To leave them to it!

[sickofit111]

At the absolute end of my rope with teen DC (14 and 16). They are lazy, selfish and entitled, doing nothing to help out unless there's anything in it for them and even then not always. They are rude, constantly bicker and utterly 'entitled'. Frankly I feel embarrassed of at them at the moment

I've had enough; I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I have 3 part time jobs, a sick DM and constantly trying to keep in top of the chaos in the house without any help. DH works long hours and isn't in the house as much as me so it doesn't get to him but frankly he takes the piss too.

I've tried rewards, threats, confiscation of tech, rules, family meetings - nothing works. I'm sick of nagging, pleading, asking nicely.

WIBU to just step away during half term and leave them all to it? No school runs or appointments, the only area affected would be their social life! I was planning to do some nice things with them this week but why the fuck should I?!

As DM is unfortunately in hospital I could easily go and stay at her place and establish a bit of zen! Who knows if I stay long enough it might actually sink in that I am not their slave!

This is them resisting the consequences.

They really see you as the house skivvy and your husband, by not totally being on your side, is reinforcing the message.

Not very nice.
Not respectful.
Certainly not how I would want my children thinking it was ok to behave at that age.

It would make me even more resolute.
Stay at your mother's.

Your husband is a waste of space to be presiding and participating in such disregard for you.

Remain strong.

My dd's are currently on the last of their phone data. Their phone/laptop WiFi is off via app.
They know no top ups until their room is finished.
The New Rule...

Morning...thank you all.
Had a better night and feel stronger today.
Back at work today but enjoyed yesterday just walking the dog and doing jobs in my Mum's House.

Also when I get 'home' later I won't face a shit tip accompanied by the standard moaning and demands.
Dinner for 1 with trash tv and peace. Bliss!

@Sunnydaysstillhere

My dd's are currently on the last of their phone data. Their phone/laptop WiFi is off via app. They know no top ups until their room is finished. The New Rule...

Which app do you use for the WiFi? I want to control the router password but suspect DS knows how to re-set the router

Sounds great

I think most parents find the grind over decades really starts to eat away at this point. The energy and enthusiasm required simply is not there, when we have become so depleted and tired - so you are doing the right thing. Recharging, reviewing your dynamics, getting stronger and hopefully you will feel more positive when you return. It is not okay to be run into the ground, it just isn't. Those that advocate more pandering may have their own reasons for such suggestions, but honestly the route to burn out is very easy to fall into these days with covid. We all need to make self care a priority.

Just waiting for dh to tell me about the app and he isn't home!! I am so not technically sound!
The TV remote gives me The Rage!
Hang in there op. My teens are still self sufficient after we withdrew services last week. Their laundry is piling up daily!.

The MyBt app with our BT broadband and complete WiFi lets you set switch off times for individual devices. As my dc have just noticed and protested about.

Our is the virgin media app. All dc's devices are ID'd and can be switched off in an instant!!. Very satisfying!!

Hmm we're with Plusnet and doesn't appear to be a BB app

Removing chargers is a good tool....

@sickofit111 how are you doing?

Still at DM's, reckon on going home Saturday.

My point has been made but need to have a long conversation with DH about the need to parent as a team. We both have to set the same expectations and enforce consequences when things don't happen. I didn't sign up to taking sole responsibility for parenting and family/home life.
We then need to have a family meeting but I don't know best how to set the right tone about how we move forward

DD misses me and wants me home now but DS seems very distant when I speak to him. Difficult to read what he's thinking but I think it's a combination of hurt and anger at my leaving. As much as he needed a reality check I also see I need to work on our relationship and the way I approach things. We've lost our connection.

Have told a few friends in RL who said they all feel similarly at times and total jealousy at my having a bolt hole!!!
Makes me feel slightly less shit about things.

Bravo 🙌🏼 standing ovation here!!

Your husband has to take a huge responsibility for things coming to this.

Teens ca be very lazy if you allow it.

Your husband can't just opt for the quiet life and leave you to it.

You need to have a really frank chat with him.

It's not difficult to fall out of love with the father of your children if they abdicate responsibility for their children and leave the hard parenting work to their wife.

You need to tell him clearly that you are not happy in your relationship with him because he has chosen to put himself and his needs ahead of his wife, his children and the family as a unit.

Spell out exactly what you expect from him going forward and ask for a firm commitment.

If he's not prepared to do that, there is little going to change and things will deteriorate further.

Start with your husband.

When parents stand together, children know it.

Best of luck.

I think you’ve done the right thing, and I also think you need to take a harder stance going forward.

My mum would shout that we did nothing or she would weep that we did nothing but she never ever said “you treat me like an unpaid servant in my own home, and I’m not having it any more. Either you start stepping up and helping when asked - or just off your own back - or I will gradually just stop doing stuff for you and please myself. Which is exactly what you are doing, so before you get annoyed or upset about that think about how it feels to be me right now”.

