To leave them to it!

[sickofit111]

At the absolute end of my rope with teen DC (14 and 16). They are lazy, selfish and entitled, doing nothing to help out unless there's anything in it for them and even then not always. They are rude, constantly bicker and utterly 'entitled'. Frankly I feel embarrassed of at them at the moment

I've had enough; I'm mentally and physically exhausted. I have 3 part time jobs, a sick DM and constantly trying to keep in top of the chaos in the house without any help. DH works long hours and isn't in the house as much as me so it doesn't get to him but frankly he takes the piss too.

I've tried rewards, threats, confiscation of tech, rules, family meetings - nothing works. I'm sick of nagging, pleading, asking nicely.

WIBU to just step away during half term and leave them all to it? No school runs or appointments, the only area affected would be their social life! I was planning to do some nice things with them this week but why the fuck should I?!

As DM is unfortunately in hospital I could easily go and stay at her place and establish a bit of zen! Who knows if I stay long enough it might actually sink in that I am not their slave!

To @soundsfishie

No one is having a go at you @soundsfishie

@stackemhigh

No one is having a go at you *@soundsfishie*

No, you are correct. That way me not thinking well enough to articulate what I meant. Apologies there.

@stackemhigh

Why do both parents need to be there when they are 16 and 14?

They don't, I never said that, nor do I think it. I was just pondering the feeling of being left by your mother. Tbh that's probably me projecting.

Are you with your teens every single day?

Absolutely not.

Well done.
Sometimes they need to understand what they are missing.
I would stay away for at least a week if you Think DH would not go under. Maybe he can join you for the weekend

Go for it OP!

You're having your own little circuit break to cull a set of unwanted behaviours.

I can empathise with everything you wrote. You've made it clear you'll be back, you've made it clear why you need a break. Over to them!

Let us know how things go this week.

@soundsfishie so, in your opinion, was the PP that had to go into hospital also completely abandoning her children? If the OP had to work away for a week, is that complete abandonment too? You are providing a different approach, yes, but it's a toxic and incredibly unkind one. You should go away and have a think about your parenting approach, just as the OP is doing - quite rightly so!!

so, in your opinion, was the PP that had to go into hospital also completely abandoning her children? If the OP had to work away for a week, is that complete abandonment too?

No, not at all. The circumstances 'I'm off on a work trip' and 'I'm going to stay at nana because if your behaviour' are not the same. Not remotely comparable. Whether my thoughts are right or wrong regarding what I would do in this situation please stay realistic. Don't try to compare apples and oranges.

You are providing a different approach, yes, but it's a toxic and incredibly unkind one.

I haven't actually provided anything. What on earth do you think I am suggesting anyone does that is toxic or incredibly unkind?

You should go away and have a think about your parenting approach,

Should I? How can you say that when you don't even know what it is?

just as the OP is doing - quite rightly so!!

Well yes, I have acknowledged all along I am in the minority. I even said last night the comment about abandonment was probably me projecting.

Please don't think my children live in a toxic environment based on the fact that I wouldn't walk out as OP has done though. Different approaches are just that. There is no one size fits all and all I have done on this thread is out myself in the kids positions. That's not toxic. Over empathetic and probably very silly, but absolutely not toxic.

Morning, not the best night. Feeling a bit shit about everything but know I need to do this.

DD had plans to meet friends today, no lifts required as catching bus and she has her! own money. Pretty sure DH will just let her go as he'll be at work but am in 2 minds whether this is right thing or not. Big part of me thinks he should be cancelling any social activities and insisting they start doing chores, whilst another part thinks stay out of it and let him manage things. As far as I'm aware today is the only day she is going out.

Stay strong Mama! You have a point to prove and this is exactly how you do it! It's early days!

Bloody well done for making a stand!

I don't think you can stop her.. You're not there precisely so they start to manage themselves and figure stuff out. She'll haw a good old moan with her friend and possibly return to the house after a day out and see, for the first time, that in her absence nothing has been moved, tidied, washed, etc. Be available to chat, nicely, to them both, be clear that you are simply having a break from the drudgery that is NOT 'what mums are meant to do', but necessary parts of living in a household and if they don't learn that PDQ they'll be very unpopular as housemates at uni etc.

Amongst being in and out all day with my other jobs, I also work late evenings 4 times a week so can't be around to minitor what they are/aren't doing. By the time DH gets back from work the last thing he wants to be doing is drilling the DC on state of house/homework and so it all gets left.

I'm with soundsfishie, I think. OP is not leaving because she has work, or hospital. She is leaving because the kids are so horrible. That's quite a responsibility to put on fairly young teens who, she acknowledges, have been struggling mentally. I have teens. I know what you're saying OP. But it can't 'all get left' by you or DH. You all have to be accountable to each other.

