To leave them to it!

[sickofit111]

At the absolute end of my rope with teen DC (14 and 16). They are lazy, selfish and entitled, doing nothing to help out unless there's anything in it for them and even then not always. They are rude, constantly bicker and utterly 'entitled'. Frankly I feel embarrassed of at them at the moment

I've had enough; I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I have 3 part time jobs, a sick DM and constantly trying to keep in top of the chaos in the house without any help. DH works long hours and isn't in the house as much as me so it doesn't get to him but frankly he takes the piss too.

I've tried rewards, threats, confiscation of tech, rules, family meetings - nothing works. I'm sick of nagging, pleading, asking nicely.

WIBU to just step away during half term and leave them all to it? No school runs or appointments, the only area affected would be their social life! I was planning to do some nice things with them this week but why the fuck should I?!

As DM is unfortunately in hospital I could easily go and stay at her place and establish a bit of zen! Who knows if I stay long enough it might actually sink in that I am not their slave!

You made a big mistake to go home without FIRST having a serious is-this-the-end-of-our-marriage talk with DH. He should have come to talk to you at your mum's.
Salvage it now - go out of the house with DH as soon as he is back, to a park, for a walk, anywhere - and have that serious talk with him.
You will be worse of than ever if he doesn't 'get it'.

By 'get it' - I mean understand what is at stake.

Sounds like you both deserve some great mum and daughter bonding. So maybe you take DD with you next time?

Well done OP! I’ve got teenagers too and although they can be lazy, so can I 😬
Set jobs works for us! They all do washing and own ironing and have done since starting secondary school.
All clean own bedrooms
Hoover
Kitchen
Cool - basic meals and not as often as I would like! I’ve harped one about them learning these life skills for years so they know why I make them do stuff

Hope you find a routine that works! It’s character building for them and you xx
Good luck!

How were dh and ds?

Any updates OP?

@sickofit111 so how's it going? Are you back for good?

Balls, just lost a long post.
In a nutshell, long discussion with DH, who took on board my issues and why I'd taken a 'circuit break'
However, he didn't think we needed to 'militarise' the jobs that needed doing, instead everyone should just see what needed to be done and only have to be asked once

So I gave him enough rope.... and after a few
Days honeymoon period, what d'ya know, the moaning and prevarication started bubbling up again.
I stamped on it quickly and drew up a rota which helped to clarify things and the situation has improved but still I hear myself starting to nag again.
Jobs not done properly or to a half-arsed standard.

I see I'm shit at putting in proper consequences;
I don't know what to let slide or what to expect 100% compliance over. Do I withold all or part of allowances if any of the jobs aren't done properly (not that they've had any money over last few weeks)?

They were all unnerved by my 'circuit break' and they're under no illusion I won't do it again if they descend back into cheeky fuckerdom!!!

Jobs are as follows and I hope are reasonable given DS is in year 11, with mocks coming and doesn't get back from school until 6pm. Would appreciate opinions

DS
Monday - clean kitchen after dinner/Empty bins
Tuesday - dust round main living areas
Wed - clean bathroom
Thurs - cook dinner/wheelie bin out
Fri - clean kitchen after dinner/wheelie bin in
Sat - walk dog
Sun - clean bedroom

DD
Mon - vacuum whole house
Tues - clean kitchen after dinner/empty bin
Wed - cook
Thurs - clear up kitchen/empty bin
Fri - washing on/washing in tumble drier
Sat - clean bedroom
Sun - walk dog

I think vacuuming the whole house and cleaning the bathroom will cause ructions but everything else is fine.

What's on your DH's list?

And yeah, keep coming down hard on the whining and unhelpfulness.

@RhymesWithOrange

I think vacuuming the whole house and cleaning the bathroom will cause ructions but everything else is fine.

What's on your DH's list?

And yeah, keep coming down hard on the whining and unhelpfulness.

Our whole place is a small 3 bedroom bungalow so vacuuming literally takes 15 mins max. Also 1 very compact bathroom

DH is working 12 hour days at the moment and literally crawling in after 7pm so I haven't formally added him to the rota as yet...!)
He has been clearing up as well though and making much more of an effort to ensure DC pull their weight. One of my biggest gripes was that we weren't working as a team and he was leaving both the physical and mental graft to me. Early days but there is a shift in his attitude

That's encouraging. In that case crack on!

I have a messy but compliant 12 yo and I place a lot of emphasis on tidying up after yourself/tidying as you go along. Zero tolerance to shoes being left out, coats not put away.

It stops mess before it becomes a big chore to tackle.

It seems to me you’ve given your husband a free pass here. He really needs to be actively demonstrating he is pitching in and sharing household tasks. He works long hours but it sounds as if you do too. I think he needs to be doing much more than getting your children to pull their weight and a bit of clearing up.

If job not completed properly it will reappear on next day's rota until completed properly.
Do they have an allowance/ money from you? Make it dependent on jobs done properly.

Your DH needs to step up his game on the days he isn't working.

Your DS needs to be on the cooking rota... cos he needs to learn!!

You don't nag you just say you haven't done x chore

WiFi and data probably your best currency I know of families where the WiFi doesn't go on until chores are done?

I can see a few issues in your rota. Thurs Dd empties bin, DS takes bin out. That will get into arguments on the timing. Why not week about for bin duty?

From experience, it works best if the cook also has to clean up their own mess. Otherwise the cook is likely to be quite messy. Tried the one cooks the other cleans and it didn't go well with adults, so kids will probably be worse. I'd still get them to do kitchen on the nights you cook though.

The way I have done rotas before is week on / week off, Saturdays everyone pitched in for a couple of hours and you were done.

Our split was one person cooked for the week - that was buying groceries, cooking, cleaning the kitchen. The other person did everything for the pets. Then swap the following week. On Saturday bathroom, vacuum, dust, laundry. Many hands make light work and everyone could get a job to do, including your DH.

I would do the chores but get them to swap every week as you've got some gender based role split going on - DS does bins, dd does laundry.

I'd probably do
Chores 1
Clean kitchen daily
Cook two nights - one could be weekend
Dog walk sat
Bedroom

Chores 2 (basically a job per day)
Bins incl wheelie bin
Vacuum
Laundry
Bathroom
Dust
Dog walk sun
bedroom

From experience it's nice to have a whole week of not doing something (particularly thinking about meals!).

This is how my kids are rota'd. They do the same tasks, every day if they want their pocket money. This keeps it fair.
*One feeds dog in morning, one in the evening.
*They both have an after school chore. One does laundry sorting, one does dishes, it swaps days about.
*They both have to take the dog a short walk each day, and a longer walk is expected of them twice per week.

This is the BASICS. They will be asked to occasionally do other things out with this chart. This is what I consider to the the basic cost of living in a nice home and contributing to our family life. If they don't complete each task each day, they don't get pocket money for that task. Simple and its cut arguments down in my house.

I have printed this out so they have hard copies to tick each day. Its also all uploaded on their GoHenry accounts (an app that I use to pay their pocket money)

If your DS is going to be studying then he'll need a pass too!

Your DH would have to all this if he lived on his own and shared the childcare. Stop making excuses for him

As the mum of a 15yr DS who sounds very similar and OH also similar i actually did this. I went away for a week without them and left them to it. It worked only get half the amount of tutting now when i ask them to do something or i wait until they ask for something and then say hmmmm have you done what i asked you to do.

Hope you got a few days break