Am I being unreasonable to expect husband to cancel his holiday?

[Bruce123]

Hi
I have had a melanoma in situ removed from my leg and need further surgery to ensure the margins are big enough and a skin graft to cover the hole. Date of surgery clashes with husbands’ walking trip away with his mate. He postponed once due to Covid and had to rearrange from Wales to Cotswolds because of lockdown restrictions. I can’t postpone surgery because surgeon is coming off his holidays to clear his backlog. I am not supposed to walk and keep the leg elevated for the first few days after surgery. Am reliant on 15 year old (anorexic) daughter who is stropping/ refusing to offer get up before midday to feed cats/ make me breakfast.

Am I being unreasonable in asking my husband to consider postponing his holiday? He is saying he won’t do so. Am feeling very hurt as this whole marriage ceremony, I am sure, mentioned something about in sickness and in health...

[mbosnz]

I'm glad he got over his strop and saw reason. And that his friend has grace and maturity.

I hope things get better from here, and good luck for your surgery and recovery, OP.

[lakesidewinter]

It's a shame you aren't married to his friend.
I do think that a serious conversation about what you expect from each other and how you communicate as a couple should happen.

[Bruce123]

That’s exactly what we did do. I explained how I felt about his obstinate attitude and how it made me feel unsupported. And he told me he didn’t like being bullied- but admitted he was overly sensitive to bullying for historical (not my doing) reasons.

[mbosnz]

I'd struggle to accept him perceiving my upset at his lack of desire to be there to support me and my daughter when it was needed, as 'bullying'. . .

[bigdinkydoodah]

He is the one being unreasonable to go away when you are going through surgery and then reliant on help whilst you recover. I also think your 15 yr old is being unreasonable too.

[WizardOfAus]

I'd struggle to accept him perceiving my upset at his lack of desire to be there to support me and my daughter when it was needed, as 'bullying'

Fucking amen.

Does he accuse you of bullying every time you express your needs or desires?

[marveloustimeruiningeverything]

Sadly, I suspect he was more worried about what his friends and others would think if he went on the trip at a time you needed him for a serious medical reason than wanting to do the right thing willingly. Time will tell.

I hope your procedure goes smoothly, OP.

[Brigante9]

Bullying? Seriously?! What an accusation to throw at you. Get this week out of the way then think about what you want.

From vast experience, take very good care of the donor site and check that the skin doesn’t grow into any dressings. Parrafin dressings are amazing for not sticking. My donor site was huge, yours hopefully will be a little area.only.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

@Bruce123

That’s exactly what we did do. I explained how I felt about his obstinate attitude and how it made me feel unsupported. And he told me he didn’t like being bullied- but admitted he was overly sensitive to bullying for historical (not my doing) reasons.

Manipulative arsehole. Him, not you. How dare he.

[Quartz2208]

I think he expected you to back down with the threats of divorce and you didnt. So he has had to back down but accuse you of bullying (Which you were not)

[HaHaVeryBunny]

YANBU.

[Shoxfordian]

How was needing support after an operation bullying him?! Stick with the divorce

[AnotherEmma]

Well I'm glad he's come around but he's still a selfish manipulative arsehole for blaming you about it.

My advice is to focus on getting through the operation and recovering from it and then have a serious think about whether or not to stay in your marriage. Now isn't the time but after you've recovered I hope you decide to LTB.

Best of luck with your operation and any other treatment you might need

[BlueJava]

YANBU, I can't imagine having to even ask DH to cancel a holiday in these circumstances tbh. I also have to say that both DS would be fully on it if I needed help (they certainly were when I broke my foot). I'm sory OP, that's really rough on you.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Well at least that’s something. My dh has supported me through 3 major surgeries now and almost a decade of chronic illness. There are some men out there prepared to look after their partner.

Are you not angry with him?

[SaltandPepperIt]

You still call him DH, "darling" husband - so that's lovely, you obviously still feel deeply for him



unless it stands for DickHead

[thosetalesofunexpected]

Hi Op Your husbands behaviour is totally not acceptable at all.!
You have obviously married to a man child, he needs to step up his game big time, and treat you with the respect you deserve as his life partner,
He your husband is useless not a man who is worthy of the time and love of a good woman as yourself,
I understand your daughter has aneroxia and it is obviously emotional health /mental health disorder, it is easy enough for your daughter to devote a bit/some of time to give you breakfast every morning and feed your family cats on a regular basis until you heal get better, its not a struggle,hardly rocket science, your daughter and your husband sound far too self asorbed in themselves and need to more considerate,after all a family is supposed be like a team effort, this misfortune you have experienced is your family opportunity,chance to show you how loved and appreciated you really are !
If your family are too selfish to help you, I think staying for a few days in a budget hotel like Traveloge or finding out if Adult health social services care team could possibly help you,
Personally myself I think you could do a hell of a lot better for yourself than this so called man child husband he is a Joke and not in a funny way at all,
Total disgrace your husband he should feel be ashamed of himself..

[Technonan]

They need to know your surgery cannot be postponed - you don't play around with melanoma - and they both need to know you will need looking after. You have a serious condition, you are not BU at all. They are being selfish and entitled, and clearly don't understand the importance of this.

[DPotter]

You 'DH' has let you down Bruce, even if now he's stepped up - his first reaction was to go nuclear with divorce. It was only that you didn't cave in that he "saw" the error of his ways and postponed his holiday.

If anyone is guilty of bullying it's him - threatening you with divorce. Talk about a nuclear option. That was totally unacceptable.

I would suggest some joint counselling; my DP & I used Relate and the Counsellor was very good at pulling us (well DP) up on inconsistencies.
very best wishes for your surgery and speedy and complete recovery

[thosetalesofunexpected]

Hi Op your man child husband is being extremely emotionally manipulative towards you, by saying that he feels he is being bullied into supporting you health wise,!!!!
Your man child husband is trying to emotionally guilt trip you into feeling sorry for himself , Another words your husband is gas lightening you in a rather sneaky way..I have a feeling this is not the first time he has tried this kind of tactic on you,
Your husband is being coercive ,this is not Acceptable like I said before you, deserve better than this,and as your life long Partner/husband what you are expecting from him being supportive/respectful towards you right now in sickness and health is really the very basic /fundamental aspect/grounds of marriage, he your husband is making a mokery of your wedding vows !

[billy1966]

His go to response is that of a selfish twat OP.

I wouldn't forget that if I were you.

His friend has more decency and compassion for you.

Remember that.

Mind yourself OP.

[Mydogmylife]

Op please don't forget this behaviour ! Consider your options carefully!

[timeisnotaline]

Get through the next week op, hope it goes well.
Personally I think his actions have shown you quite enough about who he is. You are clearly going to stay but at least can you promise yourself the next time the arsehole asks for divorce that you give it to him as fast as you can?

[k1233]

A person who throws "I'm leaving you" when there is a disagreement is the sort of person I've never been able to trust. It's a power play designed to make you not challenge them in case they follow through. Asking someone to change plans is not bullying and in no way warrants I'm divorcing you.

[ImnotawitchImyourwife]

He threatened you with divorce because you asked him to postpone his plans so he could support you through your cancer treatment. And now he’s calling you a bully?

You’re not the bully in this scenario.