beautiful or not, her partner should think so. And whether that's only in his eyes only it's not nice to say otherwise. He's her partner he should be filling her with confidence, not putting her down. OP I'd be concerned if you had asked him if you were beautiful and he said no, but I think in this case it's probably not a word he uses.
Well gosh. Must say I disagree. I'm not in the business of offering false flattery and neither do I wish to receive it. I have eyes and so does my husband and any other boyfriend I've had. I don't thrive on lies, don't need them. The OPs dh is not putting her down.
SandyY2K · 26/10/2020 15:30

“aww I’d love it if you said I was beautiful once in a while”

I find this really uncomfortable tbh. It's basically telling your OH what to say about you and think it gives off the vibe that you need validation and reassurance about your looks.

You already know he finds you good looking and says he punching above his weight. I'd understand if he never commented positively on your looks at all.

Is it because previous boyfriends told you that you were beautiful? Did you hear it a lot from your parents and family members?

lakesidewinter · 26/10/2020 15:32

Are you upset because you believe you are beautiful and your DH doesn't acknowledge it or would you like the extra confidence that him thinking you are beautiful would bring?

I'm not beautiful and I wouldn't take anyone who told me that seriously.
I do believe am perfectly attractive enough.
Almost everyone else I know fits into that category.
There aren't that many beautiful people or that many truly physically unattractive people either.