To leave them to it!

[sickofit111]

At the absolute end of my rope with teen DC (14 and 16). They are lazy, selfish and entitled, doing nothing to help out unless there's anything in it for them and even then not always. They are rude, constantly bicker and utterly 'entitled'. Frankly I feel embarrassed of at them at the moment

I've had enough; I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I have 3 part time jobs, a sick DM and constantly trying to keep in top of the chaos in the house without any help. DH works long hours and isn't in the house as much as me so it doesn't get to him but frankly he takes the piss too.

I've tried rewards, threats, confiscation of tech, rules, family meetings - nothing works. I'm sick of nagging, pleading, asking nicely.

WIBU to just step away during half term and leave them all to it? No school runs or appointments, the only area affected would be their social life! I was planning to do some nice things with them this week but why the fuck should I?!

As DM is unfortunately in hospital I could easily go and stay at her place and establish a bit of zen! Who knows if I stay long enough it might actually sink in that I am not their slave!

@Friendsoftheearth

OP, I have a similar situation too. I have just come out of hospital and I could cry I am so cross. Teens lounging around everywhere totally lacking in motivation, dh working 70 hours and doing all of the housework and jobs and trying to care for me. I have asked them to help, they do reluctantly. They think I should be better by now, despite the 6 week recovery time I have been given.

I blew my top this morning and took away all tech, and said until the rooms are tidy, they are showered and washed. I want to see a game plan for next week in terms of exercise, eating something beyond cereal and helping at home they can't expect any tech back.
Since then they have been out for a bike ride, tidied up and actually had a shower. I think I am being too lenient, because I have been in too much pain. Dh will do anything for a quiet life as he is burnt out, they are taking full advantage.

They are teens and can be selfish and incapable of seeing anything other than their own needs.

If I could, and was you I would go back to my mothers house and make it lovely for her, then rest and relax at least for a few days. Make a stand that you won't put up with it. If the house is a tip on your return, no one has any tech until it is spotless again.

Time to be firmer op. It is hellish I know. You have my sympathy

Hope you are in the mend soon

Your situation sounds so similar to mine. DH definitely opts for the easy life approach, as like your DH he is burnt out. Amongst being in and out all day with my other jobs, I also work late evenings 4 times a week so can't be around to minitor what they are/aren't doing. By the time DH gets back from work the last thing he wants to be doing is drilling the DC on state of house/homework and so it all gets left.

Am now at DM's. TBH I don't feel great about it, DD was in tears when I left. Made me feel shit, like I was permanently walking out
But hopefully an afternoon of bimbling followed by wine, long bath and early night will ease the anxiety!!

Wow congratulations OP! I expect there'll be a lot of women following your stand with interest

Well done you, and don't feel bad!

You are teaching your dd about boundaries, and that is a good thing! Enough is enough.
Maybe the tears were because dd felt bad, was worried about missing you or simply that her taxi service has dried up (Impossible to know isn't it!) but you must do this for yourself, and your wellbeing and now they will all know you mean business!!

No one is ever going to listen to you, appreciate your efforts or change unless you draw the line somewhere. They will be fine, and hopefully it will shock them into helping you much more. You are going to burn out, and will be no use to anyone then. So take your sweet time at your mother's house, make the most of the peace. They WILL be completely fine. They are not babies, and maybe after this they will start to help more, and notice your needs. A few days off will do you the world of good op

I think we earn respect by being strong, caring about ourselves enough not to get broken by life, by having rock solid boundaries and red lines that we are not afraid to enforce.

If you had carried on being a servant to all of their needs, and become a doormat, then it can't be a surprise when they start wiping their feet on you. You have made a stand now, and be proud of it. It took a lot for you to do this, a wake up call is long overdue!

You can't pour from an empty cup. I love that saying.

If I could walk I would join you!! As I can't, I will have to put up with this until I can...enjoy it!!!!!!!

Sometimes you need a dramatic gesture to get your point across when the hundreds of other times haven't worked

If it helps I blew my top this summer with teen DS who is utterly idle and I changed the wi-fi password (which is surprisingly easy to do).

Want use of the 'free' wi-fi that I pay for? Then earn it. Or find you can't use your phone/Xbox once your limited data is used up.

It worked surprisingly well.

I'm so interested to see how your teens cope without you for a while, good for you! Sometimes I have this fantasy for myself but have nowhere to go lol. Enjoy your time at your mum's, treat yourself and set some firm boundaries for your return home. I hope your mum is okay.x

Unfortunately even well brought up teens can be selfish little gits.

It takes a lot of energy to keep them on the short and narrow.

Self interest is their main motivator.

I think you needed a break from their selfishness.

They are old enough to have it spelt out to them.

I think you need to communicate to your husband that until he steps up to parent with you, and support you, you will remain with your mother.

Invariably mothers do too much, I am certainly guilty of it at times and then I get very cranky and adopt a zero tolerance position.

Make a list of the jobs you want done BEFORE your return.

Inform them you will no longer do laundry, lifts or cook for them if they don't buck up and pull their weight.

Let them live on sandwiches for a bit to drive the point home.

We teach our children how to treat us and I know that mine don't like it when I withdraw services.