But I do agree, start with your husband. Also maybe go in hard but also have a bit of a timetable planned.

Well done OP 👍 hope the family meeting goes well this time around. I could have moved out 6 months ago but had no bolt hole and knew my grotty stroppy teens would be in Uni. Now both are miles away dealing with their own laundry/food shopping/cooking/clearing up and cleaning/tight money situation 😀

Actually before I come up with suggestions, I'm going to ask DH for his ideas first! That will demonstrate his motivation for moving forward

That's a great idea OP. Ask for them before you go back.

Most important thing is not letting things slide back to how they were after this short sharp shock. You've done really well 👏

We sat them down and said we all work and study full time, we all contribute to the mess so we should all contribute to the clean up. Said as equal members of family, not as parents. Although did point out that we pay for most things.
We then divided up the jobs and set the expectations.
They do their own washing, clean their bedrooms and bathroom.
We do kitchen, family room, our bedroom and bathroom.
Everyone cooks at least once a week and cleans up at least once a week.
There was some trying to default back to me initially, but I just pushed back.
When I got the message that they were not available to cook, I would suggest swapping with sibling or doing a slow cooker.
Now they are all grown adults and we share the house happily while they save to move out.
Good luck.

Good for you! Resist the guilt tripping from whichever direction. DD telling you what mother's can and cannot do is a joke. Ask him what his responsibilities are...

I think once you have thoroughly agreed with your DH what reasonable expectations of the DC are - make sure he knows all will be lost and the whole burden will fall on him if he pulls faces behind your back and says 'Your mum' with an eyeroll - you need to make clear to the DC what happens next.

Remember, you have ALL the power here; you just haven't been exercising it. They need to earn back the privileges they've taken for granted, i.e. anything beyond a roof over their head and simple sustenance. No taxi-ing them beyond the school run, they can manage their own laundry including bedlinen and towels and no snack foods takeaways and drinks etc over the basic daily provision. Each of them can be responsible for one family meal a week and when they aren't cooking, they are on clean-up. Plan a menu as a family and have it up on the kitchen wall so nobody can forget their turn. Shop to the menu without extras. If someone fails to produce a meal on their turn, make sure they are not catered for in the emergency standby meal. Yes, truly. They won't starve and you don't want to teach them they can ignore their turn and it will just be picked up.

Everything needs to be done without prompting because you hate 'nagging' even more than they do.

Negotiate their special requests on a one-off basis so you get maximum impact for every favour. Don't hesitate to use their own phrases to resist pressure, e.g. "I can't be bothered," or whatever they say to you. Personalise it so they recognise themselves.

If you work as a team and don't yield, everyone will benefit. They will thank you in the end.

I went on laundry strike when mine were still pre-teen and had to ignore a full basket of school uniform wet washing my three had done on Friday night. It sat on the kitchen floor all weekend. They wore damp uniform on Monday. They didn't like it but it didn't kill them. My issue was the endles "Mum, where's my..?" and seeing clean, folded clothes still in neat piles put back in the dirty laundry basket when they were told to tidy because it was easier than putting them away!

It. Worked.

It will work for you, too.

I'd be telling DS that no one deserves to be treated disrespectfully. Just because you are a mum, it does not give everyone free rein to treat you poorly and expect you to be their servant. Taking a break and leaving them to look after themselves (which they are of an age to be perfectly capable of) is not running away. It's you looking after yourself as no one else seems to care. You're not the dogs body. You're not the only person capable of doing chores etc However no one else is inclined to do their share (from what you've said). Moving forward the expectation is everyone does their share, without prompting, without complaining. That would include vacuuming, cooking, laundry as well as keeping bedrooms at a base standard of cleanliness.

I would be asking the DC for their ideas too...

You feel unappreciated and disrespected by them what do they think the should be changing? It could be very enlightening...

If your DS comes out with more "but it's your job" bollocks it needs nipping in the bud by your H!

Well done OP - you're my hero

There is no way I could be ok with this. She is only 14 sad she needs your support. Not the feeling of complete abandonment. Christ alive she's 14! She knows her mum's coming back FGS. She needs a life lesson and she's getting a very important one right now. Push people to their limit with disrespect and there's consequences.

As for this charmer:

I couldn't live in a house with so much disrespect as yours have my first what a knobtastic post!

OP I feel you! Things got so bad with my lazy shit of a 14 year old DS that he went and moved in with his Dad. The final straw - finding him in bed asleep with his laptop on charge and the charging lead UNDER his memory foam mattress. He called me an unreasonable bitch for suggesting he might set us all on fire.

The house has never been nicer and although I feel really really sad about it he was making things unbearable and I actually felt sick about being at home

Hope yours buck their ideas up, OP. This is the worst bit of parenting in my opinion.