To leave them to it!

[sickofit111]

At the absolute end of my rope with teen DC (14 and 16). They are lazy, selfish and entitled, doing nothing to help out unless there's anything in it for them and even then not always. They are rude, constantly bicker and utterly 'entitled'. Frankly I feel embarrassed of at them at the moment

I've had enough; I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I have 3 part time jobs, a sick DM and constantly trying to keep in top of the chaos in the house without any help. DH works long hours and isn't in the house as much as me so it doesn't get to him but frankly he takes the piss too.

I've tried rewards, threats, confiscation of tech, rules, family meetings - nothing works. I'm sick of nagging, pleading, asking nicely.

WIBU to just step away during half term and leave them all to it? No school runs or appointments, the only area affected would be their social life! I was planning to do some nice things with them this week but why the fuck should I?!

As DM is unfortunately in hospital I could easily go and stay at her place and establish a bit of zen! Who knows if I stay long enough it might actually sink in that I am not their slave!

Well they're a result of the way you raised them. If I had DC they'd be doing their own laundry as soon as they were physically capable of carrying a load to the washing machine.

If you don’t have a rota, how will they know whose turn it is? Seriously?

This thread reminds me of a training course I attended. At the time, one of my team was an absolute pita, never contributed anything (was eventually sacked). The course leader kept telling us all how we can’t change others’ behaviour, only our own. You’ve done that by leaving them to it, but if you go back without changing how YOU do things, they won’t change. You can go in with a bunch of rules and rotas, but you’re better off getting them to offer days/chores. I would not step in to do anything for them, tho, if they don’t offer. No lifts, no cooking/laundry/cleaning. I think your dh is key here, he MUST be on board.

I think in the long run, OP, whatever the guilt trips, this is really good behaviour to be modelling to both DS and DD. To demonstrate self esteem and boundaries and to hold those boundaries. It may be difficult for them now if you don't cave in and go back to your all-caring female support role. But, for example, in later life if your DD ever finds herself in a place where she's getting taken advantage of, setting an example like this could strengthen her too.

@sickofit111

I need a plan, actually a script on how I approach this and say what needs to be said so they all get on board and really hear what I'm saying.

I'm liable to get emotional and ranty when faced with the inevitable resistance and 'but but but...' default stance. Then they've won.

Might just stride in the house with my flip chart, agenda, pointy stick thing and announce 'Yo, listen up CFs!'

Point out that they are really being disrespectful.

You do your best to treat them well, why do you not deserve the same consideration?

And that you will withdraw labour if it carries on (why wash stuff if they don't keep it clean till it's worn?)

Good list of 'stuff to do' OP... dole it out and stick to it.
I have 'room a day' list - Mon - Kitchen, Tues - Bathroom etc for thourough clean/tidy withlittle tick lists of EVERYTHING that needs doing in that room. Then I have an 'everyday' with things like general shoe tidy, bags/coats away etc.
My kids are a bit younger than yours, but they signed a contract to say they would stick to these lists WITHOUT MOANING or needing to be prompted or MOANED AT! Anytime a job is incomplete or is only done because we badgered them we deduct 50p from their pocket money. If they reach the £2.50 mark in deductions... they lose all of their pocket money that month. Its only happened once that they've lost all theor pocket money ;)

We've basically told them that until they are rich enough to pay someone to do all the dull grunt/house work they have to chip in and help as part of the family! I did start quite early though and at 9 and 12 they both do their own laudry, drying and ironing!

OP,
We never had a rota.
We🙄, I mean I, allocated jobs to them.

They all have their own bedroom which they keep tidy.

No one went anywhere at the weekend until rooms were in shape.
Plates in bedrooms has never been an issue here.

All washing brought to the laundry room.
One son is in charge of the 4 loos we have.
The boys share a bathroom, so they look after the shower etc.
Hoovering is the girls job.
Laundry is divided by the lot of them.
Everyone pitches in and hangs out, brings in, tumble drys etc.
I tend to cook most of the time.

