Am I being unreasonable to expect husband to cancel his holiday?

[Bruce123]

Hi
I have had a melanoma in situ removed from my leg and need further surgery to ensure the margins are big enough and a skin graft to cover the hole. Date of surgery clashes with husbands’ walking trip away with his mate. He postponed once due to Covid and had to rearrange from Wales to Cotswolds because of lockdown restrictions. I can’t postpone surgery because surgeon is coming off his holidays to clear his backlog. I am not supposed to walk and keep the leg elevated for the first few days after surgery. Am reliant on 15 year old (anorexic) daughter who is stropping/ refusing to offer get up before midday to feed cats/ make me breakfast.

Am I being unreasonable in asking my husband to consider postponing his holiday? He is saying he won’t do so. Am feeling very hurt as this whole marriage ceremony, I am sure, mentioned something about in sickness and in health...

[billybagpuss]

Good luck this week hope it all goes well, you do now have some breathing space.

[CharlotteCollinsneeLucas]

Does he realise the huge irony of reacting badly to perceived bullying behaviour when he threatened divorce?? Do you see the irony yourself?

[ShebaShimmyShake]

@Bruce123

So... after a night of sulking and threats of divorce. DH rang his friend who, while disappointed, was only to happy to postpone the walking trip and came back immediately with some Alternative dates in 3 weeks time.
So while this weekend hasn’t been pleasant i am judging DH on his actions “He is showing you who he is. Believe him”

And he’s not going to be caring for me with a bad grace. It seems genuine. I have rung his friend ( who I know well) and thanked him for his flexibility and apologised for being the cause of the postponement. He was only to happy to help, obviously disappointed but “I’m an adult and last time I looked adults didn’t die of disappointment!” So happy to support my DH and me.

No divorce on the horizon. Just two people staring into the abyss and not liking what they saw. Daughters informed that all is sweetness and light.

Do you not think it strange that his walking buddy cares more about your illness and need for care than your own husband does?

[Sexnotgender]

Well I’m sure you’ll think twice about asking for his help in future after his little stunt. How convenient for him.

[CounsellorTroi]

I realise how much my earlier post was jumped on and disagreed with, but I stand by it. I completely disagree with your automatic assumption that he should cancel his trip when you haven’t even asked anyone else if they could help you. This trip is clearly important to him, surely anyone could understand why he’d be disappointed that out of all the days, this surgery falls on one that he’s due to be away. I can understand why he feels dismissed when its just assumed that he will give up something important to him without even trying to find an alternative, and it would make me feel like getting divorced too. Of course the surgery is important, but it’s not the only thing that’s important, and behaving as if it is because it’s medical does no one any favours.

No holiday is more important than giving your partner support, practical but just as important emotional, when they are undergoing cancer treatment. End of.

[HoofWankingSpangleCunt]

@ bruce123
How are things this week? I'm worried about you. Your H has been gaslighting you. It's coercive control. I imagine he's been doing it for years.
Get through and over your op and then think about how to get yourself and DD away. I hope you're ok.

[Bruce123]

Doing OK. My lesion has an infection so am on strong antibiotics so I will be match fit for my operation on Friday. You are probably right about my husband. And it has made me think about the future. Unfortunately I know he stands to benefit hugely at my expense if we were to split up. So the timing of any split would need careful consideration if I decided to proceed with it.

[WouldBeGood]

@Bruce123 💐💐💐

[Notthetoothfairy]

DH’s friend sounds nice. Is he single?

[billy1966]

Mind yourself OP.
I hope friday goes well, that you recover quickly, and you start planning to ditch him.

[CandyLeBonBon]

Good luck op. He's still a dick.

[Friendsoftheearth]

It is pretty shit that his friend had to be the one that was supportive and there for you, once this is over I am not sure you will get past this level of indifference and surely you deserve far, far more than this.

Get through this, get back on your feet and then review the whole thing in the cold light of day. You don't need the added pressure of worrying about your marriage now - so don't think about it. Accept support and love from those around you - and now you know what you know, time to create a loving network that WILL be there for you in your next darkest hour. It is good to know indeed, in years to come you will see this as a watershed moment.

I hope it all goes well for you op - look after yourself

[MoonJelly]

I have rung his friend ( who I know well) and thanked him for his flexibility and apologised for being the cause of the postponement. He was only to happy to help, obviously disappointed but “I’m an adult and last time I looked adults didn’t die of disappointment!”

Is there any way you can get the friend to have a conversation with your husband about how to be an adult? He sounds so much more mature and sensible.