I think you are wonderful. I wish I’d had your resolve. Teens can be unutterably selfish and it’s a real slap in the face when they don’t appreciate what’s done for them. They will still love you after this, and it will make a fabulous family story.

One thing I would counsel - decide what’s important and what isn’t, and don’t sweat the small stuff. Eg for me untidy rooms were fine, dirty plates and smells in rooms not fine.

@Purplewithred

I think you are wonderful. I wish I’d had your resolve. Teens can be unutterably selfish and it’s a real slap in the face when they don’t appreciate what’s done for them. They will still love you after this, and it will make a fabulous family story.

One thing I would counsel - decide what’s important and what isn’t, and don’t sweat the small stuff. Eg for me untidy rooms were fine, dirty plates and smells in rooms not fine.

Thank you... spoken to DH who unhelpfully laid on the emotional guilt trip but does get why I did it.

You're right about not sweating the small stuff but I've always been realistic on that front (in fact clearly far too lenient). I've only ever asked for them to do their bit and without constant attitude.
DS's room is disgusting and stinks. It's currently next to the lounge so makes the whole place smell. I don't expect a show room but neither should I have to put up with festering clothes, dirty crockery, sweet and food wrappers everywhere. I put a folded pile of clean clothes by his bed last week with instruction to put them away; still there yesterday with half of them on floor

TBH I think you have a DH problem...

You are not on the same team parenting wise or domestic wise.

I agree with RandomMess (ironic user name in these circumstances).

Your DH sounds pretty useless and he needs to step up domestically too. It shouldn’t just be left to you. Yes, your teens need to start growing up and contributing to household chores but so does your husband.

OP,

You have to realise that your DH is a huge part of the problem.

The fact that he would guilt trip you instead of focusing on getting the children to buck up would piss me off no end.

You are out of the house, remain so.
If your daughter and son and husband think so little of you that they don't make a single adjustment to their behaviour that would turn my heart to stone.

Leave them to it.

Your home smells bad because of their filthy habits....leave them to it.

Do not bend.
If you do, you will be in a worse shit that you left.

Apologies, but your husband sounds like an awful twat.
You really have your hands full.

Big part of me thinks he should be cancelling any social activities and insisting they start doing chores, whilst another part thinks stay out of it and let him manage things. As far as I'm aware today is the only day she is going out.

He absolutely should NOT be doing that. It’s just passing responsibility from one parent to another. Your daughter needs to learn that when she goes off to enjoy herself for the day - after battling rural buses instead of getting lifts each way - the housework is still going to be waiting when she comes back. That’s what life’s like for you every time you go out.

I think you should send your H the link to the article "she divorced me because I left dishes by the sink"

The DC have been taught a poor attitude by copying their father - he sees it all as your job and therefore so do they!

Your dh needs to step up, he is not making them clean up, is he?

You're having your own little circuit break to cull a set of unwanted behaviours

You have just won the award for the best quote of the week newshoesrub absolutely love it!

Op, you are doing a great job - you are showing your kids how to have boundaries and self respect. You are walking the walk! Not just nagging away like a fishwife on steroids. A circuit breaker to remind them all that you are human, have feelings and need to be respected and cared for is fabulous. Good on you!

You haven't left them for good, or decided to move out permanently. You are simply drawing your line in the sand, and I hugely admire you for it.

When you have tried every trick in the book, shown compassion and kindness for 16 solid years, begged, pleaded, rewarded and debated your way through that many years - and you hit the brick wall, then it is better to stop banging your head against it and try something new.

Let them miss you. Let them see all of the work you put in every day. This is ultimately a very good thing for them, and for you. Good on you.

Have just been accused of running away by DS and that as a mother I can't do that

Well you can and you have so he'll have to suck it up.

I daren't go in my youngest's (almost 14) bedroom. The others aren't great but you can at least pick a path through & they do bring pots & rubbish out. Mine do their own laundry too so tend to put away clothes (because it's their effort that makes the clothes clean). I only reached that stage with the older ones because I hammered home time & time again that I can't work if they don't help & as I'm a lone mum, if I can't work the family goes under. That point is drilled into them very often (by conversation, not chastisement) & their 'contributions to the family' are recognised. We still have our moments but it's recently dawned on me they're always when their father has put in a rare appearance. Stinking attitudes after seeing him, full of resentment & entitlement. Could there be any triggers or aggregating factors with yours? A spoilt friend? DH's attitude towards you?

Well done OP. Hang in there. And when you get back maybe retain all tech you can until they've made their beds/tidied their rooms/showered, etc

@sickofit111

Have just been accused of running away by DS and that as a mother I can't do that 😐

You're NOT running away, you're having a well earned rest and teaching them a lesson. I hope you responded to your DS by telling him that as someone approaching adulthood he needs to learn to not live in a pit of filth and clean up after himself.