To be upset my DP tells me I'm attractive and not beautiful

[attractivenotbeautiful]

DP and I have been together for 4 years. After our very first date, he text me to say he had a great time and told me that I'm very attractive. He is lovely, compliments me regularly and jokes that he is punching above his weight because I am more attractive than him. However, he has never told me I am beautiful. :( AIBU to be upset about this? Beautiful seems more personal and affectionate, "attractive" I think is quite vague. Yes, I am aware this is quite a shallow post. I just want my boyfriend to tell me he thinks I am beautiful instead of "attractive".

@CaraDuneRedux

This reminds me of a boyfriend (v "county set") I had when young. I was blow-drying my hair one morning and he said "you look just like an Irish setter I saw at crufts last year." When I pulled a face in response, he added hastily, "it won a prize."

Count yourself lucky, OP.

CRYING laughing at this, sorry. 'It won a prize'. What a tosser to say that.

It was genius, I must say. Though, as I said in a follow-up, genuinely nicely meant.

He was quite a sweety in many respects - and didn't have an ounce of what I suppose the Romantic movement would have called "aesthetic sensibility" - for him, beauty really was in the eye of the beholder and was entirely synonymous with "I really like/love this person/place/picture/building/whatever and feel at home and comfortable and happy here."

@CaraDuneRedux I’m properly LOL at your Crufts compliment!

@attractivenotbeautiful honestly, I never pull the “first world problem” bit because I know everyone has problems that are important to them but Christ on a bike!

He uses the wrong word when he compliments you? Really??

Do you think you're beautiful? Maybe you're not.

Turn it round op. If he compliments you but you're upset with the word he used then that's a bit red flag to me op, maybe he feels you are controlling and hard to please? Not nice to be made to feel not good enough by a partner or that even when you are trying to be nice it isn't good enough.

Gosh, are you beautiful? I’m guessing you consider you are otherwise you’d not be expecting him to say it to you. If so, then why require his validation, you already know it, and if you’re not then you can’t be expecting him to say you are if you’re not.

I don’t think my husband has ever said that, he’s Scottish and says “bonnie lass”. If he said beautiful I’d cringe myself in two.

@CaraDuneRedux - That is brilliant - I'd have taken that as a compliment. I must castigate my DH for not comparing me to a prize winning lovely looking dog.

I do think people use words in different ways - some will splash beautiful about, others won't. Personally I'd take attractive over beautiful any day of the week. Sometimes, my son, when I have scrubbed up well will say "Oh you look look nice" To him that is high praise indeed & I appreciate it as such.

Beauty is a very rare commodity. I can count the number of beautiful women I’ve met in my life on my fingers. Attractive or pretty is as much as most people manage.

@attractivenotbeautiful

Have you ever told him this? Because it strikes me that just because you think Beautiful seems more personal and affectionate, "attractive" I think is quite vague - he might think the exact opposite.

I do think you need to cop on a bit, a niggle like this isn’t worth getting upset about, but there have been some really unpleasant levelled at you which are unfair and extreme.

Ok, honestly I'm quite attractive. Always have been, and I've aged very well. But. I can scarcely remember DH ever saying I am. Let alone beautiful!
But I don't mind. I'm reasonably happy in my own skin. And I have another who insisted my dad complimented her all the time
On her looks and it was nauseating! Like a flimsy sticking plaster over the other character cracks in their marriage! So I am quite averse to sugary compliments!

Whether she's beautiful or not, her partner should think so. And whether that's only in his eyes only it's not nice to say otherwise. He's her partner he should be filling her with confidence, not putting her down.
OP I'd be concerned if you had asked him if you were beautiful and he said no, but I think in this case it's probably not a word he uses.

My partner always tells me I'm beautiful. I'm not.

It's clear he thinks you're attractive, I'm not sure why it's bothering you so much after all this time?

I second the pp who suggests that maybe you are not physically beautiful.

Most people are average.

Not another -a mother!!

Not another -a mother!!

Whether she's beautiful or not, her partner should think so

Should he? I’ve got a friend who describes herself as looking “like the back of a bus” and in all honesty she’s not physically attractive. All her charms lie in her personality and intellect and she knows it. She’d laugh for a week if her husband told her she was beautiful.

@MoiraNotRuby
. What a tosser to say that.

What a stupid and horrible comment to make.
You sound hateful.

@CaraDuneRedux has already said that her ex said it as a compliment from a place of love.

Whether she's beautiful or not, her partner should think so

Meh, don’t be daft, romance isn’t a fairy tale where you look at your partner and see beauty, most folks are attracted to their partner But thar doesn’t mean they get all starry eyed. Most folks can accurately judge their partners looks.

😂

Self esteem issues? Why do you need anyone to tell you you're beautiful, you should believe in your own worth and not need someone to big you up

Tell him how much this matters to you

This is so cringe, if my husband said to me I know you think I’m attractive but I need you to tell me I’m handsome, I’d be giving him the side eye for a month,

It also doesn’t mean the same if you need to tell someone to say it.

@Coffeecak3

I'm attractive but not beautiful, fact. My dh of over 40 years often tells me I'm beautiful, gorgeous, kind and intelligent. He means it because to him I am what he wants. And he's what I want and I compliment him too. OP I understand why this bothers you because the most important person in your life should think you are more than attractive. A good price for your car is an attractive offer. Hardly the compliment of the year.

So many pp's on here telling you you're vain or expecting too much.
Ignore them. You need to feel cherished.

This ^

My DH tells me I'm beautiful. According to DH Audrey Hepburn was beautiful, but Salma Hayek is attractive and sexy. Am I now to suppose he doesn't find me attractive and sexy? of course not. I feel secure, cherished, desired and loved.

Very few people are objectively beautiful, even if that is possible, and I'm not it.

I'd rather hear nothing than hear "you are attractive" which seems impersonal and more like a statement you would make of a complete stranger. I often refer to other people as being attractive, I'm in no way personally attracted to them.

Don't settle for mediocre platitudes, or with a man who doesn't think you are beautiful to him. Beauty lasts a lifetime, long after you've ceased being "attractive"

Moira - don't worry, I didn't take offence at your comment.

The thing to remember in connection with OP's sensitivity (over sensitivity some have said) is we all come at this from different past experiences. If you come at it from a childhood, for instance, where your parents helped you to build self esteem around achievements and personality, this sort of comment will be like water off a duck's back. If on the other hand you grew up with parents who valued looks above all other things, a continually referred to you as the plain one in the family, maybe comparing you to a sister they did think was beautiful, then this sort of thing will matter to you - perhaps disproportionately so, but emotional responses are a bugger that way, specially the ones formed in childhood.

I get told I'm striking and handsome should I be having a tantrum

@MiniTheMinx "Beauty lasts a lifetime, long after you've ceased being "attractive" - Now you see I think the exact opposite

Just shows how people might mean the same degree of compliment whist using different words.