Am I being unreasonable to expect husband to cancel his holiday?

[Bruce123]

Hi
I have had a melanoma in situ removed from my leg and need further surgery to ensure the margins are big enough and a skin graft to cover the hole. Date of surgery clashes with husbands’ walking trip away with his mate. He postponed once due to Covid and had to rearrange from Wales to Cotswolds because of lockdown restrictions. I can’t postpone surgery because surgeon is coming off his holidays to clear his backlog. I am not supposed to walk and keep the leg elevated for the first few days after surgery. Am reliant on 15 year old (anorexic) daughter who is stropping/ refusing to offer get up before midday to feed cats/ make me breakfast.

Am I being unreasonable in asking my husband to consider postponing his holiday? He is saying he won’t do so. Am feeling very hurt as this whole marriage ceremony, I am sure, mentioned something about in sickness and in health...

[MoonJelly]

I have rung his friend ( who I know well) and thanked him for his flexibility and apologised for being the cause of the postponement. He was only to happy to help, obviously disappointed but “I’m an adult and last time I looked adults didn’t die of disappointment!”

Is there any way you can get the friend to have a conversation with your husband about how to be an adult? He sounds so much more mature and sensible.

[Friendsoftheearth]

It is pretty shit that his friend had to be the one that was supportive and there for you, once this is over I am not sure you will get past this level of indifference and surely you deserve far, far more than this.

Get through this, get back on your feet and then review the whole thing in the cold light of day. You don't need the added pressure of worrying about your marriage now - so don't think about it. Accept support and love from those around you - and now you know what you know, time to create a loving network that WILL be there for you in your next darkest hour. It is good to know indeed, in years to come you will see this as a watershed moment.

I hope it all goes well for you op - look after yourself

[CandyLeBonBon]

Good luck op. He's still a dick.

[billy1966]

Mind yourself OP.
I hope friday goes well, that you recover quickly, and you start planning to ditch him.

[Notthetoothfairy]

DH’s friend sounds nice. Is he single?

[WouldBeGood]

@Bruce123 💐💐💐

[Bruce123]

Doing OK. My lesion has an infection so am on strong antibiotics so I will be match fit for my operation on Friday. You are probably right about my husband. And it has made me think about the future. Unfortunately I know he stands to benefit hugely at my expense if we were to split up. So the timing of any split would need careful consideration if I decided to proceed with it.

[HoofWankingSpangleCunt]

@ bruce123
How are things this week? I'm worried about you. Your H has been gaslighting you. It's coercive control. I imagine he's been doing it for years.
Get through and over your op and then think about how to get yourself and DD away. I hope you're ok.

[CounsellorTroi]

I realise how much my earlier post was jumped on and disagreed with, but I stand by it. I completely disagree with your automatic assumption that he should cancel his trip when you haven’t even asked anyone else if they could help you. This trip is clearly important to him, surely anyone could understand why he’d be disappointed that out of all the days, this surgery falls on one that he’s due to be away. I can understand why he feels dismissed when its just assumed that he will give up something important to him without even trying to find an alternative, and it would make me feel like getting divorced too. Of course the surgery is important, but it’s not the only thing that’s important, and behaving as if it is because it’s medical does no one any favours.

No holiday is more important than giving your partner support, practical but just as important emotional, when they are undergoing cancer treatment. End of.

[Sexnotgender]

Well I’m sure you’ll think twice about asking for his help in future after his little stunt. How convenient for him.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

@Bruce123

So... after a night of sulking and threats of divorce. DH rang his friend who, while disappointed, was only to happy to postpone the walking trip and came back immediately with some Alternative dates in 3 weeks time.
So while this weekend hasn’t been pleasant i am judging DH on his actions “He is showing you who he is. Believe him”

And he’s not going to be caring for me with a bad grace. It seems genuine. I have rung his friend ( who I know well) and thanked him for his flexibility and apologised for being the cause of the postponement. He was only to happy to help, obviously disappointed but “I’m an adult and last time I looked adults didn’t die of disappointment!” So happy to support my DH and me.

No divorce on the horizon. Just two people staring into the abyss and not liking what they saw. Daughters informed that all is sweetness and light.

Do you not think it strange that his walking buddy cares more about your illness and need for care than your own husband does?

