To leave them to it!

[sickofit111]

At the absolute end of my rope with teen DC (14 and 16). They are lazy, selfish and entitled, doing nothing to help out unless there's anything in it for them and even then not always. They are rude, constantly bicker and utterly 'entitled'. Frankly I feel embarrassed of at them at the moment

I've had enough; I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I have 3 part time jobs, a sick DM and constantly trying to keep in top of the chaos in the house without any help. DH works long hours and isn't in the house as much as me so it doesn't get to him but frankly he takes the piss too.

I've tried rewards, threats, confiscation of tech, rules, family meetings - nothing works. I'm sick of nagging, pleading, asking nicely.

WIBU to just step away during half term and leave them all to it? No school runs or appointments, the only area affected would be their social life! I was planning to do some nice things with them this week but why the fuck should I?!

As DM is unfortunately in hospital I could easily go and stay at her place and establish a bit of zen! Who knows if I stay long enough it might actually sink in that I am not their slave!

I got a lock for the linen cupboard. That stopped the offenders who took a fresh towel - sometimes two - every shower and dumped them on the bathroom floor. Each had towels colour coded to their bedroom, but they just took other people's. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Some children were clearly born to live in hotels...

A@NewlyGranny

Good advice.

Actually the towel suggestion is great.
After years of white only towels i bought everyone 3 individual coloured towels.
Everyone know whose are whose.

They don't throw them on the floor.
They also are hugely involved with laundry.
I don't like it, so I have them all involved.

It really is a gift to teach your children how to be a bit self sufficient......that's my story and I'm sticking to it😙.

Stay strong OP.

I've got 3 like this. It's an endless battle. I am constantly on at then to step up, participate and act like functioning human beings. It's exhausting. I'm on my own though so I'm stuck with it!

@NewlyGranny

I got a lock for the linen cupboard. That stopped the offenders who took a fresh towel - sometimes two - every shower and dumped them on the bathroom floor. Each had towels colour coded to their bedroom, but they just took other people's. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Some children were clearly born to live in hotels...

Excellent idea!

I really don't blame you at all. I hope it's been a wake up call for them.

I had three, and it was hard being outnumbered! They are all really great adults now. You have to think about how they'll cope in a student house or in halls or just in a shared place when they move out. Your child really doesn't want to be the one everybody hates because they never close a drawer, wash a pot, rinse the basin or clean the loo!

Worse yet, some housemates eat other people's food from the cupboard or fridge and don't lock the front door when they are last out!

DD1 had a London housemate (they were all working by then, not students) who ate her homemade pizza from the fridge and saw nothing wrong with that. She had lived at home up to that point. It was her bathroom habits that triggered the house meeting that saw her asked to leave in the end. 😳

Well done op. Make sure your dh is aware of the messages from your son. I would ask DS why he feels that you have responsibilities & obligations to him but he can't see that he has to step up and show responsibility to you? It's not a one way street, and whilst you will love him regardless you will not be treated badly.
They've got away with it for too long. I hope this is a reset and things will be better.

I need a plan, actually a script on how I approach this and say what needs to be said so they all get on board and really hear what I'm saying.

I'm liable to get emotional and ranty when faced with the inevitable resistance and 'but but but...' default stance. Then they've won.

Might just stride in the house with my flip chart, agenda, pointy stick thing and announce 'Yo, listen up CFs!'

Mine are now all responsible for their own laundry. I'm thinking of buying them two new sets of bedding each (as part of their Christmas present - grinch that I am!) that they keep in their rooms so that I can reclaim my airing cupboard. I might start giving them a cupboard or a shelf in the kitchen and tell them to crack on with 2 of their 3 meals a day. And allocate 3 chores each a week in rotation.

Treat them as if they're you're room mates not your kids. Tell them that they need to learn to be fully functioning adults or the world will hate them.

It would kinda suck if they are filth pigs but what about you don't cook for them, only do your laundry and if there is a spare room, colonize that and keep a lock on the door. If they are going to act like housemates, treat them like housemate not their mum.

Failing that, get the joint account and book an AirBnB/hotel (if still possible)

I've been following with awe and admiration that you stuck to your guns, I'm sure it was hard taking the decision to step back. I hope your mum is doing well.
Good luck for your return later. I think as long as you know clearly in your mind what you want from them and you don't back down then it will have been worth it. I would definitely have a list or script written down so you can keep on track incase your meeting gets emotional/heated. Keep strong, I'm sure it's hard but you need to keep this going or it will all have been for nothing. It's also for your kids benefit as well as your sanity. You definitely need to have a word with your OH to get him on the same page too. I truly wish you the best.

What about emailing them all?

I guess I would be thinking through how attitude at home relates to taxi duties and WiFi access??

Those things are a privilege for them.

Also think about good and snacks - basic rations only... (did you fancy losing weight?)

Laundry only gets washed if in the communal laundry basket(s) and is done to suit you. Put yours away there's gets left in a communal heap somewhere - alternate between their bedrooms so you don't have to see oh and leave DHs in with it.