They are not babies any more.
14 and 16 are old enough to know that we all have to help out.

Enjoy your rest and I hope your mother picks up soon.

Parents teach their children consideration of others.....yours clearly need a dose of reality.

Do not feel guilty.
They have brought this on themselves.

As I have said many times in this house "you choose the behaviour, you accept the consequences".

I will NOT accept the role of skivvy in this house.

Best of luck OP.

OP I'm sorry you're having a rough time but can I just check, you have told your DC when you're coming back, haven't you? It's not clear from your posts. Saying "I'm going to stay at Grandma's for a few days, I'm feeling unappreciated and I need some space, I'll be back on X" is perfectly fine. But if you've just announced to your DC that you're leaving and then walked out, with no indication of where you're going or when (or even if!) you're coming back then that really isn't ok. Apologies if this has already been made clear and I've missed it!

I say good on you! When I was a teen (with utterly lovely supportive parents) they sat me and my sister down and explained they worked so hard and they wanted us to feel we had a degree of responsibility. So we had to put our own washing on, do our rooms and make our own breakfast and lunches. They’d give us a basic pocket money - about a fiver a week- but we could top up by doing extra bits such as cleaning the bathroom/kitchen, washing the car, walking the dogs, cooking an evening meal. We could also earn lifts into the city at weekend.

When we turned 16 they supported us to get Saturday jobs then helped us learn to save and we paid our own mobile credit etc. I am planning to do similar with my DS. They’ll be off on their own in the near(ish) future so it’s good for them to pick up housekeeping skills and routines now. I was gobsmacked when I got to uni and one of my housemates had never used a washing machine or cooker!!

Kids are a bit selfish by nature and a gentle push to be more helpful isa good thing.

Thank you.... all your supportive replies have made me feel a little less crap about what I've resorted to.

I have let so much slide as both DC have struggled mentally through lockdown and are prone to anxiety. But this doesn't give the green light for them to act like a pair of feral, entitled CFs! .Have been especially treading on eggshells with DS as he struggles at school and has mocks coming up; not wanting to put too much pressure on him has equated to to him becoming a rude, lazy young man

Somehow I have lost myself in all this, lowered standards, expectations and let them walk over me.

I am also hoping from this DH has a massive wake up call and realises I can only be pushed so far.

@Washimal

OP I'm sorry you're having a rough time but can I just check, you have told your DC when you're coming back, haven't you? It's not clear from your posts. Saying "I'm going to stay at Grandma's for a few days, I'm feeling unappreciated and I need some space, I'll be back on X" is perfectly fine. But if you've just announced to your DC that you're leaving and then walked out, with no indication of where you're going or when (or even if!) you're coming back then that really isn't ok. Apologies if this has already been made clear and I've missed it!

I've told them potentially whole of half term but that it's up to then to convince me otherwise.

Perfect timing really as nothing planned anyway and the only disruption is to their social plans. So tough shit really!

good for you. take time to recover before a covid christmas, and gcses.

You raised them. You have allowed their behaviour to escalate to this level.

This is like those parents of easygoing toddlers who get all smug when they see another toddler tantrumming in the,supermarket.

All bets are off when it comes to teens. Their brains are going through a massive overhaul, and there are multiple factors influencing their behaviour over which parents have very little control.

Yanbu. Let us know if it works!

Good for you, OP. I hope they come to their senses, and that your DH steps up too.

A friend dealt with her teens leaving their crap all over the house by giving them 48 hours notice that anything of theirs not put away when it was not in use would go in the bin. She only had to do it twice before they started putting their shit away!

Jesus!

You make us here in our house feel so lucky!

We've 5 kids at home, ds 2, dsd 7, dss 9, dss 13 and dss16!!!

There's no tech until bedrooms are done, for an hour after each meal and for an hour before bed.

They each have set jobs to do with each meal and if they don't do their job then they lose tech for that session (I.e. don't do job after lunch they lose the afternoon session).

I couldn't live in a house with so much disrespect as yours :(

I couldn't live in a house with so much disrespect as yours :(*

Neither can op so she's sorting it. Good for you op stick to your guns.
Nothing worse when you're feeling low to have a smug sanctimonious person showing their wonderful life!

Good luck OP! Hope you have a lovely calm evening 🍷

@Grrrpredictivetex

* I couldn't live in a house with so much disrespect as yours :(*

Neither can op so she's sorting it. Good for you op stick to your guns.
Nothing worse when you're feeling low to have a smug sanctimonious person showing their wonderful life!

Hhhmmm never been called smug before.

Believe me it's not all plain sailing and it's taken time to get it where it is.

Enjoy the rest!!!

I wouldn't be rushing back and even if you do it doesn't mean you get on board with facilitating their social life and clearing up after them and feeding them. They need to prove they are no longer taking you for granted!!!

Enjoy your break. You are just establishing your worth and this will help their own future self respect.
Don't go back to picking everything up. No nagging, but if their work is not done and their rooms are not tidy, don't facilitate their social life.

Good for you

Good for you OP. Take some time for yourself and let it sink in for them.

whoah there.

Before you go, make a list of all the jobs and housework the brats need to do and end it with " I am on holiday. YOU are going to work. I shall not return until all this is done."