I assign random jobs like going to shops etc.
They cut the grass.
Sweep decking.

We have a lovely home and they have to help out.

They do their bit but only because they know it is in their best interests.

Oh they pick up after themselves only because they were trained that way.
I called them every time to hang coats, shoes in boxes, put away bags, tidy toys.
Every time.
So they are used to the idea of being expected to tidy up after themselves or that they will be called to do it, if they don't!!

A friend of mine would gather in a large black bag random stuff that was thrown around by her teens, put it in her boot and deny all knowledge of it for a week.

This drove them mad and she found they left less stuff lying around.

She also ceased all help to find things or give guidance.

Small things like this "work to rule" actions do help to buck them up.

I wouldn't actually be thinking about rewards and allowance etc they've lost there rights to that (and be driven around)

I'd also be taking the new Xbox controller away. WTF was your "d"h thinking!?

At your family meeting, keep as calm as you can.

Use "i" statements: when you do x, I feel y because....

I think it's less about doling out jobs, more about listening to each other and working on mutual respect (although you may all agree as a family that jobs DO need to be listed out and divvy'd up).

Start with "so, I've not been here for a week, how has that been for you? What's been good? What's been bad?"

Discuss what the problems have been from EVERYONE'S perspective (be prepared for " you're always nagging" type comments).

Once all issues aired, together start working on some solutions.

Be prepared to listen as well as talk.... ALL ideas welcome

Write them all down, no matter how ridiculous.
Together, agree 2 or 3 from the list to try first.

Good luck

@billy1966

OP, We never had a rota. We🙄, I mean I, allocated jobs to them.

They all have their own bedroom which they keep tidy.

No one went anywhere at the weekend until rooms were in shape.
Plates in bedrooms has never been an issue here.

All washing brought to the laundry room.
One son is in charge of the 4 loos we have.
The boys share a bathroom, so they look after the shower etc.
Hoovering is the girls job.
Laundry is divided by the lot of them.
Everyone pitches in and hangs out, brings in, tumble drys etc.
I tend to cook most of the time.

I assign random jobs like going to shops etc.
They cut the grass.
Sweep decking.

We have a lovely home and they have to help out.

They do their bit but only because they know it is in their best interests.

Oh they pick up after themselves only because they were trained that way.
I called them every time to hang coats, shoes in boxes, put away bags, tidy toys.
Every time.
So they are used to the idea of being expected to tidy up after themselves or that they will be called to do it, if they don't!!

A friend of mine would gather in a large black bag random stuff that was thrown around by her teens, put it in her boot and deny all knowledge of it for a week.

This drove them mad and she found they left less stuff lying around.

She also ceased all help to find things or give guidance.

Small things like this "work to rule" actions do help to buck them up.

You talk/ write so much sense! Are you Supernanny in another guise??

I am in awe of how it all seems to work so smoothly for you (it's called setting expectations at a young age Sick!)

What happens if your DC don't do what's asked? How quickly and strongly do you you pull them up? What sanctions do you use?

OP,
Thank you, but first off I was at home fulltime and self interest drove me.

I was busy enough, had them late enough and had no desire to be doing everything for them for ever.

I also have a husband who does his share.

My children would allow me wait on the hand and foot if they could get away with it.

I think they are as lazy as most teens are.

The difference is than I wasn't prepared to all them to sit on their bums watching their father and I run around, around them, whilst also driving them to endless activities/matches/social meet ups.

They also by no means do as much as some of their friends.

Some of their friends have working mum's and they do loads more.
Some of their friends do nothing because they have a cleaner several times a week and their parents are run ragged.

The bottom line is self interest is all that drives a lot of teens.
They do it only because I will make life uncomfortable for them.

They know I will and have done, turned wifi off, removed ps4 controls, remove their phone for 24 hours, not buy them a phone package, won't drop them anywhere.

I have done all of the above.

I won't be any more of a skivvy in this house than I am.