[CharlotteCollinsneeLucas]

Does he realise the huge irony of reacting badly to perceived bullying behaviour when he threatened divorce?? Do you see the irony yourself?

[billybagpuss]

Good luck this week hope it all goes well, you do now have some breathing space.

[ImnotawitchImyourwife]

He threatened you with divorce because you asked him to postpone his plans so he could support you through your cancer treatment. And now he’s calling you a bully?

You’re not the bully in this scenario.

[k1233]

A person who throws "I'm leaving you" when there is a disagreement is the sort of person I've never been able to trust. It's a power play designed to make you not challenge them in case they follow through. Asking someone to change plans is not bullying and in no way warrants I'm divorcing you.

[timeisnotaline]

Get through the next week op, hope it goes well.
Personally I think his actions have shown you quite enough about who he is. You are clearly going to stay but at least can you promise yourself the next time the arsehole asks for divorce that you give it to him as fast as you can?

[Mydogmylife]

Op please don't forget this behaviour ! Consider your options carefully!

[billy1966]

His go to response is that of a selfish twat OP.

I wouldn't forget that if I were you.

His friend has more decency and compassion for you.

Remember that.

Mind yourself OP.

[thosetalesofunexpected]

Hi Op your man child husband is being extremely emotionally manipulative towards you, by saying that he feels he is being bullied into supporting you health wise,!!!!
Your man child husband is trying to emotionally guilt trip you into feeling sorry for himself , Another words your husband is gas lightening you in a rather sneaky way..I have a feeling this is not the first time he has tried this kind of tactic on you,
Your husband is being coercive ,this is not Acceptable like I said before you, deserve better than this,and as your life long Partner/husband what you are expecting from him being supportive/respectful towards you right now in sickness and health is really the very basic /fundamental aspect/grounds of marriage, he your husband is making a mokery of your wedding vows !

[DPotter]

You 'DH' has let you down Bruce, even if now he's stepped up - his first reaction was to go nuclear with divorce. It was only that you didn't cave in that he "saw" the error of his ways and postponed his holiday.

If anyone is guilty of bullying it's him - threatening you with divorce. Talk about a nuclear option. That was totally unacceptable.

I would suggest some joint counselling; my DP & I used Relate and the Counsellor was very good at pulling us (well DP) up on inconsistencies.
very best wishes for your surgery and speedy and complete recovery

[Technonan]

They need to know your surgery cannot be postponed - you don't play around with melanoma - and they both need to know you will need looking after. You have a serious condition, you are not BU at all. They are being selfish and entitled, and clearly don't understand the importance of this.

[thosetalesofunexpected]

Hi Op Your husbands behaviour is totally not acceptable at all.!
You have obviously married to a man child, he needs to step up his game big time, and treat you with the respect you deserve as his life partner,
He your husband is useless not a man who is worthy of the time and love of a good woman as yourself,
I understand your daughter has aneroxia and it is obviously emotional health /mental health disorder, it is easy enough for your daughter to devote a bit/some of time to give you breakfast every morning and feed your family cats on a regular basis until you heal get better, its not a struggle,hardly rocket science, your daughter and your husband sound far too self asorbed in themselves and need to more considerate,after all a family is supposed be like a team effort, this misfortune you have experienced is your family opportunity,chance to show you how loved and appreciated you really are !
If your family are too selfish to help you, I think staying for a few days in a budget hotel like Traveloge or finding out if Adult health social services care team could possibly help you,
Personally myself I think you could do a hell of a lot better for yourself than this so called man child husband he is a Joke and not in a funny way at all,
Total disgrace your husband he should feel be ashamed of himself..

[SaltandPepperIt]

You still call him DH, "darling" husband - so that's lovely, you obviously still feel deeply for him



unless it stands for DickHead

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Well at least that’s something. My dh has supported me through 3 major surgeries now and almost a decade of chronic illness. There are some men out there prepared to look after their partner.

Are you not angry with him?

[BlueJava]

YANBU, I can't imagine having to even ask DH to cancel a holiday in these circumstances tbh. I also have to say that both DS would be fully on it if I needed help (they certainly were when I broke my foot). I'm sory OP, that's really rough on you.