To leave them to it!

[sickofit111]

At the absolute end of my rope with teen DC (14 and 16). They are lazy, selfish and entitled, doing nothing to help out unless there's anything in it for them and even then not always. They are rude, constantly bicker and utterly 'entitled'. Frankly I feel embarrassed of at them at the moment

I've had enough; I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I have 3 part time jobs, a sick DM and constantly trying to keep in top of the chaos in the house without any help. DH works long hours and isn't in the house as much as me so it doesn't get to him but frankly he takes the piss too.

I've tried rewards, threats, confiscation of tech, rules, family meetings - nothing works. I'm sick of nagging, pleading, asking nicely.

WIBU to just step away during half term and leave them all to it? No school runs or appointments, the only area affected would be their social life! I was planning to do some nice things with them this week but why the fuck should I?!

As DM is unfortunately in hospital I could easily go and stay at her place and establish a bit of zen! Who knows if I stay long enough it might actually sink in that I am not their slave!

Just an extra thought for when you talk to your DH, OP. If you think he might get defensive and ask whether you're blaming him, be sure to frame it as, you aren't suggesting he caused the situation, but what has he done about noticing and preventing it? And what can he do as a team with you to fix it?

You're probably way ahead of me here, though.

Feeling crap today.

DS has sent a couple of unpleasant texts and it's really got to me. I know I I'm his Mum, not his friend but I hate the thought of him being so cross with me.
Utterly pathetic and I know it's just him kicking back against me laying the law down but he has this knack of making me feel like the shittest mother on the planet. Please reassure me this won't have ruined our relationship (or give me a wake up slap round the chops!)

Not helped by DH taking them out today (which is totally fine) and buying DS a new Xbox controller (which is far from fucking fine!)

He's making you feel bad because you've made him feel bad. His logical brain knows what's gone wrong but his hormones probably won't let him accept that he's to blame.

Your DH doesn't seem to be on board with this, he should have used this as the perfect excuse to lay down the law but seems to be pandering to their hurt feelings instead.

Family meeting is a great idea. Would it be too much to agenda it - every has a chance to add something and to speak - but to keep it on track?

OP I think you are brilliant for following through with your plan. Your DS is probably just lashing out, he probably didn't think you'd be away for the whole week and is scared that you actually did do it. Plus he probably now realises things will be different when you get back and he just might not know how to deal with that.

What he will need is guidance from you and your DH about how your new lifestyle is going to work (and maybe some reassurance that if everyone pitches in you aren't going to make a habit of leaving them). For that to work I'd say it is important for them to understand why you were pushed to breaking point.

Acknowledge that things this year are different and scary but that they aren't the only ones affected. You all need to pitch in and do your bit and if things don't get done, there will be consequences (I like the one where you control the wifi and turn it off until jobs are done). It won't take long to build up habits.

As a side note, your DH buying new xbox stuff really does not help! He needs to be on your side so maybe talk to him first (at your mum's house?) about how you are both going to approach the family meeting and agree on what needs to change.

Anyway good luck with it! You are very brave for doing that and I hope it works for you!

Yanbu.
But you do need to change the WiFi code before you go.
Take it with you.
Have a nice week.
Xxxxx

Your DH seems to be playing good cop/bad cop with this situation! Your DS will learn to respect and appreciate you but NOT if you are undermined by your DH rewarding him for bad behaviour and siding with him against you.

Once again, your DH needs to understand that if he allows the DC to play divide and rule, he will be the one picking up the extra burden of chores that leaves, not you. This bit is in your hands.

DS needs to know you love him and show your love by showing him how a family pulls together and how he grows into adulthood and independence by doing more, not less. You do him and any future partner no favours by raising him to be helpless and entitled to being served.

Your mantra needs to be,

"Nobody here is helpless, nobody gets waited on, nobody is anyone's service human,"

You definitely have a DH problem.

You're right about not sweating the small stuff but I've always been realistic on that front (in fact clearly far too lenient). I've only ever asked for them to do their bit and without constant attitude.
DS's room is disgusting and stinks. It's currently next to the lounge so makes the whole place smell. I don't expect a show room but neither should I have to put up with festering clothes, dirty crockery, sweet and food wrappers everywhere. I put a folded pile of clean clothes by his bed last week with instruction to put them away; still there yesterday with half of them on floor

You need to sit him down, explain why you did what you did and explain why the way he is behaving and treating your home is wrong.

Offer one last time to get his room sorted and straight or next time you're in with bin bags.

And he's part of the family and if he wants lifts and money then he does his fair share

Ssme go your DD

Why is DH buying them controllers for Xboxes when they're openly disrespecting you in this way? Surely his role is to back you up as your role is to back him up?

We have a 15 year old who can be a knob at times. But if he disrespected me via text, email or carrier pigeon you can bet DH wouldn't be buying him anything til he sorted his shit out because either you parent as a unit or your DC will ride all over you.

@sickofit111

Feeling crap today.

DS has sent a couple of unpleasant texts and it's really got to me. I know I I'm his Mum, not his friend but I hate the thought of him being so cross with me.
Utterly pathetic and I know it's just him kicking back against me laying the law down but he has this knack of making me feel like the shittest mother on the planet. Please reassure me this won't have ruined our relationship (or give me a wake up slap round the chops!)

Not helped by DH taking them out today (which is totally fine) and buying DS a new Xbox controller (which is far from fucking fine!)

You have a massive DH problem.