You work so hard outside the home, you are helping your DM.

It really isn't too much to ask for them all to share the load.

Just stop doing stuff for them.

If you want them to change, then YOU should be prepared to change too.

Stop making their lives so comfortable.

Let them wear smelly uniforms.
Let them eat sandwiches.
Buy yourself a phone package so you can do without the wifi (that's what i did).

Your husband has to be part of the solution here rather than being a selfish prick, making YOUR life harder than it already is.

If my husband behaved like yours, he'd be sleeping with one eye open 🤬.....I would be so furious to be undermined as you are.

Great advice on here. I hope they take notice.

I would point out that there are two reasons for a change in responsibilities
a) you aren't a servant, you are entitled to respect and to leisure time
b) they will want to leave home at some point and flatmates won't put up with lack of basic hygiene, having a room that smells so bad it stinks the whole place out.

You need to let them fail, if its their turn to cook and they don't, get a takeaway just for you
And be prepared to go back to your mums if you have to.

Fingers crossed you go home and it's immaculate today.

So I'm back!

Came back to an immaculate house and a DD who threw herself at me in joy!

DH however is at work and DS with him. Trying not to overthink it as he often goes in on a Sat to tie up loose ends but the cynic in me suspects it's a protest absence

Oh good to hear

So delighted thatbthe house is clean.
Thank goodness for that.

You get any attitude from your husband, you deal with it like you would a petulant toddler.
Ignore.

Still lay out to them what you are prepared to do.

Tell them that if there is a repeat of the disrespect, you will be taking the opportunity to stay at your mother's and offering her additional support which at least she appreciates.

Please, please do NOT revert back to taking over.

I still think that you need a very frank private chat with your husband.

If he gives you attitude when he returns, be as frank as needs be.

In no way be apologising for taking a break from the lazy, disrespectful, selfish attitudes that permeates the house.

Tell them you will NO longer put up with it and you will no longer be killing yourself.

Dinner priovided on certain nights, expect them to provide it other nights.

Get them preparing potatoes and veg as well which is another handy job to hand over.

Ironing is a great job to get them to also take over.

I ironed as a 14 year old. It's really not difficult.

Stay strong and resolute.

I hope DD's joy was accompanied by an apology and a resolution to do better.

And your DH has shopped and planned for dinner? Who's cooking tonight?

@sickofit111

So I'm back!

Came back to an immaculate house and a DD who threw herself at me in joy!

DH however is at work and DS with him. Trying not to overthink it as he often goes in on a Sat to tie up loose ends but the cynic in me suspects it's a protest absence

I hope the immaculate house wasn't all DDs work

It really does sound like you have a massive DH problem

Glad the house is clean, really hope it wasn't all DD efforts!

DO IT. You count too, you know.

@Catmaiden

Glad the house is clean, really hope it wasn't all DD efforts!

Yes this is my fear as well. I hope I’m wrong though!

@PamDemic care to share your rota? My heart sinks at the thought of yet more life admin!

@lyralalala
Great point.

If I came home to find my daughter's had cleaned up, I would be like an antichrist.

My boys do more than there share in this house...

However...my daughters are soooooooo lazy that I have had to read them the riot act too.

Teens!

Or maybe just mine🤦‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

[quote CandyLeBonBon]@PamDemic care to share your rota? My heart sinks at the thought of yet more life admin! [/quote]
Not PamDemic obviously, but my rota is really simple -

Printed sheet goes up with a list of the jobs and the time it generally takes to do each job. Everyone is expected to sign up to 2.5 hours a week of jobs. My teens used to be expected to sign up to one night a week cooking (I miss that they've gone to uni)

It runs Monday-Monday. It goes up on the Tuesday or Wednesday before it finishs and if by Friday you've not signed up for your chores I allocate them for you (and they know if I have to do that they get the jobs they hate the most).

If there are extra jobs I fancy paying bribing someone to do they go up on the list as well and it's first-come-first-served