Am I being unreasonable to expect husband to cancel his holiday?

[Bruce123]

Hi
I have had a melanoma in situ removed from my leg and need further surgery to ensure the margins are big enough and a skin graft to cover the hole. Date of surgery clashes with husbands’ walking trip away with his mate. He postponed once due to Covid and had to rearrange from Wales to Cotswolds because of lockdown restrictions. I can’t postpone surgery because surgeon is coming off his holidays to clear his backlog. I am not supposed to walk and keep the leg elevated for the first few days after surgery. Am reliant on 15 year old (anorexic) daughter who is stropping/ refusing to offer get up before midday to feed cats/ make me breakfast.

Am I being unreasonable in asking my husband to consider postponing his holiday? He is saying he won’t do so. Am feeling very hurt as this whole marriage ceremony, I am sure, mentioned something about in sickness and in health...

[2020iscancelled]

Like one PP said, if you cannot rely on your life partner to care for you when you NEED it - not that you would like them to be around, but you NEED them to be around then it really does beg the question of whether this person actually loves you or cares for the relationship at all.

I would understand that he might be disappointed and I would probably allow for him to be a bit gutted at missing out on something he’s been planning for a while but I wouldn’t expect this to extend to him being resentful or spiteful or sulking.

OP, honestly if the person who you are MARRIED to refuses to help you out, you might as well be single

[MaMaD1990]

I hear online divorce services are wonderful 😜 but in all seriousness, your husband needs a good talking to about his behaviour. I hope you manage to get the support you need!

[Eddielzzard]

What an arsehole.

Daughter to friends or family, you to 5 star hotel with room service, cat to cattery, him to pack bags on his return and fuck off.

[june2007]

TBH if it is a day case and you have daughteer at home then you should be ok. Considering he has postponed holiday once I understand why he doesn,t want to do it again particularly as he knows you are not going to be on your own. If you really want him there then you need to make it clear how important it is.

[belles001]

He is being unreasonable to not cancel his walking trip. Outrageous. You should be looked after. Without a doubt.

[Ladybyrd]

To be honest, I would be fuming with them both. I would send the cat to cattery and book into a hotel with room service. Then I would remember this anytime either of them wanted anything.

[Bruce123]

Am looking into nursing homes in the area... and cats to cattery....
Not sure what to do about daughter...would I be done for child neglect? Or would my husband?

[ThinkWittyThoughts]

Child neglect for a 15yo?

If you're worried about leaving DD2, then ask DD1 to stay with her (if she doesn't already live with you.

You stay in a nice hotel & get pampered for a bit. It'll give you time to think things through ...

[Runmybathforme]

Sorry to say, but I think you need to have a good look at your relationship. Your husband is a pig. Don’t put up with being treated this way.
Good luck with everything.

[crimsonlake]

To be honest if he goes on the holiday there would be no way back, unforgiveable.
My ex left me with undiagnosed at the time pneumonia and two under 2's.. He went to work and refused to cancel his night out which meant an overnight stay and would not be back after work the following day.
He could see how ill I was.
I continued with the marriage as I had 2 little ones, to my regret really.
I never forgave him and never will.

[Scarydinosaurs]

He is so UR.

How does he think you’ll cope?

[musicposy]

Please don’t blame it on possible Aspergers, blame it on him being an arse.

DH is autistic and we have suspicions young adult DD2 is too but when I have been ill both of them have been amazing. I do have to spell out to DH exactly what I need sometimes but he will do anything I ask of him.

Even if you need to explain why you need him at home, there is absolutely no excuse for him still going and leaving you alone. It shouldn’t be too much for your DD to get up to feed a cat, either, but that’s a separate issue. If your DH was stepping up it wouldn't be necessary.

[eaglejulesk]

Difficult without knowing how extensive surgery is. But TBH when I'm ill i just want to be alone. Minor surgery I would let him go major surgery ask him to stay.

These are my thoughts too. Honestly, I would be more disappointed in my DD if I were you. She isn't being asked to do much, anorexia or not it wouldn't hurt her to step up to the mark.

[Ellie56]

You're looking at nursing homes when you have an able bodied husband? What a monumental arsehole.

And you're right - the marriage vows are "to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part ..." sounds like he's already broken his vows. It certainly doesn't sound like any loving and cherishing is going on.