You are definitely being undermined by your DH. New xbox controller? What about a hand held hoover??

We have a TP mesh Deco M5 which both extends the wifi around the house and gives me water tight parental controls. I can set time limits, bedtimes and limit types of site and specific sights. I can also see what they've been looking at and when, and hit pause if anyone is annoying me.

It sounds like you have lost your power. The TP thing will give you some - it caused so many arguments at first because oooh the injustice but now they ask nicely for extra.

I said it earlier in the week, you have a DH problem your DS has learnt this attitude towards you from him.

Buying him an X Box controlller???

Ok so it turns out DS did some jobs in DH's office the other day and the controller was payment.

I've been told the house is immaculate

I know lm late to the party but good on you. Way too many parents tolerate this shit. I also think DH needs to get on side and sort who his loyalties are with. They also need to know this isn’t a one off if they don’t up their games.

What a pity your son can't see his part in this.
His attitude and laziness.

Your husband rewarding them is obscene IMO and to say in your place I would be furious is putting it mildly.

A perfect example of his supreme selfishness, putting himself first.

He clearly disagrees with your action.

He clearly wants to show the children he doesn't support or respect you.

He has hugely undermined your place in the home.

He sounds like a really selfish man.

I wouldn't be able to look at him.

I feel very sorry for you, married to such a waste of space.

Personally I would do absolutely nothing for him going forward.

He can take over food, laundry , ferrying his children around.

I would no longer allow myself be run ragged for a family and husband with so little regard for me.

We teach people how to treat us.

Please update us OP

Your DS needs a good talking to about respecting you though.

Good work!!!!

Just do the bear minimum for them when you get back and the school run if there is no bus. Cook your own dinner, do your own washing and let them try to sort their own. They will soon start to appreciate you and will be better human beings for it! Short term pain for a long term gain!!

When I went to uni there were people who had never washed their own clothes or used a can opener, complete failure by the parents and they had no idea how to survive.

@billy1966

What a pity your son can't see his part in this. His attitude and laziness.

Your husband rewarding them is obscene IMO and to say in your place I would be furious is putting it mildly.

A perfect example of his supreme selfishness, putting himself first.

He clearly disagrees with your action.

He clearly wants to show the children he doesn't support or respect you.

He has hugely undermined your place in the home.

He sounds like a really selfish man.

I wouldn't be able to look at him.

I feel very sorry for you, married to such a waste of space.

Personally I would do absolutely nothing for him going forward.

He can take over food, laundry , ferrying his children around.

I would no longer allow myself be run ragged for a family and husband with so little regard for me.

We teach people how to treat us.

At this present moment I can't really disagree, the proof will be in the pudding when I go home tomorrow and can actually talk to them in person.

It feels like 3 against 1 but am truly hoping I am wrong

I think you need to set jobs for them... that actually just affect them...

Only clothes that are washed are those that are in the wash basket. Ds2 has a floor-robe and l refuse to wash anything not in the basket... not problem if no clean uniform.

They make their own lunch for school. If they can't be bothered ... they're hungry.

Keep aside plates bowls etc for yourself... or even better purchase a different colour/pattern for each person. No clean plate for dinner as all in their room.... no dinner

@FourDecades

I think you need to set jobs for them... that actually just affect them...

Only clothes that are washed are those that are in the wash basket. Ds2 has a floor-robe and l refuse to wash anything not in the basket... not problem if no clean uniform.

They make their own lunch for school. If they can't be bothered ... they're hungry.

Keep aside plates bowls etc for yourself... or even better purchase a different colour/pattern for each person. No clean plate for dinner as all in their room.... no dinner

Love the idea of separate crockery/cutlery

My issue with doing nothing though is that means I also have to live in the shit tip. I can only hold out so long and as we currently all have to share the one bathroom even I have my limits!

It's got to be more a case of them doing their fair share so we all benefit from a clean and realistically tidy home.

I'm in awe of you OP and fascinated as to what you will find when you get home.

I'd love to do this. So much. But suspect my DH to be part of the problem too

I really feel for you OP.

You must feel very hurt, but the truth is, this really is a critical time to stand your ground.

I think if you can, remain very very calm and implacable.

Don't get upset or emotional.

Be as steely as possible.

They wish to behave as if you neither matter nor count.

They clearly need to be allowed to carry on and sort themselves out.

Your husband is both an awful role model as a husband and father for your children.

But let them all jog on with their behaviour.
Visit your mother regularly and stay over often.

This is a battle of nerves.

I would not be giving in to their pure disrespect.

I admit a situation like this would make me very bloody minded.

As far as the bathroom goes, or clutter dumped in the shared zones, any clothing or towels they leave in the bathroom gets dumped on their bed, right in the middle, so they can't climb in without having to do something with it.

Shoes, bags etc in communal areas, I got a big IKEA lidded recycling box and put it outside the back door and dumped it in there. They got one reminder, then they were foraging outside for their stuff.

It worked. No hard feelings from them years down the track now. It was shake them into shape or go under for me as I was the primary breadwinner and did long hours.

The secret is to be stone deaf to "Mum/DW, where's my..?!" If pushed, shrug and point silently in the direction of the dump bin.

I cannot stress enough that this will NOT work if your DH leaves his stuff strewn about. If the DC can point and say, "Dad doesn't have to do why should we?' you might have to move out for a couple of weeks next time until things are ticking right!

I bought different coloured towels For everyone and fined anyone who did not hang their towels up.
That stopped the towel on the floor behaviour very quickly