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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset my DP tells me I'm attractive and not beautiful

204 replies

attractivenotbeautiful · 26/10/2020 05:17

DP and I have been together for 4 years. After our very first date, he text me to say he had a great time and told me that I'm very attractive. He is lovely, compliments me regularly and jokes that he is punching above his weight because I am more attractive than him. However, he has never told me I am beautiful. :( AIBU to be upset about this? Beautiful seems more personal and affectionate, "attractive" I think is quite vague. Yes, I am aware this is quite a shallow post. I just want my boyfriend to tell me he thinks I am beautiful instead of "attractive".

OP posts:
fuckfuckingcovid19 · 26/10/2020 07:33

Oh ffs Hmm

Brefugee · 26/10/2020 07:33

Are you beautiful? Don't be so needy. It doesn't matter if you're beautiful or not, despite what the world tells you.

But if it is really important to you - you know if you are or not. Or you think you are and that's just as good to you, surely

diddl · 26/10/2020 07:34

@Pringlemonster

I’ve been married 25 years ,he’s never told me I’m beautiful. told me he loves me , But actually can’t even remember him saying I’m attractive either .

Right that’s it going to LTB

Same here!
WitchesSpelleas · 26/10/2020 07:35

The term 'beautiful' is used so widely these days as to be - not meaningless, but open to very wide interpretation. People often describe babies as 'beautiful' - from an objective stance, most babies look pretty similar - but it's a way to express pleasure at seeing a healthy new life. People will describe their elderly mum as 'beautiful' or their pet as 'beautiful' - it doesn't mean that others would think them anything special.

If that's what you're getting at - your boyfriend's strength of feeling rather than his assessment of your appearance - you have to consider whether he shows this in other ways. Is he affectionate generally? Does he tell you he loves you? Does he go out of his way to make you happy? If so, I don't think you need to worry that calling you 'beautiful' isn't part of his currency of showing love.

If this is simply about what you look like, 'attractive' is a clearer phrase than 'beautiful' - it means most people would consider you, objectively, as pleasant to look at, regardless of their feelings towards you.

Very few people, in a purely aesthetic sense, are widely held to be 'beautiful' - most are pretty, or good-looking according to the fashions of the time, or striking. If you're not one of those few, there's nothing you can do about it. Be glad that you're attractive.

diddl · 26/10/2020 07:36

Perhaps he doesn't think that you are beautiful-I don't think that many people are tbh.

Or perhaps for him pretty/atttractive/beautiful is all the same?

Well just tell him then!

ThirstyGhost · 26/10/2020 07:38

Walk it off princess.

MoiraNotRuby · 26/10/2020 07:39

I hate being complimented on how I look. I think it is so irrelevant, DH knows that, so I find it really irritating and disrespectful when he tells me I look nice.

sandgrown · 26/10/2020 07:40

When my husband left me I felt very unattractive but a plus side was I lost weight. I attended an event and a friend’s mum said I was stunning and at that moment it was the best compliment ever. Very few women are classically beautiful. I would be very happy to be called attractive.

remaininshroud · 26/10/2020 07:40

Only a problem if he says "you're not beautiful" or "you're attractive but not beautiful".

How's your self-esteem, OP? Not great, I'm guessing.

MrsBobDylan · 26/10/2020 07:41

I'm very practical about these issues and just ask DH if I need to know how he feels about me.

He has a good eye too, so I ask his advice about outfits as I sometimes find matching things quite tricky. I totally trust him to be truthful, about his feelings (and my outfits which sometimes border on the hilarious).

Coffeecak3 · 26/10/2020 07:41

I'm attractive but not beautiful, fact.
My dh of over 40 years often tells me I'm beautiful, gorgeous, kind and intelligent.
He means it because to him I am what he wants.
And he's what I want and I compliment him too.
OP I understand why this bothers you because the most important person in your life should think you are more than attractive.
A good price for your car is an attractive offer. Hardly the compliment of the year.