I wouldn't be staying with this waste of space after this. I'd dump him.

And I really really hope he breaks a leg on his walk and needs looking after - then you can take great pleasure in telling the bastard you won't be doing it and he can sort himself out.

[june2007]

CAts in a cattery?? Can,t your 15 year feed a cat?.

[Doodar]

They’re both being shits.
I also can’t see any problem you getting up a couple of times a day to feed your cat and get food. You’ll have to go to the loo anyway. Just get loads of ore prepared food before you have the op. Doesn’t excuse your selfish family though. I would down tools on them when you’ve recovered.

[Nanny0gg]

@Doodar

They’re both being shits.
I also can’t see any problem you getting up a couple of times a day to feed your cat and get food. You’ll have to go to the loo anyway. Just get loads of ore prepared food before you have the op. Doesn’t excuse your selfish family though. I would down tools on them when you’ve recovered.

There's one thing going to the loo.

But quite another having to maybe go up and downstairs and stand in the kitchen, when you have, in theory, a loving family.

I'd tell him to go and not bother coming back (if his friend knows, wonder what he thinks). Your daughter is being selfish too and just needs telling to get on with helping

[Akrotiri1]

I remember the day my now ex husband refused to take time off to work to take me A and E for an emergency x ray. That was the day I realised our marriage was over.

My current partner wouldn't even need asking.....

[Tartyflette]

To suggest that the OP go to a hotel or convalescent home after her surgery totally lets her DH off the hook!
What if there are complications arising from the surgery or the OP just feels dreadful, in lots of pain, nauseous or dizzy? Or has a fall when going to the loo?
She won't get much help, if any, in a hotel.
She is most definitely not being unreasonable to ask her DH for help, in fact she would not be unreasonable to insist.
And I'd tell his mate(s) and all his family . He's behaving like an utter cunt and frankly ought to be shamed for it.

[Johntaylorschin]

OP, to be fair the surgery you are having is usually a very minor procedure, yes you need someone to bring you back from hospital but I think looking at nursing homes is taking it a bit far.
Your husband does sound a bit uncaring but if you make everything into such a drama maybe he is not being the unreasonable one.

[Lemonsyellow]

@Johntaylorschin

OP, to be fair the surgery you are having is usually a very minor procedure, yes you need someone to bring you back from hospital but I think looking at nursing homes is taking it a bit far.
Your husband does sound a bit uncaring but if you make everything into such a drama maybe he is not being the unreasonable one.

The OP has been diagnosed with cancer. I don’t think that means she is making everything “into such a drama“. It’s serious. It’s good that it can be treated, but the effects of cancer treatment are not just physical, they are psychological and emotional as well.

[NerrSnerr]

If a nursing home did agree to take you on for convalescence you'd feel massively out of place, also very expensive. In my area you wouldn't get anything cheaper than £650 a week, and it would be upward of £1000 a week for a nicer home.

[Nottherealslimshady]

If he sulks you call him out on it "are you genuinely sulking right now that your wife has had a major operation and you have to look after her?" "What's up with you, I'm the one that's had two surgeries due to a melanoma" did he not say the "in sickness and in health" bit of his vows?

You cant leave your anorexic daughter alone and pay to go into a nursing home so he can go on his jollies. He needs to step the fuck up, and be told straight that if he let's you down your vows mean nothing anymore.

[marveloustimeruiningeverything]

Selfish twat of a husband you have there. and sounds like he has form for it.

Imagine if you needed long term medical care for something serious ... sounds like he won't be there for you. But I bet he'd expect you to be there for him.

Might be time to sit him down and explain to him that your marriage may not survive such selfishness. You have to think about the future, and he is prioritising his holiday over an emergency medical treatment and his daughter.

[NarcissistsEyebrows]

All those disappointed in the DD, do you really think it is the responsibility of a child, and a child with a mental illness at that, to look after her mother so that her dad is off the hook and can go out walking with his buddies?
What sort of message does this send to the daughter? That her health and freedom are secondary to the big man's? That women are for caring and men are allowed to be useless and selfish? You're hardly going to be helping her set her bar high when choosing a partner if you do that.

OP I think you need to lay out explicitly to him what the consequences are of him disregarding you and your mental and physical health at a time like this. He's giving you a clear indication of where his priorities lie, up to you whether you listen to it or not