Opening speech "I just have dealt with this years ago but we are where we are now and I'm not living like this anymore"

Ok, getting my thoughts together re expectations/rules
For starters....

The 3 of them each cook at least once a week
When not cooking take turns to clear up kitchen/empty or load dishwasher
All dirty laundry in basket (and it will be checked it's actually dirty!)
Own bed linen changed
Towels hung up in appropriate place, bathroom left in fit state
Any clothes shoes items left laying around will get thrown in box in garage
Hoover once a week
Dust once a week
Dog walked
Animals fed
Bins emptied and wheelie bin put out
Plates/cups/random to shit to come out of rooms daily and dealt with appropriately

You make the mess, you clear it up! Do it without constant bickering or attitude.

Next trickier stage will be how that gets tied in with sanctions/rewards. Ie When/how to manage WiFi, taxi service (though that may soon be null and void ), allowances etc.

Good list. Hopefully the shock of you disappearing will have scared them enough to take notice?

OP,

You really need to remain as calm as possible.

Getting upset and loud will be you seceding power to them.

The fact that they are haven't taken action and your husband has actively undermined you should be your motivator.

All three are a disgrace led by your twat of a husband.

If the house is a mess upon your return, tell them what you expect to happen and return to your mother's.

I mean it OP.

If they have so little respect for you that they really expect you to return and clean up their shit I honestly couldn't be around them.

Can you take a bedroom in the house on your own.

I wouldn't be returning to the marital bed either.

They have to want to change and improve things.
You can't make them.

All you can do is change your behaviour.

Change YOUR behaviour.

Do NOTHING for any of them.

Let your husband do ALL runs, including school.

Your husband is key to this and how this has all panned out.

He has deliberately undermined you at every turn.

He can neither like, love or respect you to have behaved thus.

I think you need to be deathly calm and HIM with the distain he has shown you.

Personally I would be looking at your marriage.

Because it is not in a good place if your husband is so determined to isolate you within the family.

OP, read you opening post again.

Remember how you felt.

When you return to the house and if you see it as it was, you either accept this is your life, where no one gives a damn about you or you take responsibility for yourself and leave them to it.

If the house has remained a mess, they truly are dreadful and couldn't be showing any clearer how little they think of you.

Honestly, I have definitely heard of mothers reading the riot act to their families but never where a mother was stood down and ignored.

If you allow this behaviour to stand, I promise you that their chances of forming healthy relationships as adults going forward will be impacted.

For them to be raised by such a waste of space father who models such a fundamental lack of self respect and respect for you, will leave its mark.

Respectfully, if your children remain resolute in not trying to resolve this situation I would believe them to be very much impacted already.

Wishing you the strength your children need.

Protect yourself.

I'm liable to get emotional and ranty when faced with the inevitable resistance and 'but but but...' default stance. Then they've won.

Is it too late to ask them to come to you today, instead of you going home? You’re less likely to just slip back into your old routine if you lay it on the line and can then send them packing to digest it.

Hi op, I’ve been following this thread and wanted to applaud you for following through!
I love your new rules but as a pp said, it would be good to change your behaviour too.
So I would suggest making some rules for yourself and laying them out in the meeting like:

• I will cook dinner on x,y,z days
• I will always do the am animal feeds and check water

-I will always do the pm dog walk Things like that. As soon as they realise that you’re serious and they have no dinner waiting on certain days, it will help reinforce your rules and that you’re not messing about. Consistency is key.

@Campurp

Great post.

Great idea to tell them what you WILL do.

Tell them anything else ye have to sort out yourselves.

But sticking to it will be key.

@Campurp

Hi op, I’ve been following this thread and wanted to applaud you for following through! I love your new rules but as a pp said, it would be good to change your behaviour too. So I would suggest making some rules for yourself and laying them out in the meeting like:

• I will cook dinner on x,y,z days
• I will always do the am animal feeds and check water

-I will always do the pm dog walk Things like that. As soon as they realise that you’re serious and they have no dinner waiting on certain days, it will help reinforce your rules and that you’re not messing about. Consistency is key.

Yes excellent approach, I will make a list of what jobs I will do and leave it at that.

What gets to me as much as anything is the DC bickering about 'whose turn it is'.
Do I really have to rota everything? Just fucking do it!

If you don’t rota it then it’s unlikely to happen

So you either need to rota them (we have a four weekly rota - I can’t be arsed with weekly changes) and for some jobs make it their jobs

So for the cooking, for example, that doesn’t need a rota. That just needs to be X turn on Y night rather than rota’d

OP could you make your nights away a regular thing? Once a week at your mum's? To give you a break, make your DH step up and also make them appreciate you a little more?

@lyralalala

If you don’t rota it then it’s unlikely to happen

So you either need to rota them (we have a four weekly rota - I can’t be arsed with weekly changes) and for some jobs make it their jobs

So for the cooking, for example, that doesn’t need a rota. That just needs to be X turn on Y night rather than rota’d

Would you be prepared to post your rota?

Be a good starting point to see what other peoples expectations are of their teens!