So many pp's on here telling you you're vain or expecting too much.
Ignore them. You need to feel cherished.

unlikelytobe · 26/10/2020 07:42

In reality there are very few truly beautiful or absolutely ugly people but it's a word people throw about as it's a gushy compliment. It's all in the eye of the beholder anyway. How literal do you want him to mean it? Personally I hate the word pretty as it suggests a certain look to me.

Remember Samantha Brick? Too beautiful, poor thing!

Odile13 · 26/10/2020 07:44

If you called your partner attractive, how would you feel if he was annoyed that you didn’t call him sexy or handsome or whatever particular word that he likes?

Just wondering if swapping the roles makes you feel less offended by what he says - or rather doesn’t say - to you.

MikeUniformMike · 26/10/2020 07:45

You want him to lie to you, @attractivenotbeautiful?

Disfordarkchocolate · 26/10/2020 07:46

I wouldn't worry about it but I'm someone who can best be described as pretty, and that only on a good day.

To me, beauty is something short lived. Being attractive lasts a lifetime.

Hiccupiscal · 26/10/2020 07:46

Lol. I love mumsnet.

Op, prehaps your not beautiful.

....fact is DP is attracted to you and think you're something special, and is with you, and presumed good to you?

Read some other threads about cheaters, liars, lazy partners, significant others getting up and leaving after 17 years etc etc, then come back with your 'problem'

Honestly, if this is real, you need to have a word with yourself.

Spied · 26/10/2020 07:46

I don't think he'll be hanging around long if you're the type to be splitting hairs over something so trivial so I'd not be analysing too much.

Blondiney · 26/10/2020 07:50

I totally get where you're coming from. The term 'attractive' is a dreadfully vague comsolation prize. It's natural to want the person you love to see you as 'beautiful', even if you're not.

I've had a lifetime of sodding attractive, striking, even had a handsome once FFS! Hmm

user1493494961 · 26/10/2020 07:50

Do you put lots of pouty selfies on FB?

EmpressoftheMundane · 26/10/2020 07:51

Married 20 years. Husband doesn’t compliment. Never has. We have two very pretty teenaged daughters. Doesn’t compliment them either. Just isn’t his manner.

I have a father who told us how beautiful my sisters and I were growing up just about everyday. He was also very courtly with our mother then stepmother.

It’s a superficial thing. Just his manner, not a reflection on you, or how much he values you.

There is no magic in the word beautiful. It’s not better than attractive.

Iamthewombat · 26/10/2020 07:52

Only a problem if he says "you're not beautiful" or "you're attractive but not beautiful"

Yes, this. The title of your thread led me to think that your partner had said, “well, you’ll never be beautiful, love, the best you can hope for is attractive” or something.

Which would annoy me because I’d think:

  1. Couldn’t you just lie, since it would cost you nothing?
  1. What changes to my appearance are you trying to talk me into, you complete arse?
  1. Who made you the judge of what’s beautiful, and why do you think you have the right to tell me where Insit on this beauty scale you apparently know so much about?

Then I probably would have slapped him. However, he hasn’t said that, has he? He’s used his own choice of words to tell you that your appearance is very appealing. It’s nothing to be upset about.

Laughed at the post upthread where the boyfriend of a petite poster described her as ‘curvy’ without realising that it was a euphemism.

MamaMoonbeam · 26/10/2020 07:53

YABU

Rosalisa · 26/10/2020 07:56

When I was very young a boyfriend told me I was attractive. I may have looked a bit Hmm because he went on to say, "it's better than just beautiful. You attract people to you"

Maybe that's what he means?

Nanny0gg · 26/10/2020 07:57

@attractivenotbeautiful

DP and I have been together for 4 years. After our very first date, he text me to say he had a great time and told me that I'm very attractive. He is lovely, compliments me regularly and jokes that he is punching above his weight because I am more attractive than him. However, he has never told me I am beautiful. :( AIBU to be upset about this? Beautiful seems more personal and affectionate, "attractive" I think is quite vague. Yes, I am aware this is quite a shallow post. I just want my boyfriend to tell me he thinks I am beautiful instead of "attractive".
Really?

If that's his biggest failing YABVU

wannabebump · 26/10/2020 07:57

YABU. And shallow.

And if this is all you've got to worry yourself about OP, I'd consider yourself pretty